


Picture Perfect Honeymoon

by Jsyrin, Rex_Lupin



Series: ToZverse [3]
Category: RWBY, Rebuild of Evangelion | Evangelion: New Theatrical Edition, ゼロの使い魔 | Zero no Tsukaima | The Familiar of Zero
Genre: A Shovel Speech, Acts of Lewd, Angels Are Even More Complicated, Angels OP Please Nerf, Badass Pyrrha, Beacon Initiation, Bisexual Blake Belladonna, Bisexual Jaune, Chaos and Mayhem, Cinder just wants a dom okay, DBZA references, Everyone Is Uncharacteristically Horny, Exhibitionism, F/F, F/M, Fall Maiden Pyrrha, Family Bonding, Family is complicated, Faunus Weiss Schnee, Fourth Wall Is Becoming Tangible, God Salem, Humor, M/M, Marriage, Marriage Proposal, Misunderstandings, Multi, Near-Second Impact, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, PTSD, Penny Is A Real Girl Now, Penny OP Please Nerf, Penny wants a Harem, Pyrrha Is Replaced, Pyrrha Joins The White Fang, Ramiel does not help, Ruby OP Please Nerf, Ruby does Science, Semi-competent Jaune, Sequel, Sienna Approves, Sleepovers, Submissive Cinder Fall, Summer Maiden Cinder, Tangled Family Trees, Tazing Nora is a Valid Strategy, Team Bonding, The Salem Conspiracy, The Vytal Festival, Underage Drinking, Useless Lesbians, Velvet and Coco are constantly horny, Weiss Murders A Bitch, Weiss Needs Hugs, White Fang Does Charity, White Fang Reformation, Whiterose cuddles, Yang Horny Water Wet, alternate team JNPR, god war, infodump, ironwood is tired, rUBY NO
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-29
Updated: 2020-11-02
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:42:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 38
Words: 83,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24436069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jsyrin/pseuds/Jsyrin, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rex_Lupin/pseuds/Rex_Lupin
Summary: The events or Thunder of Zero are over, and the Angels are all doing their own thing. Louise de la Valliere and Charlotte de Gallia have chosen a far-off world to have their honeymoon/anniversary - dating these things can be difficult if one party spends many years dead.Unfortunately, Ramiel has tagged along, so they resort to playing on her ego - and now the Angel must remain a human and blend in with the populace for six months.And so, the Angel of Thunder, now human, heads off on the first airship to Vale-Wait, Vale?Oh no.
Relationships: Blake Belladonna/Yang Xiao Long, Cinder Fall/Pyrrha Nikos, Coco Adel/Velvet Scarlatina, Jaune Arc/Yatsuhashi Daichi, Jaune Arc/Yatsuhashi Daichi/Fox Alistair, Lie Ren/Nora Valkyrie, Neopolitan/Pyrrha Nikos, Neopolitan/Yang Xiao Long, Penny Polendina/Ruby Rose/Weiss Schnee, Ramiel/Coco/Velvet, Ramiel/Coco/Velvet/Salem, Raven Branwen/Vernal, Ruby Rose/Weiss Schnee, Tabitha | Charlotte de Gallia/Louise de la Vallière, Yang Xiao Long/Neopolitan/Blake Belladonna/Pyrrha Nikos
Series: ToZverse [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1625149
Comments: 67
Kudos: 111





	1. The First, In Which We Set Up The Scene

"Stupid bet. Stupid Louise. Stupid ego." 

Ramiel groused to herself as she stomped through the airport, bemoaning her own lack of brain cells. Again. 

"Oh, but you can't go ten seconds without blowing something up!" she mocked. "Shoulda kept my mouth shut. Shoulda just let it go for five fucking seconds. But noooooo, I just  _ had  _ to open my big mouth, didn't I?" 

The Angel currently in a human form plonked herself onto the nearest bench, still grumbling to herself. "I bet you can't pretend to be human for a day! Ha! I bet you I fucking could! Hell, I bet you I could go a full six months!" 

She sneered. "Six months my  _ ass.  _ Fucking hell, Zeruel was right about the brain cell thing, I clearly haven't seen the bastard in ages!" 

Ramiel leaned back on the bench and looked at the ceiling. "Fuck my life, right?" 

"E-excuse me, Miss?" 

She shot the asker - some pathetic human clearly in over his head - a glare. "The fuck you want?" 

The human stuttered in response. "S-sorry, M-miss, it's just that I-I was s-supposed to 'pick up the Invincible Girl' from a-around here, and I thought I'd ask someone..." 

"Were you being fucked with?" Ramiel asked curiously. "Cause it sounds like you're being fucked with." 

The human swallowed. "P-possibly, Miss, b-but I don't want to return to B-Beacon w-without  _ something _ ..." 

Ramiel took a deep breath. She let it out. "Well fuck," she groused, "Now I feel kinda sorry for you, you sad little man." She huffed. "Fine. Tell me more about this... 'Invincible Girl', would you?" 

The guy nervously adjusted his glasses. "W-well, she's apparently a f-famous champion of some sorts... All who faced her laid defeated at her feet... S-stuff like that." 

Ramiel listened. Processed the information. Pondered the situation. And then, right when she was opening her mouth, her ego took over, shoved the brain cell out of the window, and declared with utmost confidence... 

"Oh yeah, sounds like you're looking for me alright. Lead the way, little man, I'm feeling especially Invincible right now!" 

Yeah, she was doomed. 

<>

"...and this is our destination," her impromptu tour guide told her, making a grand sweeping gesture at... 

"Huh," Ramiel vocalized, looking up at the rather impressive castle-school. "Doesn't look bad at all. Kind of homely." 

"Oh! Because you studied in Argus, right? The coastal fortress of Atlas?" her companion asked excitedly. At least he'd lost the stutter, Ramiel mused, which had been honestly a lot more annoying, she supposed. 

Then the question registered. Well, if she wasn't sure that she was being confused with someone else before, she certainly was now. All she had to do was  _ say _ it and... 

"Sure, let's go with that." 

God fucking damn it. 

The guy- whose name Ramiel  _ still _ didn’t know, despite having had to endure an  _ extremely _ long car trip with as well as an entire half hour airship ride, wrung his hands together, clearing his throat awkwardly before leading Ramiel on a tour extolling the virtues of this so-called “Beacon Academy” that she really only halfway paid attention to.

She supposed she could have paid attention, but what else was there really to know other than the fact that this was a school, she was expected to attend here, and that the guy was taking her to see some dude named Ozpin who was the headmaster of the pla-

Wait what?

“Hey, uh, you,” she told the guy, cringing internally. “Out of curiosity, were you ever given  _ an actual name _ when you went hunting for an Invincible Girl?”

The man stilled. Paused. Opened his mouth. Closed it again. All the color drained from his face. “N-no I wasn’t,” he stuttered out. “Y-you’re not  _ actually...? _ ” 

_ Say yes, you useless egomaniac. Just fucking say it. _

“Oh I’m invincible all right,” Ramiel boasted. “Just checking.”  _ Fucking hell. _

“R-right...”

“Okay, look,” Ramiel declared, taking pity on the cringing human, “If it turns out that I’m  _ not _ the Invincible Girl  _ they _ want - fuck knows why I wouldn’t be, I’m goddamn awesome - then I’ll take responsibility. Got it?” 

The man nodded rapidly. Ramiel rolled her eyes.

She sighed as the man- who, by this point, she didn’t even want to know his name because of how simperingly pathetic he was being- led her through the castle, up a few elevators, down some stairs, across a courtyard, and then up  _ another _ elevator up through the big central clocktower thing that she supposed the headmaster was supposed to be in.

Idly, she wondered why the hell it took such an embarrassingly long route to get to a place that was supposed to be semi-publicly accessible to students, but she figured that they’d been in a training room in a basement level anyway so… whatever.

After an embarrassingly long elevator ride- alone, since the whimpering dumbass had skittered off to god knows where the moment she’d gotten on the elevator- Ramiel finally stood face to door with what she assumed was the headmaster’s office.

The nameplate next to the door and the ornate gilding on the pair of double doors before her seemed to corroborate that fact.

So she knocked.

And she waited.

And after what felt like an eternity but was closer to about three seconds, a voice echoed from the PA system mounted right next to the door- right above the brass nameplate. 

Fancy.

As Ramiel pushed the door open, she saw the man who was supposed to be headmaster of the school, along with a quite attractive blonde lady who Ramiel would have been more than happy to show her ‘positron cannon’ to. 

Of the two, Ramiel’s first impression of the rather surprised looking gray haired man was...

"Your chair looks like a penis." 

Well, her  _ second  _ impression at any rate. That 'Ozpin' felt like every other headmaster she'd seen, although maybe a little less perverted. But his Soul... 

A human would be impressed by the man's calm. A mage would be unimpressed with his flair. But an Angel, who could see the Lights of the Soul as clear as day, could tell that the man was  _ old.  _ Far, far older than any human or Angel she'd seen, although there were some  _ doubts  _ about the Seeds. Progenitors and all that, y’know. 

The  _ old  _ man, still looking slightly surprised, let a flicker of amusement flit across his face. And yes,  _ let.  _ Ramiel wasn't certain how old  _ exactly  _ the man was, but some fucker with a Soul like  _ that  _ just  _ had  _ to do emotions  _ deliberately.  _

The lady, on the other facet, just looked scandalized. "Who do you think you are?" she demanded. 

"An Invincible Girl," Ramiel shot back immediately. "Not a single fucking person on this planet can defeat me!" 

She made a show of looking the woman over. "...Although for you, beautiful, I can make one or two exceptions, if you catch my meaning~" 

The lady whipped out a  _ riding crop _ (kinky!) and pointed it at her. "Who the Hell are you and where's Pyrrha Nikos?" 

Ramiel tilted her head. "...Who?"

"Glynda, please stand down," said the headmaster, sipping something from a white mug. "I think I should have given our little intern an actual  _ name _ before sending him off to the airport, is what I think has happened. My bad." 

The woman - Glynda - rounded on the man instead. "Ozpin you useless troll! What do you  _ mean  _ you sent- did you  _ want  _ the first egomaniac the poor man found or-?" 

Ozpin sipped his beverage and changed the subject. "So what  _ is _ your name, young lady?" 

Ramiel considered protesting the 'young' part, before doing some mental maths and discovering to her eternal dismay that despite spending 300 years dead, she was  _ still  _ just about seventeen or so. "Ramiel," she introduced herself instead. "No last name." 

_ Yet,  _ she didn't add, as before the bet, Louise had been trying to adopt her into the Vallière family somehow. She... wasn't quite sure how to feel about that. 

“Well then, miss Ramiel, I apologize for the mixup. If there’s any way we can make this up to you, please let us know,” Ozpin spoke, just the slightest tinge of regret in his voice, though it was overshadowed with a larger hint of curiosity- after all, Ramiel called herself invincible and he almost wanted to know whether it was sheer egomania or if the statement had even the slightest grain of truth to it. “But may I ask… what exactly were you doing at the airport? I imagine that since you came here with no hesitation, you didn’t exactly have much to do.”

Ramiel actually considered the question,for her credit. "Decided to take on the world and win, of course!" She coughed. "...May have skipped a few important steps. Figured I'd figure it out." 

She made a show of looking around. "Say, this school. The hell is it a school  _ of _ that it requires invincible girls like yours truly?" 

The headmaster smiled. "It just so happens that Beacon Academy is the premier combat school of Vale, if not the world. Of course, the other Kingdoms might disagree, but am I not allowed to show some bias as Headmaster?" 

Ramiel paused. Combat school. School of combat. A place where she could technically beat up anyone if she wished. 

"I'm in. Absolutely in. Where do I sign up?" 

Ozpin chuckled. "Well, miss Ramiel, I'm sure I can draw up some paperwork for you-" 

"Aren't we forgetting something?" Glynda asked waspishly, arms crossed. "Like the fact that miss Ramiel here has nothing but words to go on by? Or the fact that miss Nikos is at places unknown right now?" 

"Psh," Ramiel scoffed. "If she's as invincible as I am, she's got nothing to fear, now does she? I mean come on, how much trouble can she be in really?" 

<>

"Stay-  _ still!"  _

Pyrrha dived out of the red blade's path, instead blocking the blow with Milo. "Really," she pointed out, "you're raising entirely too much fuss over such a simple matter!" 

"I am  _ not _ ," her opponent growled, struggling against her, horns gleaming in the harsh electric lights of the warehouse, "making a  _ fuss!  _ You said  _ I belonged in a cage!"  _

"I  _ said _ you looked like an experienced cage fighter!" Pyrrha corrected, frown flitting across her face, blocking another blow from the man's sword. "It was a  _ compliment!"  _

"Do you think this is a  _ game _ ?" the man roared. "My brothers and sisters are  _ suffering  _ in cages like these! It is a grim reminder-" 

_ "We're literally fighting in a cage fight right now!"  _ Pyrrha yelled, bending under a wide slash and backflipping away with the movement.  _ "You challenged me to a match! I accepted! This is the best goddamn fight I've had in  _ **_years!_ ** _ Just take the compliment!"  _

“HRAARGH!” came her opponent’s eloquent reply as he swung towards her again, blinded with rage at her words.

Pyrrha just sighed, and continued fighting- clearly, the time for words was over.


	2. The Second, In Which Events Immediately Start Spiraling out of Control

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ramiel joins a combat school!
> 
> ...
> 
> Oh no.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't believe Rex's lies. 
> 
> I'm the one writing three quarters of this entire extended shitpost of a fic.
> 
> \- Jsyrin

"So let me get this straight," Ramiel said, excitement vibrating through her voice, "You can absolutely sign me up for this place, but only if I get to prove to you that I belong in a place that teaches you to beat up stuff by beating up your vicemistress?" 

Ozpin coughed. "Yes, that does sum up what I said, miss Ramiel. Although I'd prefer if you never called professor Goodwitch a 'vicemistress' again, if you please... She's hard enough to deal with when calm." 

"Noted!" Ramiel grinned, already cracking her knuckles and focusing on the irate woman. 

"You don't want a weapon?" the headmaster asked mildly. "I can provide if you so wished." 

Ramiel... paused. Wait. Right. Damn it, she was supposed to pretend to be a human, wasn't she? Actually, no. She could do it. Humans around here had all sorts of tricks up their sleeves, didn't they? 

"If I needed someone else's weapon," she finally provided, "I'd be a piss-poor example of invincibility, now wouldn't I?" 

"Indeed," Glynda snapped from across the floor. "We fight until you yield, get knocked out, or thrown out of the ring. Got it?" 

"Do I get to ask you for a date if I win?" Ramiel asked curiously. "It's not like I wouldn't ask anyway, but incentive besides a fight is nice..." 

" _ If _ you somehow manage to win," the woman snarled, "then yes.  _ Otherwise..."  _ She raised her riding crop into a threatening stance. 

Ramiel did not feel very impressed. Admittedly, that might have been due to how her Absolute Territory was wrapped around her skin, but still... 

What was Glynda going to do with a riding crop? Spank her for being a bad girl?

Ramiel paused- actually that sounded kinda hot-

“Begin!”

Wait wha-

Ramiel immediately let out a surprised yelp as the other woman waved her riding crop around in a series of quick slashes, the tip of it glowing as the  _ floor tore itself up and into the air _ .

“That’s bullshit!” Ramiel cursed out, her jaw dropping as the broken floor pieces swiftly converged together into a massive, rocky spear- one that immediately rushed towards her faster than she could move out of the way and…

Broke itself on her face.

Obviously.

Ramiel groaned and spat out concrete dust as the shards of broken floor bounced off of her face and front, spitting and hissing less from any actual distress- the light of her soul had, after all, deflected it all with the same ease that it had blocked artillery barrages and mountain destroying laser fire- but more from the fact that her mouth had been open when the giant mass of floor slammed into her face and  _ filled her mouth with dirt and dust _ .

“Aw- ugh! Ptuy! Nasty!” Ramiel whined, wiping her tongue on her sleeve and glaring at both Ozpin and Glynda, who seemed incredulous that she not only tanked the blow but  _ survived _ without a scratch. “Do you guys ever clean your floors!? I swear half of that dust was  _ shoe grime!” _

She noticed the incredulous stares. “Seriously. I told you lot I was fucking invincible. What did you  _ think _ would happen?”

“It’s one thing to  _ say _ that,” the headmaster commented, sipping from his mug and eyeing her with undisguised curiosity, “and quite another to witness it. And it’s one thing to tank an attack, and another to dish it out, as it were. You have shown that you can tank. Can you land a hit?”

_ Please. Let me just charge up all my lasers- wait. Human. Shit. Okay. Punch first, think of lasers later? Yeah, that’ll do. _

“Oh I can land a hit…. uh, probably,” Ramiel shrugged and turned back towards Glynda, raising her fists as she charged forth with all the speed and strength her body could muster.

Which… wasn’t a lot, honestly. Her human body was many things, but abnormally strong was more of Zeruel’s thing, and abnormally fast was more Sachiel’s. Ramiel, thus, simply flailed her fists around wildly at Glynda, who sidestepped and redirected every blow with exponentially increasing frustration until the blonde woman finally gave in and kicked her in the chest sending her-

“Argh!” Glynda winced and hopped back, clutching her ankle as the shock of her kick raced back into her leg rather than into Ramiel, whose soul deflected the impact with a ringing echo not unlike a gong.

As Glynda cursed and rubbed the feeling back into her lower leg, Ramiel considered the other woman for a moment, then tilted her head.

“... Ah. I get it now,” she murmured, as a slow, sinister smile made its way across her face- one that sent a chill down both Glynda and Ozpin’s spines. “Very interesting use of your souls there…”

With just the tiniest flex of the light of her soul, Ramiel reared back with one fist, almost glowing with power as she swung down with a loud kiai and-

“Holy  _ shit _ !” Glynda almost  _ screamed _ as a massive chunk of the floor erupted into a wave of spikes, the sheer impact of Ramiel’s fist shaking the entire training room like a small earthquake and sending shards of rock flying around the room like shrapnel.

Grinning like a loon, Ramiel flew out of the dust cloud, AT-Field coating her fists. “I know what you’re doing,” she declared as she swung her fist. “I can  _ hit  _ you now- HEY!!” 

Glynda dodged again. “No, you can’t,” she snarled. “You have a lot of power...”

Her whip glowed as a gigantic purple mandala sprung into existence in front of her. “...but none of the  _ finesse! _ ”

The room  _ moved. _ Every single piece of dust, debris, and assorted rubble struck the unimpressed Angel with all the force of a vicious sandstorm... to the effect of no damage whatsoever.

The indicator for her Aura on the wall screen didn’t even so much as  _ dip _ .

“Yeah I don’t think I really need a whole lot of finesse if I’m  _ literally invincible _ ,” Ramiel deadpanned, walking through the almost literal blender of concrete and rebar and tile until she stood in front of a shocked Glynda and-

“That’s enough,” Ozpin called out, wincing as Glynda slammed into the wall and left a massive dent in the concrete, cracks spiderwebbing out all the way to the ceiling nearly twenty feet above. “Miss Ramiel, I’d appreciate it if you refrained from hospitalizing Glynda. Glynda… I think this demonstrates enough, don’t you think?”

He motioned idly to the screen on the wall, which showed Glynda’s Aura just barely above depleted- thrown into the red from a single strike, and one that was halfhearted at best from the blue-haired girl.

Ramiel just grinned smugly. 

The beleaguered deputy dragged herself from the crater, snarling. “Yes. It does. Congratulations, Headmaster,  _ you _ are the one to teach her restraint.”

Ramiel scoffed. “Yeah, right. Hey Prof, how about that date?”

Glynda scowled. “No.”

The Angel frowned. “But you said I could ask-”

“But I didn’t say I’d say  _ yes, _ ” the woman countered, crossing her arms. “Ozpin, please handle this yourself. I’m  _ out. _ ”

She stalked from the room, waves of anger rolling off of her.

<>

“Sooooooooo….” Ramiel drawled, sprawled in the seat across from Ozpin and idly examining her nails as she considered the older man. “Now that we’ve established that I’m allowed to be here, what exactly am I gonna  _ do _ ? Doesn’t seem like there’s a lotta students here at this academy for whatever reason.”

“That’s because the semester hasn’t started yet,” Ozpin deadpanned, sighing quietly and rubbing the bridge of his nose. “As it stands, currently your test scores put you so far behind literally  _ everyone else _ in every respect other than- actually, even  _ including _ combat- that I might as well put you back in elementary school just to learn a basic grasp of… well. Everything.”

“Every- wh- what do you mean  _ everything!? _ ” Ramiel spluttered, glaring daggers at Ozpin, who merely raised an eyebrow as he shuffled through his papers.

“Ah, apologies. The single placement test you didn’t perform horribly in is in higher order mathematics.” Ozpin deadpanned, setting aside the single slip of paper before tossing the rest into the trashcan beneath his desk. “Out of twenty two different subjects, eight of which are relevant to this school’s education system for huntsmen and huntresses- those being mathematics, dust mechanics, armed and unarmed combat, history, geography, biology, chemistry, and weapon engineering…. you aced one test, had barely passable scores in basic language skills, and failed all the others- though, your physics exam had some… interesting results.”

“It’s not my fault you guys use extra units,” Ramiel muttered almost petulantly, crossing her arms and huffing.

“Those are standardized units, miss Ramiel.”

“.... Whatever.”

“As it is, we’ll be placing you on an accelerated remedial curriculum to catch you up to speed with your peers,” Ozpin continued as if Ramiel hadn’t said anything. “You’ll have to attend extra classes with your professors at least twice a week. And… I sincerely wish I didn’t have to say this but- please refrain from flirting with Glynda while in class.”

“But she’s  _ hot _ ,” Ramiel protested lightly, only to cut herself off at Ozpin’s unamused glare.

“And constantly barraging her with flirtatious behavior constitutes sexual harassment, which you can be tried for as an adult now that you are an official student of Beacon Academy,” Ozpin sighed quietly, sliding over a thick folder of papers and a plastic wrapped bundle of clothes. “I will remind you of this  _ once _ , Miss Ramiel. I sincerely hope I do not see you in this office again for a very long time. Here is your schedule and temporary room assignment. Students will begin arriving tomorrow, and Initiation is the day after that. Try not to cause too much of a ruckus. Understood?”

Ramiel crossed her arms, pouting. “Yeah, yeah, I got it. Not  _ my _ fault you lot have all those stupid  _ rules. _ ”

“Rules that we have for a reason, miss Ramiel,” Ozpin noted pointedly. “I understand that you grew up outside of the Kingdoms, and I understand that the rules might be a little bit different there, but I expect you to  _ learn. _ You’re not the first student to come from a different culture, and you won’t be the last. All the others managed.”

Ramiel’s eyes flashed. “So if they could do it,  _ so can I? _ Are you  _ trying _ to play on my ego, Headmaster? Because let me tell you right now, it’s  _ working _ and I don’t like it!”

“.... Let’s go with that. Now please, I’m sure you’ve had a long day and I have work to do,” Ozpin pinched his brow again and motioned towards the door. 

As Ramiel left, Ozpin sighed heavily and rubbed his temples, already dreading the unbearable headaches that Ramiel would no doubt bring him. But thinking about her would only make the headache worse, so- 

He switched tracks and rubbed his forehead, taking a bracing swig from his coffee as he did.

“... Now… where is Pyrrha Nikos…?”

<>

“I… don’t know how to feel about this,” Pyrrha murmured to herself, chewing on her lower lip as she stared at the uniform before her. It wasn’t that it was pretty much just a black and white version of her normal Mistral armor with slightly more coverage, nor was it the fact that it came with a stencil of the White Fang symbol if she wanted to spraypaint her shield with it, but rather…

“... Why am I even allowed this at all?” Pyrrha asked the White Fang grunt behind her- she couldn’t quite remember his name, but she thought it might have started with a K or something (Kyle? Karkino?)- who only shrugged and made a noncommittal grunt.

“You beat the boss and you’re  _ Pyrrha Nikos _ ,” the guy- who, on closer inspection, had an actual name tag with “Silver” written on it- said with still more of that same lackadaisical tone. “You might not be a Faunus but half our members still think you’re good people. So… welcome to the club, acting commander Nikos.”

“... Is mister Taurus going to be okay?” Pyrrha asked slowly as she picked up the ceramic mask that  _ used _ to belong to the red haired man she’d KO’d and slowly turned it in her hands, brow furrowing as she recalled the rather unnecessarily brutal RKO she’d inflicted upon his poor, possibly now fractured skull. And the People’s Elbow on his ribs. And the Suplexes. And-

“... well I mean. If he wakes up, probably he’ll be pissed,” Silver shrugged. “Other than that… well, if he doesn’t wake up in a month he’s probably dead anyway.”

“.... I see.”

Silently, Pyrrha wondered if perhaps Adam was a bad leader- after all, if he were a good leader she wouldn’t have been congratulated so much, or offered acting commander rights, would she now?


	3. The Third, In Which a Sentient Rock Flirts with a Coconut

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ramiel shoots her shot and doesn't get rejected. 
> 
> Oh... yay?

“Wow this uniform sucks,” Ramiel spoke dryly to thin air as she trudged along through Beacon’s halls, squinting against the early morning sun and glaring at the teeming masses of humanity starting to trickle into the school grounds. “It’s all starchy and dry and red is _so_ not my color. Why did I even put it on?”

She stopped at a convenient window, gazing down at all the ununiformed people moving towards the conference hall. “Oh right. It’s the nicest thing I own right now, isn’t it?”

Grumbling, she got up and stalked off towards the gathering place hall thing whose name she never bothered to learn.

“Hey you!” an unfamiliar voice called out, one that echoed with both curiosity and suspicion despite the somewhat friendly tone of voice the owner used. Ramiel turned around slowly and raised an eyebrow, taking in the sight of a rather fashionable girl who seemed just a bit older than Ramiel herself. 

The older girl strode forward, cocksure and confident in her steps as her heels clacked against the tiled floors of the hall. “Haven’t seen you around here before- you a new transfer? What year are you in?”

“Literally new,” she answered, tilting her head. Something about that girl... “Just arrived yesterday.”

“Huh, a freshie already dressed in uniform. Overachiever, aren’t you?” the girl grinned, cocking her hip and lowering her sunglasses. “Y’know you don’t have to wear your uniform outside of class hours, right?”

Ramiel made a face. "It's one of all of my _two_ outfits," she grumbled. "I don't have anything nicer. Or cooler. Didn't see much point..." she gestured vaguely. "...before."

“... Well that’s just a shame. What’s your name, new girl?” The girl pursed her lips and frowned a bit, looking Ramiel over and tilting her head. “I’m Coco. Coco Adel. C’mon, Initiation for freshies isn’t til tomorrow and we got plenty of daylight to burn. I’ll buy you some new outfits.”

Ramiel considered the offer for a moment. "Sure, why not." 

She eyed Coco for a moment, took in the girl's ensemble, shrugged mentally and plowed forth. "Name's Ramiel de la Vallière. Technically. Just call me Ramiel. The last name isn't technically official." 

The Angel walked next to Coco, furiously wondering what the hell else to talk about.

“Huh… that’s an old fashioned name,” Coco raised an eyebrow and looked down at Ramiel, idly scratching her cheek as she mouthed the words of Ramiel’s name. “No color references that I can think of- did your family come from some town that wasn’t hit by the Great War or something? I know a couple people near the Menagerie coastline still have different names… But that’s like, an _old_ old name pattern you got there.”

Ramiel snorted. "Ya think? The de Vallières go back _at least_ a thousand years, and I'm so awesome that my name _literally_ means 'thunder of God'. I'm a bona fide certified _badass_ in every facet of the matter and _for fuck's sake_ I need to get a grip on my ego-" 

She blinked. "Did I just say that last part out loud?" 

“Yeeeeeeeeup,” Coco drawled, intentionally popping the p in as obnoxious a manner as possible as she stifled a laugh into her fist. “Pretty big name you got there for such a half pint, though. We’ll see how you stack up to it eventually, I guess.” She grinned and, before Ramiel could react, ruffled the Angel’s hair. “So, shall we go?”

Ramiel glared, furiously smoothing at her _long_ mane. "Watch the _hair,_ coconut!" 

She nodded imperiously. "And yes. You will accompany me to the nearest place, where I shall use the stack of tiny plastic cards I got from an undisclosed location to get me something _cool_ to wear. And you may advise." 

“.... I swear you’re either fucking with me right now or you genuinely have no idea what a credit card is,” Coco deadpanned, rolling her eyes as she led Ramiel through the hall of Beacon and down to the landing pad below, idly striding through the crowd of students- some of which were more important looking than others by virtue of not wearing generic plate armor that they probably picked up for less than it cost for Ramiel to actually get to Vale- and onto a departing bullhead. “Yeesh, you act like a princess.”

"I learned from the best," Ramiel declared. "Shouldn't I be proud of being a badass motherfucker? Shouldn't the world know of the greatness that is me?" 

“Actions speak louder than words, lil freshie,” Coco deadpanned, leaning back on her seat in a casual sprawl, a pose that spoke volumes of her sheer confidence and strength without saying a word. “Make your mark on the world first, then I’ll consider calling you a badass. Right now, though? You’re kinda just a freshie. And since I haven’t heard of you anywhere… probably not someone who’s done anything impressive.”

Ramiel scoffed. "I've done plenty of impressive things! Just, yknow, most of it not in Vale. Although I did knock a teacher on her ass yesterday, does that count?" 

“What, did you knock Professor Peach over in the hall or something?” Coco raised an eyebrow, clearly not thinking much of Ramiel’s boasting. 

Ramiel frowned. "Who the Hell is Professor Peach?" 

“... How the f- right, you’re new here,” Coco pinched her brow, then paused as she considered Ramiel’s words. “... Wait, so if it wasn’t Professor Peach then…”

"The blonde sex on legs?" the Angel grinned. "Fuck yes. The guy with the dick chair said I needed to back up my words and asked her to kick my ass. So, _obviously,_ I backed up my words and kicked _her_ ass instead. Mind you, I'd have preferred to do _other_ kinds of things to her ass - she reminds me of my ex-girlfriend - but alas, it was not to be."

She shook her fist dramatically. "One day, I shall _tap that._ But that day is not today. _"_

“I- you- how the hell did you beat Professor Goodwitch!?” Coco goggled, jaw dropping open as she stared at Ramiel. “She’s one of the most skilled Huntresses in all of Vale! No one’s been able to beat her in a fight before!”

"Endurance. Duh." 

Noting Coco's incredulous stare, Ramiel rolled her eyes and explained. "I'm a natural fucking tank. _Amazing_ stamina, in more ways than just fighting if you're interested later, a literal _mountain_ of Soul... I walked straight through everything she threw at me and punched her in the stomach." 

The Angel leaned back on the seat, hands lazily crossed behind her head. "As I said. I rule." 

“... I… see…” Coco murmured softly, blushing a bit at Ramiel’s casual flirtation and clearing her throat to regain her balance. “Well, I guess I was wrong about you freshie. Maybe you’re more of a badass than I thought you were… But I guess time will tell if you’re telling the truth about that or not.”

"Noted," the Angel grinned. "So tell me, Coco. What... is my _style?_

<>

"Oh, I dig it," Ramiel declared, spinning in a circle, before striking a pose. "Oh, I absolutely _dig_ it." 

Coco clapped idly, nodding approvingly at Ramiel’s [outfit](https://imgur.com/a/02bCrUS)\- a simple blue coat, with golden clasps like marching band uniform, atop a navy blue tank top with matching loose fit trousers and gray steel toed boots. The entire ensemble was topped off with a spiked shoulder pad, a belt with a thigh strap emblazoned with Ramiel’s (hastily designed) symbol, and a single fingerless glove with an armor plate on the back. 

“You look pretty good, freshie,” she grinned, watching as Ramiel twirled about and admired her own reflection. “Obviously not as good as me, but it’s pretty cute for a first outfit.”

"Bite me," Ramiel replied without any real heat in her tone. She made another twirl. "I look fucking badass and I love it." 

“Ehh… you’re still too short n’ scrawny to be _badass_ , but I guess you might grow into it,” Coco teased, standing up and ruffling Ramiel’s mane of hair again before striding over to the counter to pay for Ramiel’s outfit. “Tell ya what, this one’s on me. You can pay me back for it by making sure you make yourself as memorable as you think you are.”

“‘Course I can,” the Angel scoffed. “It’s what I _do._ ”

She looked Coco over. _Actually, why the fuck not?_

“Soooooo~~” she drawled, sidling over to the older girl. “Wanna get laid?”

Coco laughed. "Eager, ain't ya?" She reached over and ruffled Ramiel’s hair yet again, dodging away from the Angel’s indignant retaliation. "Methinks you should concentrate on the Initiation tomorrow, freshie. Wouldn't want to be all distracted in the middle of a battle, now would you?" 

Ramiel rolled her eyes. " _Please_ , it wouldn't be the first time I went into a fight straight after sex. There was this one time-" 

"Oh I _like_ you," the older girl purred. "Tell you what. Go through the Initiation tomorrow, get your team, get to know them, and then hit me up in a few days - I swear you're as bad as Velvet." She paused. "Don't tell her I said that, she's a lovely girl really..." 

Ramiel only winked in response. "It's a date!" 

<>

"...So what does the White Fang normally do?" Pyrrha asked a little awkwardly. "I refuse to believe that all you do is perpetuate violence, most of you are far too nice for that..." 

"Only most of us?" the giant with a chainsaw in the back - he'd asked Pyrrha just call him Banesaw - rumbled irritably. "That's-" 

"Adam," Pyrrha countered immediately. "He couldn't have been an effective leader if he didn't have anyone to agree with, right?" 

"-a good point," Banesaw finished uncomfortably. "Sorry, miss Pyrrha." 

“It’s alright, I’m aware that circumstances for Faunus-kind haven’t been… _great_ to say the least,” Pyrrha shook her head and shrugged, sighing a bit as she leaned against the large planning table that held little else but a map of Vale with a knife stabbed into its center and a few empty mugs. “I can understand how that kind of attitude would crop up, though I wish it wouldn’t, of course.”

"Because if it didn't, there would be no need for a White Fang," said another Faunus near Banesaw- Pyrrha thought his name might have been Red, though with how his nametag was half hidden, it could have just as easily been Rudy or something.

"Exactly," Pyrrha sighed. "Right. I think I need to figure out what Adam was doing before I, um... arrived, and then go from there..." 

"We were stockpiling Dust," Banesaw rumbled. 

“Right… and why exactly were you all stockpiling Dust?” Pyrrha asked, raising her eyebrow and tilting her head slightly as she tried to puzzle out their reasoning. “Because if it’s for what I _think_ Adam would have planned, I’m not entirely sure we should keep all of that Dust around…”

"We don't know," Red said. "Adam was working with someone, we don't know exactly who, but she was definitely a human." 

Pyrrha blinked. "Really? I thought... I mean given what reaction Adam had to _me_ , I'd have thought..." 

"She waltzed in and cowed Adam into submission," Banesaw declared, grumbling dangerously. "I didn't like her." 

Crossing her arms, Pyrrha frowned. "Well then. I suppose that under my leadership, we'll try _not_ to be cowed into submission by somebody who's willing to use force in this manner, shall we?" 

The Faunus around her erupted into a resounding cheer.


	4. The Fourth, In Which Ramiel Makes a Mockery of the Beacon Initiation Test

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ramiel gets launched into the forest and meets her future team!
> 
> One of them is named Nora Valkyrie.
> 
> Oh no.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Disclaimer: Nora Valkyrie does not yet appear in the story.

“.... We’re getting thrown off a cliff into a dangerous monster filled forest as our  _ Initiation _ ,” Ramiel deadpanned incredulously, staring at Ozpin as he explained their task. To her direct left, some scrawny looking blonde kid gulped and braced himself as he clutched his shield in front of him like a sled.

“That is what I just said,” Ozpin answered, motioning idly as the various generic students (though, considering Beacon’s prestige, were they really generic? Ramiel’s answer: Yes, since most of them were wearing literally nothing but dull earth tones and shitty bandit chic armor. Fuckin’ losers) began to get launched off into the woods, some of them whooping, some of them screaming- hell, one blonde with huge titties (that Ramiel kinda wanted to fondle) even used her surprisingly badass weapon to make herself go  _ faster _ .

_ Badass _ .

“Just checking,” Ramiel nodded, then rolled her neck and shoulders as she braced for impact (mostly to keep up the illusion of humanity) and-

“WOOOOOOHOOOOOOO!”

She grinned as wide as she could, soaring through the air not under her own power, but under the whims of the cruel, cruel mistress that was gravity. Although, in her case, gravity was more of a  _ fun  _ mistress than anything else. 

She smashed through a tree, and another, and another, whooping all the while. "This is the life!" she yelled, finally cratering into the ground with a tremendous crash that left her spread-eagled in the ground, looking up at the sky with a massive grin on her face. 

For a few moments, she just laid there, basking in the feeling of being flung about with no real threat and just enjoying the adrenaline rush that came from smashing through a good almost half mile chunk of forest from sheer momentum.

That is, until a frantic looking, scrawny blonde guy took up most of her field of view, blocked her view of the sky, and immediately began fretting over her while pulling an increasingly absurd amount of medical supplies out of his backpack/fanny pack combination… thing.

“Oh no no no, are you alright? Your eyes are open but I’m not feeling a pulse- Aura is still strong under my fingers so you shouldn’t be too hurt- hey, what’s your name?” he spoke rapidly, snapping his fingers in front of her face to draw her attention. “Stay with me lady, you haven’t even finished your Initiation yet!”

The grin slid off her face as she glared at the interruption. “I’m  _ fine, _ stop fretting,” she quipped, heaving herself onto her elbows and cracking her neck. “I was just... enjoying the rush. That’s all.”

“... Oh. Well now I just feel awkward,” the guy cleared his throat and looked to the side, hiding a faint blush of embarrassment as he re-packed his bag. “At least you’re okay, partner. Would have been… probably pretty bad if you’d died five minutes into Initiation. Oh- right, I’m Jaune by the way. Jaune Arc, from Illume- I’m a licensed combat medic.”

Snorting, Ramiel extended a hand. “Ramiel. Last name pending, sitch is complicated. Partner?”

“Yeah, you didn’t hear professor Ozpin? First person you make eye contact with is your partner for the rest of your time at Beacon,” Jaune took Ramiel’s hand and stood, helping her up (not that she needed it). “And… Ramiel, huh? That’s an old style of name, isn’t it? Sounds like a strong name, though, so I guess it only fits for someone who managed to tank half a mile of trees without getting hurt.”

“Oh, it’s absolutely not a coincidence,” Ramiel bragged. “I have one of the strongest A _ -uras _ in the family; only my youngest sister is stronger than I, and she doesn’t count, she’s a  _ specialized _ tank.  _ I, _ Ramiel, on the other hand am a verified  _ fortress! _ ”

“Huh, that’s pretty convenient,” Jaune nodded along, blinking slowly and chuckling to himself. “It’s kinda the same here, except I’m the youngest and… also the only one with an unlocked aura. But apparently I have a  _ lot _ compared to most people… even though it’s nowhere near enough to handle tanking like you can.”

“Don’t worry,” the Angel replied magnanimously, “I won’t hold it against you. Not everyone can be me, after all.”

She stretched, arching her back and semi-intentionally giving the boy a show of sorts. “Shall we?”

“Uh- yeah, sure. Do you know where we’re heading? Professor Ozpin said something about a temple in the forest, but he didn’t exactly uh… tell us where it is.” Jaune simply blinked slowly, completely unaffected by Ramiel’s unintentional show. He shrugged, spun around, and pointed off-

“Thataway!” he announced semi-confidently, walking vaguely north-ish on a hunch and/or an uneducated guess.

The Angel rolled her eyes. “Yeah, no.” She looked around. Short trees, short trees... oh look, a taller tree! “Hey Jaune,” she called out, “Be a hand and gimme some leverage, would you? I’mma go run up a tree.”

“Huh-? Oh, sure… uh, here,” Jaune awkwardly spun around and positioned himself at the base of the taller tree, ducking down and positioning his shield in front of him. Moments later, Ramiel sprinted forward, jumping off of Jaune’s shield and flinging herself high up into the tree’s canopy with a loud whoop.

“You uh- see anything up there?” Jaune called out, watching Ramiel with a slight bit of concern for a few moments before turning his attention on the forest around them and keeping watch for any sign of Grimm.

“I see Beacon,” Ramiel yelled back, “which isn’t all that useful I guess... Some cliffs... Ruins? That looks templey, and it’s... north. Dammit kid your gut was right- is that a giant bird?”

“A giant  _ what- _ ” Jaune yelled back, moments before Ramiel was hit in the face with said giant bird. With an enraged yell, she tumbled down from the tree and, amusingly enough, right back into the crater she’d created earlier.

“A giant motherfucking bird,” she growled from the hole.

“... I’d ask if you were okay but considering I just saw you break like sixteen trees with your face, I’m just going to assume you’re more annoyed than anything else,” Jaune deadpanned dryly, rolling his eyes as he reached behind his shield and pulled out… a gun.

A completely normal, unmodified, Huntsman spec gun.

“... You know, I somehow expected something different,” Ramiel muttered as she watched Jaune scan the trees, firing a few shots as growls began echoing around them. “Maybe a sword gun or something, like what literally everyone else seems to have.”

“I can’t afford mechashift components and Illume didn’t have the curriculum to support giving them away for free,” Jaune sighed, shoulders drooping as what seemed like an entire army of Beowolves came slinking out of the trees. “... I don’t suppose you have some kind of secret weapon that can deal with a whole army of Grimm on you.”

Ramiel considered that. “Theoretically.” She could always go full Angel and just genocide the lot, but that was... cheap, kind of? And yes, theoretically she had access to her lasers when in human form, but she’d never seen the  _ point _ before - she could always just go back into Angel form if she needed to shoot at something, right? But now since the bet...

Well, she could always forfeit-

...No. No she bloody well could not. She was Ramiel! The Thunder of Zero! She would not let herself be brought low by something as trivial as a lack of  _ practice _ with lasers!

“Right,” she declared. “Back-to-back combat, so that you can stay out of the blast radius.”

“.... I’m sorry did you just say  _ blast radius!?” _ Jaune squeaked, immediately ducking behind Ramiel and all but hiding behind his shield as he took potshots at the approaching Grimm, wounding them but otherwise doing very little against the encroaching horde.

"I can modulate my, ah,  _ Aura,"  _ the Angel replied, concentrating on the effect she sought to achieve, "into specific  _ lenses _ to direct a focused stream of photons in a destructive manner - lots of higher mathematics are involved, but the basic gist is that I can fire lasers of doom of various strengths." 

"Since when do lasers have a  _ blast radius!?"  _ Jaune yelled hysterically, increasing his rate of potshots frantically. 

"Since I'm trying to concentrate a massive focused beam into an equally massive  _ unfocused _ beam!" Ramiel cackled, angling her AT-field into a fan-shaped 'barrel' for lack of a better word. "I haven't actually  _ done  _ an area effect before, so shade your eyes!" 

“Oh gods why did I have to get the crazy laser girl as my partner-” Jaune yelped and immediately shaded his eyes behind his shield, squeezing them shut and praying for dear life as a static whine filled the clearing and the sound of shrill, tortured crystal began screaming through the air and-

_ Light _

_ Heat _

_ Ow _

A crimson burst of plasma  _ burned _ through the area in a massive wave, a flash of light like an explosion with all the force of a bomb. The Grimm didn’t stand a chance, all of them disintegrating in an instant as Ramiel swept the fan shaped burst of energy around and turned what was once a small clearing in the forest into a wide circle of naught but blasted ash and felled trees, burning and crackling as the lingering screams of dying Grimm echoed in the air and faded into smoke.

Cackling in glee, Ramiel dissipated her projection, eyes alight as she took in the devastation. "Ohhhhhhh yessssss! I haven't had this much fun with my lasers since I was  _ fifteen!  _ I have  _ got  _ to start experimenting again!" 

"Nowhere near a population, nowhere near a city, nowhere near anything resembling civilization," Jaune chanted to himself, shaken almost to the core and desperately praying he  _ didn't _ actually suffer permanent blindness. 

"Oh  _ please _ ," Ramiel groaned, "You're  _ fine.  _ I even dialed down the brightness for you." 

“Then why do I still feel like I got a sunburn even  _ through _ my Aura?” Jaune asked, squinting at Ramiel with half hearted annoyance and rubbing his cheeks, which seemed to indeed be far brighter red than they were a moment ago- albeit that too was fading now that his Aura was taking care of it.

“You’re just shy of chalk white, dumbass,” Ramiel rolled her eyes, snorting as she began walking in the direction of where she had seen the big set of ruins. “I bet you burn going on a walk in the spring.”

“I do  _ not!” _ Jaune protested weakly, knowing damn well that the only reason that he didn’t was due to his Aura. “Also- next time could you  _ not _ sweep the mega doom laser  _ right over my head _ without warning!?”

"Didn't the words 'blast radius' serve as plenty of warning anyway?" Ramiel asked, raising a skeptical eyebrow. "Oh right, you've only just met me. Darn." 

She patted the boy on the shoulder. "Don't worry. You'll learn." 

“... That… somehow doesn’t fill me with confidence. At all. Actually that only makes me feel worse about being in this partnership,” Jaune deadpanned, sighing and massaging his temples as he considered the merits of dropping out of Beacon and going back to med school.

<>

“... Hm, why do I feel like I just missed something important…” Pyrrha murmured to herself as she ate her lunch- a simple but filling meal of some kind of Atlesian MRE that she probably didn’t want to know the source of. “.... Lieutenant Banesaw, were we supposed to do anything today?”

“Not that I’m aware of, miss Pyrrha,” the giant man answered, polishing his chainsaw with one hand while somehow eating  _ through _ his mask with his other- wait no, he’d just pushed it up a little bit to expose his mouth. His face was apparently just that pale- did he  _ ever _ take off that mask?

Somehow, Pyrrha wasn’t sure she wanted to know.

“Hm… well alright then. Well, could you tell the other lieutenants to come meet with me later? I think I have an idea on how we can move forward from now on.”

“Sure thing, miss Pyrrha.”


	5. The Fifth, In Which Chaos Unfolds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ramiel and Jaune meet Ren and Nora.
> 
> Ren meets a kindred spirit. Nora ALSO meets a kindred spirit.
> 
> We're doomed.

5)

“Okay so, ground rules,” Jaune spoke up, panting heavily and brushing layers of soot off of his once pristine white armor. “One: stop blowing up chunks of the forest just because Grimm are attacking us. Two: STOP BLOWING UP ENTIRE CHUNKS OF THE FOREST JUST BECAUSE GRIMM ARE ATTACKING US!”

"The headmaster told us to kill anything that stood in our way," Ramiel quipped glibly and blasted another beam of light and heat from the AT-field hovering above her palm. "As such, I decided that the most fun course of action is to conclude that the trees are evil and kill them too." 

“YOU ARE DESTROYING THE ENVIRONMENT AND COULD CAUSE UNTOLD AMOUNTS OF DAMAGE TO THE LOCAL ECOSYSTEM!” Jaune shouted, grabbing Ramiel’s shoulders before she could fire  _ more _ beams and fruitlessly trying to shake her around. “PROFESSOR OZPIN MEANT  _ KILL GRIMM _ NOT  _ BURN DOWN THE FOREST _ !”

"As long as the world isn't ash, I haven't done  _ that  _ much damage to the environment  _ really,"  _ the Angel pouted. 

"Besides," she extricated herself from Jaune's grasp, "if Ozpin didn't want us to burn down the forest he'd have said so. Or possibly punished whoever lit  _ that part over there  _ on fire." Ramiel gestured. "See? A giant column of smoke. I haven't fired any beams in that direction yet..." 

“... I hate this. I hate everything about this. I hate  _ literally everything about this _ ,” Jaune muttered, sighing heavily and just heading back towards the temple, trudging as though he had the weight of the world on his shoulders.

Or maybe it was just the surprisingly heavy laser girl he was fruitlessly trying to drag with him.

"I can walk, you know," Ramiel groused, trying to shake the boy off and being rather surprised over failing to do that. "...Can you let go?" 

"Are you going to stop blasting everything with doomlasers?" Jaune fired back, still dragging her towards the direction of the ruins she'd supposedly seen earlier. "Because I don't think you're going to stop. And I don't want to die in a forest fire, especially one started by  _ you,  _ so I guess neither of us is going to be happy about the situation." 

Ramiel frowned. "Give me  _ some  _ credit here. I'm not going to start a fire, I'm flash-burning everything to ash. There isn't enough  _ time  _ for a fire to actually get going." 

Jaune opened his mouth as if to say a retort, only to be cut off as a massive blur swept past him and-

“DID YOU SAY  _ DOOM LASERS!? _ ” An orange haired girl immediately began bouncing in place in front of Ramiel, a manic grin on her face as she clutched an absolutely  _ massive  _ hammer in her hands.

“Nora, please don’t accost random people without warning,” her companion sighed, trudging up behind the girl- Nora, presumably- and lifting her up by the collar so she would stop harassing Ramiel.

"Is that a  _ giant hammer!?"  _ Ramiel shot back with an equally excited tone as she swept the smaller girl off the other boy's grasp, clearly admiring Nora's oversized equipment. 

"Oh god there's two of them," Jaune groaned, before pausing and looking around. Was there an echo out here? 

The surprised boy looking back at him had that exact question written on his face, making Jaune realize what was going on. 

He stuck his hand out. "Jaune Arc, combat medic," he introduced himself. 

The other boy smiled wryly. "Lie Ren," he introduced himself back. "Basically a ninja... I suppose." 

Jaune risked a glance towards Ramiel - and Nora he guessed. The two girls didn't seem to be conspiring about explosives yet, but that didn't seem to be far either. 

"I think..." he began. 

"...We should separate those two as soon as they get it out of their system, as forcing them apart right now would simply exacerbate the problem later on?" Lie suggested. "And please, call me Ren." 

Oh, right. He figured that the other boy had known Nora for far longer than he had known Ramiel, otherwise he'd not have figured that out this quickly. And yet... 

"Them getting it out of their systems has an unnecessarily high risk of the forest being even more on fire," he pointed out. "Especially if Nora over there has a  _ mechashift  _ hammer as opposed to a normal warhammer, and  _ especially _ especially if there's  _ Dust _ in that thing." 

“... You have a very good point,” Ren murmured, eyes going wide as he finally realized the sheer devastation that could be wrought if both Nora and Ramiel got…  _ ideas _ . “Nora! We’re losing daylight. If we don’t get back up to the Academy fast enough there won’t be enough time for pancakes!”

“What!? We gotta go right now!” Nora immediately gasped out, grasping both Ren and Jaune by their elbows and  _ racing _ off towards the temple- or at least, vaguely northish. 

Idly, Jaune noted that, one, Nora was  _ surprisingly _ strong given that she could sprint at nearly highway level speeds while carrying two people, one of which was wearing  _ plate armor _ and a  _ twenty pound medic bag _ , and two, Ramiel was perfectly capable of keeping up with Nora’s maddened sprint… without so much as breaking a sweat. Or even slowing down as she physically bashed through the trees that found themselves in her way.

“How- are- you- doing- that!?” Jaune gasped out in between breaths, barely able to keep a coherent sentence going from Nora’s rough handling as she dragged them all the way to a cliff overlooking an ancient set of ruins… where it seemed like four girls were already having an absolute horrible time of trying to fight off not only a giant Nevermore the size of a small building, but also an ancient Deathstalker larger than a semi truck.

"Ridiculous amounts of stamina," the Angel quipped. "Can I use the lasers  _ now?"  _

Jaune panted for several seconds, then took a look. "...try to keep the other group alive, would you?" he sighed. 

"Shouldn't we use actual strategy?" Ren asked, perturbed. "I feel like we should use an actual strategy." 

Jaune looked at the vibrating form of Ramiel. He then looked at the equally vibrating form of Nora. He finally stared at Ren and raised an eyebrow. 

"That just makes a strategy even more necessary, doesn't it?" Ren countered. "Jaune. Please. Think of what would happen if we just unleashed them into sheer chaos with minimal plan." 

Jaune thought about it. "Do  _ you  _ want to tell them what  _ not  _ to do?" 

"I  _ have  _ been doing this for the past ten years," Ren chided. "I think I can do that. Can you?" 

Jaune stared at Ren, an unamused look on his face. Then he slid his eyes to the spot Ramiel and Nora  _ had  _ occupied. "You can, can you?" 

“... Correction. I  _ could _ . With Nora. I get the feeling that next year’s Initiation isn’t going to have these ruins,” Ren deadpanned dryly, palming his face as a loud whoop echoed out as Ramiel bodily  _ flung _ Nora into the sky like a catapult and the other girl used her momentum to uppercut the Nevermore with her hammer so hard it rocked back and fell out of the air like a sack of bricks.

“... I get the feeling this entire section of the forest is going to be uninhabitable pretty soon, actually,” Jaune sighed tiredly, shaking his head as he and Ren charged into the fight against the Deathstalker- hopefully, with six Huntsmen (or rather four Huntresses, a ninja, and a very tired combat medic) in training they could finish it off before Nora and Ramiel got tired of playing with- and Jaune really couldn’t believe he was thinking this- that poor doomed Nevermore.

"Anyone need help?" he called out, skidding to a stop and groping for his gun. "Aura boost? Medkit? Anything?" 

"We're good," chirped a tiny girl with - hang on what was her name... Rube? - with a massive scythe  _ holy shit she wasn't exaggerating yesterday- _

"Ruby!" her partner scolded, freezing one of the Deathstalker's claws into a massive ice spike and dodging frantically from the other. "Rule  _ one!"  _

"Weiss is best teammate?" the scythemistress asked, firing several potshots into... the thickest part of the Deathstalker's armor? 

"Shouldn't you be aiming for a weaker spot?" Jaune asked, unslinging his bigger gun from his back and peppering the monster's tail with a hail of bullets. 

“What weaker spot!?” Ruby asked somewhat incredulously, pausing in her shots to motion frantically at the thick armor covering the entire Grimm. “It’s all armor!”

“Then aim for the joints!” Ren pointed out, doing just that as he peppered the Deathstalker with bullets right where the claws met the grimm’s massive, oversized body.

“I know  _ I _ am...” Jaune muttered. 

“Oh yeah….” Ruby muttered, the other three girls all facepalming simultaneously as the scythe wielding girl finally remembered to aim for the joints.

“ _ Dolt,” _ Weiss muttered under her breath, shaking her head and grumbling as she continued lashing out with her Semblance and keeping the Deathstalker from advancing with large patches of ice.

“Gah!” came the sudden exclamation of the blonde girl who’d been punching fruitlessly at the base of the deathstalker’s tail as she was bodily flung off of the narrow bridge connecting the ruins to the cliffside.

“Yang!” Ruby immediately screamed, rushing forward to try and help- only for a blur of black to swoop around, catch Yang, and deposit the both of them back next to Ruby, Jaune, and Ren.

“Be careful,” the black haired girl sighed, whipping the ribbon attached to her weapon around and winding it back around her arm. “I doubt any of us want to fall into a ravine today.”

“Ha, thanks partner!” Yang grinned, hopping back to her feet and rolling her neck. “Alright everyone, we got it on the ropes, now all we gotta do is-”

“INCOMING!” Nora screamed out, cackling gleefully as-

“Nora what are you-!?”

“RAMIEL WHAT THE FU-”

Ramiel spun around in mid air with a loud whoop, grasping the struggling, smoldering, half dead Giant Nevermore in her arms as Nora guided the three of them on target and Ramiel proceeded to Atomic Suplex one giant grimm into the other with an almighty crash.

The force of the impact sent dust clouds rocketing into the air, shaking the ruins and causing the narrow bridge to collapse and send both grimm screaming down into the abyss below…

Along with an entire barrage of grenades from Nora’s grenade launcher.

“Aaaand-” Ramiel paused as a massive pink explosion erupted from behind her, her almost psychotic grin highlighted by the electric arcs flashing inside the resulting mushroom cloud. “-we’re done. And I didn’t even burn down more of the forest!”

“Woo! Flawless victory!” Nora cheered, high fiving Ramiel with a resounding clap.

Utterly deadpan, Jaune turned to Ren. "We have our work cut out for us, don't we." 

"I wouldn't have guessed," the other boy sighed. "Let's just... get our relics and get out of here." 

<>

“Well, as much as I know some of you will dislike this, I feel it must be done,” Pyrrha sighed quietly as she looked out over the assembled higher ups around her. She would have called them generals or something if the White Fang in the area actually had any sort of military discipline beyond being a themed terrorist group but alas.

“From now on, no more violence. The White Fang instead will work on community outreach and peaceful protest- I know it didn’t work before, but in Vale we have a solid platform to work on. Yes, there’s still problems, but here Faunus have probably more equal rights than anywhere else short of Menagerie, and we can work with that. So, I’ll leave it up to you all to find how and where you can help the Faunus community best, but I’m going to lay down some simple rules: 

One- No killing. That one should be obvious enough, since killing either humans or Faunus is still  _ illegal _ .

Two- Don’t hurt anyone unless it’s in clear self defense, and don’t go beyond bruising if you can help it.

Three- Lose the grimm aesthetic. It’s cool and all, but we want to be respected, not feared.”

Pyrrha looked around the room, taking in the expressions of those around her. Some seemed a bit unwilling to let go of their previous methods, but no one had said anything against her so far. She nodded and clapped her hands twice.

“Ladies and gentlemen, you have your orders. Dismissed.”


	6. The Sixth, In Which Jaune is Slightly Traumatized and Ramiel Hates School

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The team leader of Team RNJR gets announced!
> 
> And it's... Ramiel!?
> 
> Oh no.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You thought it was Rex posting today, but it was me, JSYRIN!
> 
> \- Jsyrin

“Ramiel, Nora Valkyrie, Jaune Arc, and Lie Ren. For retrieving the golden Rook pieces you four shall become team Ranger, led by…. Ramiel.”

“WHAT!?” Jaune’s jaw dropped, his entire body shaking as his face paled. He staggered back as Ramiel preened, Ren gently dragging him off stage while the audience clapped politely.

“We’re dead. We’re all so,  _ so _ dead,” Jaune moaned, burying his face in his hands and sobbing quietly, not even wanting to look at the rest of his team.

“Well. At least she’ll…  _ hopefully _ tone it down while we’re on school grounds?” Ren shrugged, not entirely sure that Ramiel would do such a thing but also quietly hoping that their fearless leader would hopefully refrain from causing massive property damage.

“Is that hopeless naivete or a desperate hope?” Jaune asked tonelessly. “Because hopeless naivete is what you sound like. There is no actual hope left. We will be rendered ashes with the rest of this school, and spend the rest of our afterlives as Dust.”

“Oh come  _ on _ , I’m not  _ that _ bad,” Ramiel groaned as she walked up, rolling her eyes and grabbing Jaune by the back of his armor. “Just because I don’t care about knocking down trees doesn’t mean I’m gonna blow up a school. I learned  _ that _ lesson a long time ago, actually.”

“That sounds incredibly specific,” Ren observed. 

Jaune shuddered. “Oh god, you blew up your previous school and now you’re  _ here- _ ”

“Oh, we  _ HAVE _ to compare notes!” was Nora’s enthusiastic contribution.

“Not the  _ entire _ school, but I did punch a hole through… several… walls, at least until my uh… hm,” Ramiel paused and pursed her lips, rubbing her chin as she tried to think of an appropriate term for what Louise was to her without saying something incriminating. “... let’s say  _ head of house _ for now- uh, made me stop. Anyway don’t worry Jaune, I may be stupid and my collective genetic family might share a single brain cell, but I’m not so dumb that I’d blow up a school without very good reason. Like a giant monster attack or something, I dunno.”

“Why oh why did you have to bring up a specific example?” Jaune groaned. “Now it’s practically  _ guaranteed _ to happen at some point!”

Ren patted him on the back. 

“There there. At least the worst we’ll have to deal with is holes in the drywall instead of massive property damage,” Ren tried to comfort Jaune, shrugging and looking meaningfully at Nora. “Nora and I have had to deal with worse than that. Mostly me. Because of Nora. Word of advice: Never let Nora have coffee. Or… any kind of stimulant, actually.”

“Do not let either of our partners anywhere near caffeine,” Jaune groaned. “Check.”

“Hey! Caffeine doesn’t do anything for me!” Ramiel protested, crossing her arms and huffing as Nora clambered onto her shoulders with a loud cheer. “I think. I dunno, I’ve actually never had coffee before.”

“Caffeine makes my brain go whooooo~!” Nora giggled, grinning almost madly as she waved her arms for emphasis. “Really,  _ really _ whooooo~!”

“She means that the last time she had coffee she ended up running around smashing things for about three hours and then passed out in a ditch,” Ren explained calmly, sighing as he rubbed his forehead. “That was…  _ not _ a pleasant afternoon.”

"I reiterate," Jaune snarked. He rolled his eyes, finally clapping one arm around Nora's shoulder, the other around Ramiel’s. "No. Coffee." 

"You know," Ren observed from the sidelines as Ramiel squirmed in the other boy's grip and Nora tried to poke him through his various pockets, "I get the distinct feeling that you may end up with a 'player' reputation if you keep that up." 

“Gods I hope not,” Jaune shuddered, finally letting Ramiel and Nora go as soon as Ren spoke, immediately falling back and hiding behind Ren. “My sisters would  _ kill _ me if they heard any rumors like that, regardless of if they were true or not.”

“Ha, my sisters would just be jealous if they found out I made my own harem,” Ramiel snorted, flicking Jaune’s nose and rolling her eyes. “Then again, my sisters and I aren’t exactly normal for the rules around here so… whatever.”

“Must be nice, having a big family,” Ren murmured idly, almost unaware of what he’d said until the words slipped out of his mouth, making him clear his throat awkwardly as both he and Nora seemed to sober up slightly. “... Nora and I are… ah….”

“... Oh, jeez,” Jaune winced and rubbed the back of his head. “Sorry.”

“... It’s… well, it’s not  _ alright _ , but… we made our peace with it a long time ago.” Ren sighed, shaking his head.

“.... Riiight. Well uh… here’s our rooms!” Ramiel butt in, wincing a bit as well as she tried to change the subject, opening the door with a bit of forced bravado and strolling inside as if she owned the place. “Let’s uhhhhh…. I guess it’s bedtime?”

"Dibs on next to Renny!" Nora yelled, grabbing the boy in question and dragging him off to the pair of beds closest to the door. Ramiel rolled her eyes. 

"Good save," she murmured. 

“Coulda been better, but at least we can sleep off the awkwardness. G’night,” Jaune muttered, yawning quietly as he stripped off his armor and immediately fell into bed, snoring as soon as he hit the pillow.

Ramiel took a look around the room. Ren and Nora had already pushed their beds together and were curled into a ball around each other. If they weren't together, Ramiel would eat a hat. Jaune was snoring in his bed. 

Rolling her eyes with not at all fondness, Ramiel plonked herself into the bed and fell into oblivion. 

<>

Classes, to Ramiel, were an insufferable and endless torment. 

That sentiment began the first time she had to wake up at six in the goddamn fucking morning to get ready for her seven thirty remedial classes, and continued all the way through her normal classes, and into the evening where she couldn’t even go back to her dorm at the normal time because for some godforsaken reason she also had  _ evening _ remedial classes too!

At least she didn’t  _ actually  _ need to sleep, but still.

By ADAM, if she could get away with blowing up all her homework without getting kicked out of the school for wanton destruction and also shitty grades, she  _ would _ . But alas, the world was not so kind… well, it wasn’t if she wanted to continue pretending to be human but then Louise would get all smug about her not even making it past the first week of school.

Dammit.

At least Professor Port was amusing with his old war stories, even though most of his Grimm anatomy lessons were rendered useless to her in practical lessons considering that she could just. Y’know.

Blow up the Grimm with high intensity laser beams capable of punching through mountains with incredible ease.

Professor Port quickly waived her practical lessons after she’d tanked a blow from one of the captured Deathstalkers and physically beat it to death with its own stinger, which she’d ripped off after it completely failed to even so much as  _ dent _ her AT Field.

Tch, of course it wouldn’t, she could handle the wrath of a god (for a few moments) if she wanted to, a van sized scorpion was small beans in comparison. Like an ant trying to harm a tank.

“Is something on your  _ mind _ , miss Ramiel?” Professor Goodwitch’s terse voice cut through Ramiel’s haze of boredom, making her blink and realize that she’d spaced out for the last few minutes and completely missed Professor Goodwitch’s abbreviated lecture on the history of Vale.

Whoops.

"Yes," she deadpanned, "but professor Ozpin said I wasn't allowed to tell you." 

She figured that she was going to pay for that remark, but  _ ADAM  _ was she bored. 

“....” 

That sure was an interesting shade of red that Professor Goodwitch was turning.

And that sure was an interesting motion she was making with her riding cro-

“Gah!?” Ramiel shrieked as she was suddenly doused in a flood of frigid ice water, literal chunks of ice the size of her fist bonking off of her head and serving only to shock her back to attention rather than hurting her in any way. “W-what the fuck was that for!?”

“Professor Ozpin warned me about your attitude,” Professor Goodwitch sighed, returning to her former color as she pushed her glasses up. “As such, he’s authorized me to act on my own discretion in dealing with you as I see fit. Hence: For tonight’s homework I’m assigning you a three page essay summarizing the history of Vale. Handwritten. Due tomorrow.”

Ramiel considered the pros and cons of saying something else. Then she considered the assignment itself. “How do you define a page?” she asked curiously.

“The entire length of a single side of ruled paper,” Professor Goodwitch sighed, developing a curiously pulsating vein on her forehead as she pinched the bridge of her nose. “Now please get out. It’s late and I’m sure even you have better things to do than to annoy me all night. Such as that essay I just assigned.”

“I’m going, I’m going,” the Angel grumbled, grabbing her bag and trotting out of the room. “Geez. You flirt  _ one _ time or dozen, and suddenly the whole world’s out to get you.”

“Out!” Professor Goodwitch almost shouted, slamming the door behind Ramiel with a resounding thump.

“Yeesh, what crawled up her ass and died?” Ramiel snorted, chuckling to herself before shrugging and heading back to her team’s room. Hopefully she could actually work up the amount of fucks necessary to actually  _ do _ her homework tonight.

Hopefully.

<>

“Excuse me, miss, are you Pyrrha Nikos?”

Pyrrha looked up from where she was helping an elderly ram Faunus shopkeeper sweep the sidewalk outside of her store, pausing as she took in the Beacon badge on the man’s chest and the nervous, almost panicked expression on his face.

“I am, yes. Why do you ask?” Pyrrha tilted her head, blinking slowly as the man almost collapsed from relief.

“Oh thank the gods, I got it right this time,” the man almost gasped out, leaning on his knees as he let out a sigh. “I was um… supposed to pick you up from the airport… but I got the wrong person and… well, you’re um… still welcome at Beacon if you’d like. Even though it’s… a few days into the semester already.”

Pyrrha took in the man’s countenance, his panicked bearing, and the content of what he was saying, and smothered a laugh. “That is... kind of you,” she told him, “but I have unexpectedly found myself some new responsibilities.” She smiled kindly. “They’re like a big, slightly confused family at this point.”

Pyrrha put her hand on the man’s shoulder, seeing his expression fall. “It’s okay,” she cut him off as he had already opened his mouth to say something. “You can tell professor Ozpin that his offer is appreciated, but unnecessary. My home is with the White Fang now.”

She paused and blinked slowly as the man suddenly slumped to the ground, dead unconscious after registering her words.

“... Sorry?”


	7. The Seventh, In Which Ozpin Learns of Pyrrha And Ramiel Meets The Rest of Team CFVY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ozpin is caught up with the White Fang deal. Glynda is Done. Breakfast is Traumatizing. And Ramiel takes Coco up on her offer to chat, following which we learn of Team CFVY's... proclivities.
> 
> Oh no.

7)

“What do you  _ mean _ she’s with the White Fang now!?” Ozpin shouted, slamming his coffee cup down on the table and only squealing a little bit girlishly as the scalding hot liquid splashed out all over his hand and all over his nice clean desk and his nice paper documents that were mostly for show but some were actually important,  _ shit _ .

“T-that’s what s-she said,” the still-nameless intern stuttered before the headmaster’s wrath. “S-she basically c-confirmed s-she thought of them as f-family now, s-sir...”

“Great, just great,” Ozpin sighed, wiping his hand off with his handkerchief and tossing it to the side as he sat back down. “Well, I suppose there’s nothing to be done with that now. I certainly won’t force her to join Beacon- all the dorms are full this year anyway and a five person team is completely unbalanced. Tell Glynda to get a few people to subtly push Pyrrha towards our direction during the school year, I suppose. Dismissed.”

“You can tell me yourself, Ozpin,” the woman snarked from the window, “ _ Seeing as I’m still in the room. _ ”

“Oh, Glynda there you are,” Ozpin deadpanned dryly as the intern scrambled out of the room, folding his hands together in his lap as he considered his next words very carefully. “I thought you were still supervising miss Ramiel’s remedial history lessons.”

“... I have been here. The  _ entire time _ .”

“... Hm. Perhaps my situational awareness has been slipping lately,” Ozpin murmured, taking a sip from his mug and sighing as the warm coffee hit his tongue. Scalding the shit out of his hand had apparently left only the pleasantly warm coffee in the cup, which made the entire accident… not worth it in the slightest. Zero out of ten, would not want to do again. “Are you sure you didn’t walk in at some point while I was reprimanding our intern- er.. what was his name?”

“Sylvus Greenleaf,” Glynda grumbled, pushing her glasses up and glaring at Ozpin, who she knew full well from that tiny smirk on his face was  _ fucking with her again _ . “And no, I did not walk in at some point. I have been here. Since you arrived. Since it’s EIGHT THIRTY IN THE MORNING!”

“.... So it is. I believe it’s time for breakfast then, don’t you think?” Ozpin spoke dryly, taking another sip of his coffee and standing up, heedless of Glynda’s slowly rising blood pressure. “I believe that today the cafeteria staff has provided a large cookie buffet, and I’d like to at least take  _ one _ before miss Rose devours them all.”

“... Miss Rose is an irresponsible fifteen year old, not an industrial vacuum cleaner,” Glynda protested, striding behind Ozpin with an air of sheer annoyance trailing around her, her steps thudding loudly against the carpet compared to Ozpin’s almost lackadaisical stroll.

“You  _ have _ seen the footage of what she did to that plate of cookies I handed her, right?” Ozpin raised an eyebrow, making Glynda pause and-

_ Madness _

_ Chaos _

_ Infinite maws stretching beyond mortal ken _

_ A hunger for cookies that could only be slowed, never sated _

-she shuddered, making a disgusted face and almost looking a little green around the gills from the recollection. “Even though she managed to somehow shovel an entire twenty four pack of store bought chocolate chip cookies down her gullet in less than fifteen seconds, I still sincerely doubt that even she could eat  _ hundreds _ of cookies without some kind of horrible gastrointestinal rupture.”

“Considering that Miss Ramiel is almost literally invincible, Miss Adel is somehow strong enough to throw entire Megoliaths around by smacking them with her purse, and Miss Valkyrie is the Vale pancake eating champion six years in a row…”

“... I think I’m going to be sick,” Glynda deadpanned.

“If there’s any cookies left by the time we get there, I’m sure I will be too.”

<>

“I think this is the first time in my entire life I’ve been traumatized by someone eating,” Jaune muttered faintly as Ruby did things to a towering plate of cookies that he’d thought only giant grimm snakes could do. Or eldritch abominations.

“ADAM, even I’m kinda horrified… but I can’t look away…” Ramiel whimpered, trying and failing to cover her eyes if only to spare herself from the horrid sight, shivering and turning green as Ruby attempted to beat the world record for “most cookies shoved into a mouth at once”. Again. For the fifth time.

Ren, meanwhile, just sighed and picked at his breakfast, rolling his eyes as Nora did much the same thing to a heaping pile of pancakes, both Ruby and Nora making horrible, fleshy noises as they consumed their piles of carbs and sugar that no mortal mouth should have been able to make.

“You get… used to this kind of thing. Eventually,” he murmured, nibbling on a slice of bacon and turning a page in the novel he’d somehow managed to fit up his sleeve. “But yes, it is rather horrifying to witness, especially since there’s two of them.”

“Now she knows how the rest of us feel when watching her and Nora do things,” Jaune snarked, entirely unaffected by the display.

Ramiel responded entirely maturely by rolling her eyes and flipping the bird. “I’ll go see a fashionista about a pussy,” she snarked right back and wandered right over to Team CFVY’s side of the room.

“Hey! There’s the freshie I was talkin’ about!” Coco waved as Ramiel walked over, grinning widely as the rest of her team said a round of polite hellos and greetings. “Gotta say, your performance out there was… how do I put this…”

“Absolutely terrifying. I hope that we never ever have to fight,” the redhead spoke up, immediately grinning sharply and holding out his hand… about a foot to Ramiel’s left. “Name’s Fox. Fox Alistair. And yes, I’m blind.”

“He’s also fuckin’ with ya,” Coco snorted as Ramiel shook Fox’s hand, flicking a piece of cereal at him with a casual motion. 

“Well, what kinda fox would I be if I didn’t try to pull a little prank every now and then?” Fox asked, chuckling lightly as he caught the flying flake of processed wheat product and popped it in his mouth. “I’m just fooling with you, Ramiel- mind if I call you Rami?”

“... Sure, why not,” Ramiel nodded, actually slightly impressed by Fox’s reaction time and coordination despite his condition. She turned to address the rest of the team, both the really huge guy wearing armor plates over his school uniform and the absolutely adorable (and also really hot) rabbit Faunus low key sneaking Scroll pics of Coco’s ass.. “So… you all know my name and now I know half of yours, so… what’s your name cutie pie~?”

The brunette girl grinned and winked at Ramiel. “I don’t think an adorable girl like you should have cutie pie calling privileges, o beautiful sapphire~!” 

As Ramiel’s mouth fell open from the sheer audacity of the little rabbit, the brunette in question giggled and gently pushed it closed again. “Down girl~!” She extended her hand. “My name is Velvet Scarlatina. But you, little Rami, may call me Velvet!”

“Holy shit I’m in love,” the Angel murmured in awe. 

“Now now,” the huge guy rumbled from across the table. “You know the rules, Velv, no flirting while eating.” He nodded his head Ramielwards. “I am Yatsuhashi Daishi. Well met.”

One of the rabbit’s ears fell as she tilted her head. “Am I allowed to flirt  _ about _ eating, Yats?”

Yatsuhashi raised a single eyebrow. Velvet waggled both eyebrows. Yatsuhashi rolled his eyes.

“So...” Ramiel drawled, having gotten her wits back on her, “Howsabout that date you promised a few days ago, Choco-chan?”

“ _ Coco! _ ” Velvet gasped in outrage. “You promised this beautiful sapphire a date, and you didn’t invite  _ me!? _ ”

“Actually I was planning on making it more of a three way thing,” Coco rolled her eyes, patting Velvet’s hair and scritching her behind the ears just so and-

“.... Y’know, far be it from me to care about what’s appropriate or not but uh…” Ramiel blinked as Velvet let out a series of noises that could only really be described as slightly muffled moans, the faunus girl blushing bright red as Coco skillfully played with her rabbit ears. “Is she okay?”

“Really?” Fox groaned, motioning at the probably inappropriate display before him as he huddled around a bowl of fruit salad that Yatsuhashi had probably placed in front of him for this exact purpose. “Right in front of my fruit salad!?”

“She’ll be fine,” Yatsuhashi cut in, completely ruining Coco and Velvet’s fun as he spoke. “Velvet and Coco just like to pretend that Velvet’s ears are an erogenous zone. It’s really the v-”

“Whoa whoa, don’t explain the entire thing!” Coco cut Yatsuhashi off with a wadded up napkin flung at his face, blushing bright red alongside Velvet as they both looked around for the presence of any adult staff that might be listening. “Don’t wanna uh… have a repeat of last year do we?”

“You mean when you almost got arrested for public indecency?” Fox raised his eyebrow, leaning forward and grinning viciously as Coco buried her face in her hands. “Or do you mean when you almost got shanked for being ‘racist’ because you made Velvet wear a collar around her neck for a whole day?”

“.... Sometimes, I wish I weren’t on this team,” Yatsuhashi sighed, calmly massaging his temples and furrowing his brow. “Then I wouldn’t have to deal with the two highest libidos on campus all of the time.”

“... Wow. Kinky,” Ramiel finally muttered, also having a faint dusting of red on her cheeks as she finally processed just what Yatsuhashi had been explaining. “.... So uhhhh yeah, Coco, Velvet, you guys wanna go out sometime? See a movie? Get dinner? Make hot sweaty love in a hotel room for twelve hours straight?”

“Only twelve?” Velvet asked in a slightly disappointed voice.

“Well if it’s a weekend we could go for the whole forty eight and then some,” Ramiel shrugged casually, grinning as she leaned against the table and flexed her honestly rather scrawny looking arm. “You in?”

Velvet grasped the arm into a surprisingly strong handshake. "It's a  _ deal."  _

Yatsuhashi thunked his head against the table. "Oh gods there's three of them."

“There there, at least they’ll be in a hotel all weekend instead of making us sleep in the library again,” Fox patted Yatsuhashi’s shoulder gently, ignoring the tears streaming down his face in favor of shooting his team leader and second in command a thumbs up. “Go get it, girls!” 

The pair was treated to three identical grins. "Oh, we're  _ planning on it,"  _ came the chorus. 

Yatsuhashi just groaned. 

<>

Pyrrha whistled quietly as she sauntered through the soup kitchen, thanking the Faunus worker behind the counter as she picked up a bowl of soup and headed outside, handing the bowl to a waiting Faunus sitting at the impromptu dining area the White Fang had set up in what used to be an old shopping center before all but one of the buildings had been demolished and the entire lot flattened save for the apartment building that was now the soup kitchen’s main place of business.

She felt surprisingly happy these days, despite the fact that she’d all but disappeared off the face of the planet save for her credit card transactions and donations in the eyes of everyone save for her mother, who was actually quite proud that she was doing something to help others that didn’t involve throwing herself into combat against giant evil soulless monsters and the occasional criminal.

Sure, some might have argued that being a soup kitchen waitress was beneath her, but it wasn’t like she was going to allow the hundreds of Faunus under her command to continue raiding stores for supplies and she definitely wasn’t about to get behind the counter and  _ cook _ .

Oh no, she’d learned her lesson about cooking after the first three grease fires.

Better to leave it to the professionals anyway.

Business was good around the soup kitchen, too, and she’d only had to fend off a few racist drunkards within the last few days, which was much better than her lieutenants had expected.

Still… she could quite help but feel like she was missing out on something...


	8. The Eighth, In Which Blake Is An Useless Bisexual And A White Rose Blooms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Blake muses over her partners, and realizes she has a crush. Yang is Observant. Jaune walks in on Ruby and Weiss.
> 
> The White Fang recieves personal attention from the High Leader.
> 
> Oh no.

8)

Blake Belladonna had a problem. Specifically, her problem was what to  _ think. _

Yes, she had known attendance to Beacon meant teams. Yes, she had known it meant partners. And somehow, she had failed to follow that knowledge to its conclusion.

Partners, she realized, were  _ hot. _

Adam was hot too, but she’d just chalked it up to Adam being Adam. No, Adam was a quintessential  _ bad boy _ archetype. He had a cocky smirk, he had a big sword, he had a cool katana, and...

Blake sighed.

And he had become a  _ monster. _ He had become a monster, and she hadn’t seen it. It was why she’d left.

Now, however...

Now she had made acquaintance with a six foot tall pure amazon  _ beefcake _ named Yang Xiao Long. Tall, and blonde, and  _ hot _ in more than one sense of the word, and did she mention the muscles yet?

It was probably just a crush, she told herself. But man,  _ what a crush! _ Those  _ abs! _ Those  _ thighs! _ Those  _ biceps! _ Hell, those  _ boobs! _

For a moment, Blake thanked herself for already being bisexual, otherwise she’d have jumped straight off the lesbian slope and never looked back.

Speaking of looking back, though...

The White Fang.

Blake might have spat out her breakfast all over her scroll when the news spoke of the White Fang being taken over by a human athlete and relegated to running a  _ soup kitchen _ of all things.

Don’t get her wrong, she kind of approved as the Fang, at least in Vale, suddenly had a lot more positive public view, but...

She wondered if it would have happened if she’d stayed.

She wondered if they would take her back.

She wondered if she should have taken more things with her than her smut.

Simple wondering was useless, though. What if? What if? What ifs were the bane of every single bit of progress, Adam had once said.

Damnations, now she was thinking of Adam aga-

“Helloooooo, partner~! Why the long face?”

Blake looked up, up towards her partner’s massive rack, and promptly forgot her train of thought. “My face isn’t long,” she said. “It’s perfectly normal and round.”

Yang laughed. “My eyes are up here, Blake,” she teased.

Blake nodded, not lifting her gaze. “So they are,” she agreed. “So they are.”

“Okay but seriously though can you look at my face when we’re talking? Cuz you look like you’re thinking some heavy thoughts and I don’t just mean about my gigantic rack,” Yang halfway joked as she sat down across from Blake, sliding a chair over from the other side of the room and leaning forward. “You okay partner?”

“I’m- I’m fine,” Blake muttered, slowly dragging her eyes up to look at Yang’s face instead of her glorious rack, swallowing thickly as she twiddled her thumbs and tried to get her thoughts in order. “There’s just… been some weird news lately and-”

“About the White Fang?”

“Wh-” Blake snapped her attention to Yang fully, pupils dilating as she registered Yang’s words. “H-w-why would I be thinking about the White Fang?”   
  


“Well, one, cuz they’re all the news is talking about lately- not every day a known terrorist group reforms under the banner of an international  _ human _ celebrity in the name of Faunus rights, after all- and two… did you  _ really _ think I wouldn’t notice?” Yang rolled her eyes, chuckling a bit as she motioned to Blake’s bow. “Blake  _ Belladonna _ . You didn’t even change your last name or your appearance, and your bow  _ moves on its own _ .”

Blake just stared, heart sinking in her chest as Yang casually tore open her entire fantasy that she could hide out at Beacon.

“Look, I’m not gonna tell anyone that you’re basically a princess, but it is  _ staggeringly _ obvious that you’re hiding something in your bow…” Yang paused, coughing into her fist and making an awkward expression. “Well, unless your name is Ruby Rose. Or Weiss Schnee. I love my baby sister but she’s…  _ not _ very perceptive about this kinda thing. And also Weiss is kinda self absorbed, if you hadn’t noticed.”

“She is, but she’s… not as bad as I thought she’d be. More full of insecurities rather than an outright racist piece of shit like her dad,” Blake muttered, snickering under her breath before sobering up. “But… you got me. I was… yeah, I was thinking about the White Fang.”

“Well, that clears  _ that  _ up,” Yang nodded and gently reached out, clasping Blake’s shoulder in her hand and smiling at her. “You don’t have to tell me anything if you’re not ready for it, but I’m your partner, so I’m always open if you wanna vent. Or make out.”

Blake  _ blushed _ . “I- uh-”

“C’mon Blakey, you’ve been staring at my tits and ass… and kinda my entire body… since the moment we  _ met _ . Trust me, I’ve been with enough girls that I can tell you’re interested,” Yang grinned, flexing her muscles and preening under an imaginary spotlight. “But yeah, I’m always open for just about anything, partner. Probably hard to trust someone you’ve known for less than a week, I understand, but… yeah.”

“Yeah,” Blake nodded slowly, wiping her lip and flushing brightly as she tried to keep her attention on Yang’s face instead of literally every other part of her (easier than one might assume, since Yang’s face was just as gorgeous as the rest of her). “I- thanks… I… don’t think I wanna talk about it right now but… thanks anyway. It means a lot… partner.”

“No prob, Blakey,” Yang winked and made fingerguns at Blake, grinning widely as she stood up and stretched her shoulders, grunting in satisfaction at the pops and crackles of her joints while her uniform did absolutely nothing to hide the lines of her biceps straining against the cotton, nor did her stockings do anything to hide the flex of her thighs and-

Blake clapped herself in the face, forcing herself to stop ogling her partner before she flooded the room with her sheer  _ thirst _ .

“I’m… going to go to the library,” Blake decided, immediately gathering the last of her wits and  _ sprinting _ out the door, right as Weiss and Ruby finally came back.

“... Where’s  _ she _ going in such a hurry?” Weiss blinked, staring off after Blake with a raised eyebrow.

“Library, apparently,” Yang shrugged, continuing to grin in a self satisfied manner as she sat back down to finish her homework.

“...” Ruby just sighed and shook her head, gently tugging Weiss towards their side of the room. “I know that look, Yang. I don’t think I wanna hear any more of that.”

<>

“Hey uh… where’s Ramiel?” Jaune asked, slowly looking up from his book as an unending sense of dread flooded his very being.

Ren frowned from across the room, not that Jaune saw that. "I haven't seen her in several hours. Nora? What about you?" 

“She said something about hanging out with a few upperclassmen all weekend,” Nora spoke up from where she was (surprisingly calmly) reading a book on her bed, headphones pulled down around her neck just enough so she could respond. “Something about… either it was about coffee or it was about getting laid. Knowing her, something related to both.”

Jaune paused. "Right. She's friends with Team CFVY. And I've suddenly decided that I don't want to know." 

He put his book down. "Right. Right. I think I'll go make friends with Team RWBY, anyone want to come with?" 

“Oh, sure!” Nora cheered and hopped off of her bed, physically dragging Ren with her as she slammed open the door without waiting for Jaune. “Let’s make friends!”

“I suppose it’d be nice to do some networking,” Ren nodded, slowly prying Nora’s hand from his shoulder to keep it from being crushed while Nora ran ahead and knocked on Team RWBY’s door.

“Hello?” came the muffled response from behind the door, shortly before it opened to reveal none other than one Ruby Rose, half dressed in her pajamas and looking like she was ready for bed despite it being barely four in the afternoon. “Blake is that y- oh, uh… Jaune… right?”

Jaune nodded. “Yeah, I’m Jaune. Those are my teammates, Nora and Ren.” He shrugged awkwardly. “Wanna... make friends?”

The girl lit up like a flash bonfire. “ _Do_ _I_?!”

"Who is it?" a cultured voice inquired from within. Then Weiss Schnee ruined that impression utterly by poking a magnificent bedhead into view and raising an eyebrow. "Oh. It's Team RNJR. What is it?" 

"Were we... interrupting anything?" Ren asked, taking in the scene. "Because if so, apologies." 

Jaune considered that statement. He took in the implications. "Would it have killed you to put a sock on the doorknob?" he asked dryly. 

His question was met with a pair of confused stares. "What do you mean?" Ruby asked. 

Jaune realized what he'd been implying to... two? girls that seemed almost as socially clueless as him. He glanced at his teammates. Ren was quietly face-palming. Nora's grin was slowly widening. He made a decision. "You know what? Nora, you explain. Ren, with me- see you later, Team RWBY!" 

And with the caught-off-guard ninja in tow, Jaune made a tactical retreat. 

<>

“So you’re the human that’s casually usurped this entire branch of my organization,” a voice drawled as Pyrrha woke up, oozing with confidence and just barely hidden malice. “Hm. Pyrrha Nikos. Four time champion of the Mistral Regional Tournament, valedictorian of Sanctum Academy…. Pumpkin Pete’s mascot.”

“I’d just like to go on record and say that was my manager’s idea,” Pyrrha mumbled, blinking the sleep out of her eyes as she sat up and yawned, looking over at the dark skinned woman sitting in a chair next to her cot, taking in the tiger stripe tattoos and ornate clothing and tiger ears and- “I’m sorry, have we met?”

“My name is Sienna Khan, human,” the stranger stated as if that explained anything- which, from what she’d heard from her lieutenants in the last couple days, actually kind of did explain a lot.

Pyrrha blinked again, then rubbed her eyes and- yep, still there. 

“Oh, the High Leader!” she snapped her fingers in recognition, then looked down at her lack of uniform and cleared her throat awkwardly. “I’d like to apologize for my state of dress, but I didn’t know you would be here so soon!”

“You were expecting me, then,” Sienna deadpanned dryly, crossing her arms and raising an eyebrow at Pyrrha, already revising her opinion of the girl in front of her and fixing her with an appraising stare. 

“Well of course- I imagine it must have been quite a shock to hear the news, and my lieutenants did inform me of your existence, so I knew you would be coming by sooner or later,” Pyrrha nodded, slowly standing up and moving over to her dresser and slipping on her uniform- it still felt weird to be wearing a White Fang version of her normal bronze and gold armor, but it felt nice to be color coordinated with the group she was now the acting commander of. “I’d like to think I’ve been doing a better job than Adam was- half of the camp seemed to almost be outright mutinous when I took over, and it seemed like there were quite a lot of grievances held against Adam’s plans… which mostly consisted of highly destructive terrorist acts.”

“I’m aware of Adam’s… violent tendencies,” Sienna nodded, rolling her eyes and standing up, arms crossed as she approached Pyrrha and-

Well, Pyrrha wouldn’t say  _ loomed _ over her, seeing as Sienna’s face was affixed just barely above breast height even without her heels, but the High Leader certainly managed to be imposing despite the height difference.

“You’ve still yet to give me a reason as to why I shouldn’t just execute you and replace you with a more trustworthy  _ Faunus _ ,” Sienna growled low in her throat, an echoing rumble that sounded exactly like the tiger her traits resembled.

Pyrrha… was unimpressed.

“Well,” she shrugged, casually sliding on her boots and gaining even more height over Sienna before heading out of her tent and out into the camp proper. “If you wanted me dead, I certainly couldn’t have stopped you from assassinating me in my sleep. And the fact that you’re even asking me for a reason seems to me like you’ve already at least somewhat made up your mind.”

Pyrrha paused, smiling brightly and thanking the White Fang member (Sapphire, who’d recently won the pool to be her assistant this week) who brought her a tray of breakfast before turning back to Sienna. “I’d like to think that, even if I am a human, and even if I’ve never faced the hardships that your people have, and even though, technically, I shouldn’t be here in the first place… I can still do some good here, and help further the White Fang’s push for true equality. After all, I’m rich and famous and a top level Huntress in training, so why shouldn’t I use those skills and benefits to help the people who need it most?”

Sienna stared at Pyrrha, then stared out over the encampment- a modified warehouse full to bursting with happy faces and bustling activity, a soup kitchen serving the hopeless and downtrodden of all kinds- human and faunus alike.

She breathed slowly and shook her head, gritting her teeth as she made her decision.

“Very well. You’re certainly doing better for interspecies unity than Adam ever managed within two weeks of being acting commander,” she started, striding up to Pyrrha and clasping her hand over the other woman’s shoulder. “The only thing left, I suppose, is to make it official. By my decree as High Leader of the White Fang, I accept you into the fold. Welcome to the White Fang, Region Commander Pyrrha Nikos. Continue to serve your brothers and sisters well.”


	9. The Ninth, In Which Team RNJR does Team Bonding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ramiel gets laid, shares her family situation, and bonds with her team.
> 
> Also Pyrrha finds out about Cinder Fall.
> 
> Oh no.

Ramiel kicked open the door at precisely seven thirty in the morning on Monday, a cheerful grin on her face, lipstick marks all over her neck and shoulders, smeared makeup, and heavily disheveled clothes.

She smelled of alcohol, sex, and also more than a little weed.

“Sup  _ BITCHES _ , guess who just had a whole fuckload of coffee!?” she announced loudly, startling Jaune out of his morning routine of drooling and snoring into his pillow, and making Ren almost go into cardiac arrest from the last half of her statement.

“... You mean you got… au lait’d?” Nora grinned, snickering loudly at her own pun as Ren let out a sound that was a curious mix of disgusted groan and sigh of relief. Jaune just blinked the sleep out of his eyes, checked the time on his scroll, and groaned even louder as he slipped out of bed, stumbled over to Ramiel, and bodily pushed her out of the way so he could go answer the call of nature.

“Yup!” Ramiel nodded, not even phased by Jaune’s early morning rudeness as she flopped down onto her bed and let out a satisfied sigh. “Ahhhh, a new record~”

“... Did you have sex for the  _ entire weekend _ ?” Ren asked incredulously, staring at Ramiel with some kind of either shock or horror.

“Fifty. Six.  _ Hours _ .” Ramiel nodded, grinning widely and buffing her nails on her dress- a dress which she hadn’t had when she left the dorm on Friday night.

“..... Am I going to have to call an ambulance for Coco and Velvet,” Jaune asked dryly as he stepped out of the bathroom and began pulling on his uniform, sighing as he smelled Ramiel’s funk again. “Also, go take a shower. You  _ reek _ .”

"Try to do something about all the lipstick too," Nora suggested, lips twitching. "Professor Goodwitch may be likely to  _ murder  _ you, yknow." 

"It's not  _ her _ lipstick," Ramiel noted, dragging herself out of her bed and heading into the bathroom. "I don't see what's her problem with that." 

"It's a 'polite society' matter," Ren noted, putting his book down and assembling his bag. "You don't walk around like you've just walked out of a brothel - she's not even listening, is she." 

“Since when does she ever?” Jaune asked rhetorically, watching the door slam closed and sighing again before slumping back down on his bed. “Guh, why did I even put on my uniform anyway? There’s still an  _ hour _ before any of our alarms will go off!”

"Weee~elll," Nora piped up, "Since there's  _ time _ and all, why don't we just talk about each other? We were gonna do that on the weekend, but  _ SOMEONE,"  _ she yelled, "DECIDED TO GO ON A  _ SEX MARATHON _ INSTEAD!" 

"FUCK YOU!" came the eloquent retort from the bathroom. 

Nora grinned. Ren's eyes widened. "Nora, no, she'll take it s-" 

"FUCK ME YOURSELF, YOU COWARD!" the girl yelled back, smug as all hell. 

A pause, during which Jaune threw Ramiel’s pillow at Nora and groaned into his own. 

The bathroom door slammed open. Ramiel, completely naked and still steaming from the shower, marched out, grabbed Nora, threw her over her shoulder, and marched back in. 

The door clicked back into a lock. 

Ren stared at it. "I tried to warn her," he said morosely. 

"Aren't you two-?" Jaune asked, turning around and lying back down on his bed. 

"It's an open relationship," Ren replied. "Ish." 

"Ish?" 

"She has made it very clear that she intends to marry me one day," the ninja explained, "but she also understands that we're both teenagers and we're 'totally' welcome to 'experiment' with 'the other sex' if we so wished." 

Jaune glanced at the bathroom door. "That's... surprisingly mature of her." 

"Just because someone  _ acts _ immature doesn't mean that they're incapable of being mature at all," Ren chided. "Otherwise, do you really think we’d have gotten into Beacon all by ourselves?" 

"Wasn't aware that you needed  _ maturity  _ to get into Beacon," Jaune snarked. "Just look at our  _ illustrious _ leader." 

Ren hummed. "Good point. Nora and I had to grow up fast to survive between the villages. We both took to it differently, as you can probably tell." 

Jaune paused. "...I'm sorry," he offered lamely. 

Ren shook his head. "Don't be. You weren't at fault." 

Both boys suddenly turned their gazes at the bathroom door, which had been flung open. Ramiel and Nora both stood on the doorway, both clothed in their Beacon uniforms, seemingly not a hair out of place. 

"Do I want to know?" Jaune snarked. 

"I'm pretty sure I taught her not to make promises she can't keep," Ramiel shot back. 

"I cwnt feel muh tongw," Nora mumbled happily. 

Ren facepalmed. 

<>

“Well, now that we’re all actually together and Ramiel isn’t about to spend another forty eight hours straight on literally nothing but sex and possibly dubiously legal drugs, let’s  _ actually _ do some team bonding!” Jaune announced once Ramiel finally returned from her evening remedial lessons and flopped into bed like a boneless squid instead of the literally invincible tank that she normally liked to present herself as.

Jaune would have felt sorry for her, but she really, truly did need those classes.

At least she was a quick learner- after only a week straight she was already almost at a level that she didn’t even need the classes… if only just barely.

A straight D’s student was still technically passing by most college rules.

“Are we actually going to talk about ourselves or are we going to just watch movies together like we did over the weekend while Ramiel does her remedial homework?” Ren asked dryly, already queueing up a Spruce Willis movie just in case. 

“Fuck you,” Ramiel muttered, rolling out of bed and groaning as she joined her teammates in a loose circle in the middle of the room. “Shouldn’t I be making the decisions here since I’m the team leader?”

“Well, you  _ would _ normally, except you abandoned us for an entire weekend, barely managed to do your remedial work in time for class, and spent all day whining about having to use our meal times to do homework instead of burying your tongue up half of Team CFVY’s collective asses,” Jaune sniped dryly, rolling his eyes as he sat down on a pillow and played with his scroll, dimming the lights of the room slightly for atmosphere. “Anyway, I guess we can start team bonding by talking about our histories. Where we all came from and such.”

“Ugh, fine, I’ll go first,” Ramiel sighed, stepping up metaphorically when she finally noticed Jaune’s expectant look and Nora and Ren both looking rather uncomfortable on their side of the circle. 

Nora breathed a quiet sigh of relief, while Ren simply crossed his legs and leaned forward, one hand gently rubbing circles on Nora’s back.

“This might come as a surprise, but I’m from… a  _ really _ long ways away from here.” Ramiel started slowly, sarcasm lacing her voice as she tapped her fingernails together and pursed her lips. Jaune idly noted that her nails  _ clinked _ together as she did so, which seemed… odd… but filed it away for later investigation as he turned his attention back to Ramiel’s words.

“My family is… big, I guess. Extended kind of a long way too. And… most of us aren’t even related by blood, technically,” Ramiel started, continuing to tap her fingers together as she tried to condense her history as much as possible into a narrative fitting her current audience. “I guess the simplest way of saying it is I’ve got eight sisters in my branch of the family, one of which is kind of only half and another who has a…  _ complicated _ situation, fourteen cousins that we all treat like  _ more _ sisters in the second branch, a cousin that’s technically part of the second branch but kind of bridges into a  _ third _ branch, which has thirteen members and is the one that’s technically an  _ actual _ family situation, and then there’s the actual house we all technically belong to in branch four- basically it’s an absolute clusterfuck of tangled family relationships, some of which are technically incestuous if we follow legal definitions but aren’t due to lack of concrete blood relation and-”

She paused, then sighed and shook her head. “Basically my family is huge, tangled, chaotic, and we all agreed that one of our more direct cousins is to be exiled from classification because he’s a dick and it’s funny to mess with him. Fucking Tabris. But yeah, that’s why I always put that asterisk when I write down “de Valliere” as my family name.”

Jaune stared in sheer horror. “And poor little sheltered me thought that seven older sisters classified as ‘a large family’. What fool I was. What hubris I had.”

“Anyway yeah, that’s pretty much my family situation in a nutshell,” Ramiel grinned, then tapped her chin. “As for how I  _ got _ here… well… uh. My head of house, Louise, uh… made a bet with me that I couldn’t go ten days without causing mass, widespread destruction from sheer boredom while she’s on her honeymoon. And I accepted. And I got mistaken for someone else at the airport, almost punched Professor Goodwitch through a wall, and apparently impressed the headmaster enough that I get to stay here despite not having an education or any legal documents recognized by the Kingdom of Vale!”

“... Wait, you don’t have  _ any _ legal documents?” Ren spoke up, furrowing his brow as he looked over at Ramiel, his voice tinged with concern. “How? Even Nora and I had legal documents when we first joined a combat school and our village  _ burned to the ground _ several years prior!”

“Yeah! Well, I mean, Ren did.” Nora interrupted, coughing awkwardly and looking to the side as she winced slightly. “I was… ah… an orphan before that, so… but even then, I still had a birth certificate logged in the system.”

Ramiel paused, wondering how to get out of  _ that _ one. “...Reasons?” she offered. “I mean, my family is weird enough as it is, and I don’t think even bureaucrats deserve to be tangled up in this mess... Okay I’ll be frank I have no bloody clue.”

“Well, whatever the reason is, I’m pretty sure it’s not going to matter that much since a Beacon attendance record technically qualifies as partial citizenship anyway,” Jaune shrugged, raising his hand to draw everyone’s attention. “So uh, to keep us from spending all night trying to work out Ramiel’s family situation, I’ll go next.”

He paused and cleared his throat, then began speaking a bit awkwardly- public speaking had never been a subject he’d done well on in school, and trying to summarize his life story down into something that wouldn’t take too long to recount was also something he’d never been good at.

“So uhhh… I’m from Anima, actually. Just… starting off with that. Um, I really couldn’t point it out too well on a map since my family moved over to here to Vale a few years after I was born, but my family, the Arcs, has a really long history of Hunstmen and Huntresses, heroes of old and all that- my grandpa actually fought in the Great War, actually. And that’s where Crocea Mors came from- er, my sword and… uh… shield… sheath… shielth. Yeah.” he rubbed the back of his head awkwardly, blushing a bit as Nora snickered at his name for Crocea Mors’ sheath/shield combination. “Um, so uh, I went to Illume Academy and got my combat medic license there- er, I guess it’s technically just a field medic license along with a junior Huntsman certificate but combat medic license just sounds better, y’know? And uh- I’m the only person in my family since my grandpa to get Huntsman training. My sisters all moved out to do other things, and my parents own a really nice cafe down in Vale. But yeah, I won’t… say too much about how I came to Beacon, since it’s pretty obvious, but I did graduate top of my class at Illume…. okay that’s kinda a lie, I came second place but our scores were close enough that we tied for top of the class.”

"Did someone have a  _ crush _ on this mysterious person?" Ramiel poked, naturally focusing on the very last part of Jaune's rambles. "Methinks somebody had a crush." 

“Huh? Oh, nah. She and I were friends for a while but her family moved back to Mistral after graduation and we haven’t talked since,” Jaune shrugged, twiddling his thumbs as he shook his head. “There was some attraction, yeah, but we both agreed that it wouldn’t have worked out.”

“Riiiiiight,” Ramiel agreed. “So! What about this other pair we have here?” she directed her question towards Ren and Nora.

Ren sighed and ran his fingers through his hair, frowning a bit as he gathered his thoughts.

“What’s to tell?” he started, looking at the floor as Nora settled against his side. “Nora and I came from a small village called Kuroyuri. I had a family and… Nora was an orphan. When we were young, Grimm attacked our village, burnt it to the ground. Nora and I were the only survivors.”

“We spent the next couple years bouncing between towns, got into a combat school, and… now we’re here,” Nora finished, gritting her teeth and clutching Ren’s sleeve. “It wasn’t… it wasn’t a good time for either of us.”

“But we’re here now, and we’re alive, so I suppose we’re doing alright at the moment,” Ren shrugged, patting Nora’s back calmly.

“I feel like I need to hug something,” Ramiel declared. “Anyone else feel like hugging something?”

“I vote the something is Ren and Nora,” Jaune voted, already on his feet. “Resistance is futile. You shall be hugged.”

<>

“So….” Pyrrha blinked slowly as she took in the kneeling form of the woman before her, raising an eyebrow at Sienna, who kept her boot firmly planted on the woman’s back and the blades of her Cerberus Whip at the woman’s throat. 

“You really need to get better guards,” Sienna deadpanned, causing said woman to growl audibly, only to gulp as Sienna’s Semblance hissed against her Aura and the blade at her throat began drawing a thin line of blood. “Found her skulking around outside with a couple vials of Fire Dust. I would have executed her on the spot, but she’s… tough.”

“Oh, well… thank you, High Leader,” Pyrrha bowed, then tilted her head at the woman and- 

“Dammit!”

Casually blocked the metal boot aimed at her head with her shield, easily deflecting the bullet from said boot (who the hell made  _ gunboots _ ???) into the roof of her tent.

“You really should practice better stealth,” Pyrrha noted idly, flipping the silver haired teen in the air and hanging him upside down by his entire legs (Did he have metal legs?? Weird), far enough away from her that he wouldn’t be able to just knife her in the back. “You know, I actually expected some assassination attempts, but this is… strange. I thought there’d be some violent holdovers from Adam’s rule, but you three are humans…”

“Wh- three?” the hanging boy asked incredulously, prompting Pyrrha to snap her fingers and draw Miló, firing a single shot off into the corner.

“Gah!”

“Emerald! Come  _ on! _ ” the boy complained, raising his middle fingers at his green haired accomplice. “I thought you were supposed to be the sneaky one!”

“I was  _ being _ sneaky, you shithead!” ‘Emerald’ replied, growling as she raised her hands in surrender, partly from being caught, partly from the sudden amount of guns raised in her direction. “And the fuck do you mean  _ I’m _ the sneaky one,  _ Mercury _ !? You’re the trained assassin and you got caught even faster than I did!”

“To be fair, he does have metal legs,” Pyrrha cut in, continuing to keep Mercury suspended, even shaking him like a dog toy for emphasis. “You, on the other hand… well. Either way- the three of you tried to kill me… or very unsuccessfully beat me up and intimidate me. May I assume that you’re the ones who told the previous commander to start stockpiling Dust?”

Sienna grinned to herself as Pyrrha’s body language changed, going from her usual friendly demeanor into a terrifying specter of death as she began her interrogation.

  
Truly, a much better protege than Adam  _ ever _ was.


	10. The Tenth, in Which Ramiel is a Lightweight, Sun and Jaune are Bisexual, and Pyrrha is Terrifying

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Half of Team RWBY and half of Team RNJR go out for a day out on the town!
> 
> Say, who's this strange orange haired girl and why is she running off with Weiss and Ruby?
> 
> ... Wait. Where's Ramiel?
> 
> Oh no.

"At last, we get  _ out  _ of the house!" Ramiel declared, sauntering down the street without a care in the world. "Nothing better than fresh air, free of-" 

"We can go outside every day of the week," Jaune snarked from her trail. "You're just sore that Ren and Nora didn't invite us for a foursome, and now you're playing it up for the better half of Team RWBY." 

"Don't let Yang hear you say that," Ruby cautioned from next to Jaune. "She's gonna take  _ all  _ the offence." 

"Yang could do with better resistance to criticism," Weiss sniffed from all the way back of the group. "I'm starting to worry a bit about her." 

The four of them (Ramiel had wanted to call them Team RAWR as a joke, but had been shot down almost immediately) had taken a break from schoolwork, and headed to Vale to scout out the 'competition' for the upcoming Vytal Festival tournament. (Ramiel had to be persuaded to skip a weekend of CFVY, mostly with selective threats of Goodwitch to various persons.) 

All in all, though, this was shaping up to be an interesting weekend. 

Sometimes, Murphy can react even through the narrative. The collective pantheon known as 'the Interesting Times' turned their faceless heads Ramielwards. Anticipation hung in the air. 

The group turned around a corner…

“Salutations!” a strange girl grinned brightly from the floor as Ruby laid on top of her, the two girls having fallen over in a heap when the dark haired girl had tripped over a dip in the sidewalk and all but tackled the green eyed girl who’d just been minding her own business. 

"Sup," Ramiel waved from over there. "What'cher name, cheerful stranger?" 

“My name is Penny Polendina, stranger!” the girl responded without losing her smile, while Ruby just groaned on top of the other girl, rubbing her head before realizing where her other hand was placed and-

“Gah! I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to grab you there!” Ruby blushed, leaping off of Penny and burying her face in her hands to hide her massive atomic level blush. 

"One of my 'complicated' cousins once said something about her meeting her future husband that way," Ramiel observed from the sidelines, grinning. "Whatcha think, Ruby? Do you wanna pull your new friend into your harem?" 

“I- wh- I don’t have a-!” “A harem!?”

Ruby stared at Penny, who’d since managed to stand up and get all up in Ruby’s personal space without anyone noticing. Somehow. 

“What is a harem? Is it anything like a friend group? Does that make us friends?” she asked in rapid succession, continuing to grin widely to the point that she was visibly vibrating in excitement… and cracking the pavement as she did so.

Ramiel tilted her head as Ruby was stammering something silly about not having a harem. “Wee~eelllll,” she drawled, taking endless amusement from the situation, “A harem is a large group of, let’s say, friends with benefits at worst, and much more than friends at best. You do fun friendly activities together, could be warm and cuddly, could be sweaty and strenuous, but usually everyone loves each other. My head of house has one, and she’s never complained~”

“Ramiel, stop corrupting the youths,” Jaune cut in, smacking Ramiel upside the back of her head and turning to do damage control, only to realize that Penny had all but absconded with Ruby, followed closely by an irate Weiss, while the orange haired girl loudly proclaimed that she loved hugs and was very open to cuddles.

“... Whoops?” Ramiel shrugged, not even the slightest bit sorry that she’d inadvertently probably gotten her fellow R-named team leader a small, budding harem. “Ah, it’ll be good for ‘em. After all, my head of house started gathering her harem at fifteen too. Sorta.”

“Ramiel that’s  _ not _ better!” Jaune all but screamed, groaning and tugging at his hair before running off in the direction the other girls had gone.

“Hey wait for me!” Ramiel pouted, following after Jaune a few moments later… only to just sigh, shake her head, shrug her shoulders, and decide to go do something more fun than potentially see Ruby Rose, known socially awkward dork, get laid.

Liiiiike…

Hm. 

Ah, a bar! 

“Haven’t had alcohol in a while, I wonder if I’ve built up any kind of tolerance to it…” Ramiel mused idly as she strode into the very large and imposing black faced building, grinning at the sound of bass thudding in her bones.

<>

“Dammit, I lost them…” Jaune sighed, groaning weakly as he looked around to no avail. He slumped against the side of a random building, rubbing his forehead as he considered his options. He definitely couldn’t track Ruby and Weiss with his scroll since they weren’t on his team nor were they family members or registered in said scroll’s trackable database, nor was he experienced enough to figure out where they could have gone. So…

Dammit, and even Ramiel was gone! 

“Craaaaaap…” Jaune sighed, slumping down until he was curled up on the ground with his head tucked on his knees like a ball of self pity. “CraaaaaaaaAaAaAp.”

“... you okay dude?” another voice asked- rough and casual, like some of those surfers he’d once seen on a beach when his family had gone on vacation to Vacuo. “You uh… look kinda…”

“I’m fine, thanks,” Jaune answered without looking up, continuing to groan and grumble to himself without looking up. “I just got abandoned by my partner in the middle of the city and I lost my other friends barely a minute ago and finding all of them before sundown is going to be a pain in the ass.”

“You uh… need some help then?” the person asked, prompting Jaune to look up and see…. a blonde haired monkey faunus with his shirt completely unbuttoned and-

“.... Holy crap you could wash clothes on those abs,” Jaune muttered, eyes widening as he registered what he just said.

“You can also eat off of them if you wish~,” the faunus grinned. “Name’s Sun. Sun Wukong. And what’s yours, handsome?”

“Jaune,” Jaune said. Then he realized he should probably introduce himself further, and added, “Arc. Jaune Arc.”

“Well then,” Sun winked - Jaune caught a blush - “Jaune Arc Jaune Arc is kind of a mouthful. Mind if I call you Jaja?”

“Oh that’s just  _ terrible _ ,” Jaune groaned, palming his face but grinning despite the absolutely horrible attempt at humor that Sun had made. “Just call me Jaune. Please don’t call me Jaja.”

The Faunus clapped his hands together, grinning. “So, wanna go look for that partner of yours? And perhaps make a partner of me if you’re so inclined while we’re at it?”

“You’re  _ terrible, _ ” Jaune groaned. “...We’ll see.”

“Great! So, what’s your partner’s name and what does she look like?” Sun asked, still grinning flirtatiously as he began walking with Jaune, his arm wrapped around the other blonde’s shoulder.

“She’s…. short-ish,  _ really _ long blue hair, like down to her knees… blue eyes, sapphire colored. Blue nails that are ridiculously shiny and glittery- not like nail polish but like… actual gemstones.” Jaune rattled off a list of Ramiel’s defining physical attributes, then paused, looked around, and sighed. “She’s also got a penchant for mass destruction and kind of a willful disregard for the general rules of society at large.”

Sun rubbed his chin, making a noise in his throat as he thought over Ramiel’s appearance. “Hmm… well, I can’t say for sure that I’ve seen her, but I did see a blue haired chick about five minutes ago headed…. that… way…”

Sun trailed off as his eyes went wide, a sudden realization washing over him as he traced the line of his finger into the distance… directly at a massive plume of smoke rising a few blocks away.

“... Penchant for destruction you said?” Sun deadpanned, his smile dropping into a horrified frown.

“... Oh  _ goddammit!” _

<>

“In my defense… he was  _ really _ grabby!” Ramiel protested drunkenly as she stumbled out of what  _ used _ to be a very nice club with a pair of  _ beautiful _ twins she’d wanted to do all manner of lewd things to (and a girl even shorter than her who winked at her and stuck her tongue out like she was promising things her stamina couldn’t keep up with). She pointed off at the groaning man half buried beneath what used to be a bar countertop, his suit completely shredded into burnt scraps and his fedora… slightly singed but also worn on the short girl’s head instead of being incinerated in the alcohol fire now burning the club to the ground.

"RAMIEL WHATEVER YOUR MIDDLE NAME IS DE LA VALLIERE!" Jaune roared, rounding the corner at a dead run and using his best 'you fucked up now young lady' voice (that he'd learned from Sapphire Arc). "You disappear for  _ fifteen minutes  _ and there's  _ already  _ a bar on fire! Fifteen! FUCKING! Minutes! How!  _ Why!?"  _

“Oh hey Jauney~!” Ramiel grinned, stumbling over to Jaune and smacking him jovially on the shoulder. “Turns out! I still have shit alcohol tol… toler… tolranc… Fuck, can’t handle my drinky! Also!”

She spun around and pointed woozily at the still groaning man trapped under a bar counter that was now also on fire. Idly, she noted that the ice cream haired girl was attempting to wake him up by poking him with a convenient stick. 

“Him! He got  _ handsy _ ! So I told him no!” She leaned in, grinning maniacally as she stage whispered loud enough that even the people across the street could hear. “Turns out, I can’t con- control my strength when I’m drunk~!”

Jaune  _ stared  _ in a mixture of horror and grudging respect. "Okay kudos to you for sticking it to someone who can't respect a lady's boundaries," he allowed, "but why and more importantly  _ how  _ is the bar  _ ON FIRE!?"  _

“I uhhh…. I dunno! I didn’ even use mah lasers!” Ramiel giggled, waving her arms around and making sound effects to emphasize her point, even going so far as to make her fingertips glow… which only made her distracted by her own glowing hands. “Ooooo~ Sparkly~”

“Dammit, and now I have to haul your drunk ass back to Beacon,” Jaune groaned. “Sorry, Sun, looks like I gotta postpone the, uh, thing. I gotta babysit this moron.”

“Nah,” the monkey faunus disagreed, slipping one of Ramiel’s arms around his shoulders. “I’ll help you carry her. More the merrier and all that.”

“Heeeeeeyyy~ You two are cute together~!” Ramiel continued giggling even as Jaune and Sun hoisted her away back to the airship center. “What’s yer name, monkey stranger~?”

“Just call me Sun, crazy girl,” Sun chuckled, grinning even as Ramiel shuddered and threw up all over her shoes.

“Oh gross… how in the hell did you manage to drink and fuck all weekend with team CFVY when you do  _ this _ the moment you have a single drink?” Jaune groaned, sighing and shaking his head as he trudged along, shooting Sun a thankful look.

“Dunno! Too horny to be drunk I guess~!” Ramiel chirped cheerfully, completely oblivious to Jaune’s sudden eye roll.

"This is what I have to put up with," he snarked. "A perpetually horny disaster.  _ Truly  _ I lucked out on partners." 

"Hush, medic boy~," Ramiel slurred. "I need healin or something..." 

"You need hydration and sleep," Jaune snapped. "The latter so that you can actually sleep off your drunkenness, and the former so that you won't wake up with a hangover and take it out on the rest of us. And by rest of us I mean me." 

"You're a medic?" Sun asked, interested. "That's neat." 

"Trained as a field medic in Illume, graduated at the top of my class," Jaune preened. "I know my way around medkits... And somewhat unfortunately, around drunk louts who can't handle their drinks. There were four in my class alone." 

"Ouch," Sun winced. Then he brightened. "Hey, do you think I can have a visit from Nurse Jaune later~?" 

Jaune groaned. "Dammit, I know about the whole 'sexy nurse' thing, but that just... Ugh. It'd just ruin the mood, sorry." 

"That bad?" Sun asked. 

"I'm tha angel of des... dest... Fire and lightning, bitches!" Ramiel declared. 

"That's nice," Jaune snarked, before turning back to Sun. "And, well... I once tried to do that bit for a bet. I  _ still  _ get flashbacks to the chewing out of the head nurse on campus." He shuddered. "Never again." 

The Faunus cringed. "I'm so sorry I asked." 

"No," Jaune disagreed, "Your flirt was in the right place, just in the wrong topic. I'm perfectly willing to give you a  _ thorough  _ examination, for example~!" 

Sun's eyes widened. "I'll hold you to that," he promised solemnly. 

"You bet you will~," Jaune grinned. 

"Hooray for sex!" Ramiel yelled and threw up. 

<>

“Thank you, Neo,” Pyrrha nodded calmly at the multicolored girl, smiling as she took in the still insensate form of Roman Torchwick, who was currently attempting to recover from being crushed and almost set on fire by a flaming bar counter. Still.

After several hours.

If Pyrrha didn’t know he had an unlocked Aura, she probably would have taken him to a hospital. As it were, the only thing she did was wait calmly until the man finally recovered enough Aura to clear out the cotton stuffing his brain.

“Wha- where am I- oh.” Roman groaned even louder as he saw Pyrrha, rubbing his eyes and leaning back in his chair as though he’d rather be anywhere else but here. “Neo, why did you bring me to the goody two shoes charity girl instead of a hospital?”

“Well, Mister Torchwick, I specifically asked your… assistant… to bring you here. I’ve got some…  _ questions _ , you see, about my former predecessor’s- and  _ your _ former boss. Sadly, despite having her in my custody, she’s since escaped. Fortunately for my mood, I’ve still got  _ her _ assistants.” Pyrrha idly twirled her sword around, humming at its sharpness and tilting Roman’s head up to level with her eyes with the blade. “I’m not a mean woman, Roman, so I’ll let you go after this. In fact, I actually only have one question…”

Roman gulped as Pyrrha leaned forward, an unholy light growing in her eyes as she spoke.

_ “Who does Cinder Fall work for?” _


	11. The Eleventh, In Which Ruby Kicks Ass And Blake Is Outed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ruby Rose vs. Team CRDL equals curbstomp, Blake is found out in the most stupid manner possible, and Pyrrha is confirmed marshmallow.
> 
> Elsewhere, Jacques Schnee is hit with a sudden and ominous feeling of...
> 
> Oh No.

11)

“Go Ruby!” Jaune and Nora cheered loudly, waving their arms in excitement at the display of combat prowess the young girl displayed, twirling her scythe around in wide, sweeping arcs as she danced around the combined attacks of the entirety of team CRDL.

Despite their sheer numbers and size advantage, none of the boys could land a hit on Ruby, who almost laughed as she danced around their attacks and ruthlessly battered them with the nearly one hundred pound hunk of dust reinforced steel that she called a high caliber sniper scythe. Even while pulling her punches with a purposefully dulled scythe blade, she danced and dodged and struck true with almost laughable ease, even going so far as to collapse Crescent Rose back down in to its rifle form so she could bludgeon Russel and Dove whenever the two of them tried to pin her down.

Even when they came in two at a time, she used her speed to her advantage, combining inertia along with the recoil of her rifle to throw herself into a more advantageous position, upon which she began firing at them again- with specially made nonlethal rounds, true, but such was the sheer force and weight behind each shot that even Cardinal didn’t have the strength to deflect what was essentially a rubber tipped anti-tank bullet.

Jaune felt quite vindicated when one of Ruby’s shots tagged Cardin in the crotch and immediately dropped his Aura down to the single digit points.

The rest of the team fell in short order after that, bludgeoned and slashed into submission at the hands of a tiny, crimson tornado that also pelted them with extremely painful 25 mm rounds that were  _ supposedly _ nonlethal but considering the pockmarks in the floor, Jaune supposed that nonlethal in this case meant nonlethal to  _ Goliaths,  _ not squishy humans.

“... I want that gun,” Ramiel decided to herself, grinning madly as Ruby bowed and strode off, leaving team CRDL to pick themselves off the ground and limp back towards the locker room. Or in Cardin’s case, towards the nurse’s office.

“And that concludes today’s lesson,” Professor Goodwitch clapped her hands twice, raising the lights again and casting the room into sudden brightness when the blinds raised as well. “As we’ve seen with Miss Rose, speed and skill… and I suppose in this case, an anti tank rifle… prove to be quite useful when outnumbered and out-massed. For this reason, I suggest everyone spend some time either researching ways to fit additional movement enhancers into their weapons, or to simply increase your speed the normal way. While not essential, depending on your fighting style… it never hurts to be able to run away faster than the Grimm chasing you.”

“And it never hurts to carry a big gun either!” Ruby yelled out, to general levity.

“I should get on that, actually,” Jaune muttered quietly, pulling up an app on his phone and scrolling through it.

“...” Ren blinked slowly as he watched Jaune scroll through an Atlesian military surplus catalogue, opening his mouth for a moment before shaking his head. “Jaune, didn’t you say you couldn’t afford mechashift components?”

“... Yeah?”

“... Then how can you afford Atlesian military gear when the cost of buying even a  _ handgun _ outstrips the cost of just  _ making your own _ ?” Ren asked, motioning at the catalogue displaying all manner of weapons from simple infantry rifles all the way to  _ anti tank rifles _ .

“... I mean, I’m just looking. This catalogue is really nice for that, since it’s a Huntsman oriented one- since I’ve got a Beacon ID, it lets me pull up schematics and blueprints for weapons without buying them!” Jaune grinned, and began poring through weapon designs, eagerly taking notes and drawing diagrams in his notebook. “And since Beacon’s forges are free for weapon creation and maintenance…”

“I see.” Ren nodded, quite impressed by Jaune’s resourcefulness. “What app is that?”

“Here, I’ll send you the QR code,” Jaune answered, holding up his scroll for Ren to scan.

“Thanks.”

“No prob!”

<>

“Salutations!” Penny grinned widely as she clambered through the window into Team RWBY’s dorm, waving at Ruby and winking, which made both her and Weiss flush deep red in response. “Friend Ruby, Friend Weiss! It’s so good to see you again! I apologize for leaving so abruptly last time, but General Ironwood has allowed me to stay on Beacon Grounds for the duration of the Vytal Festival and its preparations!”

"Well isn't she adorable," was Yang's grinning contribution. "Where'd you find her, Ruby?" 

"Friend Ruby found me on the street," Penny answered promptly. "It was right after Friend Weiss swept me off my feet and right before Acquaintance Ramiel introduced me to the  _ wonderful  _ concept of- MMPH?" 

" _ Penny!"  _ Ruby hissed, hand covering Penny's mouth and face burning crimson. "Not in front of my  _ sister!"  _

“... Did you somehow pick up a girlfriend when you went to the city? A girlfriend from  _ Atlas _ ?” Yang asked, a sudden sinking feeling manifesting in her gut as she looked between Penny, who was still smiling even as Ruby muffled her words, and Ruby, who was about as red as her cloak now from the sheer intensity of her blush.

She also took in the sight of Weiss, who was fidgeting in place and blushing almost as red as Ruby was.

“...  _ No way _ ,” Yang breathed out slowly, eyes going wide as she connected the dots. “Rubes, did you start a  _ harem _ !?”

“And here I thought you were the one most likely to do that,” Blake deadpanned, rolling her eyes as she gently tugged on Yang’s arm and made her sit down so she could cuddle against Yang’s surprisingly warm and soft body.

Ruby's eyes flicked to Blake. "A-as if you're one to talk, Yang! You sneak out of the house to have sex with a different girl every week--wait." 

She paused, thinking something over. "...hey Blake, do you happen to have a criminal past by any chance?" 

“.... Uh, n-no? Why do you ask?” Blake shrank back against Yang, eyes going wide as her bow very,  _ very _ obviously flexed backwards like a pair of cat ears. 

“Because every time Yang sneaks out to go have sex with someone they’re either a sex worker or a literal criminal and I think I’m starting to sense a pattern,” Ruby answered innocently, slowly letting go of Penny’s mouth before Penny blinked twice, looked Blake up and down and-

“Blake Belladonna, daughter of Ghira Belladonna, the chieftain of Menagerie, and Kali Belladonna née Solana, former commander of the entirety of the Sanus White Fang. Criminal record includes petty theft, disturbing the peace, inciting several riots, public indecency, assault and battery, and destruction of private property,” Penny recited, eyes flashing while Blake’s eyes grew wider and wider with every charge listed. “It is worth noting that most of these charges occurred under the flag of the White Fang, with the exception of the theft of six thousand lien worth of Huntsman grade clothing, and the purchase of NC-18 rated pornographic material despite being underage.”

“.... How the fuck did you know all that?” Yang asked slowly, keeping a hold of Blake so she wouldn’t jump out of her arms and do something stupid, while Weiss just slowly worked her jaw, gathering her thoughts until she leveled an incredulous stare at Blake.

“You were in the White Fang!?”

“I mean, she’s been pretty cagey about her past and she’s a Faunus so I kinda assumed that was obvious,” Ruby pointed out, then paused at Weiss’ glare. “... You didn’t know…?”

“Wh- how did you know!?” Weiss spluttered, her face now glowing red for an entirely different reason as she looked between Ruby and the now unhealthily pale Blake.

“Her bow moves on its own, she never has trouble finding things in the dark, she’s absolutely addicted to fish, her last name is  _ Belladonna _ , and her Beacon ID has  _ Kuo Kuana _ listed for her home address!” Ruby listed off, groaning as Weiss just stood there, still uncomprehending, while Yang just coughed into her hand and muttered something about Ruby being more perceptive than she thought. 

Blake swatted Yang upside the head in response.

“... What’s Kuo Kuana…?” Weiss asked slowly, knowing damned well she was only digging herself into a deeper hole.

“... Kuo Kuana is the largest settlement on Menagerie, Friend Weiss,” Penny stated, staring at Weiss as if she couldn’t comprehend how she didn’t know that. “This is basic geography learned within most curriculums.”

“... It’s not like my tutors ever brought it up!” Weiss whined, huffing and pouting and stomping her foot against the floor as she tried to save some face. 

“....  _ Rich people _ ,” Blake huffed, curling up in Yang’s arms and grumbling as she forced herself to relax now that the tension had diffused. “Fine, yes, I’ve got a criminal record. But everyone I ever hurt was a dick and they deserved it for being racist shitheads.”

“I don’t think it’s always as clear cut as that,” Ruby cautioned. “Inciting a riot sounds like it can hurt a lot of people, even innocents.”

“.... It was Adam’s fault anyway,” Blake deflected, grumbling as she ducked her head and looked away. “I just wanted a peaceful protest, but Adam… well. He had a brick.”

“Oh sure,” Weiss snarked. “Your friend had a brick. Then the next thing you know you have a brick, and then you’re beating people up, and then you start killing, and then your favourite nanny leaves for the night and never arrives home to her own children because she got caught up in a Fang riot, and you try going to your daddy for comfort except he has precisely zero to give and long story short you grow the rest of the way up with an alcoholic mother and a father who only married into the family for the name, and takes his wrath out on his kids every time there’s another Fang attack.”

She took in everyone’s horrified stares. “I might be a bit bitter,” she noted.

“A little, yeah,” Yang nodded slowly, while Penny slowly blinked and pulled out her scroll, tapping at it for a few moments before putting it away.

“I’ve notified General Ironwood about your complaints, Friend Weiss,” she spoke quietly, immediately stepping over and wrapping Weiss in a tight hug, which was joined immediately after by Ruby. “I believe your father will soon receive a visit from Atlesian social services.”

“Hmph, he deserves that much at least,” Blake muttered bitterly, while Weiss simply stood there in shock at Penny’s actions. “Hope he gets tossed in the same mines that so many Faunus have died in. It’d only serve him right.”

"...You know what," Weiss sighed from within the hug, "I'll let it go this time. But  _ please  _ stop trying to blame me for  _ Jacques Gelé's  _ actions, okay?" 

Blake took a deep breath... and sighed. "Fine. Fine. I... Fine." 

"...Thank you," Weiss murmured. 

<>

“High Leader, do you think I’m being a bit… harsh… lately?” Pyrrha asked quietly as she called Sienna on her scroll. Behind her, Mercury and Emerald were hard at work staffing the soup kitchen, under heavy guard by a few Fang members with orders to shoot their kneecaps out if they tried to do anything funny. Or rather, in Mercury’s case, tase him in the legs real hard until he stopped bitching about helping people.

“I don’t see how putting a few prisoners on penance duty is supposed to be  _ harsh _ . Perhaps a bit stern, but… let me ask you something, Region Commander Pyrrha,” Sienna spoke calmly, leaning against the armrest of her throne as she pursed her lips. “How many people have you killed in the last several weeks that you’ve been in charge?”

“None! W- I wouldn’t dare do anything like that!” Pyrrha sputtered, shocked that Sienna would even ask her such a thing.

“That makes you the softest, marshmallowy-est region commander I’ve ever inducted into the White Fang,” Sienna deadpanned, rolling her eyes at Pyrrha’s concern. Honestly, too harsh.

Ha!

The girl had the entirety of the Vale White Fang doing  _ charity work _ across the Kingdom and she thought she was being too harsh!

Pyrrha flushed red as Sienna spoke her thoughts, looking awkwardly to the side as Sienna grinned- full of humor, but not mocking her.

“Just keep doing what you’re doing, Pyrrha. You’ll do just fine,” Sienna blew air from her nose, still chuckling as she hung up and left Pyrrha to stew in the embarrassment of basically getting a verbal headpat from the High Leader.

Oh well.

Being known for being nice wasn’t so bad. Certainly better than being known for mass murder, riots, and just generally being an asshole like Adam Taurus.

Pyrrha would have muttered a prayer for his now deceased soul, but she had no sympathy for a man so hated by his subordinates that they’d tossed his corpse into an incinerator without so much as a funeral.

…

Though come to think of it, hadn’t he still been breathing slightly when they’d thrown him in?

Pyrrha shrugged and went back to waiting tables. Whatever, served him right anyway.


	12. The Twelfth, In Which Ramiel Fights Everyone And Ruby Figures It Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Professor Goodwitch instigates an All vs. One sparring match featuring Ramiel, Ruby is perceptive (and optimistic), and Ramiel herself...
> 
> ....is facing an explanation.
> 
> Oh no.

12)

“As much as I would consider this unfair for literally  _ anyone else _ … Miss Ramiel has proven herself both astonishingly resilient and extremely poor at actual martial arts,” Professor Goodwitch idly twirled her riding crop in one hand as the modified classroom shifted slightly, the auditorium style seats retracting and shifting into a single row of bleachers surrounding a now much, much larger combat arena. In the center of the arena, Ramiel stood with her arms crossed, smirking even as she faced off against everyone else save for her own Team.

In one hand, she held a single Huntsman spec dagger. In the other, a simple pistol. Around her waist, she wore a belt full of extra magazines for her pistol.

“The purpose of this exercise for Miss Ramiel is control and martial arts practice. For the rest of you, it’s both teamwork and learning how not to die against a vastly more powerful opponent.” Professor Goodwitch continued, stepping out of the ring and taking her spot by the bleachers, calling down the ballistic glass that kept bystanders from getting hurt from what would no doubt be an absolutely ridiculous amount of weaponry. 

As Professor Goodwitch started the countdown for the match, she spoke up one last time, timing her words to match with the bell. 

“The only additional rule for this match is that Miss Ramiel is not to use her lasers above a stun setting. All other rules are standard sparring rules. Begin!”

The bell rang.

Forty eight students charged at once, roaring out battlecries as they all attacked Ramiel at roughly the same time.

“Get her!” Cardin screamed out, leading the charge amidst a hail of bullets that Ramiel blocked with surprising grace, laughing as she danced and dodged with unreal speed- the flashes of orange left in her wake signaling the use of her Aura to enhance her movements and propel her around.

Ramiel moved with frightful efficiency, her forms crude but effective as she charged in with sheer brute force, the random shots in her direction dying off as she put bodies between her and the combatants with ranged attacks.

And then the carnage started.

It started with a single blow to Cardin’s stomach, denting his breastplate and launching the poor man halfway across the room before rolling to a groaning, grumbling, utterly defeated heap at Professor Goodwitch’s feet. The carnage continued past this, as Ramiel swung about from the momentum of her punch and swept out with a picture perfect roundhouse, deflecting strikes from the other students around her and twirling in midair before aiming and firing several  _ nearly impossibly _ precise shots that bounced off of swords and staves and all manner of melee weapons only to ricochet about and knock other students off balance as the ricocheted projectiles knocked footsteps off course and made others flinch into each other’s paths.

As Ramiel spun about in midair, she twisted around, dodging a pair of axe strikes and using the momentum of her spin to plant her feet in a sword user’s back, knocking him to the ground and cratering the floor beneath him.

Another girl bore the brunt of Ramiel’s next strike- an especially vicious backhand paired with her knife held in reverse grip that slammed point first into the girl’s boob and knocked her straight into the bleachers with barely a single point of Aura left.

“Control, Miss Ramiel!” Professor Goodwitch called out, docking points off of Ramiel’s vicious takedowns as more bodies began flying out of the melee- though they at least retained double digits of Aura once she’d reminded the overzealous idiot of her current assignment.

Ramiel continued dancing through the melee brawl, content to use the bodies of her opponents to keep the projectiles out of the air, grinning ever more madly as she snapkicked Dove in the jaw and piled him neatly on top of Cardin from across the arena, grabbed Yang by the wrists and hammer tossed her into the ground so hard that Yang barely managed to stay in the yellow, even with her Semblance fully active to deflect some of the damage. Her return charge fared even worse- a single backhanded slap from Ramiel with barely more force than a solid punch instantly knocked her down into the red and Ramiel simply moved out of her way to continue her rampage.

Most of the rest of the students stood little chance as well, Ramiel making an utter mockery of their skill through sheer force to the point that she even started picking up fallen weapons and hitting the not yet defeated with them- Cardin’s mace, Blake’s katana, a bat, a sword, Jaune’s shield-

“Hey! Don’t just pick up my stuff cuz it fell over!” Jaune called out, only to receive a shield to the face as Ramiel flung the collapsed sheathe in his general direction. “Ow!”

“Docking more points for that, Miss Ramiel. Do try not to injure  _ your own teammates _ ,” Professor Goodwitch sighed, rubbing her forehead.

Ramiel’s only response was an awkward shrug before flinging the rest of the students around- bodily smashing them into each other as she wielded a pair of them like clubs, tossing them away once they dipped into the red and-

“Yes!” Ruby crowed as a Fire and Gravity Dust laced bullet  _ slammed _ into Ramiel’s torso with enough force to outright  _ kill _ an Alpha Megoliath in a single hit.

Smoke and flames roiled around Ramiel for several seconds, a hideous display of power that raised the temperature of the room several degrees in an instant and crushed the floor around Ramiel into powderized rubble before vanishing into a single point with a loud  _ pop _ of displaced air.

Ramiel’s Aura hadn’t even so much as  _ dipped _ .

“Wh- buh- HUH!?” Ruby shrieked as she watched Ramiel turn in her direction, paling from her usual color to an unhealthy, sickly white as she realized  _ she was the last one standing _ . “That- t-that’s  _ not _ fair!”

“Life isn’t fair, Rubes! Now kick her ass!” Yang shouted from the sidelines, trying to drum up some kind of encouragement for her poor sister.

Ramiel picked up a rock.

Ruby ran.

It didn’t help.

<>

“That proceeded approximately as well as I expected,” Professor Goodwitch spoke as soon as everyone was dressed and back in their seats, most of them nursing already healing bruises and glaring daggers at Ramiel, who hadn’t even so much as broken a sweat. “Since that counted as an in class assignment, I’m glad to see that most of you passed. Mister Winchester, next time try not to knock your own teammates into the yellow. Miss Rose…hm.”

Glynda paused, then revised her assessment. “I would say you should have joined the fray, but I doubt that literally anyone else could have survived a stray shot from your weapon. For that, I commend you for your restraint in not firing blindly into the crowd… unlike several others.”

There were a few nervous chuckles at Professor Goodwitch’s statement, and more than a few winces. 

She pushed up her glasses and resumed speaking, clearing her throat as she did so. “Nevertheless, your grades reflect your performance for this class. You can check them online, in the same place that all your assignments are. Miss Ramiel… While you did drop almost a quarter of the class into the single digits, I’m impressed. You didn’t break a single Aura this time.”

Professor Goodwitch almost smiled, then instantly replaced it with a severe frown as Ramiel began cheering loudly from her seat.

“That is all!” she raised her voice loud enough to be heard over Ramiel’s celebrations, “Class dismissed!”

As the class filed out, Team RNJR hung back slightly, murmuring amongst themselves as they headed to lunch.

Team RWBY, meanwhile, simply strode along in silence, nursing their various wounds and bruises as they limped out of the room.

Ruby rubbed the large goose egg that formed when Ramiel beaned her in the head with a rock.

Weiss silently sent swirls of frost to cover the scrapes and scratches covering her bare legs.

Blake held an ice pack to the massive bruise covering her entire gut.

Yang simply wrapped bandages around the massive bruises on her wrists and tried to pretend that her pride wasn’t seriously wounded from being knocked out of a fight by a halfhearted  _ bitchslap _ .

"I don't care  _ what  _ she says," Weiss said finally, "but I call bullshit. I  _ refuse  _ to believe that girl is human." 

"That sounds incredibly racist coming from you," Blake noted, wincing as she spoke. "But I feel like you're right, somehow..." 

Weiss scoffed. "Blake,  _ please.  _ Just because I'm 'a Schnee'..." 

"Guys, please," Yang groaned. "Just because she's strong and has more Aura than any of us combined-" 

"No, Weiss is on to something," Ruby argued. "She  _ shrugged off a round from Crescent Rose  _ like it was nothing! I built my baby to  _ one-shot  _ megoliaths! I  _ have  _ oneshot megoliaths!" 

"Don't remind me," Yang groaned. "Dad, Uncle Qrow and I nearly had a collective heart attack the first time you did that..." 

"...This is going to sound really  _ fucking _ stupid," Weiss mused, "but can you be a diamond Faunus?" 

"You're right, that's fucking stupid," Blake agreed. "And I have no clue.  _ Probably  _ not." 

"I'm gonna ask her," Ruby declared. 

The rest of her team collectively turned to stare at her incredulously. "...Ruby," Weiss began carefully, "I mean this in the best possible way, but are you out of your mind?" 

"What?" Ruby asked. "Sure, there's a chance she's an eldritch monster with more Aura than ego, but she's still our  _ friend,  _ isn't she? Just because I want to know what the heck is up with all that Aura doesn't mean I want to decry her as a  _ threat,  _ you know?" 

"And what if she does turn out to be a threat?" Yang checked. 

Ruby shrugged. "Then we've always been fucked anyway, so why worry? Besides, it's not like any one of us  _ isn't  _ capable of being a threat anyway. Weiss has all those bullshit glyphs, no offence Weiss. Yang can punch a truck in half without even needing to activate her Semblance. Blake has clones she can infuse with Dust. I have my Crescent Rose."

"And none of us were able to put even a  _ scratch  _ on her," Yang emphasised. 

"She's our friend," Ruby countered. "I'm going to talk to her." 

She dissolved into petals, racing towards Team RNJR. 

<>

"Oh hey Ruby," Ramiel waved. "Nice fight. I like your gun." 

"Thanks," the girl replied distractedly. "Hey, can I talk to you? In private I mean?" 

Ramiel looked at her team. Ren and Nora shrugged. Jaune rolled his eyes. "Please don't seduce her, you both already have your harems...." 

"Excuse you," Ramiel snarked back, "Coco and Velvet are strictly friends with benefits thank you very much. I'm still open for a harem you know..." 

Jaune snorted. "Oh go flirt away, O captain our captain. We can handle ourselves." 

Ramiel rolled her eyes. "Yeah, sure." She slipped her arm around the other girl's shoulders. "Lead the way, Ruby~" 

"I don't want to ask you about harems, Ramiel," the younger girl protested, but lead the Angel away from her team nonetheless. "I actually- Well, it might sound a bit stupid or stuff like that, but..." 

Ramiel rolled her eyes. "Please, I'm always down for stupid. What's up?" 

Ruby turned her surprisingly serious gaze towards the older girl. "Ramiel... Are you human?" 

“.... Uhhhhhhhhhhhh…” Ramiel paused, then looked around, then looked back at Ruby, then at the floor, then back at Ruby.

Back at the floor. At the ceiling. At the walls again. At Blake, who was hiding behind a nearby corner. At her shoes. Back at Blake. At her shoes again. Back to Ruby.

“.... Technically yes…?” Ramiel tried to sound sure of her answer, the tail end of her words rising in pitch as she made a so-so motion with one hand. “I mean, my genetic makeup is… ninety nine… point nine… nine... nine… ish… percent human?”

Ruby put a hand on her shoulder. "I'm not accusing you of anything, Ramiel, honest! I just want to know what is up with your ridiculous amount of Aura. And stamina. And all those other details. Are you a secret experiment? A human weapon? Something like that? Were you created in a lab? Is your DNA fused with an alien? Do you need a hug by the way? I give the best hugs, Yang confirmed it!"

“Uhhh, well, in order: No, no, no, no, and technically no. A hug would be nice though,” Ramiel answered, not really  _ panicking _ so much as she was just kind of confused overall at Ruby’s friendliness despite having figured out her lack of humanity. “.... Actually that last one kind of describes one of my sisters.”

Ruby smiled and tackled the older girl into a hug. “It’s alright! And I’m glad that you’re our friend who still likes hugs and not secretly a kaiju who seeks to destroy humanity for a vaguely explained reason like what sometimes happens in Mistralian comics!”

“.... Well I mean if you’re looking for kaiju my other siblings are more up to speed on  _ that _ aesthetic,” Ramiel snorted, patting Ruby’s head and rolling her eyes as the rest of team RWBY came strolling around the corner… along with the rest of Ramiel’s team. “.... Ah shit, you guys heard all that didn’t you.”

“Yup.” “Mhmm.” “How could we not?” “Obviously.” “Yeah.” “Duh.” “I actually wasn’t paying attention to most of it, what were we supposed to hear?”

Everyone turned to face Nora, facepalming in unison- or in Weiss’ case, simply rubbing her temples in sheer annoyance.

“What? I was thinking about pancakes!”

“You are not eating pancakes for lunch  _ again _ , Nora,” Ren sighed, shaking his head before turning back to Ramiel. “... So what was that about your siblings being kaiju?”

“Uhhhh…” Ramiel looked around for a few long moments again, then sighed as Ruby squeezed her waist reassuringly. “Shiiiiiiiiit… Louise isn’t gonna be happy about this…”

“Why would your head of house be mad at y-” Weiss started, before shutting her mouth as she nodded. “Right. Nevermind, ignore me.”

“So uhhhhh… fine, fuckit. I went  _ this _ long without being found out and that’s a fucking miracle at this point, might as well tell the truth about it,” Ramiel sighed, shaking her head again before speaking up. “.... I’ll tell you guys at lunch. I want food first.”

<>

“So, you’re in charge around here, huh?” a gruff, assholeish, definitely drunk sounding voice called out as Pyrrha exited town hall wearing not her usual armor, but a smartly tailored business suit instead. She’d just had a very productive meeting with the mayor about funneling funds into the lower class area of the city to help Faunus communities that were still struggling. She supposed that her fame and wealth had a hand in that, but she was happy all the same. So…

Who was this scruffy drunkard of a Huntsman and why was he approaching her?

She crossed her arms. “I am the Regional Leader of the Vale Branch of the White Fang, yes. And who might you be...” She looked him up and down. Was he an assassin? He didn’t look the part, but that was probably the point. “...sir?”

“Qrow Branwen. Oz sent me to get a look at you,” he responded, assessing her with sharp eyes despite his seeming state of inebriation. “Word on the street is you’re doin’ pretty good for yerself out there. Ain’t had any problems at all, even from Cinder.”

“.... How do you know that name?” Pyrrha asked, furrowing her brow as she looked at Qrow, narrowing her eyes and frowning as she leaned in and almost glared at him. “Talk. Now.”

“Whoa whoa, take it easy kid. She’s a mutual enemy of ours,” Qrow held his hands up between them, backing off a few steps and smirking. “She’s holed up in a safehouse on the west end of Vale, right near the docks. Used to be an ice cream place, but it’s empty now.”

Pyrrha pursed her lips and straightened up, walking down the stairs to where she’d parked her (loaned by another Fang member) motorcycle and began the awkward process of using her magnetism to slip her armor on under her suit. “If you’re lying to me, I can and will cut your tongue out.”

“I’m sure you can,” Qrow deadpanned, snorting and crossing his arms as he stepped back, idly handing Pyrrha a folded scroll before walking away entirely. “Call me if you need backup,  _ Invincible Girl _ .”

Pyrrha just sighed and shook her head, tucking the scroll away and revving her motorcycle as she drove off towards the docks, followed closely by a patrol of her closest Fang lieutenants.

She had bigger fish to fry.


	13. The Thirteenth, in Which Ramiel Spends the Entire Chapter Monologuing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ramiel decides to disclose the entire tangled web of her family situation.
> 
> All of it.
> 
> Oh no.

“Okay so. What I told my team and abridged for you all wasn’t a lie. My family is incredibly large, incredibly complex, and we’re all idiots with a penchant for higher order mathematics, mass destruction, and we all play off each other like a house on fire because apparently every time one of us does something stupid, half the rest of us join in because we think it’d be fun,” Ramiel started, tenting her fingers and slowly unraveling the secrets she’d held for the last few months as she looked out over the combined group of her team and team RWBY. “We’re also adding new members to it every now and then so if anyone wants to marry into the family we’re totally cool with that. Just so you know.”

She paused, then sighed and tugged down the collar of her shirt, popping a few buttons open to expose the core embedded in her sternum.  _ “This _ . Is why I’m so indestructible. This is my core, the physical embodiment of my soul and also a generator of theoretically infinite energy via multidimensional mathematics and quantum bullshit. I’m abridging it a little but considering that I doubt any of you have enough knowledge of sixteen dimensional space it’s about the best you’re getting.”

“...so what’s your  _ actual _ ‘weird relation’ to your head of house?” Jaune asked, letting the math bullshit just fly over his head. “Also, ‘head of house’ is a  _ really _ archaic concept. Just  _ how old _ is your family?”

“She’s…. well you know how in novels mages have familiars? That’s me. Louise is the de facto head of house for me because I’m her familiar and she’s my master.” Ramiel answered, then continued on as she flexed her AT Field to start drawing an absolute clusterfuck of a family tree in the air. “Louise is my master, she’s got a harem, and… I guess the real shocker here is that we’re all from a different dimension entirely. Several, if we wanna get really technical about it. Also all of us are technically humans but uh… not how you might define it? Our souls are kinda different than everyone on this planet so… yeah. Some of us are giant monsters, some of us are interdimensional shadow beings, some of us are idiotic quantum singularities synchronised across all timelines- seriously, fuck Tabris- and personally… I’m the world’s largest carat sapphire. With a laser cannon.”

"I kinda wanna see that," Nora offered. "I also wanna know how a giant sapphire has sex, because you're kinda  _ way too horny  _ not to have tried to figure that out..." 

"...Where does one  _ get  _ a generator of infinite energy?" Ruby and Weiss asked in unison, completely ignoring Nora, and then briefly stared at each other in surprise. 

"...Wait, magic is real?" Yang asked. 

“Well in order: I gained a human form because of a giant purple robot bitch with god powers, you have to join the family if you want a Core and no they can’t just be hooked up to machines- they’re soul receptacles, not batteries. Looootta fiddly math you need to keep on top of in order to make one even activate. And three, of course magic is real, we have a literal ancient wizard as our headmaster,” Ramiel answered, then paused and looked at the rest of her friends, who all seemed rather shocked. “.... Did you guys not know that Professor Ozpin is a wizard?”

" _ Obviously,"  _ Weiss snarked, "Otherwise we wouldn't be  _ shocked  _ over the fact now  _ would  _ we?" 

“Jeez you don’t have to get all snippy with me ice princess,” Ramiel rolled her eyes and shook her head, then continued on with describing her family. “So in order from oldest to youngest in the branch of the family where I’m from there’s… 

Raziel, who acts mostly like a little girl but is also a giant snake spider kaiju with laser eyes and a penchant for tunneling and standing on ceilings.

Sachiel, she turns into a giant humanoid monster that kinda looks like a big stretched out frog thing with a bird mask. She  _ also _ has laser eyes, as well as elbow mounted energy pile drivers and a super jump that covers  _ miles _ at a time.

Shamshel, kind of a prissy bitch. She turns into some kind of horrible mix between a giant centipede thing and one of Nora’s dildos. She has energy whips and…. not much else.

_ Moi _ , the fantabulous and oh so magnificent Ramiel. Again, I turn into a giant octahedral shapeshifting sapphire with a laser cannon. At max output I could probably put a hole through the continental plate-“

“You WHAT!?” Came the response, several people shouting at the same time as everyone’s faces turned pale white.

“Well it’d take a few minutes to build up that kind of charge but anyway-

Azariel, my first lil sister. She’s got laser eyes, homing darts, and hydro and cryokinesis. She turns into kind of the equivalent of a walking clock mixed with one of those novelty drinking birds you get at the 1 Lien store.

Sahaquiel, she’s a big space fan, loves it a lot…. though that’s probably cuz she lives there. Anyway she turns into this big feathery eyeball psychedelic peacock feather… thing. About the size of a mountain too. She ain’t got much in the way of powers but she’s got really good control of her soul when it comes to movement and positioning. Which really helps because her power is country annihilating suicide kinetic impactor.”

“.... Why am I not surprised that Ramiel’s entire family is made up of extremely destructive giant monsters?” Jaune muttered, dropping his head into his hands and sighing.

“Because she just told us that. It’s… still not comforting to hear.” Blake responded quietly.

“- and then there’s Bardiel, who’s such a complete loser I swear. She’s bonded to Asuka, who’s in a different branch of the family and she’s…. a sentient puddle of blue sludge. Doesn’t even have a proper soul shield because she took the wrong evolutionary path. She is great at biomanipulation though, so that’s… something. I guess.

And now we get to the second last and my favorite of my little sisters: Zeruel! She’s got most of the strengths of all the rest of us and very few of the weaknesses! Organic iron alloy rich armored skin, protective Core cover, laser eyes, monomolecular whip arms, super strong shield- pretty much everything good.

Oh yeah and then there’s Ireul who’s supposed to be in our branch of the family but she goes by Kyuu Ayanami and decided to be part of a different branch of the family with the rest of the Rei clones.”

“... clones…?” Yang murmured incredulously, furrowing her brow as Ramiel spoke. “... What do you mean  _ clones _ ?”

"Exactly that," Ramiel shrugged. "Bunch of supposedly mindless clones of this mad scientist bitch called Yui - there's  _ two  _ of her, too, which is its own bullshit - who decided they weren't so fucking mindless after all, and called a joint family branch despite being from two different timelines. At least one of them is a God with a capital G and I dated another one for a while. Different as the night and the day and equally horny. It's a big fucking mess all around.”

“.... You’ll have to forgive us, but this sounds a bit… fantastical. Even coming from you,” Ren spoke up, staring at the hovering image of Ramiel’s family tree as well as the images of her siblings in their true forms attached to their names. “Giant monsters, wizards, alternate dimensions- it feels a bit like…”

“A really janky comic book,” Nora finished Ren’s sentence for him, eyes starstruck with awe even as she finished Ren’s much more skeptical line of thought.

"I haven't even started on the Gods of the family yet," Ramiel chuckled slightly, taking a sip of water as she took a deep breath and continued on.

“For the true gods there’s Rei also known as Lilith and sometimes as Yuri- she’s basically the keeper of our souls and is the one who raises us from the dead when we die even across dimensional barriers. She’s… passive….ish? She doesn’t really do much half the time. 

Then there’s Shinji, also known to that weirdo Mari as Puppy-kun but to everyone else is just Shinji. He uhhh… eh. He got real pissed and busted through dimensional space on the advent of his godhood. He could do the job of Lilith but he’s a weenie and is mostly better at combat than anything else.

… and then there’s Gendo.

What an asshole. Shinji’s dad, husband to Yui, Yui, and the other Gendo- yeah, there’s two pairs of them it’s  _ awful _ . He’s basically as powerful as Shinji is but way more willing to kill. He’s also chained to a bed most of the time because Yui A. and Yui I. are both nymphomaniacs who get off to mass destruction. Same with the other Gendo.

Speaking of Yui, Yui Ikari also known as Yui I. and also “that big purple bitch” is almost a goddess but not quite. She’s close, though. Not quite close enough to punch into other dimensions like Shinji, but… close enough to house all the souls of humanity, if she wants.

… And then there’s Tabris. Man I fucking hate Tabris. God what an asshole. Smarmy dick supreme, doesn’t even have a big form, he’s just a white haired twink halfway fused with his ass to Shinji’s lap. His only claim to even partial godhood is just the fact that he’s a quantum singularity across all timeline instances of himself.”

Ramiel paused for breath, throwing up more pictures to the already bloated family tree and then groaning when she saw how many were left. “.... This could take a while.”

<>

After finishing afternoon classes and then gathering both her team and team RWBY to finish off the explanation, Ramiel finally wound to a halt after explaining pretty much everything about her backstory to the enthralled teenagers.

The entirety of which took well over two hours.

“Aaaaand that about wraps it up,” Ramiel dusted off her hands and rubbed her throat, grimacing at how dry it was after talking for just about two hours straight with frequent interruptions and tangents.

“...was  _ all _ of that backstory necessary?” Ren inquired, rubbing his forehead. “I feel like we could have done  _ without _ the dullness of alternate-planetary politics.”

“Or a backstory on your head of house’s ancestors,” Jaune added.

“Well to be fair, most of that was necessary to explain that I’m here on a bet that I am  _ absolutely determined _ to win,” Ramiel pointed out, completely forgetting the fact that she’d probably lost the bet the moment she started blowing up the Emerald Forest during Initiation. Several months ago.

“Wasn’t your bet to not cause destruction for ten days?” Jaune asked. “Because I can’t help but feel that  _ our Initiation _ rendered that well and truly lost...”

“No, that was an explanation I gave that pacified you at the time,” Ramiel shot back. “My  _ actual _ bet was to... pretend to be human for six months... oh god fucking damn it.”

“.... I’d feel sorry for you but I can’t help but feel that this conversation was inevitable. And that it’s somehow an  _ absolute miracle _ that you even lasted this long,” Weiss muttered, shaking her head as Ramiel began slamming her head into the wall out of sheer frustration. “And stop doing that! This isn’t even your dorm room!”

<>

Pyrrha moved silently as she entered the safehouse where Cinder was supposedly licking her wounds and trying to consolidate her plans, flanked by the stealthiest of her Fang members. Each of them carried several weapons, high caliber rifles and swords that she’d bought to replace their out of date and often makeshift armory.

Something wasn’t adding up, though.

Why would Cinder Fall, someone that her contacts had told her was a master manipulator and an extremely powerful combatant, be holed up in a burnt out ice cream shop? For that matter, where was she anyway? There were signs of use all around, but the only thing that really stood out was the ashes strewn about- had some great disaster befallen the shop and caused the previous owners to abandon it?

No… no that couldn’t be it.

Argyle, a wolf faunus said that the ashes smelled fresh, only a few days old- so… what happened here?

Why would Cinder deliberately torch her own hideout?

Was she trying to throw them off her lead?

Was their information wrong somehow?

Was-

Pyrrha froze as she rounded a corner, holding in her breath as she spotted the form of Cinder Fall… lounging on a couch in her pajamas… gorging herself on rocky road ice cream and watching daytime soap operas.

What.

Cinder turned in shock, just as Pyrrha realized she’d accidentally said that aloud.

Rage clouded the other woman’s face as fire began springing from her hands, instantly incinerating her carton of ice cream as she leapt to her feet and dropped into a combat stance.

“YOU!” Cinder snarled, glaring daggers at Pyrrha as flames flickered to life around her eyes and glass daggers began rising up into the air around her.

Pyrrha sighed and unsheathed her weapons, dropping into a low defensive crouch and smirking a bit just to throw Cinder off. “Me.”


	14. The Fourteenth, in Which the Vytal Festival Happens

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ramiel and Nora prove that they're way too OP to handle.
> 
> Jaune plans a team orgy.
> 
> Pyrrha... interrogates Qrow.
> 
> Oh no.

The Vytal festival had begun and all Ramiel could think was…

An hour recess between matches was  _ so _ not enough time for a quickie in the bathroom with Coco and Velvet.

To be fair, she’d given it a good go, but sadly was unable to do anything  _ really _ satisfactory by the time the announcement called team RNJR up to the arena.

“Alright guys, this is it.” Ramiel cracked her knuckles and rolled her neck, slowly stepping back to the rear of the group as their opponents readied their weapons. “Jaune, Nora, Ren, you all know what to do?”

“Beat the shit outta them,” Nora nodded with a vicious grin, hefting her hammer onto her shoulders with a casual air.

“Try not to get hit in the dick,” Ren sighed, readying his Stormflower pistols and sliding in a pair of Lightning Dust magazines.

“Taze Nora in the ass to charge her Semblance,” Jaune deadpanned, sighing as he pulled out a supercharged taser from his tool belt and held it at the ready.

“And if that’s not enough, I’ll beat the crap outta all of them myself!” Ramiel nodded cheerfully, clapping her hands together as the arena began shifting around them- a stormy mountain on their side, a lush forest on team BRNZ’s side.

“Aww, this is lame- how come team RWBY got the cool fire and ice arena and all we get is a fucking forest and a pile of rocks?” Ramiel groaned, shaking her head as the buzzer rang and-

Two shots rang out, crackles of electricity running over Nora’s form as she charged up her power and-

“Ooh, that has  _ got _ to be a blow to the pride!” Professor Oobleck announced, wincing as Nora’s first horizontal hammer swing caught half of team BRNZ in a single stroke and flung them out of the arena and into the forcefield protecting the stands, both boys slamming into the invisible wall so hard their Auras dropped into the single digits in an instant.

“Well it’s only to be expected!” Professor Port laughed, winking into the camera as he explained. “Nora Valkyrie’s Semblance lets her charge up her strength and speed to an immense degree with electricity, and there was certainly plenty of that coming from her teammates!”

Ramiel’s grin turned pointed and vicious as Nora fell back, jittering a bit from having taken in so much voltage at once while Jaune covered her and Ren with his shield as Ren used his Aura to soothe her pains.

“Alright, half of you are down in the first five seconds. Let’s see how you do against  _ me _ ,” Ramiel laughed cockily as she strode forward, her steps cratering the ground around her as she let her crystal mass spin its way into existence in the form of a massively oversized sapphire sword, one that glowed ominously from within as she pumped her energy into it and released-!

When the dust settled moments later, half the trees in the fake forest had been completely obliterated, while the remaining boy on team BRNZ- a guy who fought with what was apparently a cattle prod- and the single girl scrambled about and tried to find some kind of cover that wasn’t molten slag or on fire.

“... Whoops, lil bit too much power there,” Ramiel chuckled, letting the sword shrink down into a simple pair of clawed gauntlets around her hands, taking a runner’s stance as she aimed herself at the poor boy about to face her fury.

“-and team RNJR wins the match! Now, will someone please check on team BRNZ?” Professor Oobleck sighed into the microphone, wincing visibly as the footage played back the scene of Ramiel quite viciously punching Nolan in the crotch so hard that he went flying back and took both himself and May Zedong out of the arena on sheer momentum.

“Woohoo! We win!” Ramiel cheered, completely ignoring the halfhearted cheers and several boos she heard from the stadium for making the fight so short.

“Yep,” Jaune noted. “I vote you and Nora for the doubles.”

“Seconded!” Nora chirped.

“I abstain,” Ren decided. He took in incredulous looks. “...Thirded. Apologies. I tried to set up a joke.”

“You’re getting better at that,” Jaune complimented. “...still don’t get it though.”

“... We were voting. I thought it’d be funny to abstain as a joke,” Ren explained his joke awkwardly as the four of them left the ring. “... Nevermind. Let’s just… go get lunch.”

“Yay lunch!” Nora cheered, jumping excitedly and skipping ahead of the group. “I’m starved!”

“I’m surprised that you’re hungry at all considering we were only fighting for like five seconds,” Jaune murmured, before looking back at Ramiel, who had… vanished.

“.... Ren, where’s Ramiel?”

Ren sighed and idly pointed off to the side doors of the arena, giving Jaune a  _ look _ .

Jaune nodded and winced a bit. “Ah. Yeah. Let’s not think about that any further.” 

“That way lies madness,” Nora concurred, her face drawn into a serious frown for a moment before cracking up entirely. “Pfffft- hehe.”

“Should we be concerned that Ramiel keeps ditching us to go have sex with Coco and Velvet?” Ren murmured quietly as they strode through the halls of the arena until they reached the fairgrounds proper, where they were immediately beset upon by the smells of carnival food and the screams of children running around like they had nothing better to do.

“It’s better than her blowing up everything in sight because she’s bored,” Jaune deadpanned, rubbing his forehead and shaking his head again. “Whatever, she knows where to find us.”

<>

“Sho,” Nora munched through her pancake, “Ish it jusht me or ish our leader almosht...”

“Hiding from us?” Jaune offered, making sure to actually swallow his bite of sandwich before replying. “Sure is.” He took another bite and chewed thoughtfully. “I think... I think she’s scared.”

“I think you’re right,” Ren said. “She doesn’t show it, of course, but even she can be scared. I think.”

“The heck could  _ she _ be scared of?” Nora demanded incredulously. “She’s, like, a  _ literal _ fortress! What could she possibly-”

“Rejection,” Jaune answered. “It sounds kinda fantastical, I know, but think about it. She just told a lot of people her biggest secret a few weeks ago, and  _ that _ sounded pretty fantastical too, didn’t it? So she’s falling back on the only source of affirmation she knows, and it’s sex.”

“Sex  _ is _ a pretty big source of affirmation,” Nora confirmed sagely.

“And since  _ we _ have what she clearly sees as ‘weird taboos’ over sex,” Jaune plowed on, “she’s just off having sex with half of Team CFVY.”

“...Are you suggesting we have a team orgy to bond with her?” Ren deadpanned, raising an eyebrow. “Because it sounds to me that’s exactly what you’re suggesting.”

Jaune frowned. “...Not really. Consent is still an important thing, isn’t it? As is feeling ‘ready’ and ‘not ready’ for this kind of thing. Peer pressure to have sex with our team leader is all sorts of iffy, no matter the reasons.”

“That wasn’t a no,” Nora pointed out.

“But it wasn’t a yes either,” Jaune shot back. “I’m just... spitballing here.”

“...Are you actually down for that or...?” Ren asked, narrowing his eyes.

Jaune shrugged. “It’s not like my bisexuality (on account on those several times I politely fucked Sun and all) is a secret or anything,” he noted. “Honestly I’m just concerned on the behalf of you two.”

“... Well. I wouldn’t say that it should be our  _ first _ plan,” Ren held his chin, thinking over the ideas and mulling over them in his mind. “I’d like to think that we don’t need a team orgy to make our own team leader feel safe with us, but I suppose…”

“I’d be down for that,” Nora shrugged, swallowing a mouthful of pancakes and immediately ordering another stack, waving her fork around as she spoke. “Ramiel’s pretty cute when she’s not all murder doom laser mode, so it’s not like I have any objections on that front. Obviously we should try and make her feel welcome regardless of whether or not we’re having sex with her but we can put it under plan B.”

“Great, yeah, cool… cool cool cool,” Jaune nodded, chewing his lip and rubbing his chin as he considered his next words. “So obviously, we need to make sure she feels appreciated first. It’s not like she isn’t a good friend whenever she’s around… I mean other than when she ditches us to get laid but that’s pretty understandable overall.”

“Do hugs work?” Nora asked. “Hugs always make  _ me _ feel appreciated!”

“Hm,” Ren disagreed. “As much as the two of you are alike, sudden hugs may just start to push her further away instead.”

“Team orgy is plan B...” Jaune muttered. “...I think I’m overthinking this. Let’s just drag her to a Grimm hunt, and bring our biggest weapons. Make it a team exercise to blow off steam.”

“That works!” Nora chirped.

“Why not,” Ren agreed. “Just... let’s make sure  _ not _ to devastate the entire forest again.”

<>

Pyrrha groaned as she limped back into the White Fang encampment, shaking and coughing with every step. Everything  _ hurt _ in a way that was both relieving and awful, the first time she’d ever gone all out in a fight with her life on the line, and yet the injuries she’d taken had nearly crippled her before her Aura had snapped her limbs back into place.

Even now, hours later and with medical care, she was still covered in burns, covered in lacerations, full of embedded grains of glass in her skin, and half naked after her armor had been nearly entirely burnt off.

But she was alive. And she was victorious.

“Lieutenant Banesaw,” she coughed as she dragged Cinder’s beaten, bloodied, and barely breathing carcass behind her, the villainous woman completely defeated and draped over a hastily requisitioned children’s wagon that Pyrrha had in the grasp of her magnetism. “Get miss Fall here to a medical tent. Make sure she’s stable, then dump her on the cops.”

The man nodded and bowed. “At once, miss Pyrrha.”

“Holy shit you actually went in there and did it,” a voice said. Seconds later, Qrow Branwen found himself facing the business ends of over a hundred little knives, hovering right before him. “...I come in peace?”

“After that battle you sent me to?” Pyrrha questioned icily. “You have a funny idea of peace, Branwen. Then again, you  _ are _ a Branwen, so perhaps I shouldn’t hold it too much against you...”

“Funny,” the Huntsman groused. “I expected you to take  _ backup _ or something.”

  
“Or something,” Pyrrha agreed. “Let’s just cut straight to the chase, shall we?” She gave him a piercing glare. “ _ What does Ozpin want from me? _ ”


	15. The Fifteenth, In Which Team Strategies Are Discussed.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Team RWBY discusses doubles strategy. Blake and Weiss are horny. Ciel has a crush on Penny.
> 
> Pyrrha somehow took something very important from Cinder.
> 
> Oh no.

“So… who are we sending to doubles?” Ruby asked as team RWBY enjoyed a hearty lunch of more pasta than any human should be able to eat in one sitting, chewing on her noodles as she ran over the events of the last battle in her head.

“Obviously you and Yang,” Weiss snorted, rolling her eyes as she picked up a fork instead of using chopsticks, making Blake roll her eyes and subtly mutter something about rich people that Weiss graciously chose to ignore. “We barely fought for a full five minutes and of the eliminations, most of the effort was from you somehow managing to snipe Arslan from six hundred meters in the air and Yang punching Bolin so hard she took out his aura shield  _ and _ Nadir’s.”

“Yeah but… I just feel like me and Yang don’t complement each other too well?” Ruby shrugged, then looked over at Yang, who scoffed.

“Rubes, we’ve been training together our whole lives and you still think we don’t work well together?” Yang snorted, flicking a piece of shrimp at Ruby, who deflected it with her spoon. “Besides, it doesn’t technically matter which of us goes up, all of us are  _ super _ strong on our own, all that matters is that we make it look good right?”

“Well, yeah, but if we get matched with anyone that can’t move faster than a Queen Lancer it’s just gonna be thirty seconds of you throwing me really high up and dodging while I snipe our opponents with anti-everything rounds.”

“... Speaking of, Ruby, could you…” Weiss started, trying to figure out a tactful way to say things.

“Could you maybe use less lethal bullets,” Blake deadpanned, finally pulling her face out of her bowl of literally just raw tuna to look Ruby right in the eyes. “Because when you took out Arslan the  _ shockwave _ shaved off ten percent of my Aura and dropped me into the yellow. From three feet away.”

“... Is that a lot?” Ruby asked slowly, not really seeing the point of lowering her potential damage output. Especially when she was still trying to perfect her anti-kaiju ammo.

“ _ The shockwave from a single shot did as much damage as one of Yang’s jabs _ ,” Blake hissed, pupils dilating into slits as she almost glared at Ruby. “It’s a miracle that Arslan didn’t completely have her Aura  _ shattered _ by that one shot.”

“.... Okay yeah I’ll use the beanbags…” Ruby blushed, having the decency to look away and at least pretend to be embarrassed. “... Well, at least unless we have to deal with Ramiel.”

“... I think at that point the smart decision is to pray that she doesn’t punch us super hard in the boobs,” Yang deadpanned.

“Easy for you to say, _ Yang _ !” Ruby huffed, glaring pointedly at Yang’s proudly thrust out chest.

" _ Honestly,  _ Yang," Weiss snarked. "This is blatant small chest erasure and I will not stand for it." She idly high-fived Ruby, to the general merriment of Blake and the playful affront of Yang. 

"Excuse you," Yang began imperiously, before shaking her head and breaking out into giggles, "Getting punched into the boob- hahaha- getting- snrk- omigodicant-" She gave up and just buried her giggles in her arms. 

Weiss and Ruby exchanged Looks. Blake noted those Looks and put Yang between her and them. "Sorry, Partner," she snarked, chuckling lightly and feeling a bit light herself, "You're the one who put your foot in it, not me." 

Ruby just rolled her eyes and snickered, shaking her head idly before returning to her bowl of noodles. “Anyway, I guess me n’ Yang can go to doubles. Are you two sure you don’t want any part of this? It’s not like you and Yang have bad synergy, Blake, and me n’ Weiss make a perfect mid to long ranged pair.”

Blake remained suspiciously silent. Weiss rolled her eyes. "If Yang wasn't as  _ stupidly  _ strong then of course I'd pair with you, Ruby. In the same vein, I'd also partner with Yang if  _ your  _ Crescent Rose wasn't as stupidly strong either. As it stands, however, you two are our strongest option." 

"You didn't mention Blake," Ruby pointed out. 

"Your sister took her shirt off again," Weiss deadpanned. "Blake is busy thirsting, which is its own answer." 

“... Oh yeah, I forgot that Blake is completely useless when Yang shows off her muscles,” Ruby sighed, rubbing her forehead and reaching over to thwack Blake upside the head. “Blake, stop drooling over my sister in public, you can make out in the shower later or something. Yang, put your shirt back on before you turn Blake into a waterfall.”

Blake merely blushed, barely managing to pull her gaze away from Yang’s sculpted abs long enough to shove her face back into her bowl of fish, while Yang just laughed and ignored Ruby in favor of airing out her jacket.

Weiss rolled her eyes. "I swear," she groused, "being gay at your partner  _ doesn't  _ mean that you have to turn into a drooling mess every time she wears a crop top! I can manage just fine, thank you very much." 

" _ Your  _ partner doesn't have abs you can wash laundry on," Blake groused back, head still in her tuna. " _ You  _ try having concentration around  _ that."  _

Weiss facepalmed. "Blake, please pull that foot back out of your mouth and think about exactly whose little sister you implied what about, would you?" 

“No no, I can’t fault her for being a useless lesbian around my sister,” Ruby shook her head, still snickering at Blake’s embarrassment. “Trust me, I’ve seen  _ way _ too much of this kind of thing to really be fazed by it.”

“Eugh, this is what I get for deciding to come to arguably the most prestigious Huntsman school outside of the Atlesian military academy. A bunch of horny lesbians constantly flirting ad nauseam,” Weiss sighed, dropping her face into her hands and groaning.

“Aren’t  _ you _ one of those horny lesbians?” Yang raised an eyebrow, deliberately looking between Weiss and Ruby.

“Well  _ yes _ but at least I don’t turn my girlfriend into an incoherent mess in public,” Weiss countered, then immediately flushed bright red as Ruby took off the outer layer of her outfit, leaving her arms bare. 

“Yeah, you’re the one turning into the mess,” Yang snickered alongside Ruby, fistbumping her sister for good measure.

“I hate you both. I hate you both  _ so much _ ,” Weiss sighed, rubbing her face and trying not to turn into a stuttering mess at the sight of Ruby’s  _ surprisingly _ well defined muscles.

Gods curse her weakness for toned thighs and slim, runner’s builds.

“Salutations!”

“Oh thank the gods, a distraction,” Weiss muttered before immediately regretting everything as Penny grabbed both her and Ruby and squeezed them into a crushingly tight hug, along with kissing them both square on the lips… in front of the other girl she’d brought along with her.

“Hey Penny!” Ruby winced as Penny finally let go after several seconds, blushing brightly from the kiss before focusing and turning to face the new girl. “Who’s this?”

“This is Ciel Soleil!” Penny smiled brightly, introducing the dark skinned, rather official looking girl who simply bowed lightly at the waist in lieu of repeating her introduction.

“I am… what you might call Penny’s handler,” Ciel spoke calmly, very much  _ not _ blushing at the sight of Penny so brazenly kissing both Weiss and Ruby. “General Ironwood placed us together for the doubles round of the tournament.”

“Huh, okay then,” Ruby nodded and shrugged, patting the seats next to her. “Come and sit down then, we’ve still got a long while before the rest of the matches are done.”

"Hey there, Team RWBY," said a voice. "Who's the new cutie?" 

"She's Penny's, back off Ramiel," Weiss snapped. "Aren't you supposed to be 'having CFVY' or something like that?" 

"Nah," the Angel quipped, climbing into a seat right behind Weiss and grinning. "Coco and Yatsuhashi are preparing for the doubles, so I left them alone for that. Seriously, who's the new cutie?" 

"This is Ciel," Penny introduced cheerfully. "She's my partner for the doubles round! Who is  _ your  _ team sending for the doubles round?" 

"Me 'n Jaune," Ramiel grumbled morosely. "My team collectively decided that if I partnered with Nora, again, I might actually kill someone, so Jaune's going for the mitigating influence. No idea what he's actually doing though." 

“Yeah that’s… actually probably a good idea,” Yang murmured, biting her lip and chewing thoughtfully. “You uh… really did a number on Team BRNZ. Heard they had to be carted off on stretchers.”

“Nolan Porfirio was admitted to the medical wing with heavily bruised testicles,” Ciel confirmed, fixing Ramiel with a heavy stare before checking her watch. “Penny, we’re going to be late for our strategy conference with General Ironwood.”

“I’m sure the General will understand if we’re a few minutes late,” Penny protested, pouting and widening her eyes at Ciel, her eyes shimmering with unshed tears as she unleashed an abnormally strong set of puppy dog eyes at her partner, causing her to cave instantly. 

“... Very well. I’ll make a note of that to General Ironwood,” Ciel sighed, turning away from Penny before she had a heart attack from sheer cuteness.

“... I didn’t punch him…  _ that _ hard…” Ramiel tried to protest, only to receive a series of deadpan stares from everyone nearby, including the noodle stand owner. “... Okay maybe I could have gone easier on ‘em.”

“You think?” Blake rolled her eyes, huffing in amusement at Ramiel’s clear embarrassment. “Wasn’t one of Professor Goodwitch’s ongoing assignments for you just  _ control _ ?”

“... I got excited, okay? How come no one ever makes fun of Ruby for having bullets that can demolish small buildings?” Ramiel asked, whining a bit as she crossed her arms.

“... Because I switch out for less destructive ammo most of the time?” Ruby rolled her eyes and sighed, shrugging as she motioned over to one of the seats that was still miraculously open. “Anyway, Ramiel, do you want lunch? Our treat.”

Ramiel paused, then looked around and patted her pockets. 

After a moment, she nodded and sat down, smiling and relaxing a bit as she responded. “Yeah, sure. Thanks guys!”

<>

“.... What do you  _ mean _ the story of the Maidens is real?” Pyrrha asked calmly as she listened to Professor Ozpin speak, chewing her lip as she thought of the still insensate form of Cinder Fall, who’d been interred into the Vale Max Security prison hospital for the time being. 

“Exactly that. You now possess the powers of the Fall Maiden- or rather, half of them,” Ozpin answered with that same calm, though his was more experience than Pyrrha’s fragile, almost on the verge of hysteria, faked calmness. “Rather fortuitous, that. How did you manage to do so anyway?”

“... Well… She had a glove,” Pyrrha reminisced, tapping her chin as she thought back to her fight with Cinder that had ended up with two city blocks on fire and also the destruction of her motorcycle. “It shot out some weird Grimmlike tendrils… I managed to rip it off at some point and I suppose I managed to subjugate it to my will through sheer anger and… well.”

She shrugged. " _ Apparently _ I'm a  _ Maiden  _ now. I suppose this can only be a boon to the White Fang - couldn't have a Regional Commander going  _ too  _ soft, you know..." 

“Of course,” Ozpin nodded slowly, resting his chin on his hands as he leaned forward against his desk. “Though, that circles back to what I wanted to ask you originally. Now that you have these powers… what are you going to  _ do _ with them? And, I suppose, what are you going to do about only possessing a part of the Fall Maiden’s powers?”

"Yes, about that," Pyrrha began. "Cinder only had half, as I'm led to believe, but where exactly did she get it...  _ and where's the rest of it?"  _

“Well, that is a story that can best be told without saying a word,” Ozpin answered, standing up and motioning for Pyrrha to follow him to the elevator running down into the depths of the school. “Follow me, miss Nikos, and you’ll understand very soon.”


	16. The Sixteenth, In which Jaune has an AK-47

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaune and Ramiel kick ass in the doubles round.
> 
> Team RWBY and RNJR have a sleepover.
> 
> Ruby gets motivated.
> 
> Oh no.

“How the fuck did Cardin win the team rounds?” Ramiel muttered as she scratched her head, watching as Cardin and Sky preened for the crowd, though most of them seemed to be offering condolences when they noticed Ramiel’s presence.

“Not sure. Maybe they got lucky?” Jaune shrugged, readying his shield in front of him and pulling out-

“... Is that an AK-47?” Ramiel muttered, looking at the rifle Jaune held instead of the standard Glock he used to have.

“Yup! Got it cheap and refurbished off the net. Spent a couple days upgrading it to Huntsman spec and color coding it,” Jaune nodded, then sighed as the terrain around them shifted from the blank arena to a matched set of blizzardous mountaintop and flat, sandy desert. “... I’d say that we have a terrain advantage since we have the high ground, but there’s literally no way they’re winning against us.”

As the bell rang, Jaune dashed forward ahead of Ramiel, having already informed her of her role- she was to be the mountaintop sniper to keep Sky off his back while he dealt with Cardin, one knight to another.

“This is… boring.” Ramiel muttered, hopping up the craggy rock face of the snowy mountain and squinting a bit as she took aim and fired a few potshots at the blue haired teenager who’d broken off from Jaune and Cardin’s duel in favor of- 

“Shit!” Ramiel flailed about as she dodged the concussive grenade that Sky had thrown at her, growling as the explosion destabilized her footing and sent her sliding down the rock face. 

As she regained her footing, she fired an offhand blast at Sky again, putting more push than heat into it than usual and sending the boy flying back- directly into Cardin. “Yes!”

“Nice work, Ramiel!” Jaune called back, taking advantage of the momentary confusion to spray Cardin and Sky with a hail of Dust infused rounds, icing them to the ground long enough for Jaune to shield bash their Aura down into the red.

“Well, that was easy- what were you even doing for that whole thirty seconds?” Ramiel asked, dusting the snow from her uniform as she approached.

“Mostly hitting Cardin in the face with my shield,” Jaune shrugged, scratching his head as the two of them left the arena. “Turns out that he might be stronger than me, but he’s ass at actually using his mace to block a shield bash.”

“Huh. Alright then.”

"You know," Jaune mused as the two walked off the arena, "I can't believe I'm saying this, but this was... boring." 

"Yeah," Ramiel groaned. "I'm almost tempted to vote  _ you  _ for the singles round, at this point..." 

"Please don't," Jaune pleaded. "Tell you what. When you get to your singles match... Toy with your opponent." 

Ramiel blinked. "...Wait, what?" 

"Toy with them," Jaune repeated. "Stretch things out. Actually give the audience a show. The way things are going, it feels like another 'fight' like this is going to, I dunno. Summon Grimm out of sheer boredom?" He shrugged. "Seriously. Just... Give us all a show, and I swear if you take my words out of context and give us a pole dance then I  _ will  _ figure out a way to  _ actually  _ hurt you. Even if I have to march to your head of house  _ myself."  _

Ramiel  _ stared  _ at her partner. "...Holy  _ shit  _ you can actually pull off  _ scary." _

“Yeah I had to learn to deal with my sisters,” Jaune deadpanned, rolling his eyes and patting Ramiel’s head. “Anyway, go do your thing fearless leader. And remember, actually put on a  _ show _ .”

“Aye aye, fearless lieutenant,” Ramiel grinned and shook her head, throwing up a sloppy salute as she skipped ahead of Jaune on her way back to the dorms.

<>

“Hey, nice work you guys!” Yang waved as Jaune and Ramiel walked in on what appeared to be an impromptu slumber party in the RNJR dorm, both Ren and Nora already sporting painted nails while Weiss calmly applied sparkling red polish to Ruby’s nails and Blake lounged on the highest point in the room… which was the ceiling fan. 

“... Why is Blake dangling from the ceiling fan?” Jaune asked, scratching his head as Blake simply waved silently from her perch.

“It gives her a direct line of sight down my top,” Yang shrugged, motioning at her…  _ very _ low cut tank top and winking up at Blake.

Jaune looked back up at the fan. "...What the hell is the ceiling  _ made  _ of?" he muttered in slight astonishment. 

“Reinforced hardwood and the same alloys our weapons are made of,” Blake answered with a shrug, shamelessly ogling Yang’s tits as she spun around in circles. “That, and I’m reinforcing the fan and drywall with my Aura so they don’t snap off.”

“... Yeah that’d do it,” Jaune nodded, immediately sitting down next to Ruby and waiting his turn. “Hey Weiss, do you have gel polish?”

Weiss scoffed. “Of course I have gel polish, Jaune. Why would I use  _ normal _ nail polish when I can use the proper polish?”

“Weiss’ gels are  _ literally _ harder than steel,” Nora nodded in awe, holding up her hands and giggling at the glittery orange and pink that now covered her nails. “It’s true!”

“I put a nick in one of Stormflower’s blades,” Ren confirmed, holding up his pistols and showing off the tiny scratch etched deep into the metal of one of the blades.

Jaune rolled his eyes. "Right, you're rich. Forgot that some families can just, you know,  _ afford  _ stuff. Ya know?" he snarked. "I still don't have a proper mechashift, you know. I can't  _ wait  _ to start getting  _ paid."  _

“.... Jaune.” Ren cut in, furrowing his brow as he raised his hand. “Nora and I could afford mechashift components for our weapons and we’re… well, still technically broke. They’re… not  _ that _ expensive.”

“They’re not if you go to a proper Huntsman school,” Jaune countered, sighing quietly. “Illume is first and foremost a medic school, and the combat part is kind of a distant second. The most they allowed me to buy was my glock and it’s only the fact that Beacon has free upgrades and forges and a small stipend that let me buy my own AK-47.”

“... Ah. Right.” Ren nodded, then paused again. “... What about your parents?”

“They paid tuition and nobody in my family really makes enough money to actually get me stuff. Plus I wanted to be independent so… guess that might have been a mistake on my part,” Jaune shrugged, sighing again and holding out his hands for Weiss to start painting his nails with a lovely golden sheen. “Anyway, I’m not super torn up about it but it sure would be nice to not have to haul around a gun  _ and _ a sword.”

"I mean," Ramiel mentioned, "you can always get money from the same place I get it from. I can totally share, you know..." 

"Do I want to know?" Jaune deadpanned. "Because it feels like I'm going to regret this knowledge, whatever it is." 

“.... I just use Louise’s credit card, actually,” Ramiel deadpanned, sitting down across from Jaune before looking down at her nails. “.... Yeah I don’t think that nail polish is going to work too well for me.”

“Aren’t you already wearing nail polish?” Weiss asked, looking down at Ramiel’s hands before squinting and-

“...Ramiel.”

“Yes Weiss?”

“Are your fingernails just made out of sapphires?”

“...You already know the answer to that.”

“I don’t think they  _ are _ sapphires,” Jaune noted from over there. “Whatever material that is, it’s far stronger than any mineral has any right to be.”

“That’s…  _ mostly _ just the sheer power of my Soul, you realize that right?” Ramiel quirked her eyebrow at Jaune, letting her soul flare up in a series of hexagons all over her body. “And it  _ is _ chemically sapphire, it’s just stabilized in multiple dimensions to have some… strange… properties in three dimensional space.”

Jaune  _ groaned.  _ "You know what, I'm not even going to  _ question  _ that." He pondered something for a moment. "...Hey Ramiel, that stuff you do with your soul... Do you think you can teach the rest of us?" 

“Yes and no,” Ramiel answered, pretending to not notice the way that the rest of her friends leaned in around her. “If you join the family I could hook you all up with Cores and teach you how to be Angels, but otherwise none of you could possibly manifest an AT Field without spending the next few centuries researching the necessary math and soul configurations.”

"...so what's the  _ actual  _ difference between an AT-field and Aura?" Weiss asked curiously. 

“About sixteen dimensions worth of math and quantum theory,” Ramiel replied blithely. “An Aura is pretty good already for what you’ve got- no lies there, it’s pretty impressive that you guys have managed to do  _ anything _ with souls that weren’t specifically configured to do such a thing, but an Aura exists only in three dimensions- it’s completely physical. An AT Field, though, is a sixteen dimensional soul barrier that completely  _ overrides physics _ within its area of effect. Which is why I can fly despite being a literal mountain sized sapphire.”

"Bet you I can figure out an AT-field without a Core  _ or _ centuries," Ruby pondered thoughtfully. "If Doctor Polendina can figure out how to  _ create _ a soul, then I don't see how I couldn't figure how to project mine - Penny can help of course." 

Weiss coughed. "Ruby, be  _ reasonable.  _ Just because you can figure out anything weaponizable doesn't - wait. We literally weaponize our souls. Oh god you  _ could  _ figure that out, couldn't you?" 

Ruby nodded. "Yep! I need a few months, of course - I'm not  _ that  _ much of a miracle worker - but it should absolutely be doable, yeah. Wanna help?" 

Weiss put her hands on her hips. "Don't be ridiculous, you dolt! If you think I'm going to help you weaponize your  _ very Soul  _ into even more absurd levels then you're absolutely right, when do we start?" 

"After the tournament," Ruby hummed. "I still gotta cheer for just about absolutely everyone before I can get to work, after all..."

“To be fair, actually forming an AT Field isn’t…  _ that _ much math. It’s just doing all the really cool shit with it is… a lot harder,” Ramiel shrugged, reaching over and patting Ruby on the head. “And hey, if you do figure it out on your own, more power to you.”

<>

Pyrrha idly flexed her fingers as she stepped out of Ozpin’s office. She still felt a bit sad that Amber had willingly died to give her the Fall Maiden’s powers, but she had to keep herself focused on the mission she now had- after all, there were things far worse out there than just racists and bigots, and now that she knew about the Queen of the Grimm…

She couldn’t just  _ do nothing _ about it.

She pulled out her scroll and called Banesaw. "Lieutenant? It's me. I'm calling a meeting of the higher levels. We have a problem." She listened to the scroll. "...Yes, of course the High Leader can join, it concerns her too- the prisoners? Perhaps. No, look, they were  _ with _ Cinder, they should have some answers. Okay, I'll meet you there. Thanks, Banesaw."

Pyrrha put away her scroll and got onto her (new!) motorcycle. "I should probably get some spares," she mused... and gunned it.

  
With an uncharacteristic  _ whoop _ , she peeled off and sped off back to the White Fang encampment, her power almost literally leaving flames in her wake as sparks flew from her eyes and hands at her sudden rush of excitement.


	17. The Seventeenth, In Which Someone Finally Joins The Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyrian Callows arrives, gets ass kicked, and dies unceremoniously. Ramiel and Penny bond.  
> Coco and Yatsuhashi fight Flynt and Neon. Jaune flirts with Yatsuhashi.
> 
> Pyrrha gets flirted with. By Neo.
> 
> Oh no.

17)

“Are you… sure this guy was an assassin?” Ramiel muttered as she stared down at the twitching, insensate form of the scorpion Faunus who’d attacked her in the hallways while screaming something about ‘making the sheep fear for their lives’ and ‘making an example out of her’ or some shit like that. She hadn’t really been paying attention since she’d been sexting Coco and drooling over the lewd pictures she and Velvet had sent to Ramiel’s scroll, but the tricky bastard had been  _ fast _ , and it had taken her an embarrassingly long time (for her, that is) to actually draw a bead on his erratic movement and send a high power gamma beam directly into his crotch.

The asshole had even managed to put a  _ scratch _ in her  _ AT Field _ somehow!

Probably because of the corrosive effects that his Semblance had- it wasn’t enough to really  _ break _ her AT Field, and the rat bastard was certainly surprised enough that it hadn’t that she’d managed to break his Aura shield with a punch before she’d shot him, but still.

Cosmetic damage was still way too much damage to put up with if she was going to keep her invincible reputation around.

"Tyrian Callows," Penny said  _ from right behind her what the fuck,  _ walking up next to the startled Angel and looking down with a faint look of distaste. "Escaped serial killer, disappeared from prison transport under mysterious circumstances, presumed KIA." She eyed the man. "Presumption was clearly made erroneously." 

“Well, we can correct that pretty quick,” Ramiel deadpanned as she placed her foot on the unconscious man’s chest and began pressing down, huffing as her AT Field healed over and she exerted her strength ever so slightly, not even the slightest bit fazed at the sound of Tyrian’s ribs bending and creaking under her weight. “Sure it’d be a late correction, but he’d still be KIA, right?”

"I think General Ironwood would want to see him," Penny commented. "Something about trials." She made no movements to stop Ramiel. "Would be a shame if he just up and died," she commented. "True shame. Awful." 

She hiccuped. 

“Yeah, real shame, that’d be,” Ramiel nodded, making a small whoop of surprise as she brought her foot down and crushed through Tyrian’s ribcage with barely any resistance at all. “Oops, gross, I stepped in something nasty. Hey Penny, wanna help me get to the bathroom so I can wash the crap off my boot?”

"Oh, gladly," Penny responded amicably. "Oh no, there's a dead serial killer lying in the middle of the corridor! I shall compose a report to General Ironwood immediately, as I help my good friend wash up from a completely unrelated incident! I wonder what happened to him." She hiccuped again. 

Ramiel snickered as she pulled her boot out of Tyrian’s corpse, leaning on Penny gently and hopping on one foot as they headed to the bathroom. “Do you always hiccup so much or did you just eat something too fast?”

Penny considered that. "It is most certainly not an obvious mechanism to distinguish lies with," she offered, punctuating the statement with an incredibly obvious hiccup. "Wink wink," she added. 

Ramiel stared at Penny for a good long moment.

“That is the most adorable thing I’ve ever seen in my life,” she eventually decided, immediately squeezing Penny into a tight grip with a loud squee. 

The girl's eyes widened. "Please, Friend Ramiel, with less strength! You are straining my components... Somehow... I require explanation." 

“Oh yeah, you don’t usually wind up on the receiving end of that, huh,” Ramiel pulled back slowly before looking Penny up and down with an odd expression. “.... Wait… that explains why I always felt something off about you… You’re…  _ borrowing _ your soul from someone else?”

Penny's eyes flicked all over the place. "...N-noooo?" She hiccuped. "That is, yes?" She hiccuped again. "Oh what do you  _ want  _ from me, you stupid system!?" 

“Hm. Okay so it’s… partially a transfer, I can tell that much from the link you’ve got going all the way back thataways,” Ramiel motioned awkwardly in the direction of vaguely-ish maybe sort of Atlas, “but it’s partially your  _ own _ Soul now that you’ve started doing stuff like experiencing the world and having your own personality. Problem is, whatever is keeping you alive is doing a real shit job of holding your soul together, probably because the tech isn’t  _ quite _ advanced enough to keep a soul inside permanently. Weird. Anyway Penny how would you like to be a hyper advanced humanlike alien life form with possibly enough firepower to level a small mountain?”

Penny's smile widened. " _ Do  _ I!?" 

“Well then, welcome to the family, little sister,” Ramiel smiled brightly, hugging Penny again as she gently pressed a core to the robotic girl’s chest and-

“.... Friend Ramiel, I don’t think I feel very different at all,” Penny murmured after the light show died down, poking the crimson orb between her breasts awkwardly and wondering if she should cover herself now that her shirt had been torn open.

“.... Well you look a lot like Ireul now and you have your own soul so…” Ramiel shrugged and lightly patted Penny’s head. “I dunno. You’re probably just possessing your old robot self now like Ireul did, probably since you kinda didn’t have an organic body.”

Penny pondered that notion. "Sen- _ sational!"  _ She grinned brightly. "I must let my harem know at once!" 

“Well, go on and tell ‘em!” Ramiel patted Penny on the shoulder with a wide grin, winking and making a finger gun with her free hand. “Oh yeah, and don’t forget- your body’s way more on the organic spectrum now than it was before since you have a full soul now, so uh… you might feel sex a lot more intensely than usual. Don’t ask how I know that.”

“I will keep that in mind I will talk to you later Friend Ramiel IdiscoveredIneedtoperformsomeurgenttestingrightnowbyeeeeee!” was the energetic response from a rapidly absconding Penny. Ramiel snorted.

“Well, that was a fun diversion,” Ramiel muttered, then abruptly dropped her smile as a pang of buried trauma punched her right in her non-beating heart and made her groan. “Fuck, I thought I was over this already…”

She grit her teeth and tried to force down the lingering regrets and fears, breathing harshly until she could feel her AT Field settle down once again after lashing out hard enough to grind one of the faucets in the bathroom into fine metal shavings on the ground.

“Keep it together Ramiel, you can always get therapy  _ after _ your vacation,” she muttered, wincing and rubbing her core as she went back out to rendezvous with her team.

<>

“You sure took your sweet time getting back,” Jaune joked lightly as Ramiel trudged back into her seat and sighed, elbowing her gently in the ribs with a goofy half grin. “You almost missed the start of the last doubles round!”

“I... had a detour,” Ramiel said carefully, letting her teammates draw their own conclusions. “Who’s fighting?”

“It’s Coco and Yatsuhashi against some guys from Atlas- Flynt Coal and Neon Katt,” Jaune answered, watching as the terrain turned into- “Ooh, rough time for Neon.”

“Huh? Why?” Ramiel looked out over the field and squinted, then snorted in surprise. “Yikes. Lava, ruins, cliffs, and mountain forest with roller skates. She’s  _ screwed _ .”

“And she knows it. See that- I think her boots have some kind of mechashift for bumpy terrain,” Jaune pointed out, almost bouncing in his seat as he watched the match start.

Ramiel leaned forward excitedly as the Atlesian pair immediately retreated into the forest, their weapons firing potshots at Coco and Yatsuhashi, who stood more or less firm in the center of the arena as Yatsuhashi blocked the shots with his massive fuck-off sized sword and Coco-

“IS THAT A MINIGUN!?” Ramiel gasped in utter awe as Coco not only turned her purse into a minigun bigger than she was, but began  _ playing music out of the side as she spun it up _ . “COCO HAS A THEME SONG!?”

“... Yeah? It’s not exactly uncommon for Huntsmen and Huntresses to have their own theme songs. It helps a lot for morale when you can kick ass to a cool song. And technically this is Team CFVY’s song, not just Coco’s,” Jaune pointed out idly as the stadium speakers synced with Coco’s radio signal and began blasting an  _ incredibly _ high energy rock song out over the arena and made the crowd  _ roar _ .

“...I want a team song,” Ramiel declared. “I mean, I did have a theme song once, very technically, but it doesn’t fit  _ this _ team very well. And could possibly raise some questions.”

“Yeah good luck trying to hire a music group with two broke teammates and one who can’t even afford a mechashift weapon,” Jaune snorted before turning his attention back to the match. “Damn, Flynt and Neon are getting their shit kicked in.”

“So they are,” Ramiel nodded idly, watching as Coco completely  _ demolished _ all of the Atlesian pair’s cover just by cutting it down through sheer volume of fire from her minigun, while Yatsuhashi simply stood there until-

“And miss Neon Katt has been knocked out of the fight with a single decisive blow! This isn’t looking good for Team FNKI!” Professor Oobleck announced, still playing Coco’s theme music while Flynt did his utmost best to ward off both the giant Yatsuhashi and the ridiculously strong Coco with both his trumpet and his Semblance, while Neon simply slinked offstage to go sit the rest of the match out and maybe get the ringing out of her ears after getting paddled in the face by Yatsuhashi’s sword.

"They dead," was Ramiel’s concise if disturbingly cheerful analysis of the situation. "Also, I kinda wanna do what the guy does with that trumpet of his, except maybe with a guitar. That looks kind of fucking cool." 

"They probably would have done decently against Team SSSN or maybe even Team RWBY in a pinch," Jaune observed thoughtfully. "And perhaps also on literally any kind of different terrain except maybe sand. As they are, though..." 

The pair winced as one as Flynt was nailed in the crotch by a combined strike from both Coco and Yatsuhashi, flying out of the ring and into the barrier. 

"I don't even  _ have  _ balls and I feel sorry for that guy," Ramiel muttered, wincing. Jaune looked distinctly uncomfortable. 

"If his Aura had been  _ any  _ lower at that point," he said, crossing his legs, "he'd be getting them sewed back on by the medics. Don't ask how I know that," he added, wincing again. "Or rather, don't ask for  _ details.  _ Okay?" 

"Sure," Ramiel commented as Port announced Team CFVY's victory. "C'mon. Let's congratulate them." 

"Please not in front of the entire stadium," Jaune deadpanned, rising from the seat and following his partner. "I don't want to know if secondhand embarrassment can attract Grimm today, thank you very much." 

“Whaaa? Do you really think I’d be so crass as to commit lecherous acts of public indecency in the middle of an internationally broadcast event?” Ramiel asked, snickering as she hopped out of her seat and headed towards the arena floor, while Jaune just rolled his eyes behind her.

“Personally? Yes. With Coco having two public indecency charges on her public record? Definitely.”

“Psshh, semantics,” Ramiel waved Jaune off, sticking out her tongue tauntingly.

Jaune himself rolled his eyes. Again. "Don't make me abuse my Healer's Oath and ground you both from sex, because I can absolutely do that," he cautioned. "I'd be impressed that Coco hasn't had a vaginal prolapse yet but I know that Aura exists so I'm not." 

“Well, that, and there’s a lot more licking going on than actual penetration,” Ramiel mentioned before immediately running off and joining Coco and Velvet’s slightly more affectionate than maybe publicly acceptable hug, while Yatsuhashi just snorted, shook his head, and walked over to Jaune.

“Sup?” the giant man nodded at Jaune, squatting down slightly so Jaune wouldn’t have to bend his neck so far to look him in the eye. “Your teammate is… excitable.”

“Noooooo,” Jaune deadpanned, “However did you guess?”

The two shared a smirk. “Is it just me,” Jaune asked, “or was that finisher kind of overkill even by your team’s standards?”

“Flynt was being kind of a dick,” Yatsuhashi shrugged, running his hand through his short cropped hair and planting his blade in the ground. “Said some… let’s just say he and Neon are really good at getting people mad.”

"Fighting an angry enemy can be very beneficial if you can keep your cool and they lose reason," Jaune mused. "Basing your entire fighting strategy around it, however... It feels quite dim to be honest. What happens when your enemy  _ can  _ keep their cool? Or worse, is even stronger than you no matter what?" 

"You'd know all about that last one, huh," Yatsuhashi smirked. "Is your partner going to be in the singles?" 

Jaune groaned. "Yep. I  _ actually had to tell her  _ to stop ending fights too fast and give the audience a show." He paused. "...Now I kind of want to see her fight Coco, but on the other hand I also  _ really  _ don't. You know?" 

“Knowing Coco like I do, it’d almost certainly end with a  _ third _ public indecency charge on her record,” Yatsuhashi sighed, rubbing his forehead as the three girls behind them immediately ran off to go do things that Jaune really didn’t want to imagine. Not that it was unhealthy, but more that he didn’t want to pop an awkward boner by imagining his team leader with two other girls. In a locker room. Doing extremely lewd things.

Shit.

“Boner?” Yatsuhashi deadpanned.

“Boner,” Jaune agreed, sighing. “...You don’t happen to be bisexual by any chance?”

“I’m on a team with Coco. Of course I’m bisexual,” Yatsuhashi answered, rolling his eyes slightly as he tried to think unsexy thoughts and not think about his team leader and partner getting it on with Jaune’s team leader and- goddammit. “Dammit. It’s the pink elephant dilemma all over again.”

“I mean at least there’s worse things to imagine than kinky lesbian threesomes,” Jaune shrugged and sighed, idly covering his crotch with his shield and leaning against the wall to at least pretend to be casual about it. “So did Coco ever-”

“Drag me and Fox into the kinky sex? Couple times yeah but we don’t match up too well in the romance department.” Yatsuhashi answered, shrugging as he hid the suspiciously large bulge in his pants behind his sword. “Fox isn’t one for cuddling despite his name and Coco and Velvet are way too intense for my tastes.”

"Ever feel like your partner is rubbing off on you?" Jaune asked conversationally, leaning back and rubbing his chin. "Not literally, mind you, because I figure  _ that one  _ happens liberally anyway..." 

"You're right about  _ that  _ one," Yatsuhashi groused. "And.. Sometimes. Why?" 

Jaune rolled his eyes. "Oh, let me put it this way. Wanna bang?" 

Yatsuhashi paused, tilted his head, raised his finger…

Tapped his chin, looked down at Jaune, checked his scroll.

“Sure, we got a few hours before anything else, I think.” Yatsuhashi nodded. “Your dorm or mine?”

<>

“Neo, what on Remnant are you doing here?” Pyrrha asked idly as she checked the inventory of the community library the White Fang had set up the other day, taking a note of all the books they needed to requisition to bring it up to standard. “Roman is in jail right now, and I highly doubt you’re actually interested in murdering me at the moment otherwise you’d have your parasol.”

Neo said nothing. Surprise surprise.

Pyrrha just shrugged as the ice cream obsessed girl simply stood behind her, continuing to shuffle books around until-

“...” Pyrrha drew in a deep breath as Neo’s hands ran over her sides before slowly dipping down towards her skirt and towards places no one had touched before. “Neo, if you’re trying to seduce me, could you at least not do it in a public space? You might have avoided several public indecency charges already but I have no great desire to ruin my reputation by fucking in public.”

Neo pouted.

“I’m free at six, dear. You can wait for me in my tent,” Pyrrha smiled lightly, turning and patting Neo on the head.

Neo immediately perked up and, with a sound like shattering glass, vanished into the wind.


	18. The Eighteenth, in Which Conversations Happen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaune deals with the consequences of getting boned by a giant. 
> 
> Ramiel and team RWBY have a long talk with Professor Ozpin
> 
> Pyrrha wakes up with Neo in her arms.
> 
> And Rex and I have finally run out of backlogged chapters.
> 
> Oh no.

"Jaune? Seriously? You  _ too?"  _

Funny, Ren sounded aghast. Jaune blinked himself awake. "Me too what?" he groaned. 

"I think he means me," Yatsuhashi rumbled from next to him. Oh. Right. They'd fallen asleep afterwards. 

"His dorm was occupied," Jaune defended himself. He then finally realized  _ why  _ Ren had sounded aghast. "...also, you have the strongest bed in  _ our _ dorm. Sorry Ren." 

“... I… I don’t even know what to say to that,” Ren sighed, pinching his brow and immediately spraying air freshener around the room while Nora simply giggled behind him and took pictures of Jaune’s bedraggled face.

“So did you get your ass broken or did you top?” she asked, poking Jaune’s cheek as Yatsuhashi slowly sat up and made sure that he didn’t flash Ren and Nora while pulling on his boxers.

“Nora,  _ please, _ ” Jaune groaned. “I’m a bottom and you know it.”

“He does have quite a nice bottom,” Yatsuhashi agreed, standing up and stretching and causing Nora and Ren to both stare at him in absolute awe.

“... I didn’t know they made dicks that big,” Nora muttered, eyes wide open as she looked between Yatsuhashi’s general crotch area and Jaune’s still covered rear. “How did you not  _ explode _ from taking that?”

“Lots and lots of Aura,” Jaune muttered, wincing as he moved and his lower body decided to remind him that it was still numb from his hips down. And also that his spleen felt decidedly  _ bruised _ .

“Lots and lots of lube,” Yatsuhashi added, motioning towards Nora’s dresser- or rather, the completely emptied half gallon tub of water based lubricant now sitting on top of it.

“... That’s almost a  _ half a year’s supply of lubricant _ ,” Ren whispered, paling as he worked through the implications.

“... I mean, that one was already half empty,” Jaune shrugged, pulsing his aura as Yatsuhashi got dressed and gave everyone a jaunty wave as he ducked out the door. “Later Yatsu.”

“See ya round, Jaune.”

As the door swung shut behind Yatsuhashi, Jaune took in Ren’s pale and Nora’s astonished faces. “...what?”

“ _ How, _ ” Nora insisted. “Did you take up Ramiel’s offer or infinite power? Without telling  _ us?!  _ How did you  _ manage _ that!?”

Jaune shrugged. “Nope, still pretty much human.” He flashed his Aura, letting it roll across his body in a soothing wave. “Physician, heal thyself, yknow?”

“... Oh yeah.” Nora muttered, palming her face while Ren subtly edged around behind Jaune and gathered his sheets into a pile so he could burn the lot. “Figures the medic would know how to get reamed by a horse sized donger without having his organs explode.”

"No," Jaune disagreed, "horses are bigger and shaped differently. You need different knowledge to be reamed by a horse." 

“Let’s not go into how you know that and instead help me burn these,” Ren cut in before Nora could ask, shuddering as he picked up the slightly sticky, slightly slimy pile of bed coverings and dumped them into a garbage bag. “Because there is  _ no way _ I’m ever sleeping on these again.”

Jaune frowned as he mentally replayed his last sentence. His eyes widened. "Wait, no, I haven't  _ actually  _ fucked a horse--look, I did my practical in the ER, I spent a  _ lot  _ of time removing various objects from all sorts of orifices-" 

"I literally just said  _ let's not get into that,"  _ Ren deadpanned. "Can we talk about  _ literally anything  _ else?" 

“Right, uhhhhhhh….” Jaune looked around awkwardly and tried to think about something else to talk about. “So uh…. where’s Ramiel?”

"Should be still in the CFVY dorm," Ren mentioned. "Doing  _ guess what."  _

"...Did you want to join in...?" Jaune asked. "I probably could have extended an invitation..." 

“No, Nora and I were just coming back from our… ahem,” Ren looked aside and blushed slightly, at which point Jaune finally noticed that both of them did like just a slight bit more disheveled than they had been the last time he saw them.

“We were fuckin’  _ real _ hard,” Nora grinned, patting Jaune on the head and heaving Ren’s trash bag full of ruined sheets out the window in the vague direction of the dumpsters. “... Boy I sure hope I made that shot.”

“.... You couldn’t have just thrown it down the trash chute?” Jaune questioned idly as he finally pulled on his pants, receiving a deadpan look from Ren and a quick laugh from Nora.

“Silly Jaune, why would I touch that mess for  _ any longer than I have to? _ ” Nora asked rhetorically, immediately spinning around and marching into the bathroom to wash her hands.

“... good point.”

Jaune looked thoughtful. "Wonder if Yats was right and Ramiel  _ is  _ rubbing off on us... This team is becoming almost as horny as Team CFVY."

<>

“So uh… what do you think Professor Ozpin wanted to talk to us about?” Ruby asked idly as she rocked back on her heels, watching the floors tick by as the elevator ascended the clocktower to Ozpin’s office. “I don’t…  _ think  _ we’ve been making a whole lot of trouble or Professor Goodwitch would have been a lot more mad at us recently…”

“Speak for yourself, Rubes,” Yang muttered, rubbing her rear and wincing at the memory of Professor Goodwitch spanking her earlier that week. “Yeesh. You spill one cup of coffee and it’s like the end of the world for her…”

"Is it just me," Weiss deadpanned, "or has the entire Beacon become a lot hornier lately? I could  _ swear  _ things weren't this bad at the beginning of the semester..." 

The elevator  _ dinged _ , preventing Weiss from getting an answer out her teammates. A pair of voices floated in through the opening doors. 

"...all I'm saying is, you should have reported a dead criminal immediately instead of sneaking off to have sex, miss de Valliére," came an unfamiliar male voice. 

"And I'm saying," countered the voice of Ramiel, "that I was traumatized by the sight and sought comfort in any way I knew how-" 

"Bullshit," Weiss coughed. "General Ironwood," she greeted the man. "My sister speaks very highly of you." 

“Ah, Miss Schnee,” the so named General turned away from Ramiel, visibly forcing himself to calm down as he greeted team RWBY. “And Team RWBY, I presume. Right on time. For those of you unfamiliar with me, my name is General James Ironwood, head of the Atlesian military.”

“Why don’t you all have a seat?” Professor Ozpin asked rhetorically, motioning to the four extra chairs that he’d had brought up specifically for this meeting. “Would any of you like something to drink? Coffee, perhaps? Tea?”

"Got any pussy juice?" Ramiel asked, looking exactly innocent enough that Weiss immediately decided that she was fucking with the Headmaster. 

"Cocoa, if you have any," Weiss demurred. "Cocaine if not." Well, two can play at that game, can't they? 

“....” Ozpin just stared at both girls, sighing heavily as he stood up, walked around the table… and bonked Ramiel on the head. “Please keep the obscenities out of my office, miss Ramiel. And miss Schnee… please don’t encourage Ramiel. You and I both know she’s incapable of  _ not _ fucking around even in a serious situation.”

“... Oz, I’m seriously starting to regret ever coming to your school,” General Ironwood deadpanned, looking for all the world like he was seriously considering bashing his face against the window until he defenestrated himself. “If we’re all done screwing around, though. Team RWBY, Ramiel de la Valliere… there is something important that we need to discuss. And if you’d please be on your best behavior for the remainder of this meeting, I’d very much enjoy not having my heart explode from high blood pressure.”

"Is it about me and Weiss being in Penny’s harem?" Ruby asked. "Because we treat her with nothing but the utmost respect, honestly!" 

"Is it about Penny in general, since I fixed her Soul and all?" Ramiel asked curiously. 

Ironwood looked like he had a migraine. "No, but I want to talk to you three about it afterwards anyway. No, it's... Ozpin, if you would?" 

“Of course,” Ozpin nodded and sat down once again, five cups of cocoa appearing on the desk in front of each girl as soon as he sat down. “Let’s cut to the chase, shall we? Team RWBY, this involves half of your members directly, one of you indirectly, and… Miss Belladonna, I actually don’t think you have any real connection to what I’m about to say. That is- Miss Rose, Miss Xiao Long… Your uncle Qrow works for me and Miss Schnee’s elder sister works for James here. For what purpose, I shall explain in a moment.”

He took a sip of his coffee, gauging the expressions of Team RWBY for a moment before continuing. “There is a threat to all of mankind, greater than any you could imagine. The Grimm we as Huntsmen and Huntresses fight so hard to quell are merely the tip of the iceberg, as it were. Currently, she has lost two of her best agents- one of whom is in a coma in a specialized correctional facility, and the other whom is currently a corpse with a very distinct size eight women’s boot print embedded through his ribs and into his spine.”

Ozpin paused again, just long enough to raise an eyebrow at Ramiel, who simply shrugged and grinned.

“I shot his balls off with a laser beam too, if anyone was asking,” she stated smugly, completely ignoring General Ironwood’s light wince.

“Of course you did,” Yang sighed, dropping her face into her palm and groaning. “Of course she did.”

“Not… super surprised but still. TMI,” Blake muttered, turning a bit green in the face.

“Yes. That. Suffice to say, mister Callows will quickly be given the burial he deserves,” Ozpin deadpanned. “The threat I am speaking of at this moment is a witch known as Salem. And she is the queen of the Grimm.”

“Oh you mean that super pissed off lady on that dragon continent up northwest-ish?” Ramiel blinked, raising her hand on reflex as she leaned forward in sudden interest. “Because she’s been getting more pissed than usual and if I can sense that from  _ here _ then, hoo boy, she’s either  _ super _ powerful, or so pissed it’ll probably kill her from heart failure within a  _ week _ . Probably the former, though.”

Weiss pinched the bridge of her nose. "You want to bang her, don't you." 

"Well of course," Ramiel nodded, impressed. "You can tell?" 

"You had the exact same look in your eyes that Blake does whenever Yang takes her shirt off," the Schnee heiress deadpanned. "It's not  _ that  _ hard to spot." 

“Well it’s not  _ my  _ fault my entire species is attracted to power,” Ramiel huffed, crossing her arms irritably and pouting. 

“Please don’t try to seduce my ex wife,” Ozpin groaned, then immediately froze up and then palmed his face so hard he actually managed to make his entire metal chair rock back a few centimeters. “Dammit.”

“... Salem is your ex wife,” General Ironwood deadpanned, taking a deep breath as he once again fought the urge to either break something or throw himself out of the window in sheer frustration.

“We’ve been divorced a few thousand years now, yes,” Ozpin sighed, figuring that he might as well keep going now that the secret was out. “But again, miss Ramiel. I would appreciate it if you  _ didn’t _ try to seduce my ex wife who currently wants to destroy all of humanity with a tide of nearly unkillable eldritch demons.”

“... All of humanity is currently, and has been for all of recorded history, under attack by the endless hordes of Grimm…” Yang started, her voice rising as she worked herself into a righteous rage. “BECAUSE YOU HAD A BAD BREAKUP WITH YOUR WIFE!?”

“SHE’S THE ONE WHO DECIDED TO START A SPAT BETWEEN THE GODS JUST BECAUSE SHE COULDN’T LEAVE WELL ALONE AND LET ME DIE OF SICKNESS LIKE EVERY OTHER FORTY YEAR OLD PERSON ON THE PLANET!” Ozpin thundered back, slamming his fist into the table and knocking over his cup of coffee as a result. “IF ANYTHING, SHE’S THE ONE TO BLAME FOR ALL OF THIS, NOT ME!”

"Wait, why didn't the gods just resurrect you and be done with it?" Ramiel asked reasonably. "It's not  _ that  _ hard to resurrect someone from the dead, you know. Also, you died at only forty?" 

“This was some ten thousand or so years ago when medical science had barely advanced beyond bloodletting and leeches,” Ozpin sighed, rubbing his forehead as he sat back down again. “And as for why they didn’t resurrect me at first… they said it was to preserve the balance. And then after a while, they said my resurrection was a punishment for her. Considering that she’s gone literally insane in the last couple thousand years, I’m inclined to believe it didn’t work out as they expected it to.”

Ramiel  _ tched.  _ "No shit," she snarked. "Look, your ex clearly needs..." She  _ stretched _ out her AT-field and  _ felt.  _ "Oof, yeah, she  _ definitely  _ needs to get laid properly. Hey, how about this- I'll go seduce her and fuck her back to sanity, and then I call in the big guns and we deal with the really incompetent gods you lot have. Sound fair?" 

“.... As much as I admire your bravado, miss Ramiel, I doubt even  _ you _ have the required strength to deal with a pair of gods that govern all life and death on this planet, who both have enough strength to shatter the moon just by  _ leaving _ this planet,” Ozpin deadpanned, sighing quietly and motioning behind him towards the clearly visible outline of the moon in the sky.

Ramiel pursed her lips, thinking over Ozpin’s words carefully. Then tilted her head. Tapped her chin. “You’re right. Sort of.  _ I _ don’t have enough firepower unless I go full hypernova and blow up my own core to fire a planet destroying laser. Buuut, I do know someone who  _ does _ .”

“... Why am I not surprised in the slightest that part of your family is apparently strong enough to wipe entire planets off the face of the universe?” Weiss asked rhetorically, palming her face as Ramiel continued tapping her chin and doing something that superficially resembled thinking, though Weiss knew that couldn’t be the case considering Ramiel’s utter lack of brain cells.

"You... aren't the slightest bit surprised by her claims, miss Schnee," Ozpin observed. "Did she coordinate this?" 

Weiss blinked. "Oh hey," she noted. "Congratulations, you fooled Ozpin." 

Ramiel blinked. "...I did?" 

Ozpin paused and slowly picked up his coffee mug, sniffed it a few times, then set it back down. He seemed… visibly perturbed.

“... Something tells me that you aren’t joking,” he stated, folding his hands in his lap and taking on the sudden affect of someone who desperately wanted to jump out the window. “... Why does it feel to me as though neither of you are joking.”

“... Whatever this conversation is about, I don’t think I’m drunk enough to handle it anymore,” General Ironwood suddenly spoke up, having remained silent up until Ramiel decided it was a good idea to casually threaten global annihilation on a whim. “So. I’m going to go get drunk. Oz, is your liquor cabinet still in the same place?”

Ozpin thought about it for a minute as General Ironwood started walking towards the door. “Hold on James, I’ll come with you.”

"...but who to ask," Ramiel wondered. "I...  _ really  _ don't want to become a suicide bomber again... Lilith? She definitely has the most 'god' experience, sure, but she's tied up with the whole resurrection business.... Hrm. I  _ really  _ don't want to drag Louise into a godspat again... Wait, no, got it!"

She pulled out what Weiss at first thought was a really bulky Scroll, but at another look didn't seem any similar to a Scroll at all. 

The piece of unknown technology unfolded an antenna from  _ somewhere,  _ bent in angles not possible within the confines of normal space and glowing with a faint arcane light. Ramiel stared at it morosely. 

"Call Shinji Ikari," she finally said. 

"Calling 'Father #1'," an unknown female voice chirped. 

_ “Wh- hello? Ramiel?” _

Team RWBY started at the sound of the still almost adolescent sounding voice that emanated from the strange device, all of them blinking in unison before staring at Ramiel in shock.

“Heyyyyy Shinji,” Ramiel started, sighing and rolling her eyes as she folded her arms and crossed her legs, glaring off into space as she projected Shinji’s image into the air before her. “How’s it hanging?”

_ “We’re all fine back here in Halkeginia. Is something wrong? Where are you right now? And… where are Louise and Tabitha?” _

Ramiel groaned and palmed her face, dragging her hand down slowly before speaking again. “No, nothing’s…  _ wrong _ technically. Okay look, I made a dumb bet and it turns out that the world we’re on has some asshole gods that we really should kill and right now I’m neither powerful enough, nor is my Soul configured for literal planet busting right now. I’d sure like it to be, but I’m pretty sure Leliel is off on vacation and I can’t afford to just sit around for two centuries operating on my own soul. So. Yeah. You down to go kill a pair of asshole deities in a bit? Maybe like, a couple weeks?”

Shinji made a noncommittal noise.  _ "I... Should be free in about a month or so. Hey, mind if I take Rei and Father? I mean Rei is going to come anyway but you know what I mean. Should I invite Father?"  _

“Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh….” Ramiel leaned back in her chair, thought about it, tilted her head, thought about it some more, thought about it a little more… “If Rei can reconfigure my soul on the fly and grant me access to deity killing levels of power- anything on the scale of black hole bomb level beam would be enough I think- then I don’t think there’s any real need. Side note: Do you know how to make a singularity? I’ve been trying to puzzle out the right math but I think I’m missing some data packets for that.”

_ “I don’t think I have the right mindset for those,” _ Shinji apologized.  _ “I’m going to have to ask Mother...” _

“Shinji, if you get  _ either _ Yui involved with this, we’re probably going to end up with a repeat of what happened to Halkeginia, only this time I’m pretty sure it’ll be even  _ worse _ ,” Ramiel deadpanned, rubbing her forehead and groaning. “Okay you know what, just- just send Leliel a quick Query Ping and bounce the signal back to me, okay? I swear, it’s so fucked that I’ve got nuclear interactions down in  _ sixteen dimensions _ and I’m still missing the data necessary to make my own black hole!”

_ “Father might also know,” _ Shinji pointed out with an expression that might be described as sly.  _ “...look, he’s been trying to schedule ‘activities’ together and it’s kind of weirding me out... Can I just take him with me when I come over? Maybe he’ll let up?” _

Ramiel made a face. “...Can’t you just ping Leliel?”

_ “She’s on vacation,” _ Shinji shot back.  _ “Didn’t you check the family network? Look, Gendo’s part ADAM just like I am, he’s  _ **_your_ ** _ father too. Please don’t leave me to suffer alone?” _

“Uuuuuuuuuuuuugggggggggggghhhhhhhhh, but he’s so ooooold and grody and  _ awkward _ ,” Ramiel groaned, throwing her head back and kicking her feet, completely losing any maturity she pretended to have and looking for all the world like a rebellious teenage girl who didn’t want to hang out with her weird estranged father. “Please please  _ please _ can you just ping Leliel real quick? It won’t take more than a few minutes and it’s not like anyone else has the math for singularities! I’d even take you asking  _ Mom _ about it!”

Which, coincidentally, was exactly what she was.

Blake found the image amusing like that, snickering quietly even as the rest of her team elbowed her viciously so as to not interrupt the conversation happening.

_ “You will hang out with your father and you will not complain, young lady,”  _ Shinji told her sternly. He made a face.  _ “... _ **_Me_ ** _ but it’s weird to say something like that and mean it.” _

“... I hate you. I hate you so much right now that it’s  _ unreal _ . Wait- hang on, isn’t there  _ another _ Angel with space as her domain added to the family network right now? A uh- what’s her name… Chalaliel?” Ramiel rocked forward in her seat and let her eyes widen with an almost manic glee. “ _ Her _ soul is configured for singularities, isn’t it!?”

_ “Oh, so you don’t check the family network when Leliel goes on vacation, but as soon as  _ **_you_ ** _ need something you’re immediately all over it?” _ Shinji demanded.  _ “For  _ **_shame,_ ** _ Ramiel. I’d say I thought you were better than that, but I’ve seen you around humans and you really aren’t, are you?” _

“You’ll have to excuse me if I don’t want to be bombarded by your mom’s tits in my face every time I check,” Ramiel deadpanned dryly, completely unimpressed by Shinji’s words. “And don’t act like you ever check the network either, mister ‘I almost missed Louise’s wedding because I set my status as do-not-disturb and never changed it’. Fuck outta here with that holier than thou bullshit.”

The projection of Shinji massaged his temples.  _ "Okay. Look. This conversation is rapidly becoming very familiar if viewed from a slightly different end, so I'm going to hang up now, okay? If you want to talk to Chalaliel, call Bardiel, Ireul, or perhaps Raziel. I'll call you back in a few weeks, okay? Okay. Bye. Love you." _

"Love you too," Ramiel snarked as the call winked out. "...Dammit, I hate talking to family." 

“... Ramiel?” Ruby spoke up quietly, raising her hand and trembling slightly as she tried not to pass out from nerves, her face colored a strange mix between chalk white and sickly green. “Can you um…  _ not _ make a black hole on Remnant? I uh… as much as I like blowing things up, I don’t think the planet would  _ survive _ if you did that.”

“That’s so not your color,” Ramiel remarked. “Also, I’m not going to make a black hole on a planet I’m currently  _ on, _ that would be idiotic.”

“By your own admission,  _ you’re _ idiotic,” Weiss spat. “Who’s using your brain cell right this moment?”

“Probably one of the new ones,” Ramiel mentioned. “Not important. Look. I need a specific type of naked singularity - space-aligned Angels can modulate those - that will allow me to siphon my Soul Energy to actually  _ fire _ at full power - toroid core is all well and good, but it’s primarily for  _ tanking, _ not firing...”

“Yeah, you’re bullshit,” Yang summarized.

<>

Pyrrha rubbed her chin thoughtfully as she considered what she was doing. Was it vaguely suicidal? Probably. Was it kind of stupid? Also probably. 

Was it worth it?

Pyrrha looked down at the snoozing form of Neo all but glued to her side, her normally neat and perfect hair turned into a tangled mess of pink and brown and silver in her sleep.

Definitely worth it.

Now, just how was she supposed to justify sleeping with a known petty thief and sometimes assassin to the rest of her organization? A  _ human _ thief/assassin at that.

Before she could do much other than pull her blankets back up around Neo’s shoulders, Sapphire, Pyrrha’s usual secretary, slowly snuck into the tent bearing two trays of breakfast food, winking at Pyrrha as she set them down, sidled out, and immediately began  _ audibly _ collecting bets from everyone else.

Pyrrha sighed, suppressing a jolt of irritation as she just curled back up and pretended the outside world didn’t exist.

Apparently, the rest of the White Fang was pretty on board with her actions if they were cheering and betting on her sex life like that.


	19. The Nineteenth, in Which Ozpin Starts Day Drinking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Penny learned a new word from Nora!
> 
> Ozpin and Ironwood get stupid drunk.
> 
> Ironwood gives Ruby and Weiss the shovel talk.
> 
> Cinder has shit taste in soap operas.
> 
> Oh no???

Professor Ozpin massaged his temples, staring at the unrepentant Angel in front of her. "So what you are effectively telling me, miss Ramiel, is that I somehow managed to  _ miss  _ you being an extradimensional Messenger of a God, that I rationalised away your in hindsight clearly inhuman Aura as nothing more than a quirk, and that your family,  _ somehow,  _ manages to be comprised of entirely the kinds of people under whose watch the entire mess between Salem and myself could have been avoided?"

"Oh don't worry, Headmaster," Ramiel consoled. "I'm sure under our watch there would have been a lot bigger mess instead!" 

“Indeedaroonie!” Penny nodded, having come up and joined Professor Ozpin and General Ironwood at some point and (just barely) prevented both adults from getting sloppy drunk in the middle of the afternoon. Even then, both Ozpin and Ironwood were still at least on their eighth glass of whiskey each, and Ironwood was already off in the corner trying to sleep off the headache that Penny’s new status as “actually alive” was giving him. “Ramiel’s family situation, of which I am now a part of by adoption, is quite good at planetary scale annihilation, lots and lots of generalized chaos, widespread migraines amongst those who still subscribe to the laws of physics, and also a general trend towards bisexual or lesbian harems! Also! I learned a new word! Indeedaroonie!”

“...Who introduced Penny to Nora?” Weiss asked, willfully choosing to ignore pretty much the entire rest of the former android’s ramblings. “Who thought this was a good idea?”

“Sorry, I mentioned that we were coming up and Penny mentioned that she wanted to hang out with the only other ginger that we’re friends with and I guess I wasn’t thinking about it,” Ruby admitted, also choosing to ignore Penny’s ramblings, at least until she started talking again.

“Additionally, I’ve officially added Ciel to my harem,” Penny continued on obliviously, while Ozpin just sank further into his arms and  _ groaned, _ truly wishing more than anything else that he could just leave and take a nap like Ironwood was doing. “Sister Ramiel, did you wish to add your own harem to the family?”

“... They’re more fuckbuddies than an actual harem, Penny,” Ramiel shrugged, then sighed. “Might as well anyway, though. I get the feeling that by the end of my Master’s honeymoon we’re going to need to rebuild the planet and having more native born Angels means less rebuilding and resurrecting time.”

“.... Oh wonderful, I’m going to have to raise humanity  _ again!?” _ Ozpin blurted out, almost sobbing as he forwent his glass of whiskey and just chugged down the entire bottle in one go before immediately passing out and flopping bonelessly to the floor in an unconscious heap.

"...We're probably going to need  _ context  _ for that later," Ramiel decided. 

"Indeed," Ironwood groaned from the corner. "Why don't we take a moment to  _ talk  _ first?" 

"You're drunk, General Ironwood," Penny pointed out. "Do you need me to remotely activate your alcohol scrubbers?" 

"Please," Ironwood agreed. 

“Remotely activating alcohol scrubbers!” Penny cheerfully announced, her eyes glowing for a moment before Ironwood immediately started screaming and rolling around on the ground, kicking his legs frantically as if he were having a seizure.

“... Is… he okay?” Yang asked as Ironwood continued screaming at the top of his lungs, flailing about for a good five minutes without pause. 

“Oh yes, General Ironwood’s alcohol scrubbers merely deliver an excruciating dose of pain to his nervous system as a warning to never pass a certain threshold ever again, as the moment he does, they activate automatically,” Penny responded, the smile never leaving her face as General Ironwood screamed, rolled around on the floor, thrashed around, and then immediately stood up after five minutes as if nothing had ever happened.

"So," he declared. "Why don't we address the Penny in the room? Miss de Valliere,  _ what  _ exactly did you  _ do?  _ And  _ how?"  _

“.... Damn that was the ballsiest shit I’ve ever seen,” Ramiel muttered lowly, staring at Ironwood for a good five seconds before realizing that he’d started talking. “Oh-uh. I turned her sort of half borrowed half fake half real soul into an actual soul. Aaaaaaaaand as to  _ how _ … Well, do you have like six years for me to explain all the actual processes behind generating a Core or can I just say it’s bullshit soul magic and let the subject drop there?”

General Ironwood took a deep breath. He then let it out. “....fine. But I am going to be asking my scientists to check your work over.” 

Then, the Atlesian general turned to the  _ other _ girls in the room. “Now. Miss Rose, Miss Schnee... Is there anything you would like to tell me?”

“.... Um… both of us helped ensure that Penny is no longer a virgin?” Weiss shrugged sheepishly, while Ruby just twiddled her thumbs and blushed heavily when Penny winked and made finger guns at her. “... Or rather, she helped me lose mine, Ruby did most of the work with her, and Ruby apparently had more experience than the both of us despite her professed innocence.”

“I only had the one girlfriend before, I swear!” Ruby cried out, waving her hands about frantically and blushing even harder as Yang snickered into her hand.

“Coulda had more if you ever stopped and paid attention to all the girls thirsting after you, baby sis,” she giggled, completely ignoring Blake’s sigh of defeat and Ruby’s retaliatory middle finger raised in her direction.

Ironwood pinched his brow. “As much as I understand that you all are teenagers and it’s all you can think about, I was  _ not _ in fact asking for details on your sex lives...”

“... Well I can’t possibly think of anything else you’d need to know,” Weiss muttered awkwardly, immediately trying to hide her face in Ruby’s cloak out of sheer embarrassment. “Is there actually anything important we needed to say or am I just going to keep making a fool out of myself?”

The general looked over at Penny, who was happily conversing with Ramiel over the unconscious body of Ozpin. “Mostly I wanted to make sure that you are treating her well. That she is happy with you.  _ That if either of you breaks her heart I will rain the full might of Atlas down on you. _ That she feels safe around you. Things like that.”

“Oooohhhh, it’s the twelve gauge super shotgun sword talk,” Ruby nodded, not at all intimidated by Ironwood’s threat mostly due to the fact that Penny had winked at her again and made her feel all fuzzy and lightheaded (and a little sticky in certain areas) again. “Goootcha.”

Ironwood rolled his eyes. “Yes, well, the threats lose a bit of their impact when Penny herself can hurt you so much more efficiently herself, but I felt I needed to do that,” he groused. “I see her as... not quite as a daughter, but perhaps a beloved niece.”

“Well, regardless of the impact of the threat, the message is received,” Weiss nodded, holding onto Ruby perhaps a bit tighter and in areas that were not quite appropriate for the public. “Both Ruby and I- and I presume you’ve already talked to Ciel about this so I won’t presume to speak for her- promise to treat Penny with as much love and respect that she deserves. Which is a lot.”

Weiss blushed.

“A… a  _ lot _ , a lot.”

“Penny is a precious cinnamon roll too good for this world,” Ruby agreed solemnly. “We’d never treat her with anything less than the respect she deserves, even if she asked.”

“...aside from perhaps one specific scenario,” Weiss added, blushing, “...but you said you didn’t want to know about that one. Sir.”

“... Right. Well. That’s pretty much all I needed to know. If you need me, Penny, I’m going to go have some more drinks, and then pass out in my quarters,” Ironwood nodded resolutely, completely ignoring how Ozpin was still unconscious as he stepped over the drooling man and summarily left to go board his ship, find his secret whiskey, and then day drink the rest of the day away. “Oh, and miss Schnee- your sister’s shore leave begins today. Try to keep her away from any alcohol, or she might attract an…  _ unruly _ crow.”

“.... I have...  _ no _ idea what that means,” Weiss muttered.

“... Wait, does my uncle Qrow want to bang your sister?” Ruby mumbled immediately after, prompting Weiss to immediately smack her upside the head as a reflexive response. “Ow! Weeeeiiiss! Don’t be mean to meeeee!”

“Then don’t jinx it, you dolt!” Weiss hissed. “Do you want our family tree to become as complicated as  _ Ramiel’s? _ ”

“... I mean, if we get married to Penny I think that kind of happens by default?” Ruby shrugged, mentally tracing the paths from what she remembered of Ramiel’s family tree and immediately clutching her head from the sudden migraine. “Owie, no more trying to puzzle out  _ that _ mess in my head again…”

Weiss opened her mouth, considered things, closed it, and rolled her eyes. “You know what,” she declared, “Fuck it. Let’s make out.”

“Woohoo!” Ruby cheered, immediately tackling Weiss to the floor for sloppy gay makeouts, while Yang cheered and Blake just rolled her eyes before dragging Yang away to do questionable things in and to Ozpin’s personal bathroom. 

Penny, to her credit as the newly added “literally only sane person” in the entire Angelic family tree, managed to at least keep her concentration long enough to drag Ozpin back to his personal quarters before joining Ruby and Weiss in defiling the nicely polished floor of Ozpin’s office.

Ramiel, for once, was left as the only one not horny to the point of losing cognitive function.

“...this is  _ such _ a weird feeling,” she decided, before making an about face and wandering back to her dorm.  _ ‘Wonder what my team is up to...’ _

<>

Her team, it turned out, was up to airing out the dorm. She was perfectly content to lean against the doorjamb and just watch them.

“Smells like sex,” she finally commented, leading to the three of them jumping on the spot. “Did I miss a team orgy?”

“If you count your partner bagging Yatsuhashi of Team CFVY and raising the percentage of ‘getting au lait’d’ to 75% between the two of you, then yes,” Ren snarked. “Seriously, are you rubbing off on everyone or what?”

Ramiel opened her mouth to give a sarcastic retort, before thinking back to the orgy in Professor Ozpin’s office and frowning. “...I don’t know,” she finally said, troubled. “...out of curiosity, have any of you felt any hornier lately than before you arrived at Beacon?”

“Oh yeah, loads,” Nora nodded, grinning and twirling a lock of hair around her finger before abruptly rolling her eyes. “But at least Renny and I have the good sense to take it  _ somewhere other than where we all sleep _ .”

“I can’t believe I’m saying this but Nora is somehow the most sexually responsible person on our entire team,” Ren sighed, rubbing his forehead as he finished settling in his new mattress and bedding while Nora made sure every last bit of the room smelled like air freshener and  _ absolutely nothing else _ .

Ramiel looked faintly troubled. "...I just got off a call with my Father, so I'm nowhere near the mood for horny, but... I think it's  _ my  _ fault." 

“.... How in the world is  _ us _ being horny  _ your _ fault?” Ren asked, raising an eyebrow slowly. “Unless you’ve been slipping viagra into all of our food without us noticing, which I find highly doubtful since we’re not walking around with permanent boners all the time.”

"No, I-" The Angel looked embarrassed. "Remember how I told all of you that my Soul was  _ massive?"  _

“Yes…?” Nora sort of answered, looking more confused as to the direction Ramiel was taking this. “What, are you saying that your soul is so big it accidentally started pushing your libido onto us through osmosis or something?”

Ramiel winced. "...maybe? Look, I know people here can be unreasonably horny - Coco and Velvet were long before I even  _ met _ them - but I literally just walked away from an orgy in Ozpin's office, and immediately after Ren asks if I'm rubbing off on people, so... Maybe?" 

“Well, to be fair, sex is a great way to make enough positive emotions to lower the probability of Grimm attacks,” Ren shrugged, sniffing the air again before immediately stripping down to his underwear and heading for the bathroom. “Excuse me, I need to go scrub off a few layers of skin. I think I got some of Jaune and Yatsuhashi’s…  _ mess _ on me.”

Ramiel snapped her fingers. "That's right! Partner. Buddy. Pal." She turned towards Jaune, grinning. "I need  _ all  _ the details." 

Jaune looked up from where he’d been duct taped to the wall, so as to be unable to interfere with the cleaning process. “Can I uh… abstain from that for now? I’d kinda like to take a shower after Ren’s done. And do my laundry. And get an ice pack for my ass.”

Ramiel snorted. "...okay, so that's one way to give details," she snickered. "We have semifinals tomorrow, right?" 

“Yeah, you’re up against Yang, apparently. So give ‘em a good show- she’s strong enough to actually be worth the effort,” Jaune nodded, then winced and whimpered a bit as the duct tape pulled at his hair. “Hmm… I don’t think I’m getting out of this without a really embarrassing waxing pattern…”

"Just flare your Aura," Ramiel suggested. "It's certainly versatile enough to pull you out of there, I think...." 

Jaune groaned. 

<>

“So….” Pyrrha murmured, feeling quite awkward as she stared at Cinder from the other side of the thick, ventilated glass wall between them, eyeing the multitude of guns and Aura suppression systems present in and around the cell. “You look… comfortable.”

Cinder just rolled her eyes and curled up deeper into her twin sized cot, completely ignoring Pyrrha in favor of gorging herself on a tub of ice cream and watching daytime soap operas on the TV screen embedded in the wall.

“... I’d like to ask you some questions about what Salem’s plans are,” Pyrrha tried again, this time receiving a single middle finger raised in her direction. “... Alright, fair enough.”

She continued watching Cinder for a few more minutes, pursing her lips and just sighing to herself until-

“NO! RONALDO!” Cinder cried out, throwing her head back in anguish as a very handsome and tanned man was slapped across the face and thrown out of a lavish mansion. “YOU ALMOST HAD HER! ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS PULL YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS AND TELL HER YOU LOVE HER! YOU WERE SO CLOSE YOU HANDSOME STUPID BASTARD!” 

“... This is ridiculous,” Pyrrha sighed, facepalming and groaning to herself as she walked away, completely disgusted at how far Cinder had fallen in such a short time- Really, there were so many great soap operas out there that she could have watched and she chose Stormy Nights in Vacuo City?

Absolutely disgusting.

Oh, and eating ice cream in bed. That was gross too, but Neo did it anyway- though Neo at least managed to keep herself from dripping all over the sheets, unlike Cinder’s pathetic depressed ass.

Shame about her not getting any information about Salem out of Cinder, but far be it from her to interrupt a woman’s soaps. Even if said woman had the literal worst taste in soap operas on the entire continent.


	20. The Twentieth, in Which Ramiel Punches Yang in the Boobs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ramiel and Yang brawl in the semifinals.
> 
> Yang prepares to commit her first act of public indecency.
> 
> Pyrrha finds out more about Salem's conspiracy.
> 
> Oh no.

“AND NOW,” Professor Port rumbled from his commentator booth, “IN THIS FIRST MATCH OF THE SEMIFINALS, WE HAVE AN ESPECIALLY EXCITING MATCHUP FOR YOU TODAY! IN ONE CORNER, WE HAVE THE HOTTEST HOTSHOT OF THE YEAR, THE WHY OF TEAM RWBY,  **YANG! XIAO! LONG!** ”

“YEAH!” Yang cheered as she stepped out onto the stage, waving her arms and welcoming the cheers, catcalls, and flushing a bit at the sheer amount of panties and bras thrown down into the pit surrounding the arena. 

“AND IN THE OTHER CORNER! THE POWERHOUSE OF POWERHOUSES, THE LEADER OF TEAM RNJR,  **RAMIEL! DE LA VALLIERE!”**

Ramiel strode onto the stage moments after Yang, grinning cockily despite the immediate surge of boos that rang out through the stadium at the sight of her.

“Gee, tough crowd, huh?” Yang asked rhetorically, rolling her eyes as Ramiel only made welcoming motions, as if the various jeers and insults were praise. “You know that’s only making it worse, right?”

“...Yang, I’m the  _ heel _ here,” Ramiel deadpanned. “Also, I’m  _ absolutely _ going to give them a show this time~!”

“Stripping is going to end up with you disqualified, you realize that?” Yang shot back, grinning widely. “Don’t think I’m gonna go down without a fight  _ this _ time!”

“Oh, I know you’re not going down without a fight,” Ramiel grinned, then immediately dropped into a defensive stance- right as Professor Port shouted-

“BEGIN!”

“HIYAH!” Yang screamed as she dashed forward, blowing holes in the steel plated floor of the arena with the sheer force of her assisted launch, Ember Celica blazing on her wrists as she swung forward and struck Ramiel’s forearms with an almighty  _ GONG _ , the sound echoing around the stadium like wind chimes made of glass.

Ramiel grinned viciously back as her AT Field flared to life, shining with brilliant orange hexagons around her body before vanishing in an instant. On the massive screen above the arena, her Aura meter changed subtly- so subtly that barely anyone noticed until the two began fighting in earnest.

The infinity symbol had changed to a 100.

“C’mon Yang, gimme all you got!” Ramiel shouted, dodging Yang’s followup swing and jabbing the other girl in the ribs with her left fist, twirling out of the way of the retaliatory knee strike as she used her soul to fling her back. “I know you’re stronger than that!”

Yang’s own grin only became sharper, more vicious as she charged forth with the full intent of  _ beating _ Ramiel, her muscles flexing under her skin as she charged her punch and swung-! 

Only to miss as Ramiel flipped out of the way at the last second, using Yang as a springboard to go over the blonde’s head and leave her punch striking nothing but empty air- at least until Ember Celica triggered and flung Yang backwards fast enough to slam her free elbow directly into Ramiel’s airborne face.

“Gah! My nose!”

“... What, you actually feel pain now?” Yang asked, raising her eyebrow as Ramiel landed, clutching her nose as the sound of Aura meters ticking down revealed that both her and Yang had dropped each other into the upper eighties with only one exchange. 

“Thought it’d only be fair, since we’re friends n’ all,” Ramiel responded cheekily, then dashed forward with a shouted battlecry on her lips. “NOW STAND STILL AND LEMME PUNCH YOU IN THE BOOBS!”

“Shit shit shit shit shit I thought Ruby was joking about that!” Yang muttered under her breath, throwing herself forward as well and meeting Ramiel in the center of the arena, trading blows as fast as she could throw them- blocking Ramiel’s kicks with her knees, breaking her guard for even a second with a flurry of punches, throwing out a series of low kicks only to be repelled in turn by Ramiel’s returning kicks.

The two of them traded blows, staying in close with each other and blocking, deflecting, throwing off each other’s punches and kicks even as the repeated impacts began digging into their Aura, dropping them down tick by tick as Ramiel and Yang resorted to increasingly more creative ways to try and land a solid hit.

Ramiel stood on her hands, swinging her legs back at Yang and pushing forward while Yang deflected the awkward kicks with her forearm, wincing in pain at the speed and weight behind each attack. Yang returned the favor by cratering the ground around Ramiel, pelting her with a storm of shrapnel and beaning her upside the head with a steel plate the size of a car.

“OOH, AND THAT ONE  _ HAS _ TO HURT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!” Port announced as Ramiel flew away from the force of the impact, twirling end over end until she slid to a halt right at the edge of the floating octagon they were fighting on. 

“Tch, nice hit,” Ramiel muttered as she stood up, cracking her neck and immediately dodging out of the way as Yang began flinging massive screaming shotgun rounds at her, the air blooming with light and heat as the rounds exploded and showered deadly shrapnel down at mach speeds, just barely missing Ramiel as the Angel slid out of the way. 

Even then, Yang continued firing more and more explosive rounds, smoke and ash drifting through the air as the arena floor gained a texture not unlike a field of caltrops from the sheer amount of razor sharp shrapnel now embedded into the plating. Ramiel breathed harshly, tapping her core as she avoided Yang’s shots and, with a twist of her soul, sent her own projectile back- another car sized chunk of arena plating, thrown like a frisbee directly into Yang’s gut.

As the massive hunk of steel shattered on impact, Yang screamed- not in pain, but in fury. The ground erupted around her as her Semblance activated, an aura of heat and light and fire that made her seem as though she were a goddess of war, hair glowing, eyes burning red, her entire body releasing steam from the sheer heat roiling within her heart.

“Yeah! That’s more like it you fiery bitch! Come and get me!” Ramiel screamed in response, her own hair glowing with shining light as she slammed her fists together and unleashed her own aura of shimmering orange hexagons. “COME AND GET ME!”

<>

“Well…” Yang groaned as she rubbed her heavily bruised and bandaged face. “I came. And I got some.”

“And also got punted into low orbit,” Ruby mentioned calmly, reviewing the footage of Ramiel ending the fight by punching Yang in the boobs with an uppercut so powerful Yang managed to punch through the cloud cover. At mach two.

“I did give as good as I got, didn’t I?” Yang argued. “I mean, I  _ actually _ put a dent in her Aura!”

“You do realize that she  _ let _ you do that, right?” Weiss snarked. “Because she absolutely let you do that.”

“...let me have my  _ moment, _ Weiss,” Yang pouted.

“Fine, fine, congratulations on knocking the single most invincible person on the planet down into the orange because she wanted to give the audience a proper show for once,” Weiss continued snarking, sticking her tongue out at Yang even as the other girl flipped her off with the one arm that wasn’t in a cast. 

“You got super fucked up near the end, though,” Blake deadpanned, not willing to let Yang’s ego get  _ too _ big. “Which I’m sure you’re aware of given that you’re covered in bruises and somehow managed to break your arm. How did you manage that anyway?”

“... I don’t wanna talk about it,” Yang muttered, looking away and blushing in embarrassment. 

“She tripped and fell on her way to the infirmary and her Aura broke because she was at two percent after Ramiel caught her,” Ruby explained, showing Blake and Weiss pictures of Yang, already bruised, sitting on the ground and holding her arm. “Turns out getting launched into low orbit really burns through Aura.”

Yang huffed and screwed up her already indignant expression even further as she moved her middle finger to point at Ruby instead. “I’d like to point out that I lost because of a ring out technicality, not because of my Aura level. I didn’t drop into the red until  _ after _ I came back down.”

"Most of her indignation isn't because she lost from a ring-out," Ruby stage-whispered, "It's because she lost  _ at all."  _

Yang’s attempts to catch her insolent little sister were slightly stymied by the rest of her team openly snickering at her. 

“I hate you all,” Yang groused, flipping them all off before flopping down into her pillows. “Just let me suffer in peace until my Aura pops back.”

"You kidding?" Ruby asked. "The Coco vs Penny match begins in twenty minutes, there's  _ no way  _ I'm missing it!" 

“Oh jeez, you’re right,” Yang muttered, immediately pushing herself up and groaning as the motion pulled at her bandages. “There’s no way I’m missing this. Someone get Jaune. I need an Aura boost so I can heal this shit the fast way.”

Weiss rolled her eyes. "Jaune is not your personal medic, Yang. Come on. You can sit between Blake and I." 

“We’re sitting with Team RNJR anyway, might as well let the doofus heal me,” Yang protested, leaning against Blake and supporting herself with her good arm as she headed for the door. “C’mon, it’s not like he’d really mind, right? He’s a medic, it’s literally his  _ job _ to heal idiots like me.”

"I'm in favor of the healing," Blake offered, a faint blush on her face. 

Weiss rolled her eyes. "You just want to be fingered in the middle of the match, don't you?" 

"It would be in support of Coco!" the Faunus defended, still blushing. 

Ruby snickered. "Well, Weiss and I support Penny, so you're not getting much help from us, you know?" 

“Hmph, suit yourselves then.  _ I _ have needs that need to be attended to,” Blake snorted haughtily, turning away from Ruby and Weiss before throwing a peace sign back at them over her shoulder. “So yeah, I’m gonna go get Jaune to heal Yang’s arm real quick bye~”

Ruby and Weiss looked at each other, held gazes for a second, and burst into laughter.

After a few minutes of helpless giggling, the pair of them followed the other half of their team out into the stands, where Jaune was indeed healing Yang’s arm- though he was also quite viciously chastising her for somehow managing to fall down a flight of  _ three steps _ despite having full control of her body and no debilitating conditions other than a low Aura.

“See,” Ruby couldn’t resist but to poke in with, “This is why I drink _milk!_ So my bones are strong and full of calcium and stuff!”

Yang responded by using her newly-healed arm to flip Ruby off. Again.

The rest of Team RNJR was snickering at them, with the exclusion of Ramiel, who was just looking towards the arena with a furrowed brow.

Ruby sidled up to her. “Sup?”

The Angel looked extremely conflicted. “...who the hell do I support?”

“Oh yeah, that’s your sister and your sort of girlfriend fighting down there,” Ruby nodded, then huffed a bit and shrugged. “Well, Weiss and I are supporting Penny, Yang is probably gonna be racking up a public indecency charge in support of Coco… and so is half the rest of the school it looks like- do people really like Coco  _ that _ much?”

“She  _ is _ one of the school’s go to poster-girls whenever Ozpin does recruitment drives,” Ren murmured from Ramiel’s other side, pulling out a brochure with Coco proudly emblazoned on top. “And I’ve seen some old polls on the Beacon network where Coco has consistently been voted the number one most attractive girl on campus- unofficially, at least. Also, considering that Ramiel’s libido is probably infecting the entire school, it’s really not surprising that everyone’s either getting ready to do some kind of sexually explicit act in public, or flash their boobs. I already had to talk Nora down from that, even.”

“Ooh,  _ I _ can flash my boobs,” the Angel brightened. "Coco's gonna  _ love  _ that!" 

"She  _ would _ ," Ren snarked, "which means you're banned from that. On a related note, your partner and her partner are both supporting Penny." 

"...why would Yatsuhashi cheer for Penny and not Coco?" Ruby asked curiously. 

"Him and Jaune decided that they do  _ not  _ want to see a battle between Ramiel and Coco," Ren deadpanned. "I must say that I agree. That's a situation just  _ begging  _ for another public indecency charge." 

"Yeah, fair point," Ruby agreed, ignoring Ramiel’s indignant 'hey!' behind her. "If I wasn't supporting Penny already I'd support her on principle now..." 

“Let’s just pay attention to the match- it’s starting already,” Weiss muttered, palming her face quietly and pointing back at the arena.

<>

“So… Arthur Watts is still alive,” Pyrrha murmured quietly as she sat outside Cinder’s cell once more, having managed to pry some manner of information out of the depressed woman’s hands by convincing the prison guards to give her access to a wider selection of ice cream and bringing over a few boxed sets of soap opera DVDs for her to watch. “Though, Tyrian Callows is actually dead- apparently his corpse was found by General Ironwood somewhere inside Beacon.”

"Callows could be faking," came a muffled reply through the microphones. "He's absolutely done it before." 

"Apparently someone stepped in him," Pyrrha countered. "Quite literally. He was found with a bootprint at the other end of the hole in his chest." 

"...Good riddance to bad rubbish," Cinder replied through another mouthful of ice cream, "but I absolutely don't want to meet whoever  _ did  _ that to him. Hey Nikos?" 

"What is it, Cinder?" Pyrrha asked politely. 

"Yeah, I can be even  _ more _ cooperative if you could convince your  _ girlfriend  _ to  _ stop stealing my ice cream,  _ wink wink," came a snarky reply from within the cell. 

“Wh- huh?” Pyrrha paused, looked around, noted the distinctive lack of her ice cream obsessed significant other by her side (or in private, under her skirt), then noticed the slight distortion moving around inside of Cinder’s cell. “W- Neo! Get out of there right now! I’ll  _ buy _ you ice cream on the way back!”

The distortion only giggled and vanished, reappearing at her side with a shattering of glass to reveal Neo, smirking smugly at Cinder, who simply flipped her off with both hands.


	21. The Twenty-First, In Which Penny Fights Coco

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Second half of Vytal Festival semifinals and Penny kicks ass!
> 
> Ramiel is astounded. Math is discussed.
> 
> Pyrrha teams up with Raven.
> 
> Oh no.

"AND WELCOME BACK," Professor Port boomed, "TO THE SECOND MATCH OF THE DAY, AND THE OTHER HALF OF THE VYTAL FESTIVAL SEMIFINALS!" 

"The contestants of this match are from different Kingdoms this time," Doctor Oobleck exposited from right next to him. "From Atlas we have the wondrous, optimistic Penny Polendina, with her expertise on puppeteering multiple swords simultaneously, earning her all her victories so far! But will that skill hold up against her opponent?" 

Penny skipped onto the stage below, saluting happily. "Salutations, girlfriend of mine Sister! I look forward to the wonderful combat ahead!" 

"INDEED," Port rumbled, "FOR HER OPPONENT IS NONE OTHER THAN BEACON’S VERY OWN POSTER CHILD, THE VERY LOVELY AND VERY DEADLY COCO ADEL!" 

"Hey there, squirt," was Coco's laid-back response. "I like your spunk! Too bad I can't go easy on you, yknow?" 

"Oh, I understand completely!" Penny chirped. "I wouldn't want to hold back either. I'm combat ready!" 

"ARE THE COMBATANTS READY?" came Port's voice like thunder from the sky. "THEN! THREE! TWO! ONE! BEGIN!!!" 

Immediately, Penny unfurled her brace of swords and leapt forwards, dashing at Coco with impossible speed. Her form blurred as she crossed the distance, cratering the newly repaired plating of the arena floor with every footfall as she literally ran circles around her opponent. 

“WHAT’S THIS!? PENNY POLENDINA CHANGES FROM HER PREVIOUS TACTICS AND HAS ADOPTED AN ENTIRELY NEW STRATEGY! INSPIRED!”

As Penny continued circling around Coco, she sped up more and more, her entire body becoming barely more than a green blur that kicked up a great cloud of dust before-

“Ha!” Coco laughed as she caught Penny’s kick with the side of her handbag, buckling a bit under the force but standing strong. “Almost, but not good enough!”

“I will revise my combat routines accordingly,” Penny chirped, flipping back and dashing at Coco again, this time striking out with a dizzying display of punches and palm strikes that Coco only just barely managed to weave through, deflecting every punch and turning away every palm strike until she threw her bag into the air, whereupon it transformed and came crashing down between Penny and Coco and shifted back into its previous form- right in time for Coco to kick up and forward and send the two ton handbag directly into Penny’s face.

“Ooh! That’s got to hurt!” came Oobleck’s commentary as Penny flew backwards from the sheer impact of the strike, her Aura dipping noticeably even as orange hexagons flickered in front of her face before shifting back into green whorls of turbulent energy.

Coco only smirked, flipping her hair back as she caught her bag out of the air and cracked her neck, following her decisive strike by unfurling her Gianduja out once again and unleashing a horrendous torrent of bullets downrange, her Aura crackling and spitting as her Semblance activated and sent the already lethal bullets flying even faster, their impacts charged up to the point that the arena floor and shields began erupting with a multitude of high energy impacts.

Penny turned and reoriented herself in midair right as Coco fired, though, yanking herself out of the way with a graceful cartwheel assisted by a pair of her swords before swiftly arcing around the edge of the stage once again, following the curve and dashing at incredible speeds before sliding  _ under _ the endless hail of bullets following her motion and spiraling back into Coco’s position once again. 

Another brief melee formed in that time, Coco abandoning Gianduja to the side as she and Penny traded blows with extreme skill, flurries of punches and kicks, knee strikes, elbow strikes, palm strikes, flips and throws all applied with maximum force.

Eventually, though, Coco forced Penny away with a heavy double punch, throwing the other girl to the other side of the arena and dropping her Aura solidly into the orange while Coco’s remained firmly yellow.

“I see. Analysis complete. Adapting combat routines.” Penny murmured as she rolled her neck, joints creaking slightly as she withdrew her swords and took up a…  _ strange _ stance. One hand up near her face, the other held forward, her legs bent to lower her center of gravity. She swayed slightly as she waved her arms side to side, almost acting as if she were-

“... Drunk…?” Coco murmured, taking in the way Penny’s movements abruptly shifted. “... No,  _ Suiken!?” _

“Affirmative! I’m combat- hic!- ready!” Penny grinned and immediately dashed forward once again, screaming her head off as she began throwing an utterly unpredictable flurry of attacks, at multiple points completely unbalancing herself only to strike Coco from odd angles, grabbing her clothes, her hair, even ripping her shirt sleeves off until-

“... I-”

“... Oops!”

“COULD SOMEBODY PLEASE GET MISS ADEL A NEW SHIRT?” Professor Port sighed, his voice tinged with exasperation as Penny accidentally tore off the entire front half of Coco’s top. “PREFERABLY  _ BEFORE _ WE HAVE TO CUT THE BROADCAST?”

Coco  _ sighed, _ groaning quietly and thanking her lucky stars that she’d chosen to wear a sports bra today instead of something lacier. Or racier. Or just nothing at all.

Penny, meanwhile, only blushed bright red and covered her face, steaming as the time out was called and a few uniformed referees quickly gave Coco a temporary replacement tank top.

“ALRIGHT, NOW THAT  _ THAT’S _ TAKEN CARE OF. BEGIN! AGAIN!”

“I’m so, so sorry about your shirt,” Penny mumbled, just loud enough for Coco to hear as she began attacking again, her form slightly stilted from her embarrassment but still enough that Coco couldn’t land a solid hit, even with her handbag now firmly in her possession once again. “I will buy you a replacement after the match!”

“Just- gah!” Coco yelped as one of Penny’s punches clipped her side, the strike landing with more force than should have been possible and dropping her Aura almost into the red. “Don’t worry bout it, I got a few extras in my closet already!”

“Still, I’m very sorry! Mostly for what I’m about to do to you!” Penny cried out, weaving around Coco’s next few strikes before wrapping her hands around Coco’s wrist, twirling around, and  _ throwing _ Coco away from her, twisting around and orienting herself before her entire brace of swords extended, folded, and began orbiting around her before-

“AND PENNY POLENDINA WINS BY A KNOCK OUT!” Professor Port announced, the entire crowd cheering along as Penny blasted Coco across the stage with a massive green laser, completely dropping her Aura into the single percent digits and winning her the match.

Penny bowed towards Coco’s insensate form, smiling softly even as her Aura meter immediately flashed back to a full green moments later- just as Ramiel’s had one match before. “Thank you for a  _ very _ good fight.”

<>

“Penny,” Ramiel said carefully, staring her sister in the eye, “I understand that playing around with new toys is  _ fun _ and all, but please try to explain to me  _ what the fuck were you actually doing with your Soul over there? _ ”

“Maths!” the robot chirped. “I cannot wait to fight you in the finals, Sister Ramiel - I have  _ so _ many ideas I cannot wait to try!”

“...I’m just about the  _ best _ at maths,” Ramiel deadpanned, “And I  _ barely _ followed along. What the Hell were you  _ doing!? _ ”

“ _ Advanced _ maths,” Penny beamed. “I commend your ability to actually follow along, Sister Ramiel, but you’re still just an organic being! I’m an android!”

Ramiel stared.  _ “How fast are you  _ **_thinking?_ ** _ ” _

Penny tapped her chin. “Fast! I may or may not have expanded processors into higher dimensions for most optimal computing power, sooooooo... fast!”

“Numbers, Penny,” Ramiel deadpanned. “Gimme numbers.”

“...How many FLOPS does an average Angel calculate?” Penny asked curiously.

The Angel of Thunder scratched her head. "Yeah, I don't think we measure our calculations in floating-point arithmetic, Penny. ...Actually, I'm not sure what we measure them in, now that I think about it... Wait,  _ you _ measure in FLOPS! What's your modifier? Tera? Peta?" 

"Yotta." 

Ramiel blinked. "...Sorry?" 

"YottaFLOPS," Penny repeated, grinning. "Septillions of floating-point calculations per second. Forty five point three zero five five six two zero one septillion calculations per second, or 45.31 YFLOPS if you round up. I think I can go even faster if I wrap a few more dimensions in there, but the maths for  _ that  _ is a bit farther down the queue..."

Ramiel blinked. Did some maths. Blinked again. "...Holy shit I'm going to have to  _ actually  _ fight you don't I."

"Probably!" Penny agreed cheerfully. "Hey Sister Ramiel?" 

"...Yeah?" Ramiel asked, still distracted with actually calculating her odds and coming up slightly worried. "What is it?" 

"Do all Angels just  _ know  _ what their Angel name is or is that a new thing?" the machine Angel inquired. "Also can I keep calling myself Penny?" 

“Yes, and if you want to, also yes,” Ramiel answered with a shrug, scratching her head as her soul pulsed against Penny’s. “What  _ is _ your Angel name anyway? And also… um. Hm. That’s… weird.”

“What’s weird?” Penny asked, tilting her heard curiously to the side. “Also, I believe my new name is Uriel, though I still prefer Penny.”

“Nice name- anyway, what’s weird is your energy output,” Ramiel stated, poking Penny’s core and squinting at it oddly as she moved her soul around in a few different spatial dimensions to prod at Penny’s generators. “Your generators are…  _ astonishingly _ efficient- hell, they might actually be as efficient as mine and mine are the literal best outside of Zeruel’s when she overclocks. But… your actual output level is restricted. By a  _ lot _ . Like, so much so that you probably couldn’t even scratch my AT Field at max output if you go for energy based attacks. That’s…  _ not _ normal.”

“To be fair-” Penny pointed out calmly, poking Ramiel’s core in return and scanning her generators. “I have already picked my specialty as a  _ research _ Angel, as opposed to everyone else’s mainly attack based Angels. Like Leliel! But instead of dimensional physics- which is a  _ fascinating _ subject by the way, I simply  _ must _ converse with her about that- it is pure mathematics such that I might serve the family by unlocking methods by which to generate  _ even more _ power by accessing even higher dimensions.”

“... Well that explains why your soul modulation takes up like ninety percent of your energy budget,” Ramiel muttered, poking Penny’s AT Field and blinking as it activated in a field of rainbow tinged orange hexagons. “Ooo… yours is  _ really _ strong. Hey by the way, when we actually fight do you wanna go all out or do you want to still at least pretend we’re still human?”

Penny pondered that for a moment. "...Going all out is fun..." she mused. "...And I'm  _ really  _ not sure if anyone still believes either of us is actually human... Let's go all out! I bet it will be  _ sen- _ sational!" 

"'till tomorrow then," Ramiel nodded. "I'm gonna go give Coco her 'sorry you lost' fuckparty, I think she should have woken up by now... What're you gonna do?" 

"I will warn General Ironwood," Penny replied promptly. "And then I will find my own harem. Until then!" 

She saluted, and  _ zipped  _ away. Ramiel was left blinking at her outline. 

"I can't tell if she's gonna be  _ fun  _ or  _ absolutely terrifying  _ to fight," the Angel murmured. "...still can't wait though." 

<>

“You know, Banesaw, I can’t help but feel like we might be a bit in over our heads,” Pyrrha murmured quietly as the entire camp packed up and prepared for war. “Not that we’re not trained for battle, but I still can’t help but think that letting a bunch of barely young adults who’ve spent more time as petty criminals and mercenaries try to launch a siege on a citadel full of Grimm is a bad idea. Especially since we kind of… don’t know where it is right now.”

“You have a point,” the large Faunus rumbled. “But what else can we do? We do not have enough legitimacy yet to request Huntsman assistance, and the channels which would give it to us are the ones employing us as off-the-books mercenaries...”

Pyrrha frowned. “Isn’t this kind of situation exactly the kind of thing I steered everyone  _ away _ from in the first place?”

“The teeth of fate bite in mysterious ways,” Banesaw answered. “We are no longer working  _ for _ the Grimm, after all.”

“I don’t like it,” Pyrrha declared. “I don’t like it one bit.”

“Well, look at it this way- at least the High Leader approves of it,” Banesaw shrugged, shouldering his massive chainsaw after giving it a good polish. “And at least the High Leader is looking into getting us some help from the bandit clans on Anima.”

“Yes, the bandits who deal in getting rid of Huntsmen and avoiding Grimm altogether,” Pyrrha snarked. “Unless we end up getting the Branwen tribe, I’m not holding out much hope.”

“Congratulations, you ended up getting the Branwen tribe,” another voice deadpanned from a few feet away, revealing a very pale woman with segmented crimson armor and a very deadly looking set of Dust Odachi blades hanging in a rotating quiver at her waist. She stood next to Qrow, who just looked extremely tired and more than a bit like he desperately needed a drink. “So you’re in charge around here, Fall Maiden?”

“You know,” Pyrrha deadpanned, “For whatever reason I thought the Maiden thing was a secret or something. Yes, I’m Regional Commander Pyrrha Nikos of the White Fang. Raven Branwen, I presume?”

“Yes, this is my annoying sister,” Qrow deadpanned, groaning as Raven just smacked him upside the head and proceeded to glow slightly. “And apparently, the Spring Maiden.”

“I can introduce myself,  _ brother _ ,” Raven hissed, her eyes glowing slightly brighter as she quite visibly fought the urge to punch her annoying brother right in the dick. “So stop talking for me like we’re kids or I really will castrate you this time.”

  
Pyrrha rolled her eyes. “Well, at least we can’t go wrong with  _ two _ Maidens instead of just one. Welcome to the team, Raven.”


	22. The Twenty-Second, In Which The Final Battle Of The Vytal Festival Happens

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ozpin worries about Amity Arena integrity. Glynda contemplates taking up drinking.
> 
> Ramiel fights Penny. It is suitably Epic.
> 
> ...Oh no.

“You know, I’m pretty sure that considering Miss Polendina and Miss Ramiel’s current species and status, we might be looking at widespread mass destruction within the next hour or so,” Ozpin stated idly as he watched the feed from the stadium, where various sponsor ads played while the finalists prepared for battle. 

Thank goodness that they’d decided to host the finals on the last day of the festival instead of having it be the same day as the semifinals. Cleaning up after both Ramiel and Penny’s matches had been…  _ tense _ for Glynda.

Fortunately, Glynda’s telekinesis was more than powerful enough to put everything back to sorts… even if fixing some sixty thousand bullet holes had given her a wicked headache the other day.

"I already asked James for some military grade hardware," the woman deadpanned. "He was all too glad to oblige." 

"...do you believe that would  _ help?"  _ Ozpin asked dubiously. 

"No," Glynda sighed, "but I can always  _ hope."  _

“True enough. I suppose we can always hope that Miss Polendina manages to reign in Ramiel’s more destructive impulses while they fight.” Ozpin murmured, honestly expecting nothing else other than maybe a lot of explosions and probably having to empty Beacon’s entire budget into stadium repairs when either Angel inevitably went overboard.

"Okay,  _ that one  _ I'm not holding out any hope for," Glynda snarked. 

Down below, the two combatants were holding a conversation while they waited for the match to begin. 

"Sister Ramiel?" Penny asked. "Is it normal to be  _ this  _ excited about the prospect of unleashing your full potential?" 

"Yes," Ramiel answered, "but let's not go  _ full  _ full Angel - I kinda don't wanna explain that one to the crowd and all..." 

The android pouted. "Aw  _ nuts!"  _ She then brightened. "But let's go as far as our human forms allow instead! That should be fantastic!" 

Ramiel raised an eyebrow, grinning. "Oh,  _ believe me,  _ it is. Hey, I think the ads are done. You think you're ready?" 

Penny saluted, also grinning. "I'm combat ready!" 

Above, in the commentators' booth, Professor Port was finishing up himself. 

**"...AND BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY THAT OUR FINALISTS NEED NO FURTHER INTRODUCTION THAN THEIR PREVIOUS MATCHES COULD COME UP WITH! IN THE RIGHT, RAMIEL OF BEACON! IN THE LEFT, PENNY OF ATLAS! READY?** **_BEGIN!"_ **

“THERMAL CANNON!” Ramiel immediately shouted as the match buzzer rang, throwing herself up and into the air as the space between her hands glowed brightly before blasting out a hellishly bright crimson beam that swept across the arena tiles like a laser pointer of death. 

Penny, even in the face of the massive red laser carving a molten trail across the arena towards her, remained calm. A smile lit up her face as she danced out of the way of the beam and deployed her swords, spinning them around her arm as she held her palm forward and returned fire with-

“PLASMA CASTER!”

-a verdant arc of lightning that snapped and crackled through the air until it splashed against Ramiel’s shields, detonating violently into a storm of electricity that heated the air in the stadium by several degrees, only matched by the delayed explosion of Ramiel’s thermal cannon a moment later.

“Ha! My shields are way too tough for your output!” Ramiel taunted, landing and wiping soot from her cheek as she charged another attack with both hands. Crimson orbs of light appeared once again, while spinning, humming,  _ screeching _ sapphires formed a dizzying array of fractal geometries behind her. “Let’s see if your shields can stand up to my output, baby sis! HURRICANE WAVE!”

“That name makes no sense at all!” Penny retorted, immediately springing to the side as Ramiel unleashed a burning wave of nuclear fire in her direction, the array behind her back following the initial burst with a barrage of homing bolts that struck down against Penny’s shields.

Penny yelped as the bolts struck home, deflecting them with a wave of her hand as her swords began spinning up again. “EMERALD SPLASH!”

“Oh come on that’s just plagiarism!” Ramiel shouted, continuing to fire her barrage from the array behind her back as Penny unleashed her own, crimson and emerald orbs of light smashing into each other in midair before exploding like sparkling fireworks between the two. “At least make your own attack names! METEOR IMPACT!”

Penny only laughed brightly at Ramiel’s ribbing, walking forward even as Ramiel shifted parts of her array to fire a twin pair of beams directly into the sky, her own sword array folding away as Penny simply picked up two slabs from the arena floor, heaving them out of the ground with a scream of tortured steel and shearing metal before hucking them straight at Ramiel’s face like a pair of truck sized frisbees.

“Oh come on not aga- GACK!” Ramiel blurted out, rocking backwards as both slabs slammed into her face simultaneously and sent her flying through the air, rolling uncontrollably until she fell in a heap at the edge of the arena. Penny only laughed again, snickering at Ramiel’s dramatic fall as she walked forward, then immediately paused, squinted up at the sky, and took a step back.

Right as a massive orb of light slammed down where she was before and exploded with enough force to outshine the sun for a few moments.

“I  _ almost _ forgot about that!” Penny grinned, her Aura meter having dipped noticeably from tanking the full force of the explosion- as well as protecting the arena so that the entire floating stadium wouldn’t have a hole blown through it. “Very clever, big sis! Forcing me to waste Aura on making sure the Arena won’t explode was an inspired battle tactic!”

“Oww…. I think you broke my nose…” Ramiel whined quietly, sitting up and resetting her nose with a sickening crunch as her Aura meter flashed, dipping all the way into the orange level just from having taken both slabs to the face. “I think. I lowered my shield a little too much.”

“No, really?” Penny deadpanned slightly, noting the sheer difference between their respective Aura levels on the screen. Even with Penny lowering her shield, she was still firmly in the green despite having been at the epicenter of a massive explosion.

“Y’know what, roll with it,” Ramiel shrugged, then hopped back to her feet, rolled her neck, and immediately blasted Penny in the face with a high precision beam she’d hidden beneath her body. “SNIPER BOLT!”

“Wah!” Penny returned eloquently, taking the bolt to her chest and immediately crumpling as her shield flickered to life around her, preventing the beam from damaging her at the cost of dropping her Aura into the lower yellow range. “Sneaky!”

“Heh! Didn’t expect that, did you?” Ramiel taunted, pumping her fist and hopping on her toes as Penny stumbled back to her feet and brushed the soot from her clothes. “Y’know what, I don’t even care anymore! Penny, let’s settle this with one last beam clash!”

“Affirmative!” Penny grinned, eyes glowing ominously as her entire soul shield flickered to life- and shattered into a million pieces, leaving her with barely a few layers left in her active field. “Ninety nine percent power diverted to attack systems! Output raised by twelve thousand percent! I am combat ready!”

“Let’s do this! KAAAAAAA! MEEEEEEE! HAAAAAAA! MEEEEE!” Ramiel screamed out, the air around her  _ screaming _ as she charged up an absolutely massive beam, glowing a brilliant cyan blue with a core of hellish red as she held it between her hands.

“If you insist on being a hypocrite then fine!” Penny stuck her tongue out in good humor, matching Ramiel’s wide grin with her own as she charged her own attack, building a massive glow of golden light in her hands and releasing at the same time as Ramiel. “FINAL! FLAAAAAAAASH!!!!!”

“HAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!”

“RAISE THE BLAST SHIELDS NOW!” Oobleck immediately screamed, raising the thick metal shutters over the arena in an instant as the cameras within captured every last second of the massive beam clash within the now enclosed dome of metal.

Thunder roared, the ground shook. The entire arena seemed as though it would fall apart from the forces generated by the two massive beams pushing at each other, struggling to overpower the other beam and end the match.

Penny screamed as she poured energy into her attack, yelling as though it would give her more power and straining her muscles as the ground began to give way under her feet.

Across from her, Ramiel did much the same, shaking her head wildly as she pushed and strained, cratering the ground even as her skin began flaking away at her palms, exposing the crystal superstructure beneath and making her shine from within like a living jewel.

“THIS IS IT!” Ramiel shouted, barely audible over the roaring winds trapped within the dome. “ONE MORE PUSH!”

“I WILL NOT GO DOWN SO EASILY!” Penny returned, pushing back as hard as she could as the massive orb of clashing colors between the two girls slowly, fitfully made its way towards her. 

The two of them continued screaming at the top of their lungs for several minutes, with Penny managing to push a stalemate for several minutes longer even as the cameras inside the dome began to fail one by one from the sheer energy output coming out of the two girls.

And then, the clash broke. A massive detonation shook the arena floor as the beams exploded simultaneously, sending a spike of white hot light into the atmosphere and punching through the dome as if it were a flamethrower through paper. Ramiel and Penny both screamed as they were flung back, rolling uncontrollably until they slid to a halt across from each other- right at the edge of the arena.

“Haa, haa… good show, big sis, but I’m not out of it yet!” Penny panted, breathing hard as her servos whined and sparked slightly, limbs shaking as she watched Ramiel through lidded eyes.

Ramiel was in much the same state as Penny, both girls just barely in the double digits for Aura as they stared at each other- Penny in the lead, by just a single percent point. Ramiel only grinned, her hair weakly flopping in front of her face as she cracked her neck… and fired a tiny, barely perceptible beam from her eyes, just strong enough to push Penny back a step and-

“Whoa whoa whoa whoa- Wah!” Penny exclaimed, shrieking as she stepped back and pinwheeled her arms wildly before tripping over a tiny pebble and falling over the side of the arena to the ground below.

“... I… can’t believe… that actually… worked…” Ramiel muttered incredulously as the buzzer rang out, staring in total shock as Penny just groaned.

“Fiddlesticks,” Penny sighed, covering her face in embarrassment as she sat up, both girls immediately recovering from their fight as if nothing ever happened- their Aura meters flashing back to green the moment the match was called. “I can’t believe that we were so close to a proper conclusion, and I ended up losing to a ring out!”

“I’m just as surprised as you are,” Ramiel shrugged, hopping down next to Penny and helping her up. “Hey, but nice trick with your output, though! I didn’t even know you could increase attack power by disabling your own shields.”

“...of course you can do that,” Penny deadpanned. “It’s like, right there after unlocking an AT-Field in the first place. Did... Did you not read your own manual...?”

“.... We have… manuals now…?” Ramiel blinked, her jaw dropping slowly when she realized that Penny was being entirely serious. “.... Wh- wha- when did  _ that _ happen!?”

“Shortly before you adopted me and shortly after a new brother decided we needed more math in the Family,” Penny replied distractedly. “You need to start checking patch notes more often, by the way.”

“Yeah, no kidding,” Ramiel muttered, rubbing her head as she pinged the family network again and  _ blanched _ . “No way. No fucking way. I’m  _ TWENTY UPDATES BEHIND _ !? How the fuck were there  _ twenty _ updates in the span between when I left on vacation and  _ now!? _ It’s only been like four months!”

“I blame the one named Raziel, personally,” Penny noted. “See? Parent node: Raziel, creates three child nodes, which begin generating their own child nodes. Each adds something to the network, creating an interconnected web that passes through the ‘Lilith’ and ‘Ikari’ nodes, and we end up with updates.” She frowned at something unseen. “Certainly there are others involved, but Raziel seems to be the biggest offender right now.”

“Man, what is Raziel even doing over there?” Ramiel muttered as she sighed and rubbed her head as she began updating her own core. “And, I can’t fucking believe I managed to put up an equal fight while running on an obsolete patch. Seriously, I know I’m the single heaviest hitter out of all of us except for the literal gods, but before I noticed the updates you were running way more advanced than I was.”

“Congratulations on winning the Vytal Tournament, by the way,” Penny noted. “With inferior software and a ring-out, to boot. You did well!”

“...The worst part is that you’re not even sarcastic,” Ramiel grumbled.

“Sarcasm module is not loaded at the moment,” Penny retorted with a teasing grin, poking Ramiel in the cheek before hugging her. “But still! Your energy output levels are amazingly powerful, even without updates! I have seen the recordings within the family network of your exploits pre- free will patch and your power levels even then are  _ astounding! _ ”

“I  _ am _ pretty great,” Ramiel agreed. 

“Indeedaroonie, big sis!”

<>

“Okay hold on- hold up. I just-” Pyrrha held up her hands as she sat in Ozpin’s office, completely blindsided by Ozpin’s explanation of Salem’s last two known agents. “The big guy- Hazel. His  _ entire motivation _ for betraying humanity to work for your ex wife is because his  _ sister _ died working in an occupation that he  _ already knew _ has a  _ seventy five percent premature death rate _ . Are you  _ serious?” _

“I never said he was particularly bright,” Ozpin deadpanned. “If he was, he wouldn’t have gone to the  _ Queen of the Grimm _ in the first place. But yes, that is why he blames me. Grief does... odd things to people.”

_ “Does it, now?” _ Pyrrha snarked. “Honestly, I can’t think of a  _ worse _ response to grief...”

“I can,” the headmaster grumbled. “Things like heading off to fight God over personal grief and getting humanity doomed in the process, for example - and the more depressing part is that the above example is far from the only time I’ve heard of that, by now...”

“...right, Salem herself,” Pyrrha muttered. “Wait, who the Hell is the other example?”

Opin eyed the open bottle of whiskey on his table. “ _ So _ not my secret to explain, thank the Gods. You’ll have to ask the Vytal Champion for details, I’m afraid.”

Pyrrha  _ stared. _ “You know what, no,” she decided. “I’m out. Call me if you have anything  _ constructive _ to add.” 

She rose, tapping her earpiece. A black and red swirling portal appeared in thin air, and the Fall Maiden walked through. A moment later, the office was empty.

“Well,” Oz mused, “At least Raven still has a bond with me. So that’s something, I guess...”


	23. The Twenty Third, In Which We Begin To Address The Plot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A Timeskip has happened! Teams RWBY, RNJR, and CFVY are sent on a super secret mission to Anima! 
> 
> A game of Truth or Kiss is played! The story's rating gets upped!
> 
> Yang and Raven will occupy the same space!
> 
> Oh no!

"So let me get this straight," Weiss began as she walked grumpily along the road, "our second year at Beacon is replaced by a year-long 'practical experience, effective immediately', that somehow features Teams RWBY and RNJR, but for whatever reason  _ not  _ CRDL, has the added bonus of Team CFVY from the year above  _ and no one else,  _ and we're travelling to an unknown village in an unknown corner of Anima, to meet up with someone Ozpin absolutely refuses to tell us about?"

"That about sums it up, yeah," Ramiel agreed. "No fucking clue why we're  _ walking,  _ though. They couldn't have given us a Bullhead or something?" 

"See, that's what  _ I've  _ been saying!" Weiss exclaimed. "Who came up with that crap and can I punch Ozpin for it?" 

“I think it was Professor Goodwitch putting Ramiel on punishment duty and yes I’m pretty sure you  _ can _ punch Ozpin for it if we’re actually doing what I think we’re doing,” Yang answered with a roll of her eyes, snorting a bit as she imagined Weiss punching out Professor Ozpin for being a dick. “That said, I’m pretty sure that we’re gonna be doing something really stupid so either we hitch a ride to where we need to go quick, or we’re gonna be spending literal months walking from one continent to another.”

"....You know what, fuck that noise," Ramiel declared. " _ I'll  _ be the ride." She paused. "No, not like  _ that  _ right now, sorry Coco, Velv." 

“Aww, damn,” Coco snickered, rolling her eyes behind her sunglasses before pausing. “Wait what do you mean  _ you’ll _ be the ride?”

“Oh, is this related to that thing-?” Ruby spoke up, light glimmering in her eyes as she leaned in to watch Ramiel as she-

“Holy shit!”

-immediately exploded into a dizzying array of crystalline fractals, sweeping everyone else off their feet until they were all ensconced in the interior of a massive crystalline cube- one with a crimson orb the size of a person in the very center.

“Tada~!” Ramiel’s voice echoed from around them, emanating seemingly from the orb as the entire cube proceeded to hover off of the ground and immediately rocket off towards Anima- though everyone inside simply felt as if they weren’t moving at all. “Aaaahh, it feels so good to break out my true form after so long~”

"Exactly how big  _ are-"  _

"So are we all technically  _ inside-"  _

Ruby and Velvet broke off and  _ stared  _ at each other in mild confusion. 

Coco rolled her eyes. "I think you may have forgotten to give  _ some  _ of us quite a bit of pertinent information, 'little' sapphire," she snarked. "For whatever reason the little firsties aren't  _ nearly  _ as confused as they  _ should  _ be, you know?" 

“Ohhh yeah… I forgot I never actually told you guys. Whoops!” Ramiel laughed awkwardly as she continued speeding along, the core at the center of the cuboid room pulsing awkwardly before Ramiel appeared amongst them once more- though, curiously, missing the ever present core in her sternum. “Yeah so I’m not actually a normal human and the short version is I’m actually an interdimensional traveler here on vacation and my real form is a 200 meter tall multidimensional dodecahedron made entirely of sapphire. Also I can blow a hole through continents if I want to. Maybe more if I have time to build up a good charge. I got a new software update recently and it’s been  _ hecka sweet _ .”

“Do you always have to lead with that one?” Jaune snarked. 

“Well everyone already  _ knows _ I’m the gayest rock in the universe so it’s not like I need to actually ease anyone into it,” Ramiel shrugged, sitting cross legged down on the floor before looking down at herself and- “.... Y’know, now I wonder how many levels of fractalized recursion I can manage like this. Because I’m literally  _ sitting inside my own body right now.” _

A pause. Then, a chorus of “Don’t even think about it,” came from four mouths simultaneously as Weiss, Jaune, Ren, and Yatsuhashi fixed several glares at Coco and Velvet. 

Ramiel pouted. “Killjoys,” she grumbled.

<>

“Okay so, does anyone wanna play some party games or something? Because I’m going at my top speed at this size and it’s gonna take us a  _ while _ to cross the ocean at this rate,” Ramiel finally asked, lying down on the floor and groaning as she stared up at the sky, contemplating blowing up parts of the forest around them just to ease her boredom. “I mean, I could start blowing up Grimm but I doubt anyone wants me to start a forest fire.”

"Here's an idea," Jaune snarked. "Let's play Truth or Kiss, that way you can fill in your girlfriends at the same time." 

"Isn't that usually Truth or Dare?" Yang asked curiously. 

"Sure," Jaune agreed, "but as the resident medic I refuse dares anywhere that has Yang Xiao Long and Nora Valkyrie in the same place together,  _ let alone _ our fearless leader." 

The three mentioned looked at each other. "Yeah, fair," Nora shrugged. "Hey, I'm game!" 

“Eh, sure. Whatever- who goes first?” Yang asked, shrugging her shoulders and looking around to where everyone was sort of shuffling around into a circle- though, of course, Ramiel, Coco, and Velvet were huddling together in a half-pile that may or may not have had more wandering hands than was strictly appropriate.

Not that Jaune could really say anything since they were all technically legally classified as adults. Even Ruby.

“Oh! I’ll go!” speak of the devil and she shall volunteer.

“Coco!” Ruby pointed straight at said brunette, bouncing on her knees as she grinned. “Truth or Kiss!”

The fashionista tapped her lips with a mischievous grin. "I bet you're expecting me to pick Kiss immediately, huh? Well nope! I pick Truth, ask away Red!" 

Ruby grinned. "What's the most indecent thing you've ever gotten away with?" 

Coco immediately paused and flushed exceedingly bright red, groaning into her hand as Velvet snickered at her side and prodded her ribs.

“Go on~ Tell them what you did to me~” she purred, which only made Coco groan even louder until she finally gave in.

“Uuugghh… fine… I… erm… paraded Velvet around campus. Naked. Stuffed full of vibrators. On a leash. Wearing a collar that said ‘Coco’s Fucktoy’ on it,” Coco bit out, rubbing her forehead and sighing, unable to even derive any amusement from the memory.

“And then she almost got beaten up by the Faunus Rights advocates on campus while I was busy cumming my brains out!” Velvet finished the story, laughing at Coco’s clear and present embarrassment without hesitation.

Ruby immediately flushed bright red herself, but managed to grin and elbow Weiss. "Hey, doesn't that sound fun, partner~?" 

Yang stared in vague horror. "They've corrupted my little sister," she said faintly. "Where did I go wrong?" 

Coco rolled her eyes. "Oh you know what fine. Oi! Xiao Long! Truth or Kiss?" 

“Well, I’d say kiss but I’ve got a girlfri-” Yang paused as Blake whispered in her ear, then blushed and grinned at Coco. “Nevermind, she’s cool with it! Pucker up and hit me with it!”

"Ah ah ah," Coco wagged her finger. "Who said you got to  _ choose?"  _

Jaune groaned and buried his face in his hands. "Of  _ course  _ we're going by that variant..." 

Coco grinned. "Yang Xiao Long, you get to kiss... Ren!" 

The ninja looked up. "What?" 

"No, it's fair," Nora declared solemnly. "Truth or Kiss rules." 

"There are rules?" Blake mouthed in disbelief. 

Yang shrugged, not really figuring a need to question it as she stood up, plopped herself in Ren’s lap, and immediately smooched him right on the lips with such force that, as soon as Yang stood up, he immediately pulled the hem of his shirt down to hide his crotch, much to everyone’s general amusement.

Except Ramiel, who just blinked at the ceiling and murmured out something that sounded like, “... No escape from reality- open your eyes…”

"Awright," Yang declared, ignoring the Angel. "Weisscream! Truth or Kiss!" 

Weiss stared at Yang, unamused. "I'm going to regret that," she said evenly, "but truth." 

“Aww, don’t be like that- anyway uhhhh… since Penny is a robot, does she have a vibrate function, and has she used it on you?” Yang immediately grinned ear to ear, snickering at Weiss’ immediate blush and spluttering.

“Wh- I- that’s private knowledge!”

“Answer it Weiss, those are the rules!” Nora stated firmly, also grinning from behind Yang. Ruby, meanwhile, just rolled her eyes and pulled out her scroll, tapping away at it and leaving Weiss to her fate.

“Euuuuggghhhh, you lot are  _ incorrigible _ ,” Weiss groaned, then dropped her face into her hands and sighed. “Fine, the answer to both questions is… Yes. And… yes.”

"Has she used it on  _ Ruby?"  _ Yang demanded. 

Weiss narrowed her eyes. "Yang, that's  _ three  _ questions already, it’s too many. Ramiel, Truth or Kiss?" 

“Easy come easy go will you let me- bwuh wha?” Ramiel immediately jolted up, having spent the last few seconds murmuring lyrics to a song that no one else knew. “Oh uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh… Truth? Sure, let’s go with that.”

She blinked slowly and smacked the side of her head a few times, then shook her head and cleared her throat. “Okay I’m good- I’m awake again. Just uh… weird soul bullshit going on- ignore that.”

Weiss thought for a bit. "How about... Why do you think that Salem can be turned so easily? I'm sorry - I can't think of anything else to ask..." 

“Because this isn’t the first time a megalomaniacal horny psycho bitch with marital issues has been adopted into the family,” Ramiel answered with an incredibly blasé tone of voice, waving her hand back and forth idly as she mulled over the question some more. “Also, I have a reeeeaaal big thing against asshole gods, and honestly it just sounds like she’s been cursed super hard and needs to get laid for a few weeks straight so… y’know. Should be pretty easy to get her to calm her tits if I can shove a core in her chest, fix up her brain a little, and then go punch a pair of wannabe dictator gods in the dicks so hard they fuck their own brains.”

"You know what, fair," Weiss sighed. She eyed Team CFVY. "...You know, judging by the looks on the faces of your girlfriends, I'm guessing that Oz either forgot to brief a team, or dumped the task on us. Joy." 

"...My turn to ask the question!" Ramiel deflected immediately. "Uhhhhhhh... Blake! Truth or Kiss?" 

“Kiss,” Blake immediately responded, completely deadpan and without a trace of emotion in her voice. It would have been creepy if she hadn’t been staring at everyone else with a look that promised severe public indecency charges had they been in the city.

Ramiel blinked. "Ooooookayyy... Kiss Weiss." 

"For the record, I have no idea why we're all still friends," Weiss snarked. 

Before anyone could actually answer, Blake summarily tackled Weiss into the corner of the room and- 

“Avert your eyes!” Yang immediately shouted, covering Ruby’s eyes so she wouldn’t have to see Blake doing the lewdest of depraved acts to Weiss-  _ kissing _ , while  _ holding hands _ .

“Wow, and I thought  _ I _ was the degenerate around here,” Velvet snickered, rolling her eyes at Yang’s joking overreaction.

"L-lewd!" Ramiel snarked. 

"Yang, quit it," Ruby whined, prying her sister's hands from her eyes. "It's nothing I haven't seen before!" 

Yang  _ gasped.  _ "Filth! Who has been exposing my little sister to  _ filth?"  _

"I've even had headpats," Ruby declared, to general merriment. 

At last, Blake and Weiss emerged from the corner. "I'm not going to be converted," Weiss declared. "I'm already  _ in  _ a harem." 

Blake snickered. "Yatsuhashi," she offered. "Truth or Kiss?" 

The large man stared her down, evenly. "Truth," he declared. 

Jaune sighed as the game went on, rubbing his face as everyone seemed to get progressively hornier with every round of the game.

Surely, this was destined to be a loooooooooooooooooooooooooooong trip.

<>

“Do you think that’s what Ozpin was telling us to look out for?” Pyrrha murmured quietly under her breath, watching as a floating sapphire the size of a literal Bullhead flew through the trees and settled at the edge of camp before disgorging eleven teenagers and summarily collapsing in on itself to reveal a twelfth. “He did say we were receiving three of the strongest teams in Beacon as support.”

"...I don't think I  _ want  _ to know what kind of magic he gave  _ that  _ girl," Raven muttered, eyeing the teenagers in more than a little trepidation. "..."

"...Raven?" Pyrrha prodded. 

"That's Yang," Raven murmured. "This might be... Awkward." 

“Mom!?” came the shriek from just outside the camp, from the blonde one that looked a  _ lot _ like Raven now that Pyrrha had the two of them in close proximity.

“.... Aaaaand it just got reeeeal awkward,” Raven sighed, palming her face before immediately running away as fast as her high heeled boot clad legs could carry her. Just in time to dodge an  _ absolutely enraged _ Yang Xiao Long, who swung her fists around wildly at Raven’s retreating back.

“GET BACK HERE SO I CAN BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU, YOU ABSOLUTE  _ DEADBEAT!” _

“Well,” Pyrrha murmured, “At least it can’t get any  _ more _ awkward.” She turned, and found herself face to face with a cat Faunus.

“Hello there,” said Blake Belladonna. 

In the privacy of her mind, Pyrrha smacked herself upside the head. 


	24. The Twenty Fourth, in Which Much Talking Happens

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yang tries (and fails) to beat up Raven.
> 
> Blake and Neo plan a foursome together.
> 
> Louise and Tabitha plan to meet up with Ramiel.
> 
> Oh no.

“- and that about sums up preeeetty much everything we’re aware of,” Ramiel finished, finally stopping and pausing for breath after going on a long winded, hour long speech about what Ozpin had told them. Though, most of the last fifteen minutes was just wondering how big Salem’s breasts were and what Ramiel wanted to do with Salem’s ass that literally nobody in the camp (except Coco and Velvet) wanted to hear more of.

Also at some point Penny had shown up as well, literally dropping out of the sky with green flames pouring out of her boots and a new haircut. And a slightly enhanced bust. And a few inches of height.

And a suspiciously horny smile that she leveled directly at Weiss and Ruby.

(Ciel was there too but apparently nobody quite noticed her despite her wearing white and blue in the middle of a predominantly brown and gray bandit camp)

“Wasn’t Penny supposed to meet up with us in Haven?” Jaune asked suspiciously. “Why’s she here early?”

“She’s probably just horny,” Nora threw out. “Now shush I wanna hear more about Salem.”

Jaune furrowed his brow. Then he looked over at Ren, deadpan. “I think you might have to end up sharing.”

“Trust me, I knew I’d end up in this position at  _ some _ point in my life,” Ren sighed, then immediately facepalmed as Penny slowly made her way over to Ruby and Weiss and began doing to them things that probably weren’t meant to be done in public.

Like holding hands.

Degenerates.

“... Well, that certainly was a…  _ lurid _ description of Salem,” Pyrrha muttered as she tried to process the important parts of Ramiel’s speech, completely ignoring the part where Ramiel spoke things that she’d really rather not have heard and described Salem as “the hottest milf this side of existence”. “But more to the point, if you think you can solve the Grimm problem and the issue of Salem all on your own, then what’s the point of you even being here?”

Ramiel shrugged. “I wanna introduce my girlfriends to her, my team refuses to let me out of their sight, and your immortal wizard headmaster wants to feel useful. Why else send his pet Team STRQ 2.0?”

“Well, probably to force a reconciliation between Raven and her daughter,” Pyrrha sighed, palming her face as Raven rolled to a halt at her feet, leaving a massive track in the dirt behind her with her face from having gotten slugged in the gut by a pissed off Yang. “So, how’s the motherly bonding going, Raven?”

Raven mumbled something that sounded surprisingly positive, muffled as it was by the dirt, and gave Pyrrha a thumbs up. Again, despite half her body being buried in the dirt and her Aura shield flickering dangerously low.

"Does anyone else feel like he's getting unsubtle in his old age?" Ruby asked. 

"Please," Raven snarked. "He was never particularly subtle in the first place." 

Elsewhere, Yang let out a surprised shout. "Get back to your beating,  _ Mom!"  _

"Good Gods," Raven deadpanned, "What has Tai been teaching you?" She ducked a punch. "No, I'm serious. You're almost  _ too  _ brash right now." 

"Well that's probably  _ your  _ fault," Yang growled, "seeing as you  _ ruined my life!"  _

"Don't be ridiculous," Raven retorted, suddenly dodging every punch. "I wasn't even  _ there.  _ How could I have ruined anything?" 

“You ran out on Dad when I was BORN, made him quit his job as a Huntsman WHEN I WAS FIVE because he couldn’t afford to leave TWO KIDS HOME ALONE when they almost DIED TRYING TO FIND YOU, gave Dad  _ DEPRESSION _ because you ran out on him to go be a murderhobo in the woods, and you made UNCLE QROW RAISE US HALF THE TIME AFTER SUMMER DIED,” Yang screamed, immediately pulsing her Semblance and lashing out with sudden clarity, grabbing Raven by the front of her armor and immediately powerbombing her into the ground with enough force that the entire camp shuddered at once. “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE RAISED BY A MAN WHO’S BOTH PERPETUALLY BROKE  _ AND _ DRUNK WITH A BAD LUCK SEMBLANCE!? RUBES IS LUCKY THAT SHE STILL HAS ALL OF HER FUCKING FINGERS! AND DO YOU KNOW HOW FUCKING BAD IT GOT AFTER SUMMER DIED!? YOU RAN OUT ON  _ HER _ TOO!”

“... You know, suddenly I’m glad that I was only like, two years old when mom died,” Ruby muttered quietly, watching Yang kick Raven while she was down. “Otherwise I’d probably be trying to beat up my other mom too.”

“... I mean, no one’s stopping you from beating the crap out of your deadbeat technically stepmom,” Weiss responded, shrugging a bit and frowning. “Y’know, is it just me or out of our entire team is it literally only  _ Blake _ that has even a passably healthy relationship with her mother?”

“It is, and it’s super awkward sometimes hearing about your guys’ family troubles,” Blake answered immediately, rolling her eyes and wincing as Yang got in a particularly vicious punch to Raven’s crotch. “... Yeah, I can’t relate at all.”

“Well, at least  _ one _ of us is at least vaguely well adjusted,” Weiss sighed.

“Oh no, I’m still traumatized from being in love with an abusive terrorist who convinced me to run away from home when I was ten and spend the next seven years murdering rich bastards in the woods like some kind of murderhobo camp. Kinda like the Branwen clan, actually, but y’know, with the vague idea of fighting racism instead of upholding some kind of bullshit “clan traditions” that only exist to keep people’s minds off of the fact that they’re literally just a bunch of criminals squatting in the woods pretending to be some kind of noble samurai tradition,” Blake scoffed, then paused and turned back to Pyrrha. “Wait, what actually  _ did _ happen to Adam anyway? I can’t imagine  _ you’d _ have been able to take over if he were still around.”

Pyrrha scratched the back of her head, suddenly looking guilty. "I kind of wrestled him into a coma in an underground cage match. And then his lieutenants promptly put me in charge. And here I am." 

"...So Adam is in a coma he could possibly wake up from?" Blake asked in trepidation. 

If anything, Pyrrha looked even more uncomfortable. "Actually, we had a funeral several months back. His body had a date with an incinerator - the nicest thing he got was a tiny speech. From me." 

"You can die from a coma?" Weiss asked skeptically. "Also, why do you look like this isn't the full story?" 

Pyrrha winced. "I'm pretty sure he was still breathing when we had the funeral, but nobody else seemed to care..." 

Blake stopped and stared at Pyrrha for a long moment, completely shocked to her core. Weiss just bit her lip, trying not to imagine what burning alive must have felt like- she imagined Blake must have been equally horrifie-

Nope, she was very forcefully kissing Pyrrha instead. 

Wow.

Okay.

Weiss blinked slowly and watched as Blake proceeded to smother Pyrrha with both gratitude and also her lips- at least up until the point where she was forced to stop by the presence of a very,  _ very _ sharp sword at her throat.

“Neo, calm down,” Pyrrha sighed as Blake immediately jumped back behind Weiss, rolling her eyes at the antics of her girlfriend. “Blake… I um…  _ understand _ your enthusiasm, but um… I’d advise you not do that again. Neo here is… protective.”

"...Isn't she one of Yang’s exes?" Ruby asked. "I'm pretty sure I've seen that ice-cream hair before..." 

“... Wait wha-” Pyrrha almost asked, then looked between Neo, who was now staring off at Yang with an expression of both open shock and more than a little lust. “... Ah, so  _ that’s _ who she’s been comparing me to.”

“Neo!?” Yang shouted from across the camp, immediately rushing over with Raven dragging along behind her, ankle firmly clenched in Yang’s fist. “Neo! How ya been, girlfriend? It’s been a while since we hooked up! Found yourself a new squeeze, eh?”

The mute girl shrugged, grinning. She then looked between Blake and Yang inquisitively, winked, and waggled her eyebrows. 

Yang grinned back, puffing her chest out. "Yep! A cutie, isn't she? Does this  _ amazing  _ thing with her tongue, oh  _ my!"  _ She fanned herself as Blake suddenly lit up with a luminescent blush. 

Neo raised her eyebrows, looking impressed. Nodding slowly, she hooked and arm around Pyrrha's shoulders, gesturing something with a grin. 

Now it was Yang's turn to look impressed. "Magnetism, really? Been into electrostimulation lately?" 

And it was Pyrrha who found herself blushing luminously as Neo just leaned back and grinned widely. 

“... Is it just me or is Yang subtly pushing for a foursome?” Weiss murmured, just barely loud enough to be heard by Ruby, who just snorted and rolled her eyes. 

“Of course she is,” Ruby muttered back, grumbling a bit as she crossed her arms. “A chance to sleep with not only her girlfriend and her friend with benefits, but also an international celebrity? I’m surprised she hasn’t jumped them yet.”

“Should we invite them into our bed too?” Penny wondered, still standing between Ruby and Weiss and hugging them possessively around the waist while Ciel all but clung to Penny’s back and hugged her from behind.

"I don't want to bed my own sister, Penny," Ruby groaned. "Honestly, right now I just kinda wanna talk to Aunt Raven, at least until Yang notices she's holding a log instead of a leg." 

"Honestly," Raven said from right next to them, startling literally only Weiss and appearing faintly irritated. "What's the point of being able to do near-literal ninjutsu if you're basically surrounded by snipers? Whatcha want, Red?" 

"The reason you left..." Ruby drew the pause out, "You were afraid, weren't you? Afraid that you weren't going to be a good parent?" 

"I wasn't  _ afraid,"  _ Raven snapped. "I  _ knew.  _ I  _ knew  _ I'd be a shitty mom even if I hadn't left. I'm willing to bet  _ quite a bit  _ that Yang would be  _ far  _ more miserable if I'd stayed." 

She paused. "You're not going to attack me?" 

Ruby shook her head. "Not really. If you hadn't left, I probably wouldn't exist, and I already know some people aren't capable of being a parent. At least  _ you  _ recognised it and left." 

"...That sounds like a story," Raven drawled. 

Ruby frowned. "It isn't much of one. By the way, once we're done with the Salem thing, do you want to come with me to hunt down Jacques Schnee? We'll take Yang and make a family event out of it. What do you think?" 

“I still maintain that I should be the one to put a sword through his chest,” Weiss huffed, crossing her arms and sniffing haughtily. “Or if we’re not going to kill him, I should at least be the one to kick him in the balls first.”

"I said hunt down, not kill," Ruby corrected. "Then we'll drag him down to you, and you get to do whatever you want." 

Raven stared at both of them incredulously. "Okay, you know what?" she decided. "You're my new favourite niece right now." 

“Yes!” Ruby cheered, pumping her fist before pausing and looking at Raven in confusion. “... Wait, why am I your  _ niece _ ? Aren’t you technically my pre-stepmom since… y’know. Technically speaking you never actually divorced dad and… well.”

"Didn't we  _ just  _ establish I'd be a horrible parent?" Raven inquired mildly. "I'd think I'd make for a far better  _ aunt."  _

“... Well, I mean, I guess you’d be less drunk than Uncle Qrow,” Ruby muttered, wincing a bit and rubbing her side as she remembered a few… less than pleasant training days. “And a lot easier to carry if you do pass out on me…”

" _ Less _ drunk than Qrow would be a low bar to cross these days," Raven drawled in distaste. "He really needs to stop blaming his Semblance on every single thing that happens to him, seriously..." 

"His Semblance?" Ruby asked curiously. "He's  _ still _ doing that?" 

"He never stopped," Raven sighed. "Really, all my idiot brother needs to do is to accept that not  _ everything  _ bad is his fault and - honestly? The fact that his Semblance is what it is  _ can't  _ be his fault, he was  _ born  _ with it, self-flagellation helps nobody!" 

"...You're doing that too," Ruby realised. 

"Doing what?" Raven  _ and  _ Weiss said in unison, before exchanging bemused glances. "You've lost me," Raven declared. 

"The self-flagellation thing," Ruby qualified. "Why else let Yang beat you up? I can tell that you can beat her, otherwise you wouldn't be able to escape her grip all the time at all. You're letting her work out her anger _and_ beating yourself up at the same time, aren't you?" 

"...I could  _ swear  _ you were the clueless innocent one," Raven muttered in disbelief. 

<>

Elsewhere, a pair of pinkish red eyes stared at the scene divider. 

"I could  _ swear  _ those things didn't exist a month ago," the owner of the eyes murmured. "Have I been so out of touch?" 

"Silly," came a quiet reply. "Don't worry." 

"I don't worry about  _ them,"  _ the first voice disagreed. "I worry.... I worry about  _ myself."  _

"Why?" asked the quiet voice. 

"...No, that's not quite right," the first voice corrected herself. "I worry, because it's quiet." 

"Peaceful," the second voice pointed out. 

"Exactly!" the red-eyed woman, as that is what the narration has revealed of her, exclaimed. "It's  _ too  _ peaceful! It's  _ too  _ quiet! When was the last time we saw Ramiel?" 

"A year ago," the other woman said. "...that long?" 

"Exactly! She hasn't called to gloat, which means she lost, but I absolutely haven't heard of  _ anything  _ being destroyed on a level which would suggest that someone tried to imprison her! What the Hell is she up to?" 

"Silly Louise," the quiet woman murmured. "She's gone native." 

Louise, for it indeed was Louise Françoise le Blanc de la Vallière, blinked. "...I kind of want to  _ see  _ that. Do you think she has a Huntsman team, Tabitha? A partner? A girlfriend? A therapist?" 

Tabitha de Gallia smiled. "Yes, yes, yes, and I doubt it," she said quietly. "Do you...?" 

"...Want to call her?" Louise finished. "Not really. I want to see her face to face. Do you want to come?" 

  
Tabitha smiled again, and kissed Louise on the corner of the mouth. "I would  _ love  _ to,  _ mon ami,"  _ she whispered. 


	25. The Twenty Fifth, in Which Qrow and Raven are Belligerent at Each Other

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaune tries (and kind of fails) to talk strategy with everyone else.
> 
> Raven and Qrow experience the joys of being siblings on a public transport.
> 
> Louise and Tabitha need to update the family tapestry.
> 
> Oh no.

“Okay so,” Jaune started as he began his presentation, ignoring the fact that half of his team was audibly snoring in their seats and the rest of the assembled strike force was faring no better. “Here’s what we’re gonna do: First, we’re gonna go to Atlas- General Ironwood has agreed to meet us there and Penny will be there too. Don’t complain about her leaving you in the middle of the night Ruby, you know she was only here because she was horny and missed you and Weiss.”

“I was  _ not _ ,” Ruby huffed, crossing her arms and pouting before immediately throwing Weiss under the bus. “Weiss was, though.”

“Hey!”

"Thank you for providing details we absolutely didn't ask for," Jaune snarked. "Now,  _ second,  _ we're going to have to  _ forego  _ Ramiel Express, at least for the last half of the trip, because we  _ are  _ in fact still under the pretense of  _ subtlety. _ Third- what now, Raven?" 

"Can't we just send Qrow off ahead and we'll use the Raven Express instead?" The Branwen snarked back. "It still sounds like less of a hassle than  _ walking."  _

“I am  _ not _ flying over gods know how many miles of forest and ocean just so everyone else can get to Atlas easier,” Qrow protested, crossing his arms and grumbling as he pulled a flask full of extremely strong smelling alcohol out of his jacket and took a hearty swig. 

“... Uncle Qrow you can just borrow Yang’s bike and take a public shuttle,” Ruby mentioned, raising her finger and looking at Qrow in confusion. “... Did… you just assume you were supposed to make the entire trip as a bird?”

“... Shut up. I’m drunk.”

“It’s seven thirty in the morning how are you  _ already _ drunk!?” Jaune half screeched, startling Nora and Ramiel awake with twin yelps of surprise as he slammed his fist against the table. “And why are you still drinking!?”

“ _ I _ assumed he would,” Raven snickered.

“See, this is why I drink,” Qrow muttered, swaying woozily in his seat as he stared at his flask in confusion. “.... Wait…. what the…. fug? This ain’t my normal stuff…”

“The good stuff, of course,” Nora deadpanned.

“... When the fuck did you get time to raid my alcohol stores?” Raven asked, completely incredulous as to how Qrow not only managed to steal from the most highly guarded part of her camp, but also managed to get so drunk he forgot he even did so.

Qrow paused. “Birb,” he finally declared, turned into a crow, and collapsed into a pile of feathers, snoring in a strange cawing manner. Ruby and Raven managed a synchronized facepalm.

“Right,” the Branwen Chief declared. “Plan B -  _ I’ll _ take a shuttle to Atlas. I’m taking Qrow, so that your General won’t shoot me on sight, and I’ll open my portal to Yang when I’m there. That work?”

“I’m still pissed at you and I’ll probably try to shotgun you in the face when you open the portal but I’m cool with that,” Yang nodded, then paused and squinted at Raven. “... Wait, how are  _ you _ going to take a  _ public _ shuttle in the middle of  _ Mistral _ . Aren’t you a wanted criminal here or something?”

Raven just rolled her eyes and tapped her massive grimm helmet. “No, the authorities only know that the head of the Branwen clan is a wanted criminal.  _ Raven Branwen _ is a licensed Huntress still in good standing with Beacon Academy. And besides, like I give a shit about cops anyway.”

“...Can I get back to my third point now?” Jaune asked wearily. “Thank you. Now that I’m not being interrupted with drunk crows and whatever the fuck else,  _ third. _ After we get to Atlas. They have the Winter Maiden, that’s kind of a given, but here’s what’s gonna happen. We’re  _ taking _ the Winter Maiden.”

“Do you  _ want _ to get shot by Ironwood?” Ruby asked incredulously. 

“No, don’t worry,” Jaune waved her off. “I have a plan.”

“Are you going to tell us?” Weiss inquired.

“...of course not,” Jaune scoffed. “If I tell you, it probably won’t work.”

“That doesn’t sound like a very good plan then,” Ren observed drolly.

Ramiel shook her head. “No, no, he’s got a point. C’mon, partner. Tell me offscreen.”

Before Jaune or anyone else could react, Ramiel opened her mouth again and  _ spoke. _

“<>”

“.... Y’know, it’s been a while since I’ve last been on a public airship,” Raven murmured idly as she stared out the window, all but basking in the sunlight streaming through as the shuttle crossed over the sea between Anima and Solitas. “I think the last time I took one of these was when I went back to the clan.”

“Yeah, and look where that got you,” Qrow muttered, rolling his eyes and glaring at Raven with all the force of a hangover headache. “Squatting in the woods, shitting in a hole, rummaging around for food and supplies from the corpses of people who just happened to take a wrong turn. Say what you will about my habits, but at least I got to have access to running water all the years I spent away from the shithole of petty criminals you call a bandit clan.”

“... Shut the fuck up,” Raven shot back, crossing her arms and pointedly not looking at Qrow as she kicked him in the shins under the table. “I don’t have to take this shit from someone born half an hour after me.”

“I was only second because your fat ass kicked me out of the way,” Qrow grumbled in response, raising his middle finger at Raven and letting his head thunk against the table. “Don’t fuckin’ make me crash this goddamn shuttle just to spite you.”

“You know,” Raven mused, “At this point I’d usually say something along the lines of ‘try me bitch’.” 

“But you’re ‘older’ and ‘wiser’ and so you won’t?” Qrow mocked.

Raven looked faintly disturbed. “Are you kidding? Fuck that noise. Go ahead and crash our ride, little brother...” She grinned. “Just remember that you’re going to have to fly to Atlas under  _ your own power _ afterwards.”

“I hate you so much,” Qrow sighed, shaking his head and deciding that consciously trying to use his Semblance just to spite his sister wasn’t quite worth the civilian casualties that would inevitably ensue. “I wish you never left and that you were the one that had to deal with Tai’s godawful dad jokes for the last seventeen years.”

“He graduated to  _ dad jokes? _ ” Raven asked in horror. “Holy shit, bullet fucking  _ dodged. _ ” She thought for a moment. “...Please tell me Yang is immune.”

“Worse,” Qrow snarked, “She’s infected.”

Raven looked extremely conflicted by that statement.

“.... I think that the sheer depth of my horror just gave me a sudden bowel movement,” she groaned queasily, immediately standing up and rushing off to the bathroom.

Idly, Qrow tried to string together a joke about her looking constipated instead of conflicted, but ultimately dropped it in favor of flagging down a flight attendant for some cheap beer and a bag of slightly stale pretzel sticks.

And also some sunflower seeds for Raven, just to be a dick. 

Right on cue, his sister showed back up. “...where the hell did you get a beer and why don’t I get one?”

In lieu of an answer, Qrow just pointed at the bag of sunflower seeds. Raven stared at them. “Jokes on you,” she finally declared. “I actually like those.” She popped a pair in her mouth, bit down, and spat the shells out in a motion entirely too practiced to be faking. “...what?”

“Curses,” Qrow deadpanned in between sips of beer. “Outplayed again.”

“What, did you  _ seriously _ think I didn’t get used to eating sunflower seeds in the seventeen years that I’ve been a criminal and deadbeat? It’s kind of the literal stereotype of criminals and deadbeats,” Raven snorted, kicking her feet up and ordering a just barely slightly more expensive beer for herself, just to flex on the fact that she was basically swimming in stolen Lien and Qrow barely had enough funds to go motel hopping since he took more missions from Ozpin than actually paying Huntsman gigs.

“One of these days, I’m gonna get one over on you so hard you’re  _ never _ gonna live it down,” Qrow muttered, raising his middle finger at Raven and receiving one in return. “That, or I’m gonna go actually nuts and shank you in the ass with Harbinger.”

“I’d sure as hell like to see you try, baby dipshit,” Raven snarked, rolling her eyes and popping a few more seeds in her mouth before spitting the shells into Qrow’s hair. “You haven’t managed to kill me yet no matter how hard you try.”

“If I seriously wanted to kill you I’d have dropped a pipe bomb on your tent while you were busy fucking your second in command,” Qrow shot back, flicking the saliva covered shells back at Raven, whereupon they immediately splatted against her face. “The shanking part is so you’ll finally feel a bigger pain in your ass than the pain you’ve been in  _ mine _ .”

“Please,” Raven snorted. “You’re the little brother. You’re  _ automatically _ a bigger pain in the ass. I’d know, I’m the older sister, I’ve had to put up with you.”

“Spoken like a true older sibling,” Qrow sighed and rolled his eyes again as he emptied his bag of pretzel sticks down his gullet like the slob he was. “Always making it about  _ you _ when I’m the one who’s been paying for your pentannual Huntress license renewals and am pretty much the  _ sole reason _ why your daughter and niece are  _ still alive _ today.”

Raven’s expression grew stormy. “I was watching,” she snapped. “I would have done it myself if you hadn’t come. I would have done it even if I hadn’t been watching. Do not think me  _ completely _ heartless, Qrow.”

“Of course you’re not  _ heartless, _ ” Qrow rolled his eyes and snorted, leaning back in his seat and kicking up his feet onto the table as well. “Otherwise you wouldn’t have let Yang punch you hard enough to almost break your Aura several times. What you  _ are _ , is the single most colossal pain in the ass I’ve felt since the first and last time Winter Schnee convinced me to try pegging.”

“The fact that you actually went through with that speaks volumes,” Raven commented. She put a hand on Qrow’s shoulder, smiling proudly. “It means that you are not the typical lech you portray yourself as. I’m proud of you.”

“.... See, the fact that you’re my twin means that I know you’re just fucking with me right now,” Qrow deadpanned, idly removing Raven’s hand from his shoulder and grumbling a little. “But thanks anyway, I guess. Turns out, it was a real bad idea to tell Winter to go nuts back there. Walked funny for a  _ week _ … and also maybe almost had to go see a doctor about a hemorrhoid pillow.”

“You forgot to use lube, didn’t you,” Raven deadpanned. “How...  _ unfortunate _ for you.”

“Yeah well it turns out it was Winter’s first time doing that too so, eh,” Qrow shrugged and folded his hands behind his head, perfectly willing to continue describing his lurid sex life to Raven, who was swiftly realizing more and more that Qrow was probably fucking with her considering the fact that she knew damn well that some of the things he was describing were damn near impossible.

Considering that neither of them were willing to cede any ground to the other… this was shaping up to be a looooooooooong shuttle ride.

<>

“See! There it is again!” Louise pointed vaguely above her head at the thing that only she and Tabitha could see, barely keeping her voice down enough to avoid disturbing the other passengers as they took the train across Sanus towards where they could still feel Ramiel’s soul presence very, very far away. “I  _ swear _ those weren’t there before and now they seem to pop into existence every day or so!”

“It feels like... a shift,” Tabitha murmured. “A shift in attention. Spotlight.”

“Like a scene break?” Louise offered. “...yeah, I can see that. I guess. But why would we be seeing scene breaks?”

Tabitha closed her eyes, humming quietly. “Best guess is  _ shenanigans, _ ” she offered. 

“No, I wouldn’t have guessed,” her wife snarked. “‘Shenanigans’ describes this whole damn family, you know.” She paused. “...Tabby? You okay?”

“The family is bigger.”

“...How much bigger?” Louise asked hesitantly. “I haven’t checked the Network since about last year or so... How bad is it?”

“We need a new tree.”

“.... How could we possibly need a new tre- oh by the Founder, ADAM, and  _ me _ that’s a  _ lot _ of new family members,” Louise whimpered, going pale in the face and swaying in her seat. “How!? How did we get that many so fast!? It’s only been a  _ year _ and I know damn well that Angels don’t have a very high birth rate! Who’s been adopting a literal army!?”

“Raziel, mostly. Things… snowballed from there, it seems,” Tabitha answered, pulling up the labyrinthine mess of their family tree and sighing quietly. “Gaghiel as well. Sachiel, at the very least, is alone and on a planet without any great threats that would require an army of Angels to combat.”

“Thank the gods for small mercies, then,” Louise sighed, dropping her face into her hands and mumbling just barely loud enough to be heard. “I hate this. I hate everything about this. I hate  _ literally _ everything about this.”

“You just hate that we have to update the Valliere family tapestry back home again,” Tabitha deadpanned.

“It’s so much woooooork!” 


	26. The Twenty-Sixth, In Which We Reach Atlas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Schnees confirmed inhuman cold resistance. Yang sleeps in Raven's room.
> 
> Ruby delves too deep into Mad Science and creates an Engine.
> 
> ...Oh no.

“Salutations!” Penny cheered happily as she watched her girlfriends (and the rest of their entourage) and new sister step through the portal that Raven had made, waving happily while Winter Schnee just raised an eyebrow at Weiss, who blushed and tried not to look too embarrassed about the fact that Penny was specifically making lewd eyebrow motions at her and Ruby.

“Don’t. Ask,” the younger Schnee sister hissed at the elder. “Just. Don’t.”

“I ask nothing, if you ask nothing,” Winter murmured back, hiding her face in shame when  _ Qrow _ started making the  _ exact same motions _ in her general directions. “I expect your…  _ girlfriend _ to ask nothing either.”

Ruby just sighed quietly and nodded, trying to pretend that she wasn’t related to the drunken birdman trying to literally undress Winter with his eyes.

At least  _ Raven _ was fine- oh, no, she’d just opened another portal and was furiously making out with some lady Ruby had never seen before.

“That’s a good question, actually,” Pyrrha murmured, looking around. “Is there anyone around here that isn’t horny? Not now, Neo,” she added right after.

“You know, when I heard reports of Beacon descending into nearly open debauchery, I wasn’t sure what Oz was smoking,” General Ironwood deadpanned, rolling his eyes as he stepped forward with his hands behind his back in a professional manner, a heavy frown creasing his face as he looked over the various beings and people currently trying to christen the runway. “If you’ll all follow me before doing anything you’ll swiftly regret thanks to the weather, we can debrief and you all can retire to the safety of the rooms we’ve provided.”

“At once, Sir,” Ruby provided, on account of being the only one currently not flirting with anyone. “Uh, we can probably blame Ramiel for this, General Ironwood James Sir Uncle-in-Law Sir?”

“Noted,” the man snarked.

Without a word, he turned around and walked back inside, his presence having just barely managed to make everyone else stop being horny for the moment as they followed him indoors to a place that wasn’t constantly snowing and wasn’t in the middle of a blizzard despite being late summer still.

“Y’know what?” Ramiel murmured quietly, shivering lightly and rubbing her arms as they finally entered the large military compound near the center of Atlas proper. “I fuckin’ hate this place. It’s  _ so fucking cold _ outside.”

“Natural consequence of building on the Pole, I’m afraid,” Ironwood remarked. “Without Aura, the wind chill outside of the life support zone can kill you in half an hour, or so the statisticians say.”

“What do you mean it’s cold?” Weiss asked from somewhere nearby. “It’s pleasantly cool. Everywhere else is just a bit  _ too _ warm, you know?”

“Weiss, I hope you know that just makes you a freak of nature and/or possibly the natural result of a descendant of a literal snowman,” Yang cut in, still shivering despite being indoors and gritting her teeth to try and not look like a pansy who couldn’t handle a little bit of below-freezing blizzard conditions.

“Schnees  _ have _ been known to not be bothered by cold as much as other people,” Winter mused. “Our great-grandmother Regina Schnee is rumored to have lived in an actual mansion of ice, even...”

“You people are  _ not human, _ ” Yang concluded.

“She makes a great ice pack when it’s super hot, though!” Ruby snickered, clinging onto Weiss and rubbing her cheek against her girlfriend’s, followed shortly by Penny, and then Ciel, who’d joined them a moment later like some kind of beret wearing office lady ninja.

Ruby wasn’t sure how to feel about Ciel, honestly. The girl didn’t say much of anything most of the time, though she did make some really cute squeaks when Ruby did her patented Rose Twister™ on her lower bits.

“...is there a Schneenis?” Yang’s question filtered through her thoughts, filled her mind with not entirely unpleasant mental images, and then fled out of the other ear.

“No, but there is a Pennyis,” she shot back without thinking.

“I didn’t want to know that,” someone said with Ironwood’s voice. “I didn’t want to know any of that.” 

That someone was probably Ironwood himself, Ruby reflected.

Oh dear.

Fortunately, Ironwood mostly just looked tired of their collective bullshit instead of outright annoyed, so Ruby figured that as long as they pretended to be professionals in front of the General, he wouldn’t kick them out and make them stay in Mantle or whatever.

Wait where did Winter go- oh there she was, slapping Qrow across the face for- uh.

Well, Ruby supposed there were worse things to get rejected for than thinking that a couple one night stands constituted an actual relationship even after Qrow ghosted Winter for the last year and a half. 

… Wow. Now that she was older and wiser, Uncle Qrow really was kind of a loser wasn’t he?

“Your Uncle does not appear to have nearly as much appeal as he says he does,” Penny observed, unknowingly echoing Ruby’s thoughts.

“Yeah,” she agreed. “Anywhoo, where do we ‘sleep’?”

<>

“Y’know, I can’t help but feel like this is payback for all the times I brought home random girls for one night stands,” Yang muttered sleepily, trying and failing to ignore the sounds prominently echoing through the wall that separated her and Ruby’s rooms. Somehow, despite the fact that said rooms were supposed to be  _ soundproofed _ , the sound of screaming, moaning, and other slimy, sticky sex noises rang through all too clearly to the point that Yang knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was on purpose.

At least she had Blake and Neo and Pyrrha to cuddle with, though, even if the three of them were dead asleep after she’d proven her claims of being able to handle three ladies at once.

“Actually, no,” she decided. “It  _ is _ payback. It’s payback and I probably deserve it.”

Yang contemplated her situation. The way she saw it, she had about two options. Try to fall asleep in the middle of all the noise, or deliberately walk in on her own sister to tell her to knock it off.

Huffing a breath out, she suddenly got an idea. An Idea for a third option.

Silently, carefully, she extricated herself from the pile of sleepy girlfriends and snuck out of the room with a spare blanket. “Now, where do I remember her being...” she hummed.

After a total of one misadventure she preferred not to think about, and one case of narrowly avoiding Drunkle Qrow trying to chat up another Specialist, she came to a stop at a door. Deliberately suppressing any semblance of a smile, or even a smirk, Yang knocked.

There was some shuffling from inside, and a quiet beep, before the door slid open, revealing one rather unamused face of Raven staring back at her. “...what do you want, Yang.”

“I couldn’t sleep,” Yang told her birthmother earnestly. “Can I sleep here with you?”

“.... Okay is this a horny thing, an annoying thing, or do you actually just want to sleep here?” Raven asked tiredly, opening the door a little more to reveal Vernal sprawled out over Raven’s bed, completely naked and- hrm.

Either Raven had some really fancy toys, or there may have been some other explanation as to why momma Summer sometimes compared Raven to a horse.

“I… hm. Well I was hoping for more of a reaction but I really do need to sleep,” Yang admitted, pushing her way into the room and dropping herself on the couch- say what you will about most of Atlas being either military, political, or corporate buildings, but their guest barracks were way nicer than any other nation’s barracks. “Ruby’s got her girlfriends over and somehow they’re still audible over the soundproofing in the walls.”

Raven winced, then quietly padded over to her bed and swept the blanket over her… girlfriend??? Wife??? To make sure she didn’t freeze her nips off in the middle of the night. “I can see why you’d want to avoid that. I can assume that Qrow’s out drunk again too, considering you haven’t gone to him.”

“Eh, yes and no- he’s drunk and hitting on a really nice lookin’ dude with way more success than usual, but I wanted to spend time with you instead. Y’know, so you can make up for being a deadbeat for the last seventeen years,” Yang answered, leaning back and pulling her blanket over her head before letting out a massive yawn. “Mnn, but that can wait til morning.”

“...right,” Raven murmured. “You know what, fine. Sleep away.”

<>

“Ooohhhh my  _ head _ ,” Ruby groaned as she stumbled out of what  _ definitely _ wasn’t her bedroom, nursing the mother of all headaches as she tried to process exactly what happened in the last- er…

Time period??? 

Between when she last remembered and now- through the blurry haze of pain, she idly remembered hitting an orgasm so hard that her caffeine-and-questionable-stimulants addled brain had briefly reached some kind of spiritual epiphany and then- nothing.

Maybe drinking some kind of Atlesian hyper stimulant energy drink in nearly lethal doses wasn’t the best idea for trying to keep up with and out-last Penny’s sheer sexual stamina.

Her mind was willing, but her flesh was- well… feeling stronger than usual. Was that normal?

“Ruby! There you are! You’ve been locked in that workshop for seventy six point three four eight nine six four five hours! And- er… is… is that a  _ CORE!?” _ Penny immediately shrieked as soon as Ruby had stepped out, grabbing Ruby by the shoulders and staring down at Ruby’s naked body- or specifically, the bloodsoaked socket that used to be her right eye, but was now a crimson, crystalline orb that very much resembled an Angelic Core.

“Is that a  _ what? _ ” Ruby asked right back. “...do you have a mirror? Wait, did I write anything down?” She thought very fast, realizing that she was thinking far faster than before, analyzed that thought for 5.5675 seconds, and answered her own question. “I think I did, yeah - bring the mirror to the workshop, I gotta find my notes!” She shook Penny off and dashed right back in.

“... Y’know, I say this a lot privately but this time I think I’m actually justified in saying that I think Ruby’s completely _ lost it _ ,” Weiss muttered quietly, watching as Ruby darted around the workshop like a whirlwind of rose petals, completely heedless of the fact that not only was she naked, but also  _ covered in dried blood _ , sexual fluids, and quite possibly three days worth of… substances that Weiss would rather not think about. 

“I’m surprised she’s even  _ alive _ ,” Ciel responded, looking at the emptied minifridges around said workshop and the pyramids of stimulant liquid (she categorically  _ refused _ to call them “Atlesian Mega Ultra Metho-Cocaine Caffeine Hyper Punch”) cans scattered on the various tables and counters. “If I’m not mistaken, the lethal dose of Huntsman stimulant is  _ four cans _ in twenty four hours, and it looks like she’s had… well over two hundred.”

“... I do believe this is the first time I’ve ever actually been terrified this much,” Penny sighed, chewing her lip as Ruby faceplanted in the middle of gathering her notes and immediately exploded into a cloud of rose petals before re-forming and continuing on. “I fear that Ruby might actually need hospitalization once the energy rush wears off.”

“Don’tberidiculousPennyI’mfeelingperfectlyfinealsoalotmorepowerfulbutthatisanaturalconsequenceofthisthingIinstalledinmyocularcavityprovidingmewithridiculousamountsofenergyandbasicallygivenmyselfinfiniteAurasoyou _ really _ don’tneedtoworryaboutme!” babbled a  _ separate stream of rose petals, _ momentarily foming into  _ another _ Ruby while the...  _ main? _ instance puttered around in the background. 

“TheextraneousenergyshouldbedissipatingsoonanywaysoIgottatakethemostofit!”

“Now  _ I’m _ terrified,” commented Weiss, staring at the whirlwind in horror.

“Weiss!”

The Schnee heiress suddenly found herself face to face with Ruby herself, grinning almost maniacally. “Here!” A stack of papers was thrust into her hands.

“Ruby,” she began carefully, “Are-”   
  


“Hush,” the girl commanded, speaking quite a bit slower. “I’m about to collapse, so listen carefully. Those are my notes.  _ Guard them. _ I want to see them when I wake up again, got it?”

“Ruby,” Weiss tried again. She was shushed.

“No,  _ listen. _ You’re probably gonna take me to a medbay or something as soon as I collapse, so I have instructions for the staff.  **_Don’t touch the Engine._ ** ” Ruby pointed at her replaced eye. “If I wake up and find it gone, I’m likely to be upset enough to murder someone. Got it?”

“I-”

“ _ Got it? _ ”

Weiss gave up and nodded. Ruby smiled. 

“Good. Now, I’m gonna be out, so catch-”

She collapsed like a puppet with her strings cut, straight into her girlfriend’s arms.

<>

“Another one,” Tabitha murmured.

“... Anoth- wait, no, this one’s different,” Louise muttered, wincing as she rubbed her head and shuffled forward as they went through the security checks for the Mistralian shuttleport. “Someone- no….  _ no way _ . Did someone- did someone  _ crystallize a Core _ on their own!? How!? I thought the only way to do that was to either be a Progenitor descendant or adopted into the Family proper!”

“I suppose we will have to ask,” Tabitha shrugged. “Yet, the Progenitors figured it out themselves.”

“That’s...” Louise paused, finger in the air. “That’s a good point, I hadn’t thought of that.”

“Silly Louise,” Tabitha grinned and nuzzled her wife. 

Louise blushed and grinned back, unable to keep up a proper train of thought with her wife pressed against her side. “Only for you, Tabby~”


	27. The Twenty-Seventh, In Which Ramiel Is Incredulous, Ruby Proposes, And A Reunion Is Looming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ruby is welcomed into the Family. We find out what Hazel is up to. Weiss gets Proposed To.
> 
> Weiss Actually Murders a person.
> 
> Oh no.

“ _ How,” _ Ramiel immediately spoke, less of a question and just more of an incredulous demand for information. “How in the nine hells did you manage to  _ MAKE YOUR OWN CORE!?” _

“I don’t remember,” Ruby answered politely. “We can go over my notes if you want, but I personally don’t remember how the fuck I managed that.”

“... Well it’s nice that you managed to write your own notes down, but I’ve already looked through them and ninety percent of it is just crudely drawn porn of you violating Weiss’ rear with a giant beowolf strapon,” Ramiel deadpanned, holding up a sheaf of papers that were…  _ graphic _ to say the least. “What little of it I can read through the drink stains, the shaky hand writing, the horrible formatting, and the porn is… well, it’s mostly just higher dimensional math so that’s fine but… wow actually this is a lot of porn.”

“... Somehow, I’m not surprised,” Weiss sighed, blushing and looking away with one hand held protectively over her rear. 

“...then I’m out of ideas,” Ruby shrugged. “Is that really such a pressing issue?”

“... Well I mean, I guess not really since your Core seems like it’s formed correctly and there aren’t any latent signs of rejection,” Ramiel shrugged, poking around Ruby in multiple dimensions in ways that made Ruby’s eyes turn in very strange directions- or, her one eye swiveled around to stare at things only she and Penny could see, her Core eyeball just sat there and glowed. “Huh. Somehow you’re already part of the Family Network… weird. I’m gonna guess it’s because most of your work was based off of Uriel… that, or it’s because Penny just considers you to be her wife at this point and unconsciously entangled your souls together.”

"Oh, that sounds  _ wonderful!"  _ was Penny's contribution. "I'm so happy that my first friend is also my first wife!" 

“Married at sixteen,” Weiss sighed, watching Ruby and Penny hug and kiss with an air of something resembling jealousy. “What is she, a Gisney princess?”

“Do you want to marry her too?” Ciel asked. “I would not mind. I would like that too.”

“Of course I do!” Weiss huffed, crossing her arms and pouting with more than a little bit of a blush on her face. “I just wish  _ our _ souls were as connected as Penny and Ruby are.”

"That would be nice," Ciel agreed. 

“Can we focus on more important topics now?” General Ironwood spoke up suddenly, having finally gotten tired of the overly romantic gestures happening between Penny and Ruby at the moment and also all the talk about Cores and whatnot. “Like, perhaps, stopping the rest of Salem’s inner circle and maybe saving the world?”

“Right,” Ramiel nodded. “...who’s left again?”

“Arthur Watts and Hazel Rainart,” Winter Schnee answered promptly. “Whereabouts: Unknown.”

“Is one of them a really big angry dude who looks kind of like a bear?” Coco asked suddenly, speaking up from near the back of the room as she held up her scroll and projected a news broadcast onto the wall. “Cuz that guy’s  _ really _ throwing a bitch fit in the middle of Vale right now.”

“.... I seriously cannot believe the stupidity of that man,” Ironwood groaned, rubbing his forehead in pure exasperation. “Then again, the man joined Salem for the single stupidest reason possible, so it’s not like he was very smart to begin with.”

"We  _ just  _ got here," Ramiel complained. "I'm not going to go straight back  _ now..."  _

“Wait- nah, we’re good,” Coco shrugged as the news broadcast showed the massive man immediately get taken down by a bunch of generic Huntsmen- the kind that Ramiel initially wrote off as being losers who thought bandit chic was the all the rage. “Wow, is that  _ Cardin?” _

“... I can’t believe Cardin Winchester actually managed to do something useful with his life,” Velvet muttered, watching as Cardin managed to pull off an impressive three hit combo on Hazel, hitting him in the balls twice before turning around and doing the most impressive RKO the world had seen since Pyrrha’s last fight in the Mistral regional championships.

“Truly, the world is full of wonders,” Fox nodded sagely, folding his hands under his chin and purposefully facing the exact opposite wall from where Coco was projecting the extremely well filmed beatdown. 

“...Where the hell did they get those camera angles from?” Yatsuhashi asked rhetorically, scratching his head in confusion. “Some of them don’t seem… physically possible.”

“I just thought this world had Cinematic Cameras and the Rule of Cool applied,” Ramiel shrugged. “Makes as much sense as anything around here...”

“Actually I think the news teams just have a bunch of people with cool camera based Semblances hired,” Weiss pointed out, then paused and shrugged without really committing to her idea. “Or at least, that’s how it is here in Atlas the last time I checked.”

“Actually the press here in Atlas has moved onto remote camera drones,” Winter shook her head, interrupting Weiss. “But from the fluidity of the camera movements, it does indeed seem like Vale still has Semblance based newscasts.”

"...So are drones  _ more  _ or  _ less  _ fluid than Semblances?" Ramiel couldn't help but ask. 

“Far less, unfortunately, but they’re cheaper and easier to maintain than having to fly out a specific person with a specific Semblance everytime a news story needs combat footage,” Winter responded, shrugging when everyone else looked at her in some kind of confusion. “I was tangentially related to the project.”

“Can we  _ please _ get back on topic?” Ironwood demanded. 

“Right,” Winter coughed into her hand awkwardly and straightened up. “That takes care of Hazel for the time being- the only one we have to deal with now is Arthur Watts. Likely, since he is Salem’s intelligence officer, he will have one of two places to attack: Here, where all of Salem’s most prominent enemies are, or Vale, where Hazel and Cinder are being kept. Unfortunately for us, we have a bit of a disadvantage, considering the man designed Atlas’ entire security system before going rogue and faking his death.”

“Somebody remind me why it hasn’t been replaced yet,” Weiss demanded. “It sounds to me like we’re all compromised here.”

“It takes so much time and money to replace a security system that it was deemed a non issue, seeing as until recently everyone thought the man was dead,” Ironwood sighed, grumbling to himself and looking as though he’d rather be anywhere but in this exact situation at the moment.

Penny just blinked twice, let her eyes glow slightly, and tapped her heels against the floor. “Atlesian and Mantle security protocols updated. Two hundred and seventeen backdoors closed. Eight thousand security weak points removed. Security efficiency improved by six hundred percent. All council member login credentials are now Aura locked. Twelve thousand miscellaneous minor updates applied to the network. Arthur Watts can no longer access the security systems of either city.”

“... Well I guess that handles that,” Ramiel deadpanned, staring at Penny with something approaching jealousy, though tempered by her own ego telling her she was still the best at blowing shit up.

“...” Ironwood stared. “Right,” he decided. “Penny,  _ how. _ I understand that  _ you _ can calculate and execute at the speed of light, but I thought the rest of Atlas systems still couldn’t...”

“I am unsure!” Penny chirped, grinning brightly as she shrugged. “I simply put through a patch to the security system and I believe the conceptual nature of my soul simply extended out across Atlas and Mantle in order to facilitate the process!”

“Do you  _ SEE _ why I’m jealous of her?!” Ramiel exploded.

<>

“Sooooo….” Ruby almost drawled, rocking on her heels as she stood in front of Weiss, looking as if she wanted to say something but didn’t quite know how to say it. “Do you um… Weiss… that is… er…”

Weiss huffed, already well familiar with Ruby’s antics and cutting the other girl off before she could vibrate herself into a shower of rose petals or something inane and normally impossible. “Are you asking me to marry you, become an Angel, or both? Or is it some other thing that has nothing to do with our relationship?”

“Yes,” Ruby squeaked. “To the former. Yes. Absolutely.”

“O-oh, um… wow, that’s… this is a bit sudden, isn’t it?” Weiss immediately blushed, turning bright red as she brought her hands up in front of her mouth. “I-I mean I’d love to, b-but aren’t we moving a little fast?”

“N-not really,” Ruby offered. “We can totally get engaged and marry later and everything - I even have an engagement gift for you! Aunt Raven helped procure him and everything!”

“I...” Weiss paused. “...you do?”

Ruby nodded enthusiastically. “Uhuh!” She raised her voice. “Aunt Raven - she wants to see it!”

The door slid open, revealing the bandit queen in all her intimidating presence. In her hand, she held a bag.

It was struggling.

Raven put it down in front of Weiss and stood behind Ruby, both wearing incredibly proud grins.

Weiss  _ stared. _

After a few moments, the bag suddenly began shouting angrily through what sounded like some kind of gag before finally managing to open up and reveal…

“.... Ruby did you conspire with Raven to kidnap and tie up my father?” Weiss deadpanned dryly, watching as the hogtied form of Jacques Gelé thrashed around on the floor.

“Yup!” Ruby chirped, bouncing on her toes and watching intently as Weiss sighed, pulled out Myrtenaster, and  _ grinned. _

“This is the  _ best _ engagement gift I ever could have asked for,” Weiss murmured, her grin turning vicious and sharp as she kicked Jacque’s prone body and flipped him onto his back. “I’d say a few words to commemorate this moment,  _ Father _ , but… well. I hate you. I hate you and everything you did to Mother and Winter and I and- well, I guess Whitley’s just a little shit but you fucked him up too. So fuck you. I hope that whatever afterlife you wind up in, it’s a shitty one.”

With that, Weiss took a step forward, aimed her sword, and pierced Jacque right through the heart, the Dust chambers within activating and flash freezing his entire body into a brittle, icy statue.

She stared at her handiwork. “...I’m free,” she murmured. “Ha! I’m  _ free! _ ”

Weiss jumped into the air and hugged herself, giggling madly. “I can’t believe it! I did it! Hah!  _ Suck it Gele! _ ”

“Congratulations. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go drown myself in a bottle of cheap wine with Qrow,” Raven nodded stiffly, immediately turning around and walking out of the room as Ruby and Weiss began making out sloppily on the floor. “Fucking kids…”

“So, time to do sibling bonding over being just about middle aged, bitter, and lonely?” Qrow asked idly as Raven passed him in the halls, receiving a slight nod in return. “Well you’re gonna have to do it alone, cuz  _ I’ve _ got a date tonight.”

“.... You’re  _ shitting me _ ,” Raven muttered, staring at Qrow in open disbelief. “How in the nine hells did you manage to find someone willing to put up with your bullshit?”

“By finding the one guy on the planet who cancels out my Semblance,” Qrow bragged, then paused and rubbed his chin. “Wait, why were you planning on getting drunk anyway? Aren’t you married to that Vernal chick who’s still passed out in your room?”

“... Well, I was mostly planning on celebrating my niece getting engaged with my brother, who I  _ assumed _ was still mad about being middle aged, bitter, and lonely, but I suppose I can go fuck my wife instead.” Raven deadpanned, rolling her eyes and sighing. “Maybe we can try and make up later… or something.”

“.... Sure. Why not.”

Without another word, Qrow and Raven flew off in opposite directions, fluttering away on feathery wings.

<>

“So this is Atlas,” Louise observed. “I can’t say I’m impressed. Albion is far bigger than that.”

“Cold,” Tabitha agreed. “In several meanings of the word.”

“Like a city full of rich people, but not the nice kind,” Louise sighed, shivering a bit as she began walking through the streets, pursing her lips and taking in the sights of the technologically advanced city. “It’s… kind of awful, actually. The design of these buildings is just… bland. And really boring.”

“It is two cities,” Tabitha murmured, looking down towards Mantle. “The class segregation cannot be any more obvious.”

“Ramiel is up here with all the rich people,” Louise nodded around them. “I’m not sure if it’s a good thing or bad.”

“Still floating,” Tabitha agreed.

“Exactly!” Louise exclaimed. “Nothing has exploded! What the hell is she  _ doing? _ ”

“I’m certain there have been plenty of ‘explosions’,” Tabitha disagreed, snickering quietly. “If you know what I mean~”

Louise rolled her eyes. “No shit she’s been having sex, Tabby. I can already feel it from this distance.” She grinned. “I think this is the place, up ahead.”

“Atlas Academy,” Tabitha read. “Indeed. Shall we say hello?”

  
Louise’s grin turned sinister. “ _ Let’s. _ ”


	28. The Twenty-Eighth, In Which Louise Visits, and Ruby Does SCIENCE!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a year of no contact, Louise and Tabitha finally meet up with Ramiel, and incidentally also meet with her friends.
> 
> Cousin Rami calls.
> 
> Ruby talks Weiss into Mad Science.
> 
> Oh no.

“Oi!” a foot crashed through the door with all the force of an angry goddess, blowing it wide open as a palpable aura of dread flooded into the room. A pink haired demon strode through, hair floating in an invisible wind as she stalked into the office of James Ironwood. “Ramiel de la Valliere!”

“Oh  _ shit _ ,” Ramiel muttered, paling in the face as the form of her master strode across the room towards her. “Shit shit shit shit shit!”

“Why didn’t you tell me you got a girlfriend!?” Louise immediately whined, grabbing Ramiel by the shoulders and shaking her wildly, “You haven’t called in like a  _ year! _ Tabitha and I were starting to wonder if you were  _ dead _ or something!”

“Iiiiiii... forgot?” Ramiel tried. “Also, I don’t have  _ a _ girlfriend. I have two!”

“Congratulations,” Tabitha murmured as she slid out of seemingly nowhere (but really, she just entered while everyone else was distracted) and patted Ramiel’s head. “You managed to keep yourself from exploding everything. And enter a stable relationship. And restrain yourself from making well over thirty new family members.”

“There’s just the one,” Ramiel agreed. “Hi Tabitha!”

“Indeed,” the woman agreed. “You can let her go now, my Louise. I wish to meet your Familiar’s new friends...”

“Oh, you’re Ramiel’s head of house!” Ruby pointed out, eye and Core gleaming brightly as she hopped up and immediately dashed over to Louise. “It’s so nice to meet you!”

“... Welcome to Atlas,” Ironwood deadpanned dryly, palming his face as he tried vainly to regain control of the meeting. “We were just going over battle plans to prevent the slow and creeping death of all of humanity and faunus-kind, most of which at this point have somehow changed to involve Miss Ramiel here somehow seducing the enemy of all mankind and sleeping with her until she stops being evil.”

“That tracks,” Louise agreed. “I take it you’re going to Core her, set to curse-purging, and hope for the best?” she asked Ramiel. “I see subtlety is still a lost art to you.” 

She turned to Ruby. “So, kid, you’re the weird one that figured out a Core? Tell me. How long did my Familiar last?”

“Uhhh…. a little over five and a half months, I think? About six and a half if we count the time that Professor Ozpin took to find out,” Ruby answered, scratching her head and counting on her fingers. “Yeah… I think that’s about right. Something like that. But I’m pretty sure everyone  _ suspected _ something was up from day one. Ramiel is…  _ not _ subtle. At all.”

Louise nodded. "I know. I'm not actually sure who rubbed more off on who, me on her or vice versa - our Familiar connection is a  _ deep  _ one. I'm actually surprised she lasted that long - almost made it to the deadline! I'll have to make sure she doesn't forget that one." 

"I'm  _ right here,"  _ the Angel complained. 

“I know you are dear,” Louise smiled condescendingly and patted her pouting familiar on the head. “Congratulations on actually almost winning the bet, though. You did… a lot better than I thought you were.”

“She thought you’d snap and blow up half a city within the first month,” Tabitha drolled, rolling her eyes as she knelt down to examine Ruby’s Core eyeball. “Solid work, but a bit rough around the edges. Would you like me to refine your Core to bring it up to spec with the rest of the network? Your data structures are slightly off.”

Ruby looked uncertain. “I, I’m not sure? I mean, I managed it basically all on my own with some dubious help by cocaine, so this would feel a bit... cheap?” She nodded to herself and shook her head. “So uh, thanks but no thanks, I wanna figure it out on my own.”

“If you are sure. But I will fix it if it causes you medical problems,” Tabitha nodded, patting Ruby on the head before turning to face the rest of the room, looking about before finding Coco and Velvet, both of them looking quite awkward. “Ah. You’re the two that Ramiel has fallen for.”

Well,  _ Coco _ looked quite awkward.  _ Velvet _ bounded right over as soon as Tabitha noticed them, and grinned. “Hai there! You must be the adopted moms of our beautiful little sapphire, aren’t you?”

_ “Velvet!” _ Ramiel hissed in the background and was summarily ignored.

“Technically, yes,” Tabitha nodded before beckoning Louise over, who simply smiled at Velvet with an honestly quite happy expression on her face.

“It’s nice to meet you- Velvet, was it?” Louise asked, holding her hand out to Velvet, who shook it while nodding. “I hear you’ve done wonders for restraining Ramiel’s more… destructive… impulses.”

“Being a rabbit does that,” Velvet nodded. “She’s the first person I’ve met who can actually  _ match my stamina! _ ”

_ “Velvet!” _ Coco hissed alongside Ramiel, both of them looking equally flustered. They were still ignored.

“No, that’s not a slight on Coco either,” Velvet agreed. “She tries, bless her, but she’s still human, you know. I don’t want to addict her to cocaine either...”

“Cocaine is very unhealthy,” Penny spoke up, giving a pointed look to Ruby, who had the good graces to be embarrassed about her seventy two hour long drug fueled frenzy the other day. “Hello new mother, other new mother! My name is Penny Polendina, but my Angelic designation is Uriel! Please call me Penny, though, as I prefer my original name.”

"Wait, we're  _ actually  _ running with this gag?" Louise asked. "No, not important. Hello Penny! You're the AI?" 

"Apparently," Tabitha murmured. "Hello, Penny. Nice to meet you." 

“It’s wonderful to meet you both!” Penny bounced on her toes, grinning wide before immediately dashing forward and wrapping Louise and Tabitha in a tight, almost bone cracking hug. 

"She's adorable," Tabitha decided. "Can we keep her?" 

"...Tabby, she's very clearly Family already," Louise deadpanned. "We already  _ are  _ keeping her." 

“Of course,” Tabitha nodded, then tilted her head and turned back to face the rest of the room. “Does anyone else here wish to join the family? From what little I’ve managed to glean from Ramiel’s data packages here so far, we need an Anchor soul in case the apocalypse happens when Ramiel inevitably decides to kill a pair of gods.”

“... I thought that was Ruby’s job?” Penny immediately spoke up, motioning at her girlfriend/wife who simply blinked in confusion.

“Penny what are you talking about?” Ruby asked, rubbing her Core eyeball as she faced Penny, completely and utterly lost.

“Your soul is uniquely tied to the concepts of  _ scatter _ and  _ reformation _ , as well as a minor in  _ transport _ and  _ Soul Projection _ ,” Penny explained, as if that actually explained anything instead of adding more questions. “Thus, out of everyone in this room, I believe you are most capable of being the anchor point for all of Remnant’s native born souls- excluding Angels, whom will return to one of the Progenitors back in our species’ new home realm of Halkeginia- as you will not only be able to collect the scattered souls automatically, but re-form them into their living bodies once the land is safe to settle again.”

Penny paused for a moment and had the good graces to look sheepish as she motioned towards Tabitha. “If you are to do that, though, you do need to do as new mother asked and fix your data structures to properly interface with the Family Network in full.”

"...I'll think about it," Ruby allowed. 

A strange crystalline ringing noise suddenly erupted into the room, Ramiel swearing and pulling out her crossdimensional phone. "Dammit Ikari,  _ warn  _ a person-" 

She cut herself off. "...Huh."

"Who's calling you?" Tabitha asked curiously. 

"Rami," Ramiel replied distractedly. "Hrm. What does  _ she _ want... Wait I can just ask can't I." She pressed the answer button. 

A hologram unfolded, showing a girl very similar to Ramiel, sitting on a ledge of some sort. She was wearing a shit-eating grin on her face and a guitar on her lap.  _ "Sup, Test-Type,"  _ she greeted. 

"Whaddya want, Prototype," Ramiel snapped. Behind her, Louise and Ironwood exchanged glances, rolling eyes in unified exasperation. "Where are you, anyway?" 

_ "Funny story about that,"  _ Rami answered.  _ "Basically, I get to pull a you without having to worry about the bullshit! Isn't that grand?"  _

Ramiel frowned. "The fuck you mean  _ pull a me?"  _ she demanded. "What did you  _ do?"  _

Rami leaned back and produced a pair of sunglasses out of nowhere.  _ "Actually,"  _ she corrected smugly,  _ "I didn't do anything. Things happened to me, not the other way around... Just like they once happened to you."  _

Ramiel furrowed her brow. "Stop talking in circles, Prototype," she snapped. "Out with it. You're gloating.  _ Why."  _

Still grinning, Rami adjusted her sunglasses, incidentally showing off the back of her hand in the process. Behind Ramiel, Louise and Tabitha's eyes widened. 

"I'm sorry?" Ramiel demanded. "What the fuck is that." 

_ "That, my dear Test-Type,"  _ Rami gloated,  _ "or more specifically  _ _ those _ _ , are  _ **_Familiar Runes_ ** _."  _

Ramiel blanked. "I beg your fucking pardon." 

_ "Then beg,"  _ Rami retorted,  _ "for you're looking at the Gandalfr of one Louise Françoise le Blanc de la Vallière. Surprised, Test-Type?"  _

Before Ramiel could answer, she found herself shoved away. " _ Extremely _ surprised," her Louise snapped. "What the Hell, young lady?" 

_ "Oh hello Tzadkiel,"  _ Rami greeted.  _ "Honestly I have no idea. One moment I'm heading for a jam sesh with Shamshel, the next I'm climbing out of a crater and getting kissed by a pinkette."  _ She took a moment to waggle her eyebrows.  _ "This one has quite a bit of  _ **_experience,_ ** _ by the way. And a girlfriend already! I'm proud."  _

Louise narrowed her eyes. "...Are you sitting on top of the Academy?" 

_ "Yes I am,"  _ Rami agreed.  _ "Master is having a secret night out with the love of her life, so I gave them some space. You're going to  _ **_love_ ** _ this, by the way."  _

"Is it Kirche?" Tabitha murmured from behind Louise (and on top of a disgruntled Ramiel. "It is, isn't it." 

_ "Hai Nuriel,"  _ Rami greeted.  _ "And yep. Apparently they've been together for a year or so already. Absolutely  _ **_adorable_ ** _ if you ask me."  _

A groan sounded as Ramiel fought her way back to the top. "Did you call just to  _ gloat?  _ Because you realize that you still have to deal with all the bullshit I had to, right?" 

If anything, Rami looked even  _ more  _ smug.  _ "Nope! The Earth this Halkeginia is connected to is a completely normal Earth. No sign of any other Angels, Lilim, Spears, Evas, Ikaris... Siesta’s ancestor is named Takeo and the local Louise doesn't have any Lilim ancestry either. I'm expecting to have a  _ **_fun_ ** _ time!" _

"...I  _ despise  _ you," Ramiel hissed. 

Rami shrugged.  _ "Mission accomplished, then. Ciao!"  _

The call winked out. Ramiel took a  _ deep _ breath. 

"<>!" 

“Ruby, what the fuck is that.”

Ruby looked up from her workbench, grinning widely. “Hey Weiss! Er, I made a drink. Of sorts. By some measure of the word.”

Weiss  _ sighed, _ pinching the bridge of her nose. “Is this the thing you were consuming when you went full Mad Scientist on yourself?”

Ruby waved a hand. “Don’t be silly Weiss, of course it isn’t. It’s an  _ improvement! _ A refinement! The superior model!”

Weiss stared  _ hard _ at the bubbling, frothing, noxiously green mixture. “You’re not allowed to have a repeat of what happened last time,” she deadpanned. “In fact, I’m pretty sure this thing belongs in a hazarous materials waste containment unit, and not anywhere  _ near _ anyone’s stomach...”

“It’s not going to be a repeat,” Ruby snapped, standing and pouring the mixture into a pair of champagne glasses. “But there  _ is _ going to be a lot of spare energy, so yeah.” She took a glass to herself, before adding the other one to Weiss - who took it like someone handling a live grenade. Or perhaps holding a miniature Taijitu.

“Are you  _ seriously _ expecting me to drink that?” Weiss questioned with an appalled expression on her face. 

Ruby raised an eyebrow. Weiss glared back. Ruby toasted her fiance. Weiss took a deep breath. Ruby grinned.

“If I die, I’m going to fucking  _ haunt _ you,” Weiss snarked. She clinked the glasses together with Ruby. “Bottoms up.”

Both of them drained their glasses.

<>

In darkness, an eye snapped open.

Then another.

A figure rose from a bed and turned on the lights, yawning. “This is entirely too early,” they murmured. “What woke me?”

The figure padded to the nearest window and looked outside, over a bleak landscape filled with... nothing much, to be honest. “Not this,” they decided.

They walked over to the door and pushed it open. Halfway there, it met an obstruction.

The figure looked down. Wedged between the door and the wall was an enormous box. They examined it. On its side, there was a label.

“‘Ultralight reinforced bedframe’,” the figure read bemusedly. “‘For when normal bedwear cannot withstand your vigor!’ ...what the hell?” They looked closer. “‘*Mattresses sold separately. Happy assembly!’”

They stared at the box. “What,” said Salem.


	29. The Twenty-Ninth, In Which Ruby Starts Losing Regard For Others' Safety

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Weiss awakens to a headache of new sensations, Penny is worried out of her mind, and Ruby starts slipping into the Sparky mindset.
> 
> Oh no.

Weiss awoke, and immediately wished she hadn’t. The lights were way too bright, the voices were way too loud, and her mouth felt weird.

“Wfffpnd...” she groaned.

“I’m disappointed in you, Weiss,” said a voice. Weiss thought it sounded like Penny. Which was ridiculous. Penny didn’t talk like Winter.

“G’way Wintrrr...” she provided.

“I’m Penny, not Winter,” said Penny’s voice, still sounding like Winter. “Just because I’m disappointed in you doesn’t mean I’m automatically your sister.”

“WhhdidI-” Weiss stopped. “Ah.”

The memories flooded back.

“...C’n I hff a mirror?”

Wordlessly, Penny produced one. Weiss took it and, wincing from the light, looked into it.

...Dammit.

Just like with Ruby before her, Weiss’ eye had been replaced with a gleaming red Core. For some reason, it seemed a lot... cleaner? than Ruby’s. Oh right. They’d upgraded Ruby’s Core too. So why’d her mouth feel weird?

Weiss smiled experimentally, and then  _ stared _ at her reflection.

“...Why do I hff sshfp teef now?”

She narrowed her eyes.  _ No. I refuse to sound like I have the world’s worst lisp. _ “What is with the shark grin?” she enunciated carefully.

“Because not only did you imbibe a stimulant liquid that the Atlesian Chemistry Society has deemed closer to  _ rocket fuel _ than  _ potable substances _ , you also went on yet  _ another _ seventy two hour science binge with Ruby, culminating in you inhaling a completely unstable Dust mixture right as your Soul was crystallized into a Core, and now you’re a Shark Faunus!” Penny finished off, her voice raising nearly to a scream as she grabbed Weiss’ shoulders and stared directly into her eyes, tears beading up in her own green pair as she fought to keep herself from sniffling. “Weiss, I love you, and I hope you realize that I am doing this for your own good, but YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE GONE ALONG WITH RUBY’S INSANE SCIENCE PLANS! WHAT ON REMNANT WERE YOU  _ THINKING!? _ I EXPERIENCED MY FIRST STRESS INDUCED HEART ATTACK FORTY EIGHT HOURS AGO BECAUSE OF THIS INCIDENT AND  **_I DON’T EVEN HAVE A HEART!_ ** _ ” _

“I was thinking that I was going to haunt Ruby if I actually  _ did _ die from it,” Weiss said. “...this does not help, does it.”

“NO IT DOES NOT!” Penny shouted in full, hoisting Weiss over her shoulder (and Ruby, now that Weiss was fully cognizant of the other girl passed out and drooling on Penny’s other shoulder) before marching off to the infirmary. “As much as I hate to say this, but you two… you two need help. Clearly, recent events have had more of a deleterious effect on your cognitive capabilities than I thought- Ruby’s recklessness is evident, and  _ your _ recklessness even more so!”

"Can't I just chalk it up under an extended 'freedom from Jacques' party?" Weiss pleaded. "Come on, throw me a bone here, Penny..." 

“Weiss, I thought you two were going to  _ die _ ,” Penny stressed the last word, setting Weiss and Ruby down on the closest infirmary beds and chewing on her lip as she paced back and forth, more disheveled and unkempt than she’d ever been before, with deep bags under her bloodshot eyes despite not having an actual circulatory system. “Ruby’s body can handle the stimulants she drank, yes, but your body wasn’t equipped for that and I suspect that the only reason why you two survived is the fact that Ruby is  _ obscenely _ lucky with this kind of thing! Why would you do something so reckless!? Why would you drink some kind of untested chemical cocktail without regard for safety!? Do you really value your life so little!?”

Weiss took a deep breath, and let it out. "Are you actually wearing signs of exhaustion as a  _ cosmetic  _ choice?" she deflected. "...or is it a guilt trip attempt...?" 

_ "Weiss,"  _ Penny snapped. "Stop deflecting and give me a straight answer! I'm  _ worried  _ about you! Both of you!" 

"Ruby cooked it up," Weiss tried. "Don't you trust her?" 

"To watch my back, to build a weapon better than anyone else I know, to love me unconditionally, and to give me hugs if I need them? Always," Penny replied seriously. "To mix a drink? Nope. Never. Not in a million goddamn years. And you're distracting me again. What question were you so afraid of...?" 

"I love you, Penny," Weiss murmured. 

"I love you too," Penny shot back, "but why the heck are... You... oh no." 

"Penny-" Weiss began. 

"That's it, isn't it?" Penny murmured, tears beginning to fall from her eyes. "You don't value your own life at all, do you, Weiss?" 

"You do know what I grew up with, right?" the Schnee deadpanned. "It's fine. I'm used to-" 

_ "YOU SHOULDN'T BE!"  _ Penny roared, launching herself into a desperate hug with Weiss. "You don't deserve it! You didn't deserve any of it!" 

Weiss stopped, shuddering silently as her eyes went wide.

Thoughts roiled around in her mind as Penny hugged her close, their Cores pulsing in time as Penny  _ flooded _ Weiss’ soul with the sheer depth of her emotions. Warmth and caring, love and sadness, every last bit of Penny bared to her with the all consuming intent of showing Weiss that she  _ should _ value her own life, that she was loved, that she was free, that she was finally able to be  _ happy. _

She sobbed, a quiet sniffle cutting through the silence before the floodgates opened and unleashed eighteen years of repressed trauma all at once.

“All... according... to Keikaku,” Ruby whispered from the other bed.

“Have you been awake this whole time!?” Penny immediately shrieked, glaring at Ruby accusingly. “Wait- was this your plan the whole time!?”

“Ah-uh- um-!” Ruby immediately squeaked as Penny loomed over her, paling in fear as she scooted back. “Ah-uh-uhhh!!!”

“<>!!!!”

“That’s not going to work this time!” Penny immediately pounced on Ruby, smashing through the verbal scene break as she grabbed Ruby’s shoulders and started shaking her like a dog with a chew toy. “WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!? ARE YOU TELLING ME YOU SERIOUSLY PUT WEISS AT SERIOUS RISK OF  _ DEATH _ JUST SO I WOULD YELL AT HER HARD ENOUGH TO BREAK THROUGH HER REPRESSED TRAUMAS!? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!? I THOUGHT YOU WERE SMARTER THAN THAT!”

"What- NO!" Ruby yelped. "I just pretended to be asleep so that she’d talk with you - also why do you assume Weiss was anywhere near a risk of any type of death in the first place!? Don't you trust me? The mixture I gave her was nothing stronger than a strong cup of coffee!" 

“... Then how the hell did the two of you manage to-” Penny sat back, staring between Ruby and Weiss, both of whom just seemed quite confused. “... If you gave Weiss the equivalent of a cup of coffee, then how in the nine hells did you manage to do a seventy two hour long science binge the likes of which has only been exceeded in sheer stupidity by Ruby’s initial science binge?”

"Slow burn," Ruby explained. "The first time I just gave myself a near-overdose of cocaine-based energy drinks, so that I could stay awake for long enough to finish my Core, and that one nearly  _ did _ kill me." 

She vanished in a burst of rose petals, reappearing on  _ both sides  _ of Weiss and grabbing her into a doubled hug. "I  _ know  _ it would be a downright moronic thing to repeat the experience with Weiss and just  _ hope  _ the luck works out, so I did as I said and improved on the concept," one of her said. 

The other Ruby just smiled and nodded, hugging Weiss tighter. 

"...Then what about the ACS report?" Penny asked slowly. 

"I was trying to synthesize some rocket fuel," Ruby waved her hand irritably. "Not my fault the lot of them went sniffing around in my lab and came back with the wrong thing." 

"...so what  _ was  _ in the cocktail?" Weiss asked. "And what exactly did it do?" 

"I did have to use my AT-field to get some parts of the concept to work," Ruby confessed, "but essentially it contained food coloring, a stimulant, and a release agent to modulate the stimulant output across 72 hours." 

Weiss narrowed her eyes. "...What was the stimulant?" 

"N-methylamphetamine," Ruby dodged. "Anyway-" 

"That's  _ meth,"  _ Penny said flatly. " _ Ruby Rose..."  _

“Mrrp!” Ruby immediately vanished from sight, blurring into a cloud of rose petals that vanished off into the distance, trailing down the halls and leaving a slowly dissolving mess behind… along with a shell shocked Weiss, who just looked down at her hands in sheer  _ wonder _ .

“... How the  _ fuck _ am I still alive after  _ drinking meth _ ,” Weiss blinked and tilted her head. “... I mean I suppose the Core helped, but either Ruby lied about that drink being only as strong as coffee, or I must have drank something  _ really _ stupid in the intervening hours because my memories are  _ far _ too fuzzy and half gone for something that’s supposed to be “as strong as coffee” quote unquote.”

“ _ Gee, _ ” Penny drawled. “I sure wish I could  _ ask _ her about that.”

“I-I’m sure she meant well?” Weiss tried. “I don’t think she’s all that  _ capable _ of meaning any of us harm...”

“Oh I know she meant well,” Penny patted Weiss on the head, smiling a bit before her face settled back into a tired frown. “And I’ll be sure to congratulate her on her first Angelic conversion success later. Once I get some sleep. And after I…  _ punish _ her properly for being so reckless and also possibly lying to me about what kind of stimulants she placed in your and her bloodstreams.”

Weiss blushed and looked away, muttering a quick prayer for Ruby’s poor butt as she imagined just what Penny was going to do to Ruby as punishment.

"Get your mind out of the gutter," Penny admonished, "I'm hardly going to give her a punishment she'd  _ enjoy,  _ that's completely counterproductive." 

"S-stop peeking in my daydreams!" Weiss shrieked. 

<>

“You gotta hide me!” Ruby shrieked, barging into Yang’s room and diving under the bed in a flurry of rose petals…

Only to immediately throw herself back out with a disgusted scream, retching and frantically shaking her hands as if she’d touched something sticky and gross under there.

Considering that Pyrrha, Blake, and Neo were once again unconscious on the bed, very obviously stark naked beneath the blankets…

Well.

Perhaps Yang should have laid down some plastic sheeting.

“Gross gross gross gross gross! It’s so gross! Ew ew ew ew ew!!!!!!”

Then again, watching Ruby flail around and act as if she needed to cleanse her hands in fire to feel clean again was kinda funny.

“I hardly think this is the first time you’ve been covered in this,” Yang couldn’t help but poke. Hm. Odd, she didn’t feel a burning rage she’d  _ thought _ she’d feel about the thought of her little sister being covered in someone else’s sexual fluids and theeeere it was. “On a related note, am I allowed to kill Weiss any time soon?”

“Don’t kill my wife!” Ruby huffed, wiping her hands off on the closest clean surface and crossing her arms. “Just hide me from my other wife!”

With that, Ruby dived under the desk that Yang had been sitting at, much to Yang’s confusion.

“... Did you go do something stupid again- actually what am I saying, you vanished for three days, of course you did something stupid again,” Yang deadpanned, rolling her eyes and groaning as she nudged Ruby with her boot. “Lil sis, you really gotta lay off the meth. I know you’re technically immortal now but that  _ can’t  _ be good for your health.”

"I gave half to Weiss this time!" Ruby protested. "Also, I Cored Weiss and manipulated Penny into giving her therapy. Also Weiss is a Faunus now. ...I've been busy, okay!?" 

“... There’s a lot to unpack there but let’s just throw away the entire suitcase,” Yang deadpanned, patting Ruby’s head and sighing as she tried not to think about how dumb Ruby was being lately. “Actually y’know what, I need you to explain just how the hell Weiss turned into a Faunus- like, both how and  _ why _ you thought it’d be a good idea to do that.”

“That last part was an accident,” Ruby whined. “Neither of us planned it! She sneezed at exactly the wrong time! That reminds me.” She narrowed her eyes, glaring straight into her sister’s. “ _ One _ ‘Great Weiss Shark’ joke from you and I  _ will _ shoot you in the crotch with Crescent Rose. Got it?”

“... She’s a  _ Shark _ Faunus?” Yang stared at Ruby, jaw hanging loose as she tried to come up with a coherent thought. “... Also don’t you  _ dare _ shoot me in the pussy. I need that to get fucked by my girlfriends.”

She paused, then coughed awkwardly into her hand. “Er, I mean- is she doing okay? What trait does she have? It’s not gills, is it? That’d be… pretty bad on land.”

“Teeth,” Ruby said. “She’s... coping.”

“Love bites are gonna be awkward,” Yang joked. “But seriously is she okay?”

“She’s with Penny,” Ruby answered. “Also I’m hiding from Penny because the drink I shared with Weiss had methamphetamine in it.”

“That’d do it,” Yang agreed.

She paused again, then immediately grabbed Ruby’s head much like a basketball, lifting her little sister up and shaking her back and forth wildly. “WHY DID YOU FILL WEISS’ DRINK WITH METH!? WHY DID YOU DRINK METH  _ AGAIN!?” _

“I needed to keep her up for long enough to properly crystallize her Soul!” Ruby protested. “Also it wasn’t like,  _ crystal meth _ or anything, I modulated the dosage to not be lethal to her, and it doesn’t affect  _ my own _ health adversely at all anymore, so I was never in any danger!”

_ “AND WHAT ABOUT  _ **_WEISS!?_ ** _ ” _ Yang roared.

“YouknowwhatI’moutbye!” Ruby decided, dissolving into a tornado of rose petals and shooting off into the nearest air vent.

Yang  _ sighed. _ “I suddenly completely understand Penny’s reaction,” she groaned.

<>

It had been several days since the delivery of the bedframe, and Salem was no closer to figuring out how the fuck had it even arrived. True, she  _ had _ assembled it, and it  _ had _ survived mauling attempts by several large Grimm she’d set on it, but she still had no idea how it had appeared in her castle in the first place.

A  _ thump _ distracted her from the mystery, although she had a sneaking suspicion it was simply another facet in the conundrum.

Sure enough, there was a large, suspiciously mattress-shaped package leaning against the wall. It also had another note on it.

“‘Smooth fabric and tough springs with reinforced endoskeleton!’” she read bemusedly. “‘So you can pound or get pounded to your heart’s content-’ am I being flirted with?”

Salem looked between the giant bedframe and the giant mattress and put the pieces together. She began chuckling.

“How assured of them,” she mused mirthfully. “Truly, just about the boldest proposition I have gotten in centuries. I think I’ll humor them when they show their face at last.”

The Queen of the Grimm smiled to herself. Losing pawns like Cinder or Hazel or Tyrian might have been highly irritating, and Watts was in complete radio silence, but at the very least she had something to entertain herself with, wouldn’t she?

  
Yes. That would do  _ nicely. _


	30. The Thirtieth, In Which Penny Is Wise, Weiss Gains Another Power, And Salem Is Surprised.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louise and Penny see who can create a better rendition of their Family Tree. Jaune's Unspoken Plan comes to fruition.
> 
> Cinder escapes from Vale and cuts ties with Salem.
> 
> Oh no.

“.... I hate this so much,” Louise sighed, groaning as she hunched over a table and continued adding names to an increasingly complicated web of names, faces, and familial statuses. “I hate literally  _ everything _ about this. My hand huuuurts!”

"Why  _ are  _ you doing this by hand, by the way?" Penny spoke up from right over her shoulder, where she'd been observing Louise for the past two hours. "Wouldn't it make more sense to just chart it out in a program?" 

“I’ve tried. It went… poorly,” Louise groaned louder, looking through the reams of parchment she’d used to try and chart out the family tree, most of which were completely unreadable due to the ever expanding mess of lines and arrows. “And this is pretty much the simplest way to do it that doesn’t involve some kind of horrible mess of technology crashing every thirty minutes while trying to chart what’s starting to feel like some hundred or so family members.”

“I can help though!” Penny chirped. “I mean, do you  _ know _ what my calculation speed is?”

“Well into the ridiculous numbers I’m sure, but I still prefer to do this by hand.” Louise rubbed her wrist, then set down her pen and sighed. “But at this point, the family’s grown too large for me to want to do that. So go ahead, I guess.”

Penny cracked her knuckles. She then dug deep into her Core and projected the current state of her Family into the air before them. “Step one is done,” she chirped, an almost smug tone in her voice.

Louise  _ glared _ at the floating chart. “I’m not sure who’s cheating harder,” she grumbled, “technology or you.”

“Oh, it’s absolutely me,” Penny noted. “You want it on paper? I think I can synthesize some actual tapestry too if you want...”

“.... Y’know what, fine. Sure. Go ahead. I’m going to go get Tabitha to ice my wrist,” Louise sighed, shaking her head as she stood up and walked away, grumbling quietly as she walked away and left Penny alone with what was honestly a ridiculous amount of paper that Louise had pulled out from… somewhere. Penny wasn’t  _ entirely _ sure, but she suspected that Louise had a secret pocket dimension somewhere in her Core.

"For someone who grew up without technology," the gynoid mused, "She sure did pick up tech-based cheating fast. Or, wait." Penny examined the paper closer. "Nevermind, this is traditional paper. Wonder what kind of magic was involved..." 

Penny shrugged. She then took the sheets of paper, arranging them in the air in front of her, before flexing her AT-field and fusing them all into a single sheet. 

Next, she projected her chart slightly above the sheet and looked around for the ink; finding the correct bottle, she arranged its contents using another facet of her AT-field into the correct shape. 

Penny hummed to herself. "Could be fancier," she decided, and added more ink, forming serifs and thematic motifs around the names. 

As a finisher, the cheater Angel flash-fired the entire web of ink to the paper, smiling lightly as she modulated various colours of the ink in the process. The entire tree was finished off with a thin layer of clear plastic over [the entire thing](https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/225643843603791872/736926485838954536/ToZ_Family_Tree.png). 

"Well, that's done," Penny declared to her audience of one. Wait, one? 

"Hello Sister!" she chirped. "What do you think?" 

“... I can’t believe you managed to redo the  _ entire _ family tree without missing anything,” Ramiel deadpanned, staring at the mess of color coordinated lines and pictures, whistling lowly as she traced the tangled, geometrically spaced lines with a single finger. “Man, this is… wow. It’s a lot more than I thought it’d be. Kyuu n’ Raziel have been  _ busy _ . Gaghiel too.”

“It is honestly quite impressive,” Penny nodded. “Did you want to add to it, Sister?”

“I...” Ramiel hesitated. “Don’t get me wrong, I want to add Coco and Velvet, but...” 

Penny raised an eyebrow. “Technically, they’re already on there as your girlfriends,” she pointed out. “Or were you thinking of something more permanent?”

“... I don’t know,” Ramiel admitted after a few moments, chewing on her lip as she stared at the family tree in something resembling trepidation- an uncommon expression to see on her face, even under the worst of circumstances. “It’s just… I have nightmares about that kind of thing sometimes, y’know? I’ll adopt new family members and I won’t be able to protect them…”

She took a shuddering breath, clenching her fists and looking down at the floor.

“... and then some new threat comes… and I can’t… I won’t be able to save them until it’s too late.”

Quietly, Penny stepped closer to her sister and pulled her into a hug. "You have experienced trauma in that very manner," she said quietly. "It is natural to have fears about the traumatic situation repeating itself." 

She suddenly nuzzled Ramiel. "That being said... Death is no longer permanent for us all, is it? No..." Penny frowned. "That was the wrong thing to say, wasn't it? I apologise." 

"Just about," Ramiel agreed dryly. 

"But even without it," Penny continued, "and on a different viewpoint - to lock out those feelings is not healthy either. Have you talked to them? As in, sat down with them and spoken about your hopes and fears on the matter? You should really get on that," she advised. 

“... I should. I know I should… but it’s hard. It’s… it’s the scariest thing I’ve even thought about doing,” Ramiel sighed, hugging Penny tight and sniffling quietly. “How am I supposed to do this? I’m not… I’m not any good at anything like this! I’m a dumb, gay rock and my only talent is blowing things up with lasers!”

"Just be yourself," Penny advised. "Coco knows what she's doing. She and Velvet will kiss that self-deprecation out of you in no time." 

“... Y’know, somehow that actually  _ does  _ make me feel a little better. Against all odds,” Ramiel stepped back and smiled at her sister, ruffling her orange curls with one hand. “When did you get so wise, baby sister?”

“Somewhere between Ruby making me catalogue  _ worry _ and Weiss making me catalogue _ a fucking heart attack, _ ” Penny groused. “Don’t get me wrong, I love them to bits, but  _ someone _ has to be wise and it’s not either of them.”

“Yeah but isn’t that what you have Ciel for?” Ramiel deadpanned, pointing at the silent girl standing in the doorway, who simply waved and smiled once noticed.

“... No, Ciel is the important part of our harem in that she can actually keep track of time and hold a schedule,” Penny responded, skipping over to Ciel and hugging her tightly. “Ruby and Weiss are…”

“They tend to spend more time having one quickie after another than even remotely pretending to try to be on time,” Ciel sighed, rolling her eyes as she gently kissed Penny.

Ramiel snorted, chuckling under her breath at Ciel’s words. “Sounds like my own little harem. I’m gonna go take care of that now, I guess. Thanks, Penny.”

“You’re welcome, Sister!” Penny chirped. She then nuzzled her third girlfriend as Ramiel walked out of the window and somewhere towards elsewhere.

<>

“Hey Weiss, do you have a moment?”

Weiss turned away from the window she’d been looking out of, raising an eyebrow. “Jaune. Hello. We haven’t seen hide nor hair of Team RNJR in ages, where have you lot been?”

“Around,” the second in command of said team shrugged. “You probably want plausible deniability so I won’t talk much, but she wants to see you.”

“...‘She’?” Weiss questioned. “She who?”

Jaune looked around. “...Come with me and find out?” he offered. “Look, I’m not sure how to explain it myself, but... just come, okay?”

“... Okay but I expect you to at least  _ try _ to explain this to me on the way there,” Weiss huffed, motioning for Jaune to lead her on. “C’mon then, let’s go already. I’m assuming that whatever you need me for is important, so let’s not waste any time.”

"Okay so," Jaune explained as the two walked down a corridor, "Basically, you remember the Plan I formulated before we even came to Atlas?" 

"Vaguely," Weiss snarked. Her eye suddenly widened. "Wait, wasn't it your  _ plan  _ about the-" 

"Yep," Jaune confirmed, popping the 'p'. "Basically, it's a success. Practically, there's a complication." 

"Of course there is," Weiss sighed. "Wait, is  _ that  _ the 'she' you mentioned? Exactly  _ what  _ is the complication, Jaune?" 

"Old age," the medic sighed. "She's... Forgetful. My Semblance helps, but she's basically  _ begging  _ to move on at this point." 

"But why ask for..." Weiss murmured, before her eyes widened. "... _ Oh." _

“... Yeah. I dunno why she asked for you specifically when she only really knows your sister and… well, the useless half of RNJR,” Jaune shrugged, sighing a bit as he ran his fingers through his hair. “And no, don’t say anything about us not being useless. We know we’re pretty useless against the stuff Ramiel’s planning on doing. It’s fine. We’ll stick to just killing Grimm, y’know?”

"I mean, that  _ is  _ why you became Huntsmen in the first place," Weiss pointed out. "Also, don't you  _ fucking dare  _ call yourselves useless when pulling off the biggest heist since the Mistralian Job. Got it?" 

“... I mean this is less of a heist and more like a really shitty visit to grandma’s house,” Jaune deadpanned, scratching his head and looking down at his wrist. “That said, we really should hurry up before Ironwood has a chance to get all pissed at us. He probably wouldn’t be able to  _ do _ anything without Ramiel blowing up… er…  _ Atlas _ , but he’ll definitely yell at us a whole bunch.”

Weiss nodded. “True. Then let’s move.”

The pair stalked down two corridors, three sets of stairs, and a few more odd turns, before reaching an important-looking steel door. Weiss stared at it. “I feel like there should be guards here,” she muttered.

“Yeah, we arranged them out of the way,” Jaune admitted. “C’mon. Just through this door.”

“And they just  _ let _ you arrange them away?” Weiss asked a bit incredulously as she stepped through the slowly opening doors, before turning to Jaune. “... Wait, do you mean arranged as in reassigned or arranged as in knocked them out and tied them up in a bathroom?”

“Yes,” Jaune offered, not moving from his place as the doors closed again, leaving Weiss alone in the room.

“Hello... young one.”

Correction, alone with the granny. Weiss turned around.

The Winter Maiden was... frail. That was the first impression Weiss got. The old woman... she  _ looked _ old on that bed. Tired. Weiss stepped closer. “Hello?” she tried.

The woman looked towards her. Weiss noted that her gaze seemed... dull. “Hello, child,” she whispered. “Come closer.”

Weiss did so. “Are you... okay?” she asked.

The woman tilted her head. “...I’m old,” she said. She looked thoughtful. “I think... I had a job to do.”

Weiss looked around, feeling awkward. “...And what job was that?” she asked.

The old lady blinked. “I was supposed to protect the power of the Winter Maiden,” she said slowly. “You are... a Schnee? One of... Regina’s...?”

“She was my great-grandmother,” Weiss said carefully. “You... knew her?”

The woman looked to the ceiling. “I think I saw her when she was... my age,” she whispered. “She asked me what my name was. She asked me to keep her power safe... until the Schnees had daughters again...” She looked back over towards Weiss, and now her eyes were suddenly sharp. “My name... is Fria. What is your name, young Schnee?”

“My name is Weiss,” Weiss said, mind whirling. “You said... my great-grandmother was a Maiden?”

Fria nodded. “Weiss,” she murmured. “Yes... Regina was the Maiden before me.” Her eyes cleared even more. “Listen to me, Weiss... I lose time. I... forget. I don’t want to keep doing this. It’s not... living. It’s age.”

Licking her suddenly dry lips, Weiss asked, “What... do you want me to do?”

“Take my hand,” Fria ordered. “Take it!”

Weiss took a deep breath... and took the old woman’s hand. A brief spark lit around Fria’s eyes, before both of them became dull and glassy. At the same time, Weiss felt a sudden... rush in her, for lack of a better description.

Fria’s hand fell on the bed, limp.

<>

Salem blinked at the Seer incredulously. “...come again?”

“I said I escaped,” Cinder’s voice snapped. “Hazel’s capture gave me some breathing room. Anyway, I’m in Vacuo- as you can probably tell, Salem- and I’ve decided to do my own thing. Sorry boss, but this relationship can’t work out.”

“ _ Interesting, _ ” Salem drawled. “And you’re  _ telling me _ that why, again? Do remember who gave you your chance, Cinder. Do you not fear me any longer?”

The Seer got an impression of a sharp smile, before the image vanished entirely.  _ Somehow, _ the Grimm had been obliterated entirely.

Salem sat back and stared. “How...  _ interesting, _ ” she finally purred. “Little miss Fall grew a spine.”

  
The Queen of the Grimm tented her fingers. “I can’t  _ wait _ to see what she does next,” she murmured. “Certainly gives me  _ something _ to do...”


	31. The Thirty-First, In Which Pyrrha Senses Something, And The Bees Get Cored

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pyrrha is becoming more narratively aware. Ruby has figured out an Insta-Core. Fluff Happens.
> 
> Salem learns of Ramiel.
> 
> Oh no.

“For some reason, I feel like we’ve been largely ignored,” Pyrrha murmured quietly, idly patting Neo on the head as they sat down in the mess hall for lunch, staring out into the perpetually snowing landscape of Atlas through the massive windows lining the hall. “What do you think, Jaune?”

“I literally spent two weeks manouvering things so that Weiss would end up the Winter Maiden,” the medic deadpanned. “Being ignored was the  _ plan. _ Also, I thought you’ve been having your orgies, Pyrrha?”

“Well yes, but other than that, it’s… strange but I feel as though… it’s very difficult to explain but I feel as though something is… hm,” Pyrrha rubbed her chin and looked down at the table, chewing her lip as she tried to put it into the words. “I feel like I’m not getting this across well, but it’s… as though the world itself has been ignoring us?”

“You may want to talk to Ramiel,” Jaune suggested. “Get that looked at.”

“Possibly, yes,” Pyrrha nodded, digging into her lunch slowly and sighing. “It’s kind of strange, actually. For the longest time, I felt as if the world itself was paying attention to me, but after meeting up with Ozpin and becoming the Fall Maiden, it feels- well, like I’ve been ignored in favor of other things. Maybe it’s just a result of being in charge of the White Fang and suddenly being swept off on an adventure way more important than leading a ragtag group of protestors and revolutionaries in Vale.”

Jaune got a weird look on his face. “This is strangely similar to the time my partner told me that she could see scene breaks now.” He looked towards Pyrrha, who was chewing slowly, and Neo, who nodded solemnly. “No, seriously. You should get that looked at.”

“... Maybe I should. This sounds almost like an actual problem and… frankly it’s just too strange to ignore,” Pyrrha nodded, resolving to go see Ramiel about it… after she finished her lunch. “Neo, would you like to come with me? Er- you know what I mean.”

The ice cream haired girl smirked, winking at Pyrrha in a most salacious manner, but nodded all the same.

“Sooooo....” Jaune drawled. “What else has been happening with you two?”

“Well, other than getting pounded by Yang until I can no longer walk straight… not a whole lot. Training with the Atlesian Ace Ops who are…” Pyrrha winced a little bit, looking awkwardly to the side. “... Some of my subordinates in the White Fang would describe them as ah… well.”

“Bootlickers?” Jaune deadpanned, raising an eyebrow and snorting. “Nah, I get it. Atlas is big on military discipline and you don’t rise through the ranks in a society like this without more than a little indoctrination and propaganda.”

“Is it bad that I only like about one of them?” Pyrrha asked. “Maybe it’s the White Fang thing, maybe it’s something else, but the only one who seems about halfway reasonable is Marrow, or the, ahem, ‘token Faunus’.”

“If anything,” Jaune commented, idly raising both eyebrows, “the Fang seems to suit you. And hey, actually  _ talking _ to Atlas on equal ground has  _ got _ to be progress for the Faunus, right?”

“Except for the fact that the vast majority of Faunus here in Atlas still suffer far more discrimination than anywhere else- if it’s not the military, it’s the low paid jobs in the most dangerous areas,” Pyrrha sighed, frowning down at the table and crossing her arms. “From what few Fang contacts I’ve talked to here, it seems like the Faunus small business owners or higher paid employees are the exception, not the majority. And Marrow… well, he seems to have completely forgotten about those statistics after spending most of his life behind the walls of the Academy.”

“Fair,” Jaune agreed. “What’cha going to do about it?”

“Well, since Jacques Schnee is dead, the stock of the SDC has gone down considerably within merely the last few days, so we might see more Dust companies popping up with fairer regulations for their workers,” Pyrrha started, then pulled out her Scroll. “I’ve also got some sympathetic Mantle citizens spreading more equality based propaganda around and working their way into removing the structures that allowed the spread of anti-Faunus rhetoric in the first place. Additionally, I’ve had one of my best agents assassinating the rest of the board of directors in the SDC.”

Neo scoffed.

“I said _ one of _ , Neo,” Pyrrha sighed indulgently, patting Neo’s head with a smile. “You’re still my best, in every way possible… well, except when it comes to- ahem. I hate to say it but Yang is…  _ Well _ .”

Neo nodded, blushing just as luminescently as Pyrrha. Jaune wisely decided not to pry any further into that line of thought.

“Right,” Jaune decided. “That’s just about my limit on that topic - didn’t you have a meeting with my partner? You’ve finished eating,” he prodded.

Neo shot him a glare. He grinned unabashedly. “I have seven sisters, you’re gonna have to do more intimidating than that,” he told her. “Good effort though.”

Neo just pouted and crossed her arms petulantly in response.

<>

“Yaaaaang. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaang. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa- erp!” 

“What is it  _ now _ Rubes?” Yang groaned, blinking blearily up at Ruby, keeping her fingers firmly pinching Ruby’s lips shut so she would  _ stop annoying her in the middle of the goddamn- _ wait. “... What time is it even…?”

“Just past ten,” Blake answered, already perched precariously on the top bunk of their room with a book in hand. “Good morning, sleeping beauty.”

To her irritation and some trepidation, Yang felt Ruby  _ dissolve around her fingers _ and reform  _ right behind her. _ She could tell because the squee was back.

“Just...  _ what is it? _ ” Yang demanded. “Er, morning Blake. Ruby, what the hell?”

“Yang!” Ruby chittered. “Yangyangyangyangyang!”

Yang blinked. She looked at Blake. Her girlfriend blinked back. They shrugged.

“Here! Eat this!” Ruby immediately grabbed Yang, whirled her around, and shoved something surprisingly sweet and marble shaped into her mouth.

“Wait wha-hrngmph” Yang made a strange noise as she reflexively swallowed what felt like a smooth orb, only for her eyes to go wide a moment later as a crimson orb sprouted from her sternum and settled right above her breasts. 

Given that Yang slept completely naked, this gave Blake quite the view as the Core settled into place and began pulsing gently in time with Yang’s heartbeat.

“... Ruby, did you give your sister a magic pill that turned her into an Angel,” Blake deadpanned, staring directly at Yang’s tits with a thin line of drool slipping free from the corner of her mouth. 

“Yuh-uh!” Ruby nodded, grinning widely. “Want one?”

Blake looked at her. She looked at Yang. And back at Ruby. “...Gimme.”

“Aye aye!” Ruby immediately leapt from Yang and up to Blake, pressing another pill into Blake’s mouth and then vanishing as a Core sprouted right at the hollow of Blake’s throat, almost like a choker.

“... Well I guess that explains why she woke me up,” Yang deadpanned, staring off at the trail of rose petals that Ruby left behind and sighing. “... I don’t really know whether to be happy that we’re both immortal now, or mad that Ruby just shoved a species changing pill down my throat without telling me what it did.”

“ _ I _ wonder if we can test out if the stamina is as good as the rest of them make it sound~” Blake purred. “What do you say? Feeling...  _ awake~? _ ”

“I am now~!”

<>

“... Penny I think I made a mistake,” Ruby muttered, screwing her eyes shut and groaning as the ripples of soul energy from her sister and Blake emanated throughout the entire base without end. “I um-”

“Forgot to tell your sister and Blake how to shield themselves whilst having sex? I’m well aware,” Penny nodded, wincing sympathetically as she patted Ruby’s shoulder. “Also, you’re going to therapy as punishment for those seventy two hour drug fueled science binges you went on the other day.”

Ruby frowned. “You know,” she mused, “I kinda wanna argue that, but holy shit I  _ did _ just go do a lot of drugs, didn’t I?”

“Your reaction to drinking the equivalent of a barely legal energy drink was to go and drink two hundred cans of cocaine infused Huntsman grade stimulant and proceed to twist your soul with interdimensional maths so complex it turned you into an Angel,” Penny deadpanned, sighing quietly as she sat down next to Ruby. “And then you did the same to Weiss. And now- well, I suppose adopting your sister and her partner into the Family itself isn’t too bad, but you have been rather…  _ manic _ lately…”

“...but  _ Science, _ ” Ruby defended herself. “Penny, you  _ know _ how I’m about weapons. I found out that I could weaponize  _ my own soul! _ How could I  _ not _ Science it!?”

“By  _ not _ turning to cocaine at the first sign of tiredness?” Penny deadpanned. “Ruby, I love you, but if you keep going like this, you’ll  _ actually _ kill me with worry.”

“... Yeah… okay,” Ruby sighed, looking down at her knees and shaking her head. “It’s just… I don’t… I don’t really know if I actually have an explanation for how I’ve been acting lately. I thought maybe… maybe if I did something really impressive, it’d end up being really cool and awesome and- I guess I’ve just been delirious for like two weeks now since I pumped myself full of drugs. I just… maybe I just wanted to feel like I was good enough for you. That I wasn’t just… some overexcited girl way in over her head… that I could match up with the coolest person I know. Er- that’s you, by the way.”

“...Ruby,” Penny said slowly. “I already think you’re cool. I thought you were cool since the first time we  _ met! _ I’m the one who doesn’t feel like she’s good enough for any of you! You- you...” She launched herself at Ruby, wrapping the other girl into a desperate hug. “I love you  _ so fucking much. _ Please don’t do that again... I can’t... I can’t lose you...”

“I- I love you too!” Ruby wailed, hugging Penny back just as tightly and sniffling as tears formed in her eyes. “I promise! I’ll never leave you and I’ll never do that again!”

“So where’s my hug?” Weiss drawled from nearby, causing Ruby and Penny to share a Look, a nod, and to tackle the former into a dogpile.

“Here it is!” Ruby chirped.

“...Dolts,” Weiss muttered. She had a smile on her face, though.

<>

“Watts,” Salem snapped into the Seer, “ _ Please _ tell me you have  _ anything _ useful for me.”

_ “Hard to say, Ma’am,”  _ came the reply.  _ “Atlas has been far more sensible than I expected and updated their  _ _ entire _ _ security system, but they’ve done it  _ _ far _ _ faster than I’d have thought was even possible. I do have the  _ _ face _ _ of the one who killed Tyrian, but unfortunately that one is in the public records. She did win the latest Vytal Festival Tournament, after all.” _

“That  _ is _ interesting,” Salem mused. “ _ Why _ do you think it was faster than you consider possible, Watts? I’d like to hear  _ your _ reasoning.”

The mustachioed face of the Atlesian scientist came to view, looking uncharacteristically pensive.  _ “When I say entire, ma’am, I mean  _ _ entire _ _. Atlas, Mantle, surrounding villages, traffic cameras, even  _ _ lampposts! _ _ Some of those security credentials were  _ _ hardcoded _ _ into places and would need to be replaced physically, but they haven’t been! More to the point, it happened practically  _ _ overnight! _ _ If I didn’t know better, I’d say they’ve used the Staff, but Atlas itself hasn’t even so much as  _ _ dipped! _ _ ” _ The man’s moustache wriggled.  _ “I don’t say this often, ma’am, but I am  _ _ baffled _ _.” _

Salem leaned back in her chair, considering. “How... interesting,” she drawled. “Tell me of the one who killed Tyrian. What is her name?”

_ “Her name is Ramiel de la Valliere, and she’s not human,” _ came the immediate reply.  _ “No. I refuse to believe she’s a human. It makes literally zero sense. I watched her fights from the Vytal Festival and she either can hack the Aura meters, or can actively manipulate her own Aura levels. Immensely fascinating if it weren’t so actively frustrating, ma’am.” _

Salem raised an eyebrow. “Go on.”

_ “Infinite Aura levels,”  _ Watts deadpanned.  _ “The Aura meters displayed a consistent infinity symbol except for two fights, during which she actually took some damage - took some lipreading, but she actually confessed to wilfully taking this damage.” _ The man shook his head despairingly.  _ “I know one thing - I don’t want to fight her.” _

Salem nodded. “Understandable, Watts,” she told him. “Leave Atlas be for now and head to Vacuo. I want you to find and keep an eye on Cinder. I wish to see what she does.”

_ “As you wish, ma’am,” _ Watts responded genially, even sketching a bow. Salem raised an eyebrow and dismissed the Seer.

  
“What  _ are _ you, little Ramiel?” she pondered to herself.


	32. In Which Pyrrha Shows Off A New Addition, And Weiss Goes Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nora has picked up a fashion sense, and is still somehow the most responsible member of Team RNJR.
> 
> Weiss delivers the good news to her brother.
> 
> Whitley unlocks his own Aura.
> 
> Oh no.

“Y’know, I don’t really know how to feel about this,” Nora murmured idly, poking the brand new Core in Pyrrha’s chest, courtesy of Yang. “I mean not like the actual thing, but like… it’s a big honking ruby in your chest and it clashes  _ so bad _ with your armor.”

“... Since when did you get into fashion?” Jaune asked idly, raising his eyebrow at his teammate.

“Since we started hanging out with CFVY, duh,” Nora replied casually, shrugging a bit as she continued poking the crystallized embodiment of Pyrrha’s soul.

"You know what, fair," Jaune allowed. "I'm just happy that we don't have those." 

Nora paused. "...Why?"

"Because one, I don't trust you with infinite power," Jaune deadpanned. "Two, I don't even trust  _ myself  _ with infinite power. Three, I'm about ninety percent certain that if  _ you  _ were an Angel, you would literally be Ramiel 3.0 and I refuse to let that happen." 

“... Three- oh right, cuz Ramiel’s got a twin sister in another dimension,” Nora made a little ‘aah’ of realization before sitting back in her seat (Ren’s lap) and crossing her legs. “Don’t be silly, Jaune! I wouldn’t be….  _ that _ … bad.”

“Considering that the one time we talked about this exact thing you said that I’d probably die of a thrice broken pelvis…” Ren deadpanned, interrupting Nora before she could defend herself further. “... I doubt that you would be  _ as _ bad as Ramiel, at least in terms of property damage.”

"Forgive me if I'm not convinced," Jaune snarked. "So, how do you feel, Pyrrha?" 

“Mostly like I need to wear shirts with a higher neckline,” Pyrrha admitted, shrugging a bit at the incredulous looks she received. “It really just feels like a part of me that’s always been there, honest. I can’t even really tell the difference unless I’m trying to notice it.”

"Huh," Nora offered. "Soooooo, do you feel the  _ overwhelming power  _ yet?" 

“Well, considering that I know that my Magnetic semblance is strong enough to keep Atlas aloft with minimal effort for pretty much ever now…” Pyrrha shrugged and had the decency to at least pretend to be humble. “I’d say yes, actually.”

The entirety of Team _NJR stared incredulously. "I call bullshit," Nora finally decided. "Also, Jauney, please make your partner give me one too." 

"Hell no," Jaune answered immediately. 

“To be fair, Atlas is a bit less heavy than you might expect, and I’d definitely have to enter my full Angel form to do so, but I  _ could _ do it. It just… wouldn’t be subtle. At all. Also everything made of metal would stick together and electronics would just immediately fizzle,” Pyrrha explained, folding her hands together as she flexed her soul and made her lunch tray crumple into a smooth ball of compressed aluminum for emphasis. “Also, my powers have stopped caring whether or not a material is supposed to be ferromagnetic anymore.”

"...They cared before?" Jaune couldn't help but ask. Behind Pyrrha, Neo grinned and waggled her eyebrows. 

“Well, not particularly, but before I was merely capable of lifting them and moving them around. Now I can manipulate them just as well as I can anything made of steel,” Pyrrha explained, wiggling her fingers idly as she bent the tray back into its proper shape, then twisted it around into a perfect miniature replica of Crocea Mors. “It helps immensely in the bedroom, I must say.”

Neo grinned wider, winking at Team _NJR and miming some kind of obscene gesture by rapidly shaking her closed fist in a motion more akin to vibrating than anything else.

“Mixing dough?” Ren guessed blandly.

“... That’s one way to put it, yes,” Pyrrha nodded, patting Neo’s head as if it were the snooze button on an alarm clock. “Down, Neo. There’ll be time for that later tonight.”

“So how  _ is _ she? In the bed, I mean,” someone asked. It took Jaune several seconds to figure out that the asker was himself and the askee was Neo. Huh.

Pyrrha coughed into her fist and looked away, blushing heavily as Neo responded in the most Neo way possible.

By making an impossibly lewd ahegao face while generating an illusion of a spewing geyser.

Jaune nodded approvingly. “Lucky you,” he praised. 

“Neo…. why….” Pyrrha groaned, burying her face in her hands and just  _ sighing _ , wondering to the gods above why the hell she couldn’t have just lived a normal life with, as Ruby often put it, normal knees instead of being the bees’ knees… whatever the  _ fuck _ that meant.

Nora  _ sighed _ explosively from across the table. “Dammit, Jaune, stop dancing around the issue and just  _ go join that poly already, _ ” she groaned. “Or at least just fuck.  _ Something. _ Please! I can’t take this anymore...”

“.... What? Nora, I’m dating Yatsuhashi and Fox, remember?” Jaune made an incredulous face at Nora, rubbing his temples at his teammate and shaking his head. “I’m just curious is all!”

"Strange," Nora muttered, "I could have  _ sworn  _ you had some UST with Pyrrha... Wait, you bagged Fox too? I thought he was squeamish about the whole gangbang matter...." 

“I mean yeah but if it’s just me and Yatsuhashi it’s fine,” Jaune shrugged, making a so-so motion with his hand. “We’re communicating and working together to make sure all of us are comfortable and happy. Y’know, healthy relationship stuff.”

Ren smiled, reaching out to pat Jaune on the shoulder. "I'm glad to see that Nora's responsible behaviour is rubbing off on you, Jaune. I'm proud of you. Both of you." 

“... Please  _ never _ call me responsible again,” Nora shuddered theatrically, swooning in Ren’s arms and pretending to faint at the thought of  _ not _ being the crazy, hyper irresponsible loon she liked to act like she was. “I  _ shudder _ at the thought!”

“... Considering you are the  _ single person _ in our entire friend group that’s managed to not only stay monogamous, but also maintain a healthy, constructive, and mutually supportive relationship for several  _ years _ , I’d say you and Ren are just about the most sexually responsible people I know of… well, y’know, in our friend group,” Jaune huffed, rolling his eyes at Nora’s antics while Pyrrha giggled and stood up. 

“Speaking of sexual responsibilities,” she spoke, smiling and taking Neo’s hand. “I’ll go be fulfilling mine now. See you later!”

And with that, the pair of them vanished in a sparkle of light and a shatter of glass.

" _ See!?"  _ Jaune exclaimed. 

<>

Weiss looked around in the high, cold hall. "Well, this place hasn't changed a bit," she remarked bitterly. 

“No, it really hasn’t,” Winter sighed quietly as they entered the Schnee family manor, looking about and frowning. “I’m pretty sure all these decorations have remained the same since the manor was built. But, I suppose that’s beside the point.”

Winter thumbed the Core at her throat idly, fiddling with it as if it were a simple necklace rather than a reminder of the fact that she technically couldn’t even be considered human anymore- to say nothing of Weiss, who’d managed to completely change species after a bout of drunk science.

"...How's Mother doing?" Weiss asked quietly. "Does she... talk to anyone at all?" 

“A bottle of wine, and whatever poor servant she decides to yell at,” Winter deadpanned, having long since lost her sympathy for the woman who’d foisted off raising her children on a bunch of servants in a loveless, empty, cold, dreary household. “That, and Whitley, the little shit.”

“I heard my name,” Whitley immediately appeared around the corner, smiling as placidly and as emptily as one of Jacques’ patented business smiles, all perfect manners and plastic motions in a way that made him look like a living doll. “Sisters, it’s good to see you again. Have you seen father lately? It seems as though he hasn’t been home in nearly a week.”

Weiss raised an eyebrow. "...Wait, did nobody tell you?" 

"Tell me what?" Whitley ( _ and  _ Winter) asked in chorus, before exchanging suspicious glances. Winter took over. 

"Weiss, do you  _ know  _ where Father is?" she demanded. 

"Well," Weiss mused, unconsciously starting to circle around her siblings, "I wasn't aware that he was even allowed back here, but in all honesty I'm not very surprised." 

She leaned on Whitley, making him yelp. "You know, little brother, you  _ really  _ don't have to imitate him anymore. Might be bad for your health." 

“W-what are you talking about, dear sister?” Whitley asked, starting to sweat a little as he looked around frantically, almost expecting Jacques to pop out of the walls and attack them or something.

“Well, as fun as messing with your head is, I’m just gonna say it,” Weiss rolled her eyes and lightly shoved Whitley back, making him stumble into Winter’s arms with a quiet yelp. “Father is dead, and I killed him.”

There was a long moment of silence. And then-

“Oh thank the gods!” Whitley immediately burst out, losing his previous body language entirely as he sagged into Winter’s arms. “Gods above, every moment of that act is like losing a piece of my soul!”

"...You are certain of that?" Winter asked. "Not that I doubt you or anything, but..." 

"If you told me something like that, I'd doubt you too," Weiss agreed. "Don't worry. I can prove it." 

"How?" 

In lieu of an answer, a very familiar glyph appeared next to the middle child. 

A  _ summoning  _ glyph. 

"Anyone up for target practice?" Weiss asked lightly.

“Gods above, you actually did kill him,” Winter muttered quietly, staring in shock at the sight of Jacques standing there completely made of shimmering white Aura and glowing faintly. “Fucking finally.”

There was a small, choked sound, before the Jacques summon suddenly and violently disintegrated into immaterial white ash, leaving Weiss and Winter staring in shock at the sight of  _ Whitley, _ standing over the ash cloud, fist extended and tears running from his eyes. Something white rippled from him...

“...did you just unlock your own Aura?” Weiss asked in disbelief.

“... Did I?” Whitley asked faintly, staring down at his hand as he breathed harshly, panting and almost gasping for breath as he took a few steps back and collapsed to his knees. “... Oh… so I did… it must be the trauma acting up.”

Weiss exchanged a look with Winter. “Do you... want to punch one of those again?” Weiss asked carefully. “Or would you rather do anything else?”

“I think I’d rather take a nap now,” Whitley wheezed a bit, then flopped over and immediately passed out.

“... Well, that happened,” Weiss muttered.

<>

Salem  _ had been _ thinking about contacting Watts again, demanding for an update, but she was rather distracted by a third mysterious package finding its way into her castle- this time in the form of a tasteful little box placed on her nightstand, containing a device she was unfamiliar with, but could certainly guess the purpose of.

Unlike the other packages however, this one came with a handwritten letter.

_ Dear Miss Salem, _

_ You do not know me yet, but I am certain that you have noticed the deliveries that have been made to various doorsteps of yours, and I’m sure you are also wondering exactly what purpose they serve. _

_ Allow me, then, to put an end to your questions - my daughter intends to wed you, and as a result, I have been observing you. Making certain that you would treat her right, and make no mistake - I would have  _ _ erased you _ _ without hesitation had I found you lacking. _

_ I would like to congratulate you, then - I approve. The previous deliveries, while locally sourced, were indeed sent by me - only the best for my daughter, and whoever she chooses to spend the rest of her time with, don’t you agree? _

_ Within this box is a personal massage device, to ‘tide you over,’ so to speak. I will trust you to decide for yourself if you want to employ it or not. _

_ Looking forward to officially welcome you to the Family, _

_ Your future Father-in-Law _

_ Shinji Ikari _

For the first time in a very long while, Salem found herself just a little bit worried.


	33. The Thirty-Third, In Which Yang And Raven Bond

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Coco and Velvet figure out their Angel forms.
> 
> Raven has a long talk with her daughter, during which both learn new things about each other.
> 
> Salem has a visitor.
> 
> Oh no.

“Y’know, somehow ultimate power and immortality don’t really feel that much different from normal,” Coco stated dryly as she thumbed her Core, which had taken the shape of a single fashionable stud earring set into her left ear. “I was honestly expecting something… more?”

"Try flaring your Soul," Velvet grinned. "Heck, try assuming your Greater Form - I have figured that one out already~!" 

Coco looked over. "You what." 

In response, Velvet  _ elongated.  _ Her ears swept back, hardening into peculiar horns, and she grew new, spiralling ones right next to them. 

Her nose and mouth lengthened into a skull-like muzzle, with a long, thick tongue flicking out from under it. 

Her feet grew digitigrade and significantly more lapine, while her spine gained deadly-looking spines. A thick tail sprouted from her back. 

An Earthling would call the result significantly raptor-like. As it stood, however, Coco had no idea what she was looking at. 

“.... Y’know, as cool as that looks, I kinda prefer you looking normal,” Coco deadpanned, patting Velvet’s new… snout thing… with an awkward grimace. “But yeah, I get it now.”

There was a cartoonish  _ sproing _ sound as the Angelic rabbit leered.  **_“It comes with benefits~,”_ ** she purred in a husky voice.  **_“Does Coco want a bone?”_ **

“.... Okay let’s circle back to that one later but  _ yes _ , I do,” Coco immediately answered, wiping a line of drool from her mouth as she flared her Soul and- “Oh,  _ oh _ , oh  _ that’s _ where the infinite power is. Now I get it.”

**_“DO you?”_ ** Velvet crooned.  **_“Show me~!”_ **

Immediately, Coco  _ stretched, _ her body exploding up and out and taking on a nearly psychedelic mix of colors before settling into a mottled array of earthen brown, black, and golden veins, her body segmenting and changing and swelling in a way that was distinctly  _ eldritch _ .

One might have called it the unholy fusion of a bear, a minigun, and a racecar.

Velvet simply called the sight “boner inducing”.

The lapine raptor flashed a distinctly  _ leering _ expression, and  _ pounced, _ taking advantage of both of their, ah,  _ new gifts. _

For about five minutes.

Then Penny marched into the training room they were...  _ defiling, _ and told them in no uncertain terms to take it somewhere  _ private _ and stop scarring the Academy security techs. And possibly an occasional unfortunate student.

Suitably chastised, the two of them took their lustful expression to somewhere more appropriate, leaving Penny standing alone in a thoroughly defiled training room… well, at least until Ramiel stepped in.

“Oh jeez, what the hell went and started a bukkake in here?” The Angel asked, grimacing a little at the smell and sticking out her tongue. “... And does it have anything to do with why I just saw Coco and Velvet running naked through the halls?”

“Your fiancees discovered that their Angel forms are fully capable of sex,” Penny deadpanned. “You do the math.”

Ramiel paused and held up a finger, jaw dropping open as she tried to put her thoughts in order. Then-

“I have to go right now,” she decided, immediately turning around and running back the way she came.

Penny  _ sighed. _ “I’m not cleaning this, you know,” she declared, and fucked off, only stopping to mark the room with an OUT OF ORDER sign.

<>

“So….” Raven drawled awkwardly, sitting across from Yang in an upscale cafe somewhere in downtown Atlas, hands wrapped around a mug of coffee that she’d surreptitiously emptied one of Qrow’s flasks of cheap whiskey into at some point. “How’s it hanging?”

“...you have no idea what you’re doing, do you,” Yang deadpanned.

“Obviously not,” Raven retorted, taking a drag of her coffee and sighing. “Look. Throw me a bone here, at least tell me something you like so I can buy you a late birthday gift or something.”

Yang sighed. “Well. At least you’re trying?” She hummed. “Okay, let’s see... I like girls-”

“I noticed,” Raven deadpanned.

“-hush,” Yang scolded. “I also like explosions, motorbikes, and general thrills... Did I already mention girls?”

“You did,” Raven nodded.

“Riiight, well, I also like…” Yang sighed and clenched her hands around her own strawberry iced frappuccino, chewing her lip and thinking about her actual likes. “Strawberries. Passionfruit… Getting an appreciation for new and exciting flavors of ice cream lately, but only because Neo keeps eating in bed at three in the goddamn morning… Weapon maintenance… orange and yellow. Share-Bears… er, don’t tell anyone about that one.”

"My lips are sealed," Raven deadpanned. She tapped her fingers together. "Er... Don't you have any questions about  _ me?"  _

“I mean I  _ guess _ , but they’re all really bitter and angsty,” Yang deadpanned, punctuating her point with a loud and unnecessary slurp of her frappuccino. “I dunno, what do you even do in your spare time anyway?”

Raven adopted a thoughtful expression. “Fuck with wildlife photographers, mostly. Occasionally keep an eye on you or Qrow. Occasionally fuck with Qrow. May have gotten hit across the face with your sister one time. Fuck Vernal. Stuff like that.”

“... Wait, what do you mean you got hit across the face by Ruby? Since when did  _ she _ of all people try to hit you?” Yang asked, suddenly interested in that particular story.

Raven rolled her eyes, hiding a smirk. “She didn’t try, per se. I... well, I decided to watch your initiation, you know? Wanting to see what my daughter was doing? And the next thing I know, I’m bowled over by a flying teenager and only get a ‘birdy, no!’ as a consolation. Wasn’t quite as funny then as it is now, I’ll admit.”

“... I can’t believe you got clocked in the face by a flying teenager,” Yang choked out, biting her lip sharply as she fought to keep herself from bursting out laughing at the mental image of Ruby absolutely demolishing some poor bird that happened to be her own mother. “Aren’t you supposed to be some kind of super ninja bandit or something?”

“My attention was... elsewhere,” Raven confessed. “On a certain girl who decided that the best landing strategy was to  _ go faster. _ ”

“Oh yeah, I did do that didn’t I?” Yang muttered, grinning sheepishly as she idly rubbed the back of her head. “I mean it  _ worked _ , but uh… I guess it  _ was _ a little extra.”

“Can’t be more extra than  _ our _ Initiation,” Raven snickered. “Did Tai ever tell you how he convinced Qrow to wear the girls’ uniform, and the poor idiot  _ actually _ thought it was a kilt?”

“ _ No, _ ” Yang breathed. “You  _ didn’t. _ ”

“Oh yes,” Raven agreed. “And he’s wearing it,  _ as _ a kilt, with all that it implies, and then Ozpin commands everyone to the launch plates!”

“ _ Gods above  _ that must have been the  _ worst _ thing to look at!” Yang howled, slamming her fist against the table as she doubled over, guffawing uncontrollably at the sheer  _ ridiculousness _ of the scenario.

Raven made a face. “It earned him three one night stands,” she groused, “but yes it absolutely was.”

“... Sometimes, I wonder just  _ what _ people see in Uncle Qrow,” Yang muttered idly, rolling her eyes and sighing. “I mean really, he’s a scruffy alcoholic who smells like the wrong end of a bar fight.”

“He didn’t start drinking until  _ after _ Summer died,” Raven admitted. “Take that as you will.”

“.... Huh. Well if you take out the alcohol smell and the rampant alcoholism…” Yang tilted her head and tried to imagine Qrow but younger. And not drunk. And wearing a uniform. “... I mean I guess if you’re into scruffy beanpoles?”

Raven burst out laughing.

“And here I thought committing murder was  _ my _ job,” she guffawed. “Get  _ fucked, _ bro!”

“Heh, it wasn’t  _ that _ good,” Yang snickered, rolling her eyes and grinning a bit at the sight of Raven chortling across from her. “Hey by the way, I just remembered- has anyone given you a Core yet?”

“A what?” Raven deadpanned.

“...that explains that,” Yang murmured. “It’s one of those little-”

“I’m fucking with you,” the woman interrupted her. “Yes, I know what a Core is, it’s one of those things that give you unlimited power. I was going to ask about that, really...”

“Here, just kinda do whatever with it,” Yang immediately answered, rolling a golf ball sized core across the table towards Raven. “Put it somewhere that’s not embarrassing and it’ll just work its magic. I mean, you  _ can _ move it around afterwards and change it if you want, but the first place you put it makes it the default.”

Raven hmmed, rolling the tiny thing across her palm. “Such a vast power, in something so tiny,” she murmured. “Oh well.”

She lifted her left eyelid and took out a glass eye that Yang hadn’t even noticed. “Don’t ask,” the bandit snapped. “It’s a fucking stupid story.” She put the Core in, wincing slightly.

“At least I now match with my favourite niece,” she murmured, almost too quietly for Yang to hear - but she heard it.

“ _ Favourite _ niece?” Yang questioned, eyes narrowing. “Ruby’s your  _ only _ niece! Or do I have to beat up Uncle Qrow or something?”

“No, the Branwen clan is just bigger than you’d think, and Qrow and I… let’s just say there’s more birds in our line than either of us will ever admit to, and all of them are either idiots, dead, imprisoned, or gallivanting off doing gods know what,” Raven responded idly, then paused and tapped her fingers on the table. “On that note, how do you feel about another half sister?”

Yang got really quiet for a moment. “...Please tell me you didn’t get pregnant.”

“I got Vernal pregnant,” Raven shrugged. “Does that count?”

“... You have a dick?” Yang asked, blinking at Raven before crossing her legs awkwardly. “.... I guess that explains where I got mine.”

“It turns out that volatile dust mixtures combined with a healthy dose of gender confusion in my teenage years does strange things to a woman’s body. Like actually making me a woman,” Raven deadpanned, shrugging a bit. “And yes, before you ask, Qrow and I were born a pair of identical male twins.”

Yang paused for a moment, silently taking in Raven’s words. Then-

“... So were Summer and Dad the only cishet people in our family?” she asked, raising an eyebrow.

Raven snorted into her cup.

“Hardly,” she sniggered, setting her drink down and chuckling a bit. “Taiyang is extremely bisexual, and Summer… well. I wasn’t the only one caught in that dust explosion. Summer just happened to have already been on HRT.”

“Well how about that,” Yang murmured. She then turned violently green as she processed a particular fact. “Oh god. Is  _ that _ why Qrow keeps joking about ‘Entire Team’?”

“Yes, Qrow had sex with Taiyang at least once,” Raven deadpanned. “Fortunately for me, I don’t have to deal with  _ him _ getting pregnant.”

“Please don’t make me picture that,” Yang muttered. “Or if you do, I’m gonna look up mpreg fanfics and  _ forcefeed you them. _ ”

“Nothing you could shove in my face could possibly be worse than what Qrow showed me back when we were in school,” Raven shuddered, actually going a bit green in the face herself as she remembered… horrible things.

“...I don’t want to know,” Yang decided.

<>

There are many things an immortal Queen of the Grimm can imagine herself doing on any given day, things that most mortals could consider fantastical.

This was not one of those things.

“How the fuck does all of this go together!?” Salem screamed, fisting her hands and trying not to throw her goddamn bed out of one of her many ruby windows, gritting her teeth and glaring at the maze of instructions before her. “HOW IS IT THIS HARD TO BUILD FLAT PACK FURNITURE!?”

She took a deep breath, and then another, and finally shoved the ‘ergonomic chair’ aside. “I cannot  _ believe _ it was easier to build  _ an entire bed _ than a  _ simple chair, _ ” she grumbled.

“Need help?” someone asked.

“Oh yes please,” Salem sighed, before freezing. “Wait. Who said that?”

“That was me,” said a young man, leaning against a doorjamb with his hands in the pockets of his jeans. He smiled lightly. “A pleasure to meet you in person, by the way. You order it yourself this time?”

“...Yes,” Salem answered, guarded. “...Who are...? No, but you can’t be...”

The young man - he couldn’t have been more than seventeen! - gave her a rueful smile. “I look younger than I am, these days. Shinji Ikari. I believe we’ve been in correspondence?”

Salem couldn’t help but stare incredulously.  _ This _ was the man with such a threatening way of words? He couldn’t have been older than  _ Cinder! _ She looked closer.

Yes, the man was youthful, but his eyes... They were old eyes. Something lurked in these eyes...

“I believe it has only been one-sided,” Salem replied. “I am Salem, Queen of the Grimm. How remiss of me to not introduce myself.”

“As I said,” Shinji replied lightly, “a pleasure to meet you in person. I take it I’m not what you expected?”

“...Indeed,” Salem replied. “You appear...” She searched for words, taking him in from his mullet to his light jacket. “...Too young,” she finally settled on.

“I had my apotheosis when I was fourteen,” Shinji answered the question. “It was surprisingly difficult to adjust my apparent age afterwards.” The corners of his eyes crinkled pleasantly. “That being said, I wouldn’t mind at all to answer your questions while we puzzle out your, ah, new throne, was it?”

The Queen of the Grimm, albeit flabbergasted, gladly accepted his honest offer.

“I’d love that.”


	34. In Which the Conspiracy Feels Useless And the Angels Scheme

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oz masters the art of ironic timing. Cinder meets Roman. Ramiel calls her dad.
> 
> Salem... accepts.
> 
> Oh dear.

“What the fuck is even happening anymore, Oz?” Ironwood sighed, staring at the man opposite him while Glynda just rolled her eyes in the corner, both him and Ozpin getting drunk while Glynda was just there to keep them from doing stupid shit.

The headmaster of Beacon rolled his eyes, swaying in the corner. “The Angels are blatantly taking over the conspiracy,” he slurred. “I feel sho... useless.”

“We  _ are _ useless,” Glynda deadpanned, smacking Ozpin over the head with her riding crop and snatching his drink away before he could do something stupid. “The only reason why the entire Salem problem hasn’t been resolved yet is because no one’s yet managed to drag Miss Valliere away from her sexual partners.”

“At least we have most of the Maidens,” Ironwood groused. “And by we I mean the kids. I have no idea how that irritatingly competent young man managed it, but between miss Schnee somehow becoming Winter and  _ the Branwens _ having Spring... it’s a fucking mess if you ask me.”

“And the only one we seem to be missing is Summer,” Oz grumbled, glaring weakly at Glynda as he nursed the new welt on his head and made grabby motions at his drink. “And none of us have any earthly idea who  _ that _ is at this point.”

"All we know is that she's a hermit, and that she's in Vacuo," Glynda explained. "The rest, even we don't know." 

"At least the Relics are safe," Oz groaned. "For now. I've probably jinxed it for all I know." 

<>

“Well, that was surprisingly easy,” Cinder deadpanned as she stretched out her limbs and left the burning cottage behind her, now dressed in something a bit more appropriate for the Vacuoan weather- a simple sling bikini and a sarong, all done up in a pleasant black and red color scheme with her personal symbol printed on her skirt. 

Sure, it rode up in her butt something fierce, but damn if she didn’t look hot in it. And as her prison therapist had said, choosing one’s appearance usually helped a lot with alleviating depression symptoms. She didn’t totally get it, but feeling sexy was a lot better than letting herself go and gorging herself on ice cream and shitty soap operas in a prison cell.

“Now,” she mused to herself, letting flames lick across her hands in a sense of half-forgotten wonder, “Back to Shade it is~”

With that, she began the long trek back onto the more civilized parts of Vacuo, stretching and yawning and enjoying the brilliant tropical desert sunshine on her skin.

She would have had a car, but renting (or stealing) a car left paper trails and considering that she was trying to be incognito… well.

Sacrifices had to be made.

Like the fact that she had to walk everywhere instead of taking a bullhead or one of those sexy lil motorcycles they were selling down at that one dealership she’d passed on the way out to this godforsaken cottage in the middle of nowhere.

Still, she supposed, the (former) Maiden had  _ one _ thing going for her.

Nobody would be looking for her for a long time.

“Well well well, imagine finding you here, boss lady!” a familiar but  _ thoroughly _ unwelcome voice called out, full of smarm and false charm and the stench of cigar smoke.

“Roman,” Cinder deadpanned, looking at the thief in her path with no small amount of disgust. “What a surpr- what the absolute  _ fuck _ are you wearing.”

The thief grinned smugly, twirling his bowler hat as he twirled around in a  _ striped swimsuit _ of all things. “My Cunning Disguise of course! What do you think?”

“You look like an escaped clown at the beach,” Cinder deadpanned, palming her face and walking past the flamboyant idiot standing on the path like some kind of overgrown tropical toad. “What do you  _ want _ ?”

Roman paused, scratching his chin and shrugging. “Honestly, I’m just on vacation. I’m guessing you’re here for reasons that involve that flaming cottage in the distance?”

“You saw  _ nothing _ ,” Cinder snarled. “Weren’t you in  _ jail? _ ”

“Weren’t  _ you? _ ” Roman countered.

“I escaped, obviously,” Cinder deadpanned, sighing and palming her face as she continued walking away… only for Roman to keep pace with her. Dammit. “Why are you  _ following me?” _

“You know, I’m not quite sure myself,” the thief mused. “For all I know I’d have ended up killed, the last time I followed you anywhere.”

He grinned. “Oh well. I suppose I kind of want to see just  _ how _ depraved you can get, hmm?”

“Try to get anywhere near closer to me than three feet and I’ll ensure you leave this kingdom in an  _ ashtray _ ,” Cinder hissed, igniting her palm in a furious blaze of fire to punctuate her point.

Roman tipped his bowler hat back and considered the woman in front of him. “You  _ know~, _ ” he drawled, “A year ago, I’d have probably run away or something, and never looked back. Now, on the other hand...”

He twirled his cane. “I won’t come closer, just so you know. But consider - if I could run into you, so could anyone else... and I can keep my mouth shut. Could others?”

Cinder paused, then slowly smiled.

It was not a nice smile.

“Why- you’re right!” she gushed, slowly slinking towards Roman with a deadly gleam in her eye. “Perhaps I should show you exactly what I’ll be doing to anyone who has the misfortune of  _ finding _ me?”

“On another thought,” the thief backpedalled, “I’ll see you in Vacuo. Bye!”

He threw down a smoke bomb and sped off.

“Coward,” Cinder snorted, walking off in the opposite direction- as much as she would have liked to burn that smarmy grin off of his face, there was this one ice cream shop a few miles down the road in a small beach town that had the most wonderful selection of flavors- some of which she still hadn’t tried. “Hmph. Oh well…”

As she walked, she picked up a bit of a skip in her step, all traces of her usual femme fatale routine slipping away as she sang under her breath. 

“I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream~”

<>

“I feel like I’m forgetting something,” Ramiel decided. “I feel like I’m forgetting something, and I have no idea what it is.”

“Is it someone’s birthday?” Ruby asked idly, only half dressed despite the fact that it was nearly noon and eating her first meal of the day after a night of…  _ vigorous _ activity with Penny and Weiss and Ciel. “Or is it the fact that everyone somehow seems to have forgotten that Ciel actually exists?”

“Cie- wait wh-” Ramiel immediately yelped as said girl seemed to appear out of thin air next to her, already dressed in her usual uniform and appearing as if she’d been there the whole time. “.... Ruby did you-”

“Adopt Ciel and subsequently find out she has the ability to mask her presence from existence? Yup,” Ruby nodded, then winced a bit as she rubbed her rear, to which Ciel just giggled.

“Turns out a surprise dick in the butt is… a little bit more painful when you’re not ready for it,” Ruby muttered, glaring at her harem-mate without any real heat.

“Worth it,” Ciel stated blandly, before allowing herself a grin. “Don’t lie, Ruby. You enjoyed it.”

“I  _ did _ but it  _ was _ a surprise,” Ruby huffed, rolling her eyes and sticking out her tongue. “Speaking of surprises- well, actually, now that I think about it, weren’t you gonna go do something about that Salem lady, Ramiel? I remember you wanted to go bang her a whole lot.”

The Angel snapped her fingers. “ _ That’s _ what I was forgetting! I forgot to call... ugh, Shinji... and gear them up!”

She scrambled for her phone. “...come on, where are you...”

“Aha!” 

Ramiel held up her phone a full thirty seconds later, grinning triumphantly for a moment before screwing her face up into an irritated frown as she dialed her technically adopted father in law. “C’mon, pick up pick up pick up….”

The hologram flashed into existence, showing Shinji grinning lazily. _ “Oh hello there, Ramiel. I was beginning to think you had forgotten about your dear old dad...” _

“...Please stop saying those words,” Ramiel pleaded in a pained tone. “And I know, I’m sorry, I forgot about you, I was just, you know...”

_ “Busy?” _ Shinji guessed.  _ “I figured. I’ve actually been here for a while. Lovely planet, really...” _

“... Wait you’ve been here this whole time!?” Ramiel blinked, pointing accusingly at the screen. “The hell have you been doing?”

_ “Several things,” _ Shinji admitted.  _ “Chief among them, well, I had to make sure that your choices weren’t going to break your heart, you know?” _

Ramiel froze. “What. Did. You. Do.”

_ “Observed,” _ the Ikari responded levelly.  _ “I did, however, pay a visit to your future intended. Lovely lady. Reminds me of my mother. You really should go actually see her in person soon, you know. It’s almost getting embarrassing, at this point...” _

“I’m getting to that! It’s just been a…  _ busy _ couple of weeks is all,” Ramiel protested, blushing brightly and side-eyeing Velvet, who had sat down in the meanwhile and was currently doing… something… with her hands beneath the table.

Ruby decided she didn’t want to keep looking in that direction after she spotted Coco’s boots sticking out from under said table.

_ “Yes, you’ve been busy having lots of sex,” _ Shinji deadpanned.  _ “Truly, the pinnacle of achievement.” _

“Well if you consider Yui and Yui being roughly in charge of keeping half of us in line, and your wife being our literal goddess….” Ramiel pointed out, raising a finger to punctuate her words. “Having a bunch of sex all the time really seems to be something worth doing.”

Shinji exhaled patiently.  _ “You’re confusing my wife with her old universe counterpart again,” _ he sighed.  _ “Rei is the Angel.  _ **_I_ ** _ am the god. You’re thinking of Lilith again.” _

“.... Oh yeah, forgot about that. It’s been a while, okay? And for some godforsaken reason every version of Rei refuses to change how they look beyond a hairstyle change so it’s not like it’s  _ hard _ to mix them up,” Ramiel huffed.

_ “Be nice,” _ Shinji admonished.  _ “Speaking of, yes, Rei and Father are coming, and yes, you get to host them. I have... things to do around here.” _

“Ughgghghghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,” Ramiel groaned, leaning back in her chair and whining. “Why do I have to do it? Make Louise do it! She’s the one in charge of a full half the family now anyway!”

_ “You’re hosting Louise too,” _ Shinji reminded her.  _ “Same thing, in the end.” _

“How in the hell am  _ I _ hosting  _ my Master _ ?” Ramiel asked, glaring at Shinji and sticking up her middle finger at the screen. “If anyone, she’s the one hosting me!”

The Ikari rolled his eyes.  _ “You’re still in Atlas, aren’t you? And you’re the Huntress  _ **_she’s_ ** _ related to, not the other way round. If I read my local customs correctly, then the local Academy is providing rooms for  _ **_you_ ** _ and  _ **_your_ ** _ guests - and Louise is most definitely  _ **_your guest,_ ** _ isn’t she? How is it that I, who have been here for far less time than you, know more about the workings of this planet than you- oh wait you’ve been busy having sex haven’t you.” _

“... Maybe so,” Ramiel admitted. 

_ “Exactly,” _ Shinji agreed.  _ “As such, I suggest that you stop whining, woman up, and take care of Rei until you  _ **_finally_ ** _ decide to join us at the Grimmlands. Capiche?” _

He hung up.

<>

“...A productive call?” Salem inquired carefully.

“Something like that,” Shinji nodded, putting his phone away before once more joining Salem at the modestly sized dinner table she’d assembled in a spare dining room that wasn’t her usual one. 

Salem hadn’t even known it had existed before she found it, despite the fact that she knew it was connected to the main kitchen.

“So,” the man enquired, dabbing at his mouth and steepling his fingers, “How  _ do _ you feel about my offer?”

“The offer that, in exchange for my marriage to your daughter- who, by the way, is apparently a teenager in mentality- you and your family will eradicate the gods who have cursed me to this eternal unlife of pain and madness?” Salem raised her eyebrow, steepling her fingers and chewing her lip. “I will admit, it is a difficult decision. But not one I am against.”

“I should mention,” Shinji added, frowning slightly, “That the gods are going to go whether you accept or not. I’m not going to  _ force _ you into a marriage you don’t want - I simply brought it up as an option because you seem... old-fashioned enough that something like that would not be too difficult to swallow. And,” he conceded, rolling his eyes, “My daughter was going to seduce you anyway, so the point is somewhat moot.”

“... Very well, when you put it like that,” Salem murmured, sighing as she crossed her legs and leaned back in her chair. “I accept.”

Shinji smiled… and held out a crimson orb.

“Welcome to the Family.”


	35. The Thirty-Fifth, In Which Ramiel Finally Heads To The Grimmlands

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ramiel finally listens to her libido. Cinder shows up. Gendo and Rei finally arrive.
> 
> Blake downloads all the Naruto into the Family Network. Ozpin gives up. Everyone reveals their various OP statusii. Weiss keeps gathering meme references.
> 
> Shinji Ikari wonders if he's becoming more like his mother.
> 
> Oh no.

The earth shook.

A  _ massive _ pillar of light rose from beyond the horizon, reaching far into the atmosphere and beyond even that. And then it split.

The pillar split and unfolded, becoming a pair of truly enormous wings, seen from every corner of Remnant. The pair then split  _ again, _ two becoming four, shining from across the lands...

...and just as they appeared, the wings were gone. Gone, as if they had never existed.

“What the  _ fuck _ was that,” someone vocalized.

“That, my dear Coco, was  _ Salem _ ,” Ramiel spoke quietly, almost falling to her knees in awe. “And  _ wow _ am I turned on right now. Like, fuck, I need to change my underwear.”

“She could never do  _ that _ before,” said the  _ extremely worried _ voice of Ozpin behing them. “What changed? Where did she get all that power?”

“From the Family,” Louise answered, staring at the spot where the enormous wings had been. “I’ve... felt that power before. She’s... She’s an ADAM now. Ikari, what the  _ hell!? _ ”

“....You know, somehow it never actually quite occurred to me that ADAM isn’t a gendered role so much as it is a species descriptor,” Tabitha murmured quietly, rubbing her chin and watching idly as Ramiel immediately rocket boosted off into the distance propelled by her AT Field and the sheer power of her arousal. “... Well, I suppose that’s one way of getting her to finally leave.”

“And just as we show up, how convenient,” Gendo deadpanned as he appeared out of thin air, idly rolling his neck and huffing. 

“Ramiel never did like you, father in law. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a husband to go reunite with,” Rei deadpanned, stepping out from behind Gendo and bowing theatrically before vanishing in a flash of light.

“... I can’t believe how little my kids take after me,” Gendo sighed, pouting a bit. “Not even a single mention of apocalyptic events in that reunion. Where did I go wrong?”

“Would you like that list in alphabetical order, chronological, or in the amount of lives lost per incident?” Louise immediately snarked.

The man hummed. “I’m sensing some hostility, little Louise,” he commented.

“... Well, one: I’m not little anymore,” Louise rolled her eyes in Gendo’s direction, holding up first one finger, then a second. “Two: YOU BLEW UP HALF MY FUCKING PLANET JUST SO YOU COULD GET LAID!”

“Ah, but  _ what _ a lay it was,” the Ikari countered. “I’ve yet to experience one quite like it since...”

“Every single one of you is insane,” Ironwood declared, walking up to the newcomer. “Gendo Ikari, was it?”

“Indeed,” Gendo nodded, bowing his head lightly towards Ironwood. “And you must be General Ironwood. Which, I must say, is quite the loaded name now that I think about it.”

“Make a dick joke and god or no, I will kick you out of this Academy,” Ironwood growled.

“Maybe you should have legally changed your name to something else, then,” Gendo shrugged. “Regardless, here I am. I’ve been told there are gods that need killing. Where and when?”

“Well, we  _ were _ fearing they’d just show up once Salem was freed from their curse,” Ironwood groused, “but since your son went and did that anyway while we were still preparing and there’s no sign of them, then I have no idea. Go ask the resident reincarnate or something.”

“Very well then,” Gendo nodded, then sighed, turned around, and vanished.

“Alright alright, let’s just get this over with,” Louise muttered, crossing her arms and snapping her fingers with a noncommittal-

<>

Ozpin took a  _ deep _ drag from his mug, staring morosely into nothingness. “The one thing that is  _ sure _ to bring the Gods back here is to gather the Relics,” he groused. “Problem is, were they to judge Humanity right now, they’d just wipe us all from existence. And if we waited, what good would that do? The assholes would still be hanging over our heads. Damned if we do, damned if we don’t.” He took another sip from his mug. “Also, I have no idea what the Summer Maiden is doing or where or even  _ who _ she happens to be, and we need  _ four _ Maidens to get at the four Relics. How very annoying.”

“Well, is the Summer Maiden supposed to have immense powers over fire and be able to fly like a rocket?” Louise asked, idly pointing at the window- or rather, what was beyond. “Because I think I see her coming now….”

“.... Oh right, Cinder escaped from prison,” Pyrrha muttered, staring out at the flaming corona that surrounded the irate criminal before sighing and charging up her own power as well. “I suppose I’ll have to deal with this.”

“Come back in one piece,” Louise suggested. “I don’t think your girlfriends would be very happy with you if- oh. Crap.”

As she had been speaking, Pyrrha had risen on a column of heat and flame, eyes blazing, and suddenly found herself short of an arm courtesy of a glowing blue and gold sword that Cinder was suddenly holding.

“Relic of Destruction,” Ozpin commented, “Check.”

“I…  _ would _ be more worried at this point but…. eh.” Louise shrugged as Pyrrha leaped out of the window and tackled Cinder out of the air, the two of them brawling in the courtyard below. “Pyrrha already grew back her arm anyway.”

“It’s like watching babies fight,” Gendo deadpanned, not at all impressed by the earthshaking combat nor the fire and wind being thrown around. “Hmph. You’d think that two people with nearly deific powers would do much more impressively when fighting.”

“Oh hush,” Louise smacked Gendo’s shoulder. “Cinder’s not even an Angel and Pyrrha’s Core is an Advanced Prototype model anyway.”

“I wasn’t aware anyone was making advanced prototypes,” Gendo raised an eyebrow. “Did Ramiel finally figure out how not to be an idiot?”

“No, Ruby just managed to break physics through nothing more than a drugged up caffeine overdose,” Louise answered, stepping to the side as Cinder flew through another window, shattering the glass and bouncing around the room like a pinball before crumpling to the ground in a beaten, bloody mess.

“... Is that the Family Guy death pose?” Louise muttered, pulling a face and grimacing. “How undignified.”

“And inaccurate,” Gendo noted. “She’s still alive, after all.”

“Yeah so were most of those characters by the next episode anyway,” Louise deadpanned as Pyrrha flew back in through the window with a new sword sheathed at her hip, half naked, and covered in a corona of flame that made her look almost like a goddess.

_ “Hit me harder mommy, it makes me wet,” _ Cinder mumbled into the floor, seemingly in a daze before shooting back up and looking around in a panic, groaning and dropping her face into her hands the moment she saw everyone else. “.... Please forget you heard that and just go back to killing me.”

“I don’t think I’m ever going to forget that,” Ozpin deadpanned, sighing as he finished his coffee, took a good long look out of his now ruined windows, and immediately jumped out in a stunning display of sheer exasperation.

Louise faintly heard the thump as Ozpin hit the ground and, upon leaning out of the gaping hole in the windows to check if he was alive, saw the man limping away towards the school’s transit center.

“.... So um... did you come here for revenge or were you just trying to get me to dom you?” Pyrrha asked hesitantly, clearing her throat awkwardly as she idly doused her flames and reformed her armor. 

“... Would you hold it against me if I said both?”

“.... Well,  _ someone’s _ going to fit right in,” Gendo deadpanned, cleaning his glasses and summarily returning his attention back to where Ozpin had been. “So, that’s two relics right here, a third in Atlas, and one down in- what was it, Haven?”

“Mhmm.” Louise nodded. “So, the real question here is- do we just skip past this entire thing with Angelic nonsense, or do we actually take our time doing some kind of treasure hunt?”

“You know,” Pyrrha mused, “I think that this, at the very least, should be done manually. For the sake of whatever remains of propriety. If that makes sense?”

“Well, alright then, I suppose the first order of business would be to retrieve the crown from the vault,” Louise shrugged and headed for the elevator, idly shifting around her Angelic nature so as to make the entire ordeal go slightly faster. “Shall we, Pyrrha? The vaults are keyed specifically to the Maidens after all.”

“... Sure,” Pyrrha answered after a moment, then reached down and helped Cinder to her feet. “You’re coming with us, by the way.”

“... If I could kill you and then myself, I think I’d rather do that instead,” Cinder deadpanned, sighing under her breath as she leaned her weight on Pyrrha’s shoulder and rather shamelessly grabbed Pyrrha’s rear. “Getting you to fuck me into a puddle later will have to suffice, I suppose.”

“How are you  _ already _ as shamelessly horny as an Angel?” Pyrrha asked incredulously, dragging Cinder into the elevator with a light grimace. “Even  _ Blake _ took a few days to ramp up!”

“I was already horny before,” the woman deadpanned, grimacing. “...Ow.”

<>

“Neo, when the  _ fuck _ did you manage to steal that?” Yang asked as Neopolitan walked in, holding the Staff of Creation- which, despite the fact that it was very much deactivated, somehow didn’t result in the deaths of millions via Atlas suddenly falling out of the sky. “and… how?”

Neo, of course, simply smirked, winked, and spun the staff around before sliding it into the subspace behind her back.

“... You’re shitting me,” Weiss muttered, staring at her fellow Angel with something akin to sheer disbelief. “Are you telling me that Neo’s Angelic ability is  _ casting illusions so strong they affect reality!?” _

“... Isn’t that a Sharingan power?” Ruby asked, then blinked and frowned. “... Who uploaded  _ Naruto _ to the family network?”

“... Wasn’t me,” Blake deflected awkwardly.

“... Well, I guess that’s three relics down, one left,” Yang sighed, just deciding to take the entire thing in stride before shaking her head and turning around. “Hey mom, can you go handle that last Relic? Y’know, since you’re apparently the Spring Maiden and all.”

“I feel like there should be more fanfare about all this,” Raven mused. “Yeah, sure. Why not. I’ll... be back later.”

“The thing you very quickly learn about this family is that there’s no fanfare about  _ anything _ ,” Winter drawled as she walked past, barely paying attention to Raven as she snatched the staff from Neo and went to go put it somewhere safe. “By the way, be quick about your trip. Vernal is getting… needy.”

Weiss frowned. “Winter,  _ please _ don’t tell me you hooked up with  _ another  _ Branwen...”

“Fortunately,  _ no, _ but unfortunately I was nearly accosted by Raven’s wife in the halls,” Winter deadpanned. “I was lucky to leave that encounter with my pants still  _ dry _ .”

“.... I’ll be quick about it then,” Raven sighed, swinging her sword through the air before vanishing into a swirling mass of black and red.

“Of course she can just open portals  _ anywhere _ now _ , _ ” Yang snarked.

“Well, it only makes sense,” Weiss shrugged idly, watching Raven go. “You can punch a mountain in half, Ruby’s well on her way to reaching FTL velocities, Blake has an infinite army of shadow clones, and my glyphs are… well, I would say capable of breaking physics, but they already did that. So I’m just going to say they’re stronger now.”

“Go on Weissy,” Ruby teased, “Tell them what you can do now~...”

“I managed to use a single half power acceleration glyph as a hypersonic railgun,” Weiss deadpanned dryly, rolling her eyes at Ruby’s teasing. “That should give you a metric as to how powerful I’ve become.”

“She can also supercharge her time dilation to  _ actually stop time, _ ” Ruby grinned. “Which is freaking  _ sweet _ if you ask me.”

“Can’t we all technically stop time now just by, y’know, refusing to move in the relevant fourth dimension?” Yang asked, raising an eyebrow at Ruby.

“Yes, but my glyphs can stop  _ Angels _ in time as well,” Weiss answered coolly. “Something which has only really occurred  _ twice _ in the entire family before now. And one of those was from a  _ literal goddess _ .”

“... That’s  _ some _ bullshit _ , _ ” Blake muttered. “... And this coming from the person who’s now every overpowered Naruto ninja bullshit trope rolled into one.”

“... well, I’m pretty sure I got the punchy big titty blonde trope instead of you, actually,” Yang snickered, hefting her… assets… for emphasis, to which Blake simply responded with a roll of her eyes.

“Right,” Weiss deadpanned. “I’m gonna go practice my Maiden thing. Don’t come anywhere near the Frozen Wastes without an AT-Field, okay?”

<>

“Shinji Ikari, what the  _ Hell _ have you been doing!?”

“Renovating, mostly,” Shinji answered, idly patting Rei’s head and carefully pretending that the soundproofing in Salem’s room actually worked instead of letting the sounds within echo out through the entire castle because  _ someone _ (read: Ramiel) couldn’t be bothered to actually close the goddamn door. “.... Hasn’t Ramiel ever heard of-”

“... Finish that sentence and you’re sleeping on the couch for a month,” Rei hissed, glaring at her idiot husband with all the vitriol she could muster.

“.... I’ll be good,” Shinji muttered. He took a deep breath and let it out. “...I’ve missed you, Rei.”

“I missed you too, Shinji,” Rei smiled and hugged Shinji, giggling a bit as she pressed herself against her husband. “Though, it hasn’t technically been  _ that _ long…”

“It’s been what, half a story?” the ADAM snarked. “No, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t snark at you.”

He hummed, looking out at the horizon. “Several vacations have begun and ended since I saw you last. I  _ have _ been here for quite a while, after all...”

“...We’re counting by story now?” Rei questioned. “Hm. I kind of want to meet just  _ who _ decided to bring  _ that _ little awareness to the Network. I have some  _ strong words _ for them.”

Shinji snorted. “That’ll be Mom, you realize? They’re both plugged into the final approval process, you know.” He stroked his chin. “...Actually, I’m starting to wonder if she’s rubbing off on me...”

“Perish the thought,” Rei said wryly.


	36. The Thirty-Sixth, In Which The Apocalypse Is Prepared For

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Salem has been fucked. The Schnees acknowledge being a family at last.
> 
> Ozma and Salem have a civil conversation.
> 
> Oh dear.

“How do you Angels even manage to get things  _ done?” _ Salem asked, groaning as she finally,  _ finally _ slipped out of bed after what felt and actually was nearly three straight days of vigorous lovemaking, limping slightly as she did her best to not collapse while getting dressed. “Even  _ now _ , I can feel my libido rising again! How do you manage to focus through that?”

“... Honestly, y’get used to it,” Ramiel shrugged, watching Salem get dressed with a salacious grin on her face. “Getting in fights tends to help- adrenaline keeps the libido down, if only for a few hours.”

“This is the part where I remind you to work on your soundproofing charms, young lady,” someone said with Shinji’s voice. That someone was in fact Shinji himself, leaning against the doorjamb with faint traces of irritation on his face.

“.... Oh yeah, I knew I was forgetting something,” Ramiel muttered, coughing into her hand and doing her utmost best to hide her blush. “... Sorry about that.”

“.... You heard everything, didn’t you,” Salem grumbled, looking for all the world like she’d rather hang herself from the window with a bedsheet rope than have this conversation.

“Unfortunately, yes,” Shinji nodded, glaring irritably at both Angel and Goddess in turn. 

“Didn’t I tell you to not bother them over this, dearest husband?” Rei asked, walking into the room and grabbing Shinji by the shoulder. “Hello, Ramiel. Miss Salem. Feeling refreshed?”

“Currently trying to get a handle on my raging libido, but quite a bit, yes,” Salem nodded, tittering a bit behind her hand.

“Mostly I’m wondering why Salem leaks black goo,” Ramiel admitted, vaguely motioning at the stains on the sheets before shrugging. “I mean, I can  _ guess _ , but still. It feels kinda weird feeling something so gooey that isn’t- er, well. Y’know.”

Shoving a suddenly perturbed-looking Shinji aside, Rei stalked forward, eyes glowing white. “Let me see that.”

Ramiel just shrugged again, holding up the sheets to Rei, who looked over them, furrowed her brow…. and immediately about-faced.

“Nevermind, I wish I hadn’t seen it,” Rei muttered, sticking her tongue out in disgust. “Nice to know that my daughter in law orgasms black goo instead of the normal fluids.”

From her expression and tone, it was readily apparent that it was not nice at all.

“Indeed,” Shinji noted. “On a blatant change of topic, I’ve made breakfast. Anyone want anything?”

_ “Yes please,” _ both Rei and Ramiel said with with simultaneous intensity, before exchanging bemused glances. Shinji rolled his eyes.

<>

“.... Okay so we’ve got the staff and the lamp here in Atlas,” Weiss counted off, holding up two fingers as she tilted her head and hummed. “Pyrrha’s retrieved the lamp, and apparently adopted Cinder into her own harem and also the family… and Cinder has the Sword. Great! That means we have all the relics and now all we need to do is get them to the Land of Darkness so we can go kick those snooty bastard gods right in their glowing dicks- wait.”

Weiss paused and blinked.

“... Huh. So  _ that’s _ what the gods looked like. Eugh.”

“I have no idea what you’re going on about, Sister,” Whitley commented, looking askance at Weiss, “but you’re kind of scaring me.”

“Check the Network, Whitley. Salem’s memories of the gods got leaked in and- well,” Weiss grimaced as she projected images into the air with her glyphs, sighing a bit. “I cannot  _ believe _ that all of humanity was created by… these two rubbery looking jackasses.”

Whitley blinked, before his eyes glowed faintly. “...huh. Is it just me or do they kind of look like Faunus?”

“Like the shittiest Faunus you’ve ever seen,” Winter confirmed, walking up to both of her younger siblings and ruffling their hair one after the other. “I do believe we’ll be needing to sit this one out, unless it spills past the Land of Darkness. Mother is quite adamant that we stay here and protect Atlas and Mantle rather than trying to fight a pair of gods that Ramiel can no doubt deal with on her own.”

“As a Faunus, I’m offended,” Weiss deadpanned. 

“At the gods for looking so awful, you mean,” Winter snarked back, ruffling Weiss’ hair again. “Now, as it were- we should meet up with the others to discuss who is going where, and how we’re going to protect as many people as possible.”

“I’m heading to Grimmlands with Ruby,” Weiss noted. “There might be need for a Maiden.”

“I’m staying in Mantle,” Whitley continued, shaking his head a bit. “As much as I’d like to fight the gods that made this cursed earth, I don’t have any combat training whatsoever and I am… regrettably… not very well versed in the family Semblance.”

"You unlocked your Aura barely a week ago and you can already generate a Glyph," Winter deadpanned. "I can't decide if I want to be jealous or proud." 

“The sheer volume of data the two of you archived into the Network helps,” Whitley admitted dryly. “I might as well be cheating considering I’m basically just stealing the results of your hard work.”

"Irritated it is," Weiss snarked. "Right, I'm off. You're all welcome to hug me. Not that I like any of you or anything." 

“Aww, you really do love us,” Winter grinned, immediately drawing Weiss into a crushingly tight hug. “How sweet! Little sister finally admitting she has feelings!”

_ “Look who’s talking,” _ Weiss hissed, face burning. “Miss ‘what is a smile and do I find it in Ironwood’s ass’!”

“Shush, little sister,” Winter only grinned wider, patting Weiss’ hair. “Just enjoy the moment.”

<>

“In the interest of not dragging this out any further than we have to, I think we’re all set and ready to go,” Salem mentioned idly, as she finally,  _ finally _ managed to take a shower, get dressed, and leave the bedroom.

The bedroom eyes Ramiel, Velvet, and Coco were all directing at her behind her back were making it hard not to go lock herself in with them for the next week, admittedly, but the prospect of annihilating the bastards that had ruined her life for the last few millennia was far more important at the moment.

Kill the gods first,  _ then _ celebrate with a full year of wild immortal monkey sex.

“Just about,” Ozpin replied easily, standing before Salem awkwardly and sighing. “For what it’s worth, I do apologize for the last… several millennia. Not that I feel bad about trying to stop you from destroying all of mankind, but I feel like I should at least apologize for everything else.”

“... If we’re doing this now, then I suppose I should also apologize for being a raging turbo-bitch,” Salem grumbled, crossing her arms and looking to the side. “And for burning your house down…. six...ty… times…”

“... I always did wonder why my homes tended to have the hearths explode in the middle of the night,” Ozpin rolled his eyes dryly. “Then I suppose I should also apologize for… well. The kids.”

Salem just nodded stiffly, breathing out through her nose as she turned away. “... I wish it never happened. But there’s no use dwelling on the past now. Bring the relics together- it’s time to go.”

“Of course,” Ozpin nodded, then motioned for their respective entourages to step forward. “I’d prepare a speech, but there’s not much to say when bringing about a potential apocalypse. So. Let’s hope we all live to see tomorrow.”


	37. The Thirty-Seventh, In Which The Relics Are United

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Four Maidens. Four Relics. Four foreign Gods.
> 
> Two sorry excuses for local Gods.
> 
> It's gonna be a bloodbath.
> 
> Oh _yes._

“So...” Ruby tried. “Anyone need to go to the bathroom? Something like that? No?”

“Oh let’s just get  _ on _ with it,” Raven groaned, stalking forwards and putting the Relic of Knowledge onto a flat bit of ground. “Before any of us lose our nerves or something.”

“Afraid?” Cinder snarked, stabbing the Relic of Destruction into the ground next to it. “Don’t worry, I’m sure it’ll be all over soon.”

“That’s not a very nice thing to say, Cinder,” Pyrrha chided, delicately hanging the Relic of Choice onto the Relic of Knowledge. “But I fear it may be accurate nonetheless.”

“Right,” Weiss murmured. “Let’s summon up the affront to all character design, then.” She placed the Relic of Creation next to the Relic of Destruction and backed up rapidly. “Here goes.”

The world vanished in a flare of light.

Someone screamed.

The earth trembled with a pair of impacts so powerful that Weiss could feel them reverberating in her chest.

The light cleared moments later, and there they were.

The twin gods, creator and destroyer. Alpha and Omega. God of Light and God of Darkness.

They were… much more impressive up close, despite still being piss ugly.

Ozpin strode forth, and sketched out a short bow. He seemed almost deferential as he spoke, motioning to the Relics before him.

“My lords, I’ve brought the Relics together. The time is right, and I have come before you to ask that you judge humanity fairly.”

As he continued droning on with endless platitudes, he folded his hands behind his back… and made a small hand signal.

The ground trembled.

The Gods looked around curiously as Ozpin’s speech cut off.

And from the cloudy sky above-

Ramiel. Like a bolt of thunder, iridescent blue and crackling with crimson power, she descended. The air  _ screamed _ as she came down, firing her beams in a hailstorm of death, each one more than capable of cracking the continent in two with sheer power.

She fired and fired and fired, descending like a meteor upon the twin gods until her crystal form slammed into the rocky ground with a crash not unlike a ringing bell.

A great cloud of dust formed around where the two gods had stood, shimmering with such heat and energy that it sparked with lightning and turned the ground beneath to molten glass.

The Gods were unharmed.

“What treachery is this-” the God of Darkness began, preparing to swipe through the assembled array of beings before him, face twisted into a facsimile of rage as he brought his hand back-

Only for a black clad boot the size of a large building to smash into him from behind and send him flying over the horizon, followed shortly after by the jet black form that was Gendo Ikari, the pale white goddess-like form of Rei Ayanami, and the iridescent purple form of Shinji Ikari.

“Three gods on one is hardly sporting, they’ll rip him to shreds,” Louise deadpanned, rolling her eyes as the God of Light looked around in shock, completely unable to comprehend the situation before him- Still, though, he was a god, and even as he processed the new information, he deflected yet another of Ramiel’s beams before vanishing in a flare of light once more, replaced by a massive golden dragon.

“Insignificant humans! You dare spit upon the gift of life once again!?” the God roared, racing into the sky and raining down beams of light, harsh and deadly as the sun, burning the ground with almost as much concentrated heat as Ramiel’s own blasts.

“Not humans,” Louise growled, shifting into her own Giant Naked Asuka form and conjuring a pair of massive white swords. “Not spitting. And  _ not  _ a gift for yours to give or deny!”

She threw her weapons at the God, one after another, before conjuring a new pair. “We’ve all seen what your  _ petty squabbles _ did to the ‘gift of life’ and we’re not going to take it lying down!”

Louise sneered. “We are the fuck-mothering Angels. Read the words and  _ weep. _ ”

As the goddess engaged the God of Light in a titanic battle of words and fury, down below, Salem was worrying herself. Should she step in now? Should she wait? Should she make a dramatic entrance or....

“Hey.”

Startled, she looked over. Standing next to her, in a spot where there hadn’t been so much as a blip, stood what she almost immediately recognized as an Ayanami. 

The woman had bright cyan hair styled into twin-tails, and numerous tattoos covering her body. A faint smile was playing on her lips. “I heard there was a new ADAM in the Family. Congratulations on attaining the position.”

“...Thank you,” Salem replied, guarded. “...Erm... We’re kind of in the middle of something here...”

“I know,” the Ayanami replied. “Honestly, we can get to know each other after this curbstomp is over, and the Ikari family seems to be having fun, but I believe that you should get to be the one to slay your ancient enemy yourself.”

“Well, yes,” Salem allowed. “That was the idea... the others are just softening them up a little, I suppose?”

The Ayanami smiled. “Don’t  _ suppose, _ Salem.  _ Act. _ ” She handed the woman a pair of... of...

“What are those?”

“You’ll figure it out,” the Ayanami smiled. “Aim for the heart.”

And with that, she vanished. 

As if she was never there to begin with.

Frowning, Salem looked down at the... hm. Why did those things give her such a powerful sense of unease?

<>

“Miku,” Tabitha spoke evenly, taking in the form of the woman she once hated with all her heart. “Come to end the story early, have you?”

“Oh hush, I just made it easier- and besides, it’s not like the two buffoons are strong enough to stretch out the fight longer than an hour or so,” Miku, once known as Sheffeild, huffed as she flipped her twintails over her shoulders. “I mean really, if Salem did go all out, she’d probably accidentally cause an apocalypse.”

“... Might be a bit late for that-” Tabitha paused and stared out over the horizon as the current fighters backed away, both gods slamming into each other in a massive, mountain destroying explosion… right as Salem appeared in a flash of darkness and  _ grew _ . “.... oh shit.”

“You know, I do find it interesting that we didn’t really have a goddess of  _ death _ in our Family until now,” Miku murmured, then looked side to side, coughed awkwardly, and flashed out of the way of what was almost certain to be a near apocalyptic event.

**_“You utter BASTARDS!”_ ** rang a shout across the battlefield.  **_“You deserve death many times over - and I, Salem, will make CERTAIN that you suffer from it!”_ **

With a great and mighty roar, Salem’s wings stretched out across the sky, her mountainous form growing up and up and  _ up _ , until her form blotted out the sun and her presence slammed down upon the Grimmlands like an immeasurably heavy weight.

The Gods, dazed as they were from their beatings, barely managed to pull themselves back together- bruised and battered, their softly glowing bodies tattering around the edges from the sheer  _ viciousness _ of their opponents.

Twin lances flashed through the air at the speed of thought- crimson, twin pronged, and  _ deadly _ to the point that they deadened the very air they cut through, sucking life from the very fabric of the universe and drinking deep as their forms shifted and began to destabilize.

Death in a contained package of crimson metal. A black void found only in the most dead reaches of the furthest, blackest abyss of the universe.

An empty gash in the world struck home. Once, twice.

Javelins, embedding into the hearts of the gods, corruption spreading through their bodies as Salem’s hands reached down and  **_pulled_ ** **.**

The Gods shattered.

Their curse upon the world, destroyed.

Above the world of Remnant, for the first time in eons…

A full moon shone, bright and whole and untouched, framed by wings of purest white.


	38. The Last.

“... Well, I’d be more pissed about not getting to actually kill a pair of Gods, but I think that was satisfying enough all the same,” Ramiel sighed, taking in the blasted, abyssal crater that became the resting place of the former gods of Remnant. “I finally got to actually blast something in the face at full power  _ without _ it instantly vaporizing!”

“Did anyone manage to die?” Louise asked mildly. 

“Surprisingly, no,” Tabitha shook her head as she took a headcount of the assembled Family members. “It seems as though everyone made it through surprisingly unscathed. I suppose it only helps that the two Gods we just killed were both fairly weak in terms of their quantum presence and weren’t used to fighting anything.”

“Which kind of makes it the opposite of the time when I blew up Halkeginia,” Gendo mentioned idly as he took in the surprisingly small amount of destruction in the surrounding landscape. “That was quite the spectacle.”

“... Yeah, because you caused an extinction event,  _ dad _ ,” Shinji grumbled. “And not the kind that people usually come back from, like a fully realized Impact scenario, you were the direct reason for a thermonuclear fireball the size of a small continent.”

“...Your mom liked it,” Gendo grumbled petulantly.

“Yui has an apocalypse fetish and empathically does  _ not count, _ ” Louise hissed. “But I admit I’m quite pleased with the outcome of this one. Nobody important died and I got to punch a god! I think this is my best honeymoon yet.”

“I got lasered really hard in the boobs,” Weiss grumbled in the background, rubbing burn cream onto her bare chest and wincing. “Because  _ someone _ couldn’t aim properly,  _ Coco _ .”

“Hey, I’m used to my minigun recoil, not having laser eyes! You’re lucky I only skimmed off your washboard instead of hitting you full blast,” Coco huffed in return, taping up the large patch of abraded skin from where the God of Darkness had decided to use his scales like an orbital sander directly on Coco’s everywhere. “Shit, ow, dammit.”

“Hey! Weiss isn’t a washboard! She’s perky and petite!” Ruby interjected, coming to Weiss’ defense as she rather foolishly groped Weiss’ chest from behind, startling said ice queen.

“Get off!” Weiss shrieked, all but throwing Ruby off of her and letting out a tortured wheeze. “They’re still sunburnt you dolt! That hurt!”

“... You all do realize you can just… regenerate now, right?” Cinder muttered, facepalming and wondering just when dealing with this bunch of teenaged idiots had become her life.

Oh right.

When she decided that taking Pyrrha Nikos’ angel dick up the butt was a good idea.

Which, it  _ was _ , but still.

Speaking of Pyrrha-

“You know, somehow I actually expected more of a challenge,” Pyrrha murmured as she stepped up next to Cinder, stretching idly as she quickly reassembled her slightly torn up armor with her AT Field. “I mean, the Gods were supposedly omnipotent and they kind of… weren’t.”

“That’s because we had just about twenty AT Fields of immense power actively warping the universe to cut off the source of their power,” Rei explained idly, her voice carrying over the impromptu campgrounds their entire assembled group had settled into despite speaking at her usual quiet volume. “They could barely fight at the level of a regular non-sentient Angel, let alone the combined strength of all of us.”

“Speaking of, I wonder what I should do with them…” Salem murmured, holding up a small glass jar with a pair of very angry, very tiny, and very impotent caterpillars, each one bearing the coloration of one of the former gods. “Their power is mine now, after all, but it does leave a bit of a bad taste in my mouth, killing something so… pathetic.”

“Funny, you didn’t have a bad taste in your mouth when squashing ‘those pathetic mortals’,” Ozpin sniped. “But yeah, I vote giving them to miss Valkyrie as pets.”

“Squashing a bug is different from killing something I was actively cursed to loathe, Oz,” Salem deadpanned, rolling her eyes at her ex-husband. “Still a sanctimonious asshole as ever, I see. Why I fell in love with you, I’ll never know.”

“Because I was the first human contact you’d had in years and the only one who was even remotely decent to you. That, and the fact that when I was Ozma I had  _ quite _ an impressive penis,” Ozpin shot back, equally sardonic as Salem. “The fact that I was also lonely, desperate, and unaware of your multitude of serious mental health issues helped.”

“And you were such an asshole about those issues too,” Salem sighed, crossing her arms. “Salem, I need to go adventuring for money, Salem of course I’m not going to lock you up, you just need to stay inside where it’s safe, Salem don’t cling to me so much in public- honestly, you were such a whiny bitch the only reason I didn’t leave your pathetic ass is because I was young, stupid, and obsessed.”

“We were both young and stupid, you belligerent hag, why do you think we spent the last several thousand years hating each other?” Ozpin grumbled, pulling a flask from his coat and chugging down the contents. “Except where I died young and stupid and then spent the next thousand years trying to save people, you went insane in the worst way possible.”

“Yes, and then I didn’t get laid for the next six thousand years or so,” Salem muttered. “You don’t realize just how much you need it until you go through a six millennia dry spell, apparently. I’m surprised my vagina wasn’t full of dust.”

“And this is why I kept taking breaks for a few decades or so once every other century,” Ozpin nodded sagely, then paused. “.... I suppose it’s a good thing that I only started doing that  _ after _ condoms were invented.”

Out of nowhere, the two immortals found strong hands clamped on their shoulders. “Here’s an idea,” Shinji Ikari hissed, sounding thoroughly fed up, “I understand that you two have six thousand years of marital issues to work through, but  _ please _ for the love of  _ me _ take it  _ outside. _ We don’t have to spend the post-victory haze listening to your dirty laundry, you know.”

“... Fair enough,” Ozpin nodded, then idly removed Shinji’s hand from his shoulder, turned around, and walked away into the depths of the Grimmlands.

“... Where the fuck is he going?” Ramiel murmured idly, sidling up to Salem and watching Ozpin’s back recede into the distance before vanishing in a flare of green light. “... Wait, since when could he teleport?”

“Since about three thousand years ago, apparently,” Salem grumbled, then turned to face the rest of her now massively extended family with an appraising look.

She frowned a bit, mulling things over in her mind before reaching a conclusion.

“So, who wants to go get food? I’m starving.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, but it's over and done with now.
> 
> Go home.
> 
> Shoo.


End file.
